Do not open this thread if you don't like stupid dating questions. . . [Archive]

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The Stranger

08-03-2005, 01:25 AM

Relevent links:

Chilling vs. Dating (http://forumserver.twoplustwo.com/showflat.php?Cat=&Board=exchange&Number=2845918&Fo rum=,,&Words=&Searchpage=1&Limit=25&Main=2845918&S earch=true&where=bodysub&Name=25692&daterange=1&ne werval=4&newertype=w&olderval=&oldertype=&bodyprev =#Post2845918)
"Now that we're just friends. . . (http://forumserver.twoplustwo.com/showflat.php?Cat=&Board=exchange&Number=3002951&Fo rum=&Words=&Searchpage=0&Limit=25&Main=3002951&Sea rch=true&where=bodysub&Name=25692&daterange=1&newe rval=4&newertype=w&olderval=&oldertype=&bodyprev=# Post3002951)
Another Ex-gf question (http://forumserver.twoplustwo.com/showflat.php?Cat=&Board=exchange&Number=3026168&Fo rum=&Words=&Searchpage=0&Limit=25&Main=3026168&Sea rch=true&where=bodysub&Name=25692&daterange=1&newe rval=4&newertype=w&olderval=&oldertype=&bodyprev=# Post3026168)

This is in regards to the girl who I was hanging out with, made out with a few times, then told me, "Now that we're just friends, I feel like I can tell you this. I love you." If you didn't read the previous threads, the only other major pertinent detail is that we met in Alcoholics Anonymous.

Okay, there was a local AA convention over the weekend, but she couldn't hang out much because her father and her brothers and sisters were visiting from out of town. I was having horrible back pain. We hung out at a few meetings at the convention, we had lunch, and then she had to leave to pick them up at the airport. She was going to come back with her younger sister to the dance that was supposed to start at 9PM on Saturday. She said she was going to call me just before 9 to find out if I was physically up to it. 9:30 rolled around, the dance hadn't started and she didn't call me. I sent her a text message saying, "I'm going home," still expecting her to call me. I live about twenty minutes away from the convention. She didn't call.

I called her Sunday morning, asking, "So, how was the dance." "Oh it was cool blah blah blah" and about two minutes later, "I gotta let you go now, we're all over at Starbucks right now. We're heading up the coast tonight to visit my grandparents. I'll be back Monday late-night, so I'll see you at the meeting on Tuesday."

Well, the rest of the day I was laid up in my room, trying to stretch my back. I texted her Sunday afternoon saying, "I'm really sore. I haven't left my room except to go to the bathroom. I'd really appreciate if you gave me a call, if you get a minute."

Sunday, nothing. Monday, nothing.

Today I came to the conclusion, "Okay, she's blowing me off. It was just a flash in the pan. I give up."

So I went to the Tuesday meeting tonight, waved at her from across the street, and left at the coffee break.

She calls later, saying her and her sister are at Starbuck's and I should come, because her sister really wants to meet me. I said no, because I have to get up early. She says her sister is in town until Sunday, and we should all hang out on Thursday night.

Talk about mixed messages. First it seems like she doesn't want to talk to me, and then not only does she want to hang out with me, but she is telling her family about me and wants me to meet them.

Am I reading into this too deeply, or should I just go with it?

MrWookie47

08-03-2005, 01:50 AM

I'd say she's still blowing you off, but she's trying polite. Getting an invitation to go out with her sister, to me, doesn't sound nearly as enticing as meeting up 1 on 1. She blew you off for what might look more like a date, but will take you out for coffee w/ her sister. It looks to me like she doesn't know how to say the words, "Let's just be friends."

The Stranger

08-03-2005, 01:55 AM

so the fact that her sister lives 3,000 miles away makes no difference?

IndieMatty

08-03-2005, 01:55 AM

Much respect for the Stranger. But it seems she just wants the close guy friend. You guy's aren't really dating. Even the occasional make out or whatever. There's girls who are just like this.

Best if you move on.

08-03-2005, 01:57 AM

WOW. You are asking the OOT a second time about the same girl AND you are in AA. You make me feel good about my life. You really just need to go hang out in a bar, get drunk and take home some bar fly (just like the good ol' days!). Not nearly as much drama!

08-03-2005, 02:01 AM

Stranger meets girl in AA. They go out, kinda. They stop dating.
Stranger: "We're just friends. Cool."
Girl: "Now I can tell you I love you"
Stranger: "wtf"

Girl's family comes into town. She's pretty much ignores Stranger. Stranger is sad and disappointed. Now, girl is trying to get Stranger to meet her sister.

What should he do?

tl;dr

siccjay

08-03-2005, 02:10 AM

If you can be friends with this girl without it eating you up inside the have at it.

Otherwise it's best to just end all contact between the two of you. Yes, it's harsh, but it will be for the best. It's not healthy to hang out with this chick if you feel different about her.

wacki

08-03-2005, 02:11 AM

The Stranger

08-03-2005, 02:15 AM

[ QUOTE ]
WOW. You are asking the OOT a second time about the same girl AND you are in AA. You make me feel good about my life. You really just need to go hang out in a bar, get drunk and take home some bar fly (just like the good ol' days!). Not nearly as much drama!

[/ QUOTE ]

yeah I can wake up on the street, go look for my car keys, not make it to work, spend the night in jail for mouthing off to a cop, go apologize to my buddy for spilling a gallon of mustard on his carpet, and call my ex-gf who cheated on me blatantly for two years solid, bringing out the kind of rage I didn't know I had, but being too lonely and pathetic to give serious consideration to leaving her, well and because her family was filthy rich and I hated working. Make a vow to never drink again, wake up and do the whole thing over again until I die or am locked up in a psych ward. Good plan.

Non_Comformist

08-03-2005, 02:20 AM

I thought you two decided to pretend you didn't have feelings and instead to just be friends?

If so well guess what this is what being friends with a girl you have feelings for is like. Congrats and enjoy.

You see why I said not following your true feelings at the time was dumb now?

let me know if your truly interested it going somewhere with this.

The Stranger

08-03-2005, 02:30 AM

[ QUOTE ]
I thought you two decided to pretend you didn't have feelings and instead to just be friends?

[/ QUOTE ]

Well, that was the conclusion of the first thread, before we "did anything." I never really came to a conclusion on the second or third ones.

[ QUOTE ]
If so well guess what this is what being friends with a girl you have feelings for is like. Congrats and enjoy.

[/ QUOTE ]

/images/graemlins/frown.gif

[ QUOTE ]
You see why I said not following your true feelings at the time was dumb now?

let me know if your truly interested it going somewhere with this.

[/ QUOTE ]

Well, a relationship is a two-way thing. It's not just about what I want. I guess where I am, and what some of you have been helping me with, is how do you treat a woman that you actually care about, not just a woman you want to SIIHP.

I heard a definition of love recently that I've been reflecting on: A willing of the well-being of the other person, and taking actions consistent with that.

It's quite a challenge.

Non_Comformist

08-03-2005, 02:40 AM

well stranger you're past the point of playing it cool and just letting it happen.

You have two options

1) you call her up and ask her out on date. on this date you make it perfectly clear through your actions that you ar not wanting to be her friend but you wanting to be the guy that bones her

2) the less smooth route involves you simply calling her and saying hey I feel like im getting some mixed signals here and I want to know whats up. simple as that.

you need to stop letting the girl control the relationship period.

waffle

08-03-2005, 02:41 AM

[ QUOTE ]
Stranger meets girl in AA. They go out, kinda. They stop dating.
Stranger: "We're just friends. Cool."
Girl: "Now I can tell you I love you"
Stranger: "wtf"

Girl's family comes into town. She's pretty much ignores Stranger. Stranger is sad and disappointed. Now, girl is trying to get Stranger to meet her sister.

What should he do?

tl;dr

[/ QUOTE ]

thanks, tl;dr. going off the cliff notes:

girl is crazy. stop talking to her. the end.

asofel

08-03-2005, 02:42 AM

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
I thought you two decided to pretend you didn't have feelings and instead to just be friends?

[/ QUOTE ]

Well, that was the conclusion of the first thread, before we "did anything." I never really came to a conclusion on the second or third ones.

[ QUOTE ]
If so well guess what this is what being friends with a girl you have feelings for is like. Congrats and enjoy.

[/ QUOTE ]

/images/graemlins/frown.gif

[ QUOTE ]
You see why I said not following your true feelings at the time was dumb now?

let me know if your truly interested it going somewhere with this.

[/ QUOTE ]

Well, a relationship is a two-way thing. It's not just about what I want. I guess where I am, and what some of you have been helping me with, is how do you treat a woman that you actually care about, not just a woman you want to SIIHP.

I heard a definition of love recently that I've been reflecting on: A willing of the well-being of the other person, and taking actions consistent with that.

It's quite a challenge.

[/ QUOTE ]

Hey man, I've been keeping up with this thread for a while, so my thoughts, for what they're worth.

First, you're not getting what you want, what you expect, or what you feel like you deserve, take your pick. You're obviously not understnading her recent behavior (not saying you should) and it doesn't feel good. It really does sound like you should take a step back from the situation, from her, and try to evaluate things....both yourself, and this girl. Mixed messages and a discrepancy in what you want are the worst things to have with someone. Don't fall into that. Have you mentioned any of these feelings to her? Have you talked about this somewhat confusing experience? Its better to figure things out than to wonder....

Willluck

08-03-2005, 02:56 AM

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
WOW. You are asking the OOT a second time about the same girl AND you are in AA. You make me feel good about my life. You really just need to go hang out in a bar, get drunk and take home some bar fly (just like the good ol' days!). Not nearly as much drama!

[/ QUOTE ]

yeah I can wake up on the street, go look for my car keys, not make it to work, spend the night in jail for mouthing off to a cop, go apologize to my buddy for spilling a gallon of mustard on his carpet, and call my ex-gf who cheated on me blatantly for two years solid, bringing out the kind of rage I didn't know I had, but being too lonely and pathetic to give serious consideration to leaving her, well and because her family was filthy rich and I hated working. Make a vow to never drink again, wake up and do the whole thing over again until I die or am locked up in a psych ward. Good plan.

[/ QUOTE ]Damn, I wish I had that kind of self control. NH, sir.

scotty34

08-03-2005, 03:03 AM

Willluck

08-03-2005, 03:10 AM

I donno man, I think you are stressing it too much. I mean you kind of told her that things were going too fast and maybe she is trying to slow things down by taking some time off. I really think you should just let it all unfold, before you worry about her blowing you off. Plus, she is having you meet her sister, which means that you are important enough to her for her to talk about you. So...wait 'till thursday and see how it goes, also post results, I find this somewhat interesting.

TimM

08-03-2005, 03:20 AM

[ QUOTE ]
Well, the rest of the day I was laid up in my room, trying to stretch my back. I texted her Sunday afternoon saying, "I'm really sore. I haven't left my room except to go to the bathroom. I'd really appreciate if you gave me a call, if you get a minute."

Sunday, nothing. Monday, nothing.

[/ QUOTE ]

I don't like the tone of this text message at all. The last sentence sounds like something my wimpy former boss would say when he wanted me to do something. Would you send a text to a male friend like this? That said, maybe she didn't even receive it.

Anyway, why wouldn't you just go meet up Thursday and see what happens?

rusellmj

08-03-2005, 03:27 AM

[ QUOTE ]
I texted her Sunday afternoon saying, "I'm really sore. I haven't left my room except to go to the bathroom. I'd really appreciate if you gave me a call, if you get a minute."

[/ QUOTE ]

Yeah, this play always got me laid.

sublime

08-03-2005, 03:30 AM

dude, i have done quite a few AA chicks. they are there for a reason, they are nutbags.

NoOuts

08-03-2005, 08:46 AM

Stranger, ever think that it's not about you?

She's probably seeing her family for the first time since she started AA. She probably also has a lot of issues with her family (what alcoholic doesn't).

What I'm trying to get across is that you are not her first priority this week. With your confused relationship, she may not want to deal with you until the family is gone.

Give her a break. She is sorting a lot of stuff out, that is more important than you. (and should be!) This is why it's tough with a newbie. Remember her emotional age is only up to the age when she started drinking.

But remember, this too shall pass.

47outs

08-03-2005, 08:57 AM

Tell her straight up that you like her.

Look her right in the eye and say "I like you". It will either lead to a kiss or it will be awkward. Regardless you should have an idea then.

outs

Bluffoon

08-03-2005, 09:21 AM

This girl is jerking you around. Plenty of women like this. I would move on. Find a woman that has fewer issues and is emotionally available.

One great thing about relationships, even failed relationships, is that they give us an opportunity to look at ourselves and our behaviour.

I am reading your posts and I am wondering why you are agonizing so much over this girl you hardly know.

When I am single I meet lots of women that I am attracted to. Some for a variety of reasons never become more than passing acquaintances, a few I will date for a little while and something will not be right for one of us or the timing will be off and it doesn't work out and others stick for a little while. I don't worry too much about the ones that don't work out. I just move on and keep my eyes open for the next available cutie.

phlup

08-03-2005, 09:39 AM

I don't know much about AA and groups like that excpt what I've read in books, but I got the impression that it was a huge no-no to become involved with someone from your group.

Is that the case or is that only for the just out of rehab groups, not the weekly AA meeting groups?

The Stranger

08-03-2005, 09:45 AM

[ QUOTE ]
I don't know much about AA and groups like that excpt what I've read in books, but I got the impression that it was a huge no-no to become involved with someone from your group.

Is that the case or is that only for the just out of rehab groups, not the weekly AA meeting groups?

[/ QUOTE ]

yeah. That's more of a rehab thing. I know plenty of people who met their spouse in a meeting, and have been happily married for a long time. I also know many whose marraiges ended horrifically. Like I was saying in the original post of the original thread, I work full-time and go to 10-11 meetings a week. It would be very tough to meet anyone anywhere else.

The Stranger

08-03-2005, 09:48 AM

[ QUOTE ]
Stranger, ever think that it's not about you?

She's probably seeing her family for the first time since she started AA. She probably also has a lot of issues with her family (what alcoholic doesn't).

What I'm trying to get across is that you are not her first priority this week. With your confused relationship, she may not want to deal with you until the family is gone.

Give her a break. She is sorting a lot of stuff out, that is more important than you. (and should be!) This is why it's tough with a newbie. Remember her emotional age is only up to the age when she started drinking.

But remember, this too shall pass.

[/ QUOTE ]

I know all this. Thank you. When I don't feel right physically, I get out of whack mentally too. If "love and tolerance is our code," I surely must cut this girl some slack.

The Stranger

08-03-2005, 09:50 AM

[ QUOTE ]
This girl is jerking you around. Plenty of women like this. I would move on. Find a woman that has fewer issues and is emotionally available.

[/ QUOTE ]

1. I like her. She is attractive, and a genuinely nice person (albeit kind of crazy right now).

2. I haven't had any attention from anyone in a very long time.

The Stranger

08-03-2005, 06:38 PM

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
This girl is jerking you around. Plenty of women like this. I would move on. Find a woman that has fewer issues and is emotionally available.

[/ QUOTE ]

1. I like her. She is attractive, and a genuinely nice person (albeit kind of crazy right now).

2. I haven't had any attention from anyone in a very long time.

[/ QUOTE ]

Ooops. I quoted the wrong part of Bluffoon's post, totally changing the meaning of my response. What I meant to quote was this:

[ QUOTE ]
I am reading your posts and I am wondering why you are agonizing so much over this girl you hardly know.

[/ QUOTE ]

Anyhow, things change every day, especially since both of us are mentally quirky as one might say. So I'm just going to do my best to chill over the whole thing. My friend told me this the other day, "We live one day at a time, and trust God." Doh!

hyde

08-03-2005, 07:08 PM

2) the less smooth route involves you simply calling her and saying hey I feel like im getting some mixed signals here and I want to know whats up. simple as that.

you need to stop letting the girl control the relationship period.

[/ QUOTE ]

What a time and angst saving concept. This is the best, and possibly only good, advice you have recieved.

Big risk, big reward. But it is like a sit and go, you get busted, you start another....