Having Balls a lesson needed on how to ask a father (engagment) [Archive]

View Full Version : Having Balls a lesson needed on how to ask a father (engagment)

arod15

08-03-2005, 12:12 AM

For those of you engaged or married, how was the experience of asking the father for his daughters hand? I find myself being cowardly when it comes to this step. Clearly, I have to ask but when, where, what to expect, what if he says no?
All questions I have. Adding to my dillema is the proximity situation. Not only will I take his daughter I will be taking her out of state from MD to NYC area. So not sure how he will feel. I have about 9 months to muster up the balls so whats the game plan? Any suggestions or pointers?
Thanks in Advance......

Non_Comformist

08-03-2005, 12:16 AM

your putting too much emphasis on the asking part. You need to think of it more as giving him a heads up.

Sifmole

08-03-2005, 12:19 AM

You aren't asking permission, you are asking his "blessing" or good wishes.

9 months to ask the question.... um, always look suspicious when his daughter is smuggling a beach ball....

pokerdirty

08-03-2005, 12:26 AM

as long as it's not his (http://forumserver.twoplustwo.com/showflat.php?Cat=&Number=3035153&page=0&view=colla psed&sb=5&o=14&fpart=1&vc=1) daughter, i think you are ok.

Los Feliz Slim

08-03-2005, 12:27 AM

Stab him with a glass.

Patrick del Poker Grande

08-03-2005, 12:29 AM

No need to fear it, unless you know they hate you. I'm a fan of something casual. A simple "Hey, I've been boning your daughter for some time now and I think it's time I make an honest woman of her before I forget to pull out some time. What do you say?" might do the trick.

x2ski

08-03-2005, 12:35 AM

[ QUOTE ]
For those of you engaged or married, how was the experience of asking the father for his daughters hand? I find myself being cowardly when it comes to this step. Clearly, I have to ask but when, where, what to expect, what if he says no?
All questions I have. Adding to my dillema is the proximity situation. Not only will I take his daughter I will be taking her out of state from MD to NYC area. So not sure how he will feel. I have about 9 months to muster up the balls so whats the game plan? Any suggestions or pointers?
Thanks in Advance......

[/ QUOTE ]

If he likes you, it should be okay.

I have never, ever randomly stopped at my in-laws' without my wife with me.

About 2 months before I asked her to marry me, I just "dropped in" when I knew they would both be home. My father-in-law was in the basement watching TV and we just chatted it up for 10-15 minutes before I said, "I want you to know, that I plan to ask your daughter to marry me."

That was it, I just jumped in so there was no turning back and did it, telling him in advance out of respect, but also as a matter-of-fact. I assume if the your lady-friend's parents live in a different state than you, that you haven't just "dropped by", so this is a viable option.

Doing so will also make the parents think something is up, and again, if they like you, they'll figure it out before the words even come out of your mouth.

It's easy.

tdarko

08-03-2005, 12:36 AM

these posts are so weird to me, i have never had a father not want me to be with her i mean what are you doing to make him make you scared to ask. hell my gf's father is damn near asking ME to ask her.

ChipWrecked

08-03-2005, 12:36 AM

I did this over the phone. We had never met each other. Gave him some line about how I knew he had the right to meet me, and how sorry I was, but I loved his daughter so badly I just had to ask her. Something like that.

Out of five sons-in-law, I'm his favorite. /images/graemlins/grin.gif

RacersEdge

08-03-2005, 12:40 AM

Send him a strip-o-gram.

fsuplayer

08-03-2005, 12:42 AM

[ QUOTE ]
You aren't asking permission, you are asking his "blessing" or good wishes.

[/ QUOTE ]

this is important and true.

Riskwise

08-03-2005, 12:43 AM

dont ask

astroglide

08-03-2005, 12:47 AM

[ QUOTE ]
Stab him with a glass.

[/ QUOTE ]

that made me chuckle

slickpoppa

08-03-2005, 12:51 AM

YOu might find some relevant info in this thread

link (http://forumserver.twoplustwo.com/showflat.php?Cat=&Board=exchange&Number=2733764&Fo rum=&Words=engaged&Searchpage=0&Limit=25&Main=2733 764&Search=true&where=bodysub&Name=15855&daterange =1&newerval=2&newertype=m&olderval=&oldertype=&bod yprev=#Post2733764)

I basically argued that it was an antiquated tradition, but some people said stuff that might help you

08-03-2005, 01:07 AM

[ QUOTE ]
"Hey, I've been boning your daughter for some time now and I think it's time I make an honest woman of her before I forget to pull out some time. What do you say?"

[/ QUOTE ]
That's [censored] hilarious; you owe me a new keyboard....

ThisHo

08-03-2005, 05:58 AM

it really shudn't be a big deal. Yes, you'll be nervous, but a) they should have some clue that its coming because she's talked to them about "he's the one" a little bit
b) you should have some clue about how they are going to react if you've spent any time with them

As for moving her out of state --- if you're not causing her to drop out of school (thinking college, hoping its not high school) then they shouldn't be upset. Kids move, its what we do. If you can't deal with a conversation with them about marriage/moving then you may not be ready to get hitched.

ThisHo

Nigel

08-03-2005, 06:00 AM

Asking is retarded and insulting to your girlfriend. It's not like he owns her and it's not like his answer makes a difference. What if he says no, you going to leave her?

KaneKungFu123

08-03-2005, 06:01 AM

just buy him some cattle and itll all be good.

Bill Murphy

08-03-2005, 06:02 AM

Huh? Ain't read any replies in this thread, but fvck her father. Her opinion is the only one that matters. The real balls is marrying her when her dad disapproves IMO.

ChipWrecked

08-03-2005, 07:23 AM

And have you done this?

RunDownHouse

08-03-2005, 09:40 AM

[ QUOTE ]
Huh? Ain't read any replies in this thread...

[/ QUOTE ]
And it shows!

Maulik

08-03-2005, 09:43 AM

dude, if I'm broke when you have your Bachelor's party, you better fork the bill for me to come to Vegas for ...

congrats, I didn't know you were that serious with April

HopeydaFish

08-03-2005, 09:57 AM

I guess it's "nice" that you feel the need to ask, but as other posters have said, she's not her father's property. If you're worried that there's a chance that he's such a controlling jerk as to say "no", then don't bother.

That being said, if her family is "old fashioned" and it is expected that you ask, *and* asking is just a formality because he'll definitely say yes, *and* you want to be on good terms with her family, just suck up your pride and do it. A few minutes of being uncomfortable is worth a potential lifetime of being on good terms with your in-laws.

I never asked my fiance's father for permission. It never crossed my mind to do so. However, I found out afterwards that both of her sisters' husbands had called and asked permission first...so the fact that I didn't probably stuck out like a sore thumb in the family's minds.

unlucky513

08-03-2005, 10:00 AM

[ QUOTE ]
as long as it's not his (http://forumserver.twoplustwo.com/showflat.php?Cat=&Number=3035153&page=0&view=colla psed&sb=5&o=14&fpart=1&vc=1) daughter, i think you are ok.

[/ QUOTE ]

wow, just read that thread. if his daughter is 14 and making videos of herself, she's going to sleep with 25+ guys by the time she's out of college.

08-03-2005, 10:00 AM

Maulik

08-03-2005, 10:03 AM

btw - you should mention the cultural gap, because that is really waht makes things trickier in your situation.

ThisHo

08-03-2005, 11:39 AM

[ QUOTE ]
Asking is retarded and insulting to your girlfriend. It's not like he owns her and it's not like his answer makes a difference. What if he says no, you going to leave her?

[/ QUOTE ]

You're 19 right? 22 maybe?

As others have said its not really the "permission" thats important. Like it or not, you're marrying her family to some extent and life is a LOT easier if you get along with the "in-laws". Showing respect for her family and asking for "permission" or "blessings" or however you phrase it and having the talk is a good start. If he says "NO" then OP should ask why, discuss the issues with her dad like a mature adult (assuming that Dad can do this, some can't so it may not apply). If Dad has somewhat reasonable objections (IMHO, he should just say "thanks for asking, we are thrilled for you guys" no matter what, but that's a different post), too young, not enough income, not enough education, slacker poker player, etc then you should be able to discuss these with him. "I understand we are doing this a little younger than most people but we really are in love." "I know that I don't make a lot of $$$ now, and things will be tight, but your daughter and I have discussed this and we can make it work for a while until I win the WSOP," etc. If there are things that you know he's worried about you should be up front. I asked my Father in-law for permission when I was 19 and had just finished my 2nd year in college. It went like this "I know that we're a little young and we're not out of college, but I love your daughter, I want to spend the rest of my life with her. We want to be engaged, we want to start planning things. We're going to wait until we graduate to get married so it will be a long engagement, but we want to enjoy this time." He kinda said "yeah, her mom and I are worried about school and you are pretty young but if you guys have thought about that and discussed it then we are OK. Yes you can marry her."

If he's a jackass that says "I don't like you" and is insistent on the "NO" then you need to discuss it with your woman and determine how to proceed. Perhaps you are actually a jerkoff and Dad has a right not to trust you and perhaps he knows you're no good for his daughter? Perhaps there are behavious that you need to change? If he says NO it doesn't mean that you're not going to marry her, it just means that its going to be tougher to do so, and the relationship with her parents is going to be tough your ENTIRE LIFE.

There are totally unreasonable dads out there, but as I said in my first post, you should have some idea about how this is going to go. If you're just nervous, suck it up and be a man and talk to the Dad. If Dad's a jackass, then you're going to need a plan for "what to do when it goes bad" but we can't help much with that since we have no info.

Whatever happened to showing respect for family/elders. I'm never letting my daughter date!

ThisHo

WDC

08-03-2005, 11:46 AM

I never asked. We were getting married regardless. If you still plan on getting married regardless of his permission, I wouldn't bother asking. You can either tell him after you propose and let him share in the celebration or talk to him before you propose and tell him you are going to marry his daughter.

arod15

08-03-2005, 09:04 PM

[ QUOTE ]
No need to fear it, unless you know they hate you. I'm a fan of something casual. A simple "Hey, I've been boning your daughter for some time now and I think it's time I make an honest woman of her before I forget to pull out some time. What do you say?" might do the trick.

[/ QUOTE ]

exactly my thoughts...

arod15

08-03-2005, 09:06 PM

[ QUOTE ]
btw - you should mention the cultural gap, because that is really waht makes things trickier in your situation.

[/ QUOTE ]
She is asian not sure what difference that makes

arod15

08-03-2005, 09:08 PM

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
For those of you engaged or married, how was the experience of asking the father for his daughters hand? I find myself being cowardly when it comes to this step. Clearly, I have to ask but when, where, what to expect, what if he says no?
All questions I have. Adding to my dillema is the proximity situation. Not only will I take his daughter I will be taking her out of state from MD to NYC area. So not sure how he will feel. I have about 9 months to muster up the balls so whats the game plan? Any suggestions or pointers?
Thanks in Advance......

[/ QUOTE ]

If he likes you, it should be okay.

I have never, ever randomly stopped at my in-laws' without my wife with me.

About 2 months before I asked her to marry me, I just "dropped in" when I knew they would both be home. My father-in-law was in the basement watching TV and we just chatted it up for 10-15 minutes before I said, "I want you to know, that I plan to ask your daughter to marry me."

That was it, I just jumped in so there was no turning back and did it, telling him in advance out of respect, but also as a matter-of-fact. I assume if the your lady-friend's parents live in a different state than you, that you haven't just "dropped by", so this is a viable option.

Doing so will also make the parents think something is up, and again, if they like you, they'll figure it out before the words even come out of your mouth.

It's easy.

[/ QUOTE ]

That would be ideal but he rarly talkes to me which is fine because he is a quiet guy he barly talks ot anyone. I know he respects me but thats prob bnecause i have a good job

arod15

08-03-2005, 09:10 PM