"Now that we're just friends. . .

[The Stranger]

I feel like I can tell you this. I love you."

Has to be one of the strangest statements I've ever heard in my life.

The person who said it was the girl from this thread. (http://forumserver.twoplustwo.com/showflat.php?Cat=&Board=exchange&Number=2845918&Fo rum=f20&Words=dating&Searchpage=0&Limit=25&Main=28 45918&Search=true&where=bodysub&Name=25692&dateran ge=1&newerval=6&newertype=w&olderval=&oldertype=&b odyprev=#Post2845918)

The day after my last post on that thread, we laid on my bed and kissed and hugged and stuff for about an hour. Basically, that's as far as things got as far as the, "How far did you go?" thing goes. But we got really close really fast.

After about two weeks of that we let each other know that we were getting too close, too quickly, and that we need to put things on hold for a while. That's when she uttered the statement above.

Don't laugh. This is the first interesting thing to happen to me in regards to women in years. We like each other a lot, but feel like we need to wait a while. BTW, I did recipricate her statement about fifteen minutes later.

Am I a dumbass for giving a crap about this? Should I be putting myself out there for other women in the meantime, or does this sound like some strange kind of commitment?

She is awfully young, so how much stock should I put in her "love?" She did say that this was the first time she said, "I love you," and meant it in a really long time.

[istewart]

I can't read anymore of these [censored] threads. GTFO.

[BonJoviJones]

A rule of thumb I always use: If you don't know if she loves you, she doesn't.

[Riskwise]

[ QUOTE ]
I can't read anymore of these [censored] threads. GTFO.

[/ QUOTE ]

cruel but i agree.
you have to be [censored] retarded to "pour your heart out" on OOT and expect a better reply than SIIHP.

[ QUOTE ]
A rule of thumb I always use: If you don't know if she loves you, she doesn't.

[/ QUOTE ]

"thats just something ugly people say"

[The Stranger]

[ QUOTE ]
I can't read anymore of these [censored] threads. GTFO.

[/ QUOTE ]

I've made eight posts in the past two weeks. I'm hardly cluttering the boards.

I got some good responses last time, so I thought I'd try again. Is there really a problem?

[[censored]]

If you both feel so strongly I think it is lame to do this whole "slow down" thing. Just enjoy it, she might be the "one".

[The Stranger]

[ QUOTE ]
If you both feel so strongly I think it is lame to do this whole "slow down" thing. Just enjoy it, she might be the "one".

[/ QUOTE ]

If she really is the "one," she will still be the "one" in a year, no?

[shant]

Slight kissinng and hugging for two weeks is moving too fast? I don't understand the "slow down" thing either.

[[censored]]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
If you both feel so strongly I think it is lame to do this whole "slow down" thing. Just enjoy it, she might be the "one".

[/ QUOTE ]

If she really is the "one," she will still be the "one" in a year, no?

[/ QUOTE ]

let me put it another way. waiting for waiting's sake is lame.

[[censored]]

[ QUOTE ]
Slight kissinng and hugging for two weeks is moving too fast? I don't understand the "slow down" thing either.

[/ QUOTE ]

Yes. thank you

[The Stranger]

[ QUOTE ]
Slight kissinng and hugging for two weeks is moving too fast? I don't understand the "slow down" thing either.

[/ QUOTE ]

too fast emotionally, not physically.

its hard to describe.

[[censored]]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
Slight kissinng and hugging for two weeks is moving too fast? I don't understand the "slow down" thing either.

[/ QUOTE ]

too fast emotionally, not physically.

its hard to describe.

[/ QUOTE ]

Dude what I am saying is the emotions are there are they are not. If they are there, pretending they are not is pointless. As long as you aren't rushing to get married or move in together, farting around and pretending to be playing it cool is pointless and something kids do.

[asofel]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
Slight kissinng and hugging for two weeks is moving too fast? I don't understand the "slow down" thing either.

[/ QUOTE ]

too fast emotionally, not physically.

its hard to describe.

[/ QUOTE ]

Dude what I am saying is the emotions are there are they are not. If they are there, pretending they are not is pointless. As long as you aren't rushing to get married or move in together, farting around and pretending to be playing it cool is pointless and something kids do.

[/ QUOTE ]

[censored] is giving good advice rather than a good insult, so heed his words well. Emotionally, you're going to feel things, and you can't 'slow them down'. I wouldn't propose to a girl you've known for 10 minutes, but if you're both really feeling each other, then that means something. What's the deal with the age thing? Give us some more background here. me and [censored] will keep the idiots out of this thread /images/graemlins/wink.gif

[The Stranger]

[ QUOTE ]
farting around and pretending to be playing it cool is pointless and something kids do.

[/ QUOTE ]

yes. this has been the situation for the past week. It has been kind of uncomfortable for me. For those too lazy to read the thread I linked, the issue here is that she is a newly sober person. Most people suggest that newly sober people shouldn't be dating.

Take that out of the equation, and I agree that the whole sequence of events is absurd.

We're meeting up at a diner late-night tonight to talk one on one for the first time since the conversation I discussed in the original post (which was last Sunday).

[The Stranger]

[ QUOTE ]
What's the deal with the age thing? Give us some more background here. me and [censored] will keep the idiots out of this thread /images/graemlins/wink.gif

[/ QUOTE ]

I linked it in the OP, but I'll repost it here:

[ QUOTE ]

Okay, so I'm not the most experienced guy with women. I've had one significant relationship. It was for two years, and it wasn't very healthy. I had a few half-assed attempts since then, but basically gave up on the whole idea.

I work a lot of hours, and I am heavily involved in local Alcoholics Anonymous meetings. dating/sex life has been a very low priority for me.

But then this girl came into our meetings. She is a very attractive young lady, who just came back from travelling the country following around music festivals and I guess just generally being a hippy.

She actually gravitated towards me and we have been hanging out quite a bit. I'm 25 with about three years sober, and she's 20, with about a month sober. The reason I mention this is because people newly sober tend to be emotionally unstable, as their minds and bodies are going through a lot of changes. She has said that she wants to wait to get into a relationship until she is healthier.

But in the meantime, so far we have gone out for coffee and or dinner after the meetings several times. She has been over to my house twice to watch movies and sit in the hot tub. She came to my 4th of July BBQ, and we were playing around with the neighbor kids in the grass. We've both met each other's parents. This Sunday I have field level seats for the Dodgers/Giants game for us to go to. I have a reputation I guess for being a "safe/non-preditor" guy as far as AA people go. She seems really comfortable hanging out with me and talking with me. There is a lot of friendly touching going on, but I haven't kissed her or anything yet. This all being in the last three weeks.

My parents and best friend say we're dating. I say we're hanging out. My friends treat us like a couple when we're together. I told her, "I don't think there's a need to label this." Her response was, "I'm really glad you said that."

Has anybody had a romantic relationship that began like this?

Does it sound like I need to make a move before I get put on friend status and lose any opportunity I might have?

Should I do my best to be her friend and let whatever happens happen?

It feels like 8th grade again.


BTW. Please don't tell me to SIIHP. It's too big.


[/ QUOTE ]

[[censored]]

25 & 20? please it's not even worth mentioning.

You guys have already crossed the no dating/relationship line, pretending to not feel how you really do doesn't change anything.

[Alobar]

[censored] is dead on here.

[Pocket Trips]

I have been in relationships like you describe here.. where it's not just about sex (something the people on here with the metality of beavis and butthead on here wouldn't understand).

Right now you are in the beginning stages of a relationship, just because you have not had sex doesn't disqualify this as a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship.

As you stated in your OP she is going through a lot of changes (both physically and mentally) due to her sobriety. I'm sure her well-being is just as important to you as it is to her since you obviously care for her very much.


If your relationship is not interfering with her recovery then I see nothing wrong with it. Sure you may both be frightened by the feelings you are having (too close,too soon), but thats part of what makes falling in love great.

The most important thing is how you two feel about each other. Don't get upset when others judge your relationship and feel the need to "label" it. People will refer to you as a couple because for all intents and purposes that is what you present yourselves as.

If you both are happy spending time together getting to know one another then why worry about what others think???

Just take it as slow as you need to. When the time is right you will SIIHP.

[SCfuji]

id like to help you complete the subject line of your thread stranger.

"Now that we're just friends. . . ---I can use you to buy me all the nice things I want from clothing to jewelry and take me out to nice restaurants to eat."

hope you take a stand bro.

[The Stranger]

[ QUOTE ]
25 & 20? please it's not even worth mentioning.


[/ QUOTE ]

I'm really not trying to debate you here. I value all your input so far.

But when I made reference to her being really young, I didn't mean young compared to me, I meant young in general.

As in there might be differences in meaning of the statement "I love you" for someone who is 20, 30, or 40. Emotional maturity and whatnot.

[[censored]]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
25 & 20? please it's not even worth mentioning.


[/ QUOTE ]

I'm really not trying to debate you here. I value all your input so far.

But when I made reference to her being really young, I didn't mean young compared to me, I meant young in general.

As in there might be differences in meaning of the statement "I love you" for someone who is 20, 30, or 40. Emotional maturity and whatnot.

[/ QUOTE ]

I just meant it is not worth worrying about.

[shant]

I am at work and couldn't come back to this thread for a while, but [censored] really hit all the key points. Just get back to making out.

[NoOuts]

I would really be worried that she's replacing the negative feelings that often come with new sobriety, with the OP.
Instead of her new reality, she falls in love. That's where you were headed all along. (You were in bed together, hello!)

Ultimately, you are only responsible for your own sobriety. She has to find her own. If you feel that you are being straight with her, do what you want.

You really should discuss this with your sponsor and some other old-timers.

my $.02

[The Stranger]

[ QUOTE ]
That's where you were headed all along. (You were in bed together, hello!)



[/ QUOTE ]

slept together a few times (clothed) if that matters.

Good point, but being there through all of this, right now I believe that is just one of those things that happened. Neither of us really tried to make it happen.

[ChipWrecked]

[ QUOTE ]
I would really be worried that she's replacing the negative feelings that often come with new sobriety, with the OP.


[/ QUOTE ]

Yes, or I would say she is replacing her addiction to alcohol with an addiction to you. Just be advised.

[KaneKungFu123]

[ QUOTE ]
Slight kissinng and hugging for two weeks is moving too fast? I don't understand the "slow down" thing either.

[/ QUOTE ]

lmao

[KaneKungFu123]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
Slight kissinng and hugging for two weeks is moving too fast? I don't understand the "slow down" thing either.

[/ QUOTE ]

too fast emotionally, not physically.

its hard to describe.

[/ QUOTE ]

this sounds like something james bond would say.

[nothumb]

You usually have these great, stoic, semi-gimmicky replies to everything that make me feel you are really Sam Elliot.

You aren't, are you?

NT