OOT come up with the worst opening sentence of a novel that you can.

[partygirluk]

Inspired by

http://uk.news.yahoo.com/050728/80/fof91.html

[YourFoxyGrandma]

[ QUOTE ]
As he stared at her ample bosom, he daydreamed of the dual Stromberg carburetors in his vintage Triumph Spitfire, highly functional yet pleasingly formed, perched prominently on top of the intake manifold, aching for experienced hands, the small knurled caps of the oil dampeners begging to be inspected and adjusted as described in chapter seven of the shop manual

[/ QUOTE ]

Haha. Hilarious.

[xadrez]

Like, I'll never forget the day my daddy bought me my first Hermes bag.

[Oski]

"A note about our English ... we are not novelists we are professional Poker Players."

[coffeecrazy1]

How about this:

The winter snows were finally melting, rolling off the roof of the stately manor in rivulets and rills, dripping onto the ground with the sound of beer-laden urine splashing into a filthy trough urinal during the second quarter of the Super Bowl.

[jason_t]

[ QUOTE ]
Like, I'll never forget the day my daddy bought me my first Hermes bag.

[/ QUOTE ]

This had some potential. It would have been better had you modeled it after

[ QUOTE ]
Many years later, as he faced the firing squad, Colonel Aureliano Buendia was to remember that distant afternoon when his father took him to discover ice.

[/ QUOTE ]

[meep_42]

"I've been crying for the last hour -- someone ruined my favorite jeans," she confessed to one of the ex-boyfriends she tried to kill.

-d

[jokerthief]

[ QUOTE ]
"I've been crying for the last hour -- someone ruined my favorite jeans," she confessed to one of the ex-boyfriends she tried to kill.

-d

[/ QUOTE ]

Winner.

[krimson]

[ QUOTE ]
"I've been crying for the last hour -- someone ruined my favorite jeans," she confessed to one of the ex-boyfriends she tried to kill.

[/ QUOTE ]

Are you kidding me? This would be a best seller.

[Yeti]

"In the beginning, there was nothing.."

[offTopic]

Wrinkled and sweaty, Ashok dropped the wrestling mask down next to the keyboard, where it stared back at him, standing out against the tabletop like a shiny blue and silver bruise, a bruise not unlike that which troubled his heart, conflicted, counterfeited, false, like an imaginary girlfriend, or a token purchased outside the dominion of the batting cage, "How long...", he wondered, "...could this double life continue...", as if he were at once two people (or more) known, yet anonymous, controlled, yet seeking moderation, "...how can I go on like this? I should stop now, never to return!" and with that, he picked up the mask and started typing anew.

[sfer]

It's a well known contest with many hilarious entries. Found here. (http://www.bulwer-lytton.com/)

EDIT: My favorite: "The night resembled nothing so much as the nose of a giant Labrador in excellent health: cold, black, and wet."
Devery Doleman
Brooklyn, NY

[hobbsmann]

[ QUOTE ]
Many years later, as he faced the firing squad, Colonel Aureliano Buendia was to remember that distant afternoon when his father took him to discover ice.

[/ QUOTE ]

[/ QUOTE ]

But this is actually a great beginning to a great novel.

[sfer]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
Many years later, as he faced the firing squad, Colonel Aureliano Buendia was to remember that distant afternoon when his father took him to discover ice.

[/ QUOTE ]

[/ QUOTE ]

But this is actually a great beginning to a great novel.

[/ QUOTE ]

That's the point.

[offTopic]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
Many years later, as he faced the firing squad, Colonel Aureliano Buendia was to remember that distant afternoon when his father took him to discover ice.

[/ QUOTE ]
But this is actually a great beginning to a great novel.

[/ QUOTE ]

Concur. Some parts get a little confusing, though...too many characters with the same name. /images/graemlins/confused.gif

[Patrick del Poker Grande]

[ QUOTE ]
Wrinkled and sweaty, Ashok dropped the wrestling mask down next to the keyboard, where it stared back at him, standing out against the tabletop like a shiny blue and silver bruise, a bruise not unlike that which troubled his heart, conflicted, counterfeited, false, like an imaginary girlfriend, or a token purchased outside the dominion of the batting cage, "How long...", he wondered, "...could this double life continue...", as if he were at once two people (or more) known, yet anonymous, controlled, yet seeking moderation, "...how can I go on like this? I should stop now, never to return!" and with that, he picked up the mask and started typing anew.

[/ QUOTE ]
Brilliant. There needs to be a chipotle wrapper/remnants in there somewhere. Also, SIIHP.

[Jersey Nick]

As Jason stared blankly at his hands on the computer keyboard he felt a hopeless sympathy for his former lover (a model) while he struggled with a way to console her via instant message conversation over the tragic ruin of her favorite jeans in an unfortunate laundry accident, he did not even notice the thin nine inch scar that ran up his right forearm, a defensive wound from the knife attack this same woman had inflicted upon him while they were still dating, but after she cheated on him - he knew his friends would only remember her as “that crazy attention-whore”.

[coffeecrazy1]

This one killed me:

Captain Burton stood at the bow of his massive sailing ship, his weathered face resembling improperly cured leather that wouldn't even be used to make a coat or something.
Bryan Semrow
Oshkosh, WI

[antidan444]

[ QUOTE ]
"In the beginning, there was nothing.."

[/ QUOTE ]

End of thread.

[Justin A]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
"In the beginning, there was nothing.."

[/ QUOTE ]

End of thread.

[/ QUOTE ]

Except it's very incorrect. Nice try though.

[YourFoxyGrandma]

He stepped through the doorway into the warmth of the fading dusklight, his loins burning with a fire the likes of which he had not experienced in many moons.

[gumpzilla]

[ QUOTE ]

This had some potential. It would have been better had you modeled it after

[ QUOTE ]
Many years later, as he faced the firing squad, Colonel Aureliano Buendia was to remember that distant afternoon when his father took him to discover ice.

[/ QUOTE ]

[/ QUOTE ]

I've tried starting that book three times, and can never get more than 40 pages in. It's strange, because I like his short stories.

[Klepton]

[ QUOTE ]
Call me Ishael. I play 80k hands of 2/4 a month with a xbox gamepad that i modded to the back of ym computer and i never want to move up in limits. ever.

[/ QUOTE ]

this book would suck.

[Sooga]

As the five nubile young men sat intimiately in the hot tub, the talk turned to the mysteriously enchanting pokerjo. "I'D LIKE TO STICK IT IN HER POOPER!" one of the men yelled, clearly inebriated by one of the many coconut-cupped tropical drinks he had had that night. An awkward silence followed, finally broken by a simple suggestion: "You should seriously consider killing yourself."

[jason_t]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
Many years later, as he faced the firing squad, Colonel Aureliano Buendia was to remember that distant afternoon when his father took him to discover ice.

[/ QUOTE ]

But this is actually a great beginning to a great novel.

[/ QUOTE ]

Point.

Your head.

[gorie]

the end.

[kerssens]

[ QUOTE ]
the end.

[/ QUOTE ]

scotty's angry!! /images/graemlins/mad.gif I was about to post this but decided to refresh first.

[private joker]

[ QUOTE ]
This one killed me:

Captain Burton stood at the bow of his massive sailing ship, his weathered face resembling improperly cured leather that wouldn't even be used to make a coat or something.
Bryan Semrow
Oshkosh, WI

[/ QUOTE ]

That's my favorite too. I also liked:

[ QUOTE ]
A warning to the reader: Tom dies in the end of the story so don't get too attached to him.
Sam Gerring
Lexington, KY


[/ QUOTE ]

[CORed]

I still like "It was a dark and stormy night.".

I believe that there really is a bad 19th century British novel that starts with this sentence, but I can't remember the title or author and I haven't read it.

[manpower]

"The beauty of poker is that on the surface it is a game of utter simplicity, yet beneath the surface it is profound, rich and full of subtlety."

Sorry, had to be done.

[Harv72b]

"I think I'll move to Hoboken," Jimmy Jenson thought as he stared at the grass in his yard--green, like a 1973 Dodge Dart; wavy, like one's vision after inhaling too many exhaust fumes from a 1973 Dodge Dart; smelling of manure, like the upholstery of a 1973 Dodge Dart; alive, like his ex-girlfriend in the trunk of a 1973 Dodge Dart; and long, like a compound sentence gone awry.

__________________________________________________ ______

Words.

__________________________________________________ ______

Charles Manson had always fancied himself a figure skater.

__________________________________________________ ______

Massed in orbit around the fragile blue world, Earth, the alien invasion fleet began its atmospheric descent, great processions of battle cruisers and landing craft resembling the tentacles of some giant, space-faring squid, except that a squid couldn't possibly survive unprotected in space...or could it?

__________________________________________________ _______

"I feel like Alice will always be alive, somewhere inside of me," Humphrey announced, as he wiped his lips and put down the hip bone.

__________________________________________________ ______

Captain Sir Lance Humpalot stroked the the supple, naked breast of his lover, savoring the pungent aroma which lingered from their night of passionate love-making, which had sadly resulted in the deaths of three chimpanzees but which he reckoned to be a fair price to pay for love. "Fred, darling," he cooed.

[citanul]

There's actually a contest to write the best thing you can starting with that every year.

And I'm pretty sure A Wrinkle in Time starts with it as well.

citanul

[OrangeCat]

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

[ddubois]

It was a really, really, really dark and really, really, really stormy night.

[shadow29]

It's been a couple years and I don't remember the title, nor could I find it after googling for five minutes or so.

It was like:

[ QUOTE ]
You opened this book. You are now reading this book.

[/ QUOTE ]

etc.

[12ozLongneck]

[ QUOTE ]
It's been a couple years and I don't remember the title, nor could I find it after googling for five minutes or so.

It was like:

[ QUOTE ]
You opened this book. You are now reading this book.

[/ QUOTE ]

etc.

[/ QUOTE ]

Sounds kind of like Calvino's "If On a Winter's Night a Traveller."

[ClaytonN]

The air was stale. The continual flickering of the overhead fan was an omnipotent reminder of the wrecklessness at hand. His turmoil could be felt, could be smelled. The lamp, barely casting a light over the end of the room, served more as a caster of shadows than a giver of light. His presence could be felt, or as his mother would point out, it would be reckoned with. "No, mom, I don't want any more [censored] brownies!", he would yell.

His situation was desolate, his mind a wasteland. His existance, much as his favorite bronx bombers, were seemingly futile. It had been days (or was it weeks?) since he was banned from two plus two, and life just did not feel the same. The incessant ticking, the ticking of the overhead fan. Tick, tick, tick. The phantom sounds would continue to echo through the night, reminders of the keystrokes and long nights he would endure causing melancholy among his brethren.

[whiskeytown]

"Hey Arne, that woman's blowing a horse"

(from a nonfiction book - the bio of Barbara Carlson...brrrr....)

RB

[James Boston]

Where is:

"I'd stuck it in her pooper...." ???

[gulebjorn]

[ QUOTE ]
It was a really, really, really dark and really, really, really stormy night.

[/ QUOTE ]

Good one.

[Bulldog]

Once you get to a period, your sentence is over.

Her breasteses were like two gigantic mounds of cottage cheese, all dimpled and mottled and off-color.

[durron597]

Oh freddled gruntbuggly, thy nicturations are to me, as plurdled gabbleblotchits on a lurgid bee.

[mason55]

Glancing back and forth, he wondered aloud which was the real George Washington and which one was the robot George Washington.

[NutzyClutz]

Sounds of distant calvery resonated in my heart when I spied my K-K, my all-in was a harbinger of spring...ing into action was the instant call of Amarillo Fats whilst calvery stampeded my downtrotten body towards Amerillo's A-A.

[asofel]

riverrun, past Eve and Adam's, from swerve of shore to bend
of bay, brings us by a commodius vicus of recirculation back to Howth Castle and Environs.

[benza13]

[ QUOTE ]
Oh freddled gruntbuggly, thy nicturations are to me, as plurdled gabbleblotchits on a lurgid bee.

[/ QUOTE ]

nh.

But isn't this the start of a poem, not a novel...

[Hiding]

His hangover had hime feeling like an overcooked piece of broccolli, a funny color of green and all soft and mushy....

[superleeds]

Wearily he lifted his head from the curb only for his eyes to be filled with the oncoming tread from a Pirelli Scorpion Zero. Whilst he was pleased he hadn't lost his ability to instantaneously recognise car tyres from around the world, a habit picked up from the lonely days at Appleford High, he couldn't help thinking that this was a bad start to the day.

[mason55]

Rocking in his chair on the front porch, he quickly plucked his banjo, like a senior plucking the virginity from a freshman girl on homecoming weekend.

[RiverFenix]

When fireman Frank Fuentes saw the young woman at the scene of the fire he was filled with a fiery passion, not from his love of putting out fires mind you( which is a very fiery passion for him indeed), but for this flamming hot woman who he wanted to take back to what he called "the furnace" and extinguish the flames he felt for her with his hose -- as he approached her he thought to himself "im going to have to SIIHP if i dont want to have that burning in the morning."

[Wad]

http://www.geocities.com/lkwad/stormy.jpg

[somethingstupid]

For real, right.