I need a good doctor joke

[Rhone]

OK, I need a terrific joke having something to do with doctors, medicine, or health care. It has to be CLEAN, though, something you could tell in front of a bunch of clients. I've been combing through joke archives online and everything I can find is either horribly stupid or too risque for this audience.

Thanks, ootiots!!

[touchfaith]

How 'bout a punchline?


"So then the Doctor says..."
"Oh, there's my thermometer...Now where'd I leave that pen??"

[Olof]

Some of these may not be clean or funny enough...

Old man goes to the doctor
The doctor says "I'm sorry, you have cancer and Alzheimer's."
The old man replies "Could be worse. At least its not cancer".

A man is in the hospital awaiting the results of his wife's tests.
Man: Hi doc what can you tell me
Doctor: I'm afraid there has been a mix up with 2 sets of results.
Man: Oh?
Doctor: Yes, but I can tell you that she has got EITHER Alzheimers OR HIV.
Man: Oh, no. So what do you advice me to do?
Doc: Well sir, if I was you I'd drop her off in the centre of town and if she makes it home don't [censored] her.

A man goes to see an optometrist.
The doctor says, "You have to stop masturbating."
The guy says, "Why? Am I going blind?"
The doctor says, "No, you're upsetting the other
patients in the waiting room."

A man goes to the doctor and says,
"Doctor, I'm having trouble with my hearing".
"What are the symptoms?" asks the doctor.
The man replies, "A yellow TV cartoon family".

[Claunchy]

3 outta 4 ain't bad.

[Klepton]

a doctor talks to a husband after his wife was in a car accident.

doctor - "i'm sorry, but your wife is paralyzed from the neck down. you're going to have to take care of her, feed her, bath her, and clean up her [censored]."
husband - "oh my god, that's terrible!"
doctor - "no i'm just [censored] with ya, she's dead"

[Yeti]

[ QUOTE ]
A man goes to the doctor and says,
"Doctor, I'm having trouble with my hearing".
"What are the symptoms?" asks the doctor.
The man replies, "A yellow TV cartoon family".

[/ QUOTE ]

nh

[fingokra]

Doctor tells a man after his wife has been in a car accident

that his wife will be a quadripelgic(sp)
in order for her to survive he will have to feed her, wash her, clean up her !$%!! for the rest of her life

man goes back into the room and wife asked what the doctor said

man replies, the doctor said you're not going to make it

[JaBlue]

kid goes in for check up

Doc: How old are you?
Kid: Almost seven!
Doc: Don't be so optimistic

[nothumb]

Ok, here's a nice family doctor joke:

This absolutely stunning woman walks into a gynecologist's office. I mean drop dead, crawl-across-miles-of-broken-glass-to-sniff-her-ass-sweat-a-week-after-she-dies gorgeous. All the years of professionalism and training go out the window.

So the doctor sidles up and asks how she's doing, tells her to relax. Then he takes a deep breath and starts fondling her breasts.

"Do you know what I'm doing?" he asks.
"Sure," she says, "you're checking my breasts for any lumps."

The doctor's kind of surprised, so he decides to go for third base. He starts working her up a little bit.

"Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asks her.
"Yeah, you're checking my vagina for abnormalities."

He can't believe it. This chick is actually letting him get away with the biggest breach of professional etiquette he can imagine. So he goes for the gold - whips it right out and slides it in.

"Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asks.
"Sure I do," she replies, "you're getting herpes. That's why I'm here."

NT

[kerssens]

[ QUOTE ]
kid goes in for check up

Doc: How old are you?
Kid: Almost seven!
Doc: Don't be so optimistic

[/ QUOTE ]

awesome.

[youtalkfunny]

Doc gives a guy six months to live. He can't pay his bill. Doc gave him another six months.

Doc told me to stand by the window, and stick out my tongue. I asked why. He said, "Because I'm mad at my neighbor!"

[OtisTheMarsupial]

What do you call a med student who gets all Cs?


Doctor.


What do you call a med student who gets all Ds?



Dentist.

edit: This isn't funny. I can't remember jokes. Sorry.

[diebitter]

Guy goes to the doc. Doc examines him, and says "Bad news, I'm afraid. You have GASH, a combination of gonorrhea, Aids, Syphilis and Herpes. You're gonna have to live on a diet of crackers from now on."
The guy says "Will that help?"
The doc says "No, but it's all we can fit under the door."

[ChipWrecked]

Doctor: You've got six months to live.
Patient: I'd like a second opinion.
Doctor: OK, you're ugly too.

Take my wife.... please.