Jack Handy

[J_V]

If you drop your keys into a river of hot molten lava.....just let them go man, cause they're gone.



If there were two creatures, one being a dolphin, and their names were flippy and hambone, you'd think the dolphin's name would be flippy, but you're wrong - it's hambone.

[Piz0wn0reD!!!!!!]

lol

#2 is awsome

[Sponger15SB]

Am I the only one who found 90% of these completely unfunny?

[Bungler]

The best one ever was when he was taking his nephew to Disneyland but went to a burnt down lot. Then he was going to take him to the real Disneyland, But it was closed.

Thats good stuff

[LoaferGee12]

[ QUOTE ]
Am I the only one who found 90% of these completely unfunny?

[/ QUOTE ]

I hope so.

[PoBoy321]

[ QUOTE ]
The best one ever was when he was taking his nephew to Disneyland but went to a burnt down lot. Then he was going to take him to the real Disneyland, But it was closed.

Thats good stuff

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Wow, at least get it right.

[ QUOTE ]
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

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[nolanfan34]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
The best one ever was when he was taking his nephew to Disneyland but went to a burnt down lot. Then he was going to take him to the real Disneyland, But it was closed.

Thats good stuff

[/ QUOTE ]

Wow, at least get it right.

[ QUOTE ]
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

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This is the first one that popped into my head right away when I saw the thread title.

[kerssens]

"I'd rather be rich than stupid"

[kasey2004]

[ QUOTE ]
"I'd rather be rich than stupid"

[/ QUOTE ]

nh

/images/graemlins/spade.gif Kasey /images/graemlins/spade.gif

[kerssens]

This one is quite awesome as well...

"We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me."

[wayabvpar]

One of my favs-

[ QUOTE ]
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

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[J_V]

Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.

Whether they find a life there or not, I think Jupiter should be called an enemy planet.

Too bad when I was a kid there wasn't a guy in our class that everybody called the "Cricket Boy", because I would have liked to stand up in class and tell everybody, "You can make fun of the Cricket Boy if you want to, but to me he's just like everybody else." Then everybody would leave the Cricket Boy alone, and I'd invite him over to spend the night at my house, but after about five minutes of that loud chirping I'd have to kick him out. Maybe later we could get up a petition to get the Cricket Family run out of town. Bye, Cricket Boy.

I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.

Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition.

Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.

If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the students from just trying to yodel right off. You see, we build to that.

[kerssens]

[ QUOTE ]
One of my favs-

[ QUOTE ]
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

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very nice /images/graemlins/grin.gif

How about...

"The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw."

[ucfryan]

Contrary to popular belief, the most dangerous animal is not the lion or tiger or even the elephant. The most dangerous animal is a shark riding on an elephant, just trampling and eating everything they see.

[Dr. StrangeloveX]

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean ? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.

Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what is I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.

I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.

Life, to me, is like a quiet forest pool, one that needs a direct hit from a big rock half-buried in the ground. You pull and you pull, but you can't get the rock out of the ground. So you give it a good kick, but you lose your balance and go skidding down the hill toward the pool. Then out comes a big Hawaiian man who was screwing his wife beside the pool because they thought it was real pretty. He tells you to get out of there, but you start faking it, like you're talking Hawaiian, and then he gets mad and chases you..

One time I was walking through the field behind our house, when this man jumped out and grabbed me. He was wearing a striped uniform and his ankles were chained together. He told me to get him some food, and some tools to get the chains off his legs. And if I didn't, he would kill my whole family.


I wonder whatever happened to that guy.

[miajag81]

[ QUOTE ]
"I'd rather be rich than stupid"

[/ QUOTE ]

always been my favorite.

[Voltron87]

[ QUOTE ]
Contrary to popular belief, the most dangerous animal is not the lion or tiger or even the elephant. The most dangerous animal is a shark riding on an elephant, just trampling and eating everything they see.

[/ QUOTE ]

awesome

[Smarty]

I don't find most of his stuff funny, but this is a gem

"I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning and nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to the old board of his. Then he'd spin it round and round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where it stopped he'd yell out, "Tadpoles! Tadpoles is a winner!" We all thought he was crazy. But then we had some growing up to do."

[Non_Comformist]

Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someones neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing.

He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven--with a gun."

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

[Non_Comformist]

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town.

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis

[Wes ManTooth]

[ QUOTE ]
Contrary to popular belief, the most dangerous animal is not the lion or tiger or even the elephant. The most dangerous animal is a shark riding on an elephant, just trampling and eating everything they see.

[/ QUOTE ]

[Wes ManTooth]

"The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you."

[theredwave]

You spelled his name wrong, but I forgive you.
Link (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jack_Handey)

[Blarg]

[ QUOTE ]
"The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you."

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LOL. There are a lot of good ones here. Who Jack Handy is, I haven't the slightest idea.

[shant]

When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.

[kerssens]

[ QUOTE ]
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis

[/ QUOTE ]

I'm not literally crying from this one. Jesus that's funny.

[d10]

[ QUOTE ]
Am I the only one who found 90% of these completely unfunny?

[/ QUOTE ]

Probably.

[Brainwalter]

I remember I was hammering on a fence in the backyard when Dad approached. He was carrying a letter or something in his hand, and he looked worried.
I continued to hammer as he came toward me. "Son," he said, "why are you hammering on that fence? It already has plenty of nails in it."
"Oh, I'm not using nails," I replied. "I'm just hammering." With that, I returned to my hammering.
Dad asked me to stop hammering, as he had some news. I did stop hammering, but first I got a couple more hammers in, and this seemed to make Dad mad. "I said, stop hammering!" he yelled.
I think he felt bad for yelling at me, especially since it looked like he had bad news. "Look," he said, "you can hammer later, but first--"
Well, I didn't even wait to hear the rest. As soon as I heard "You can hammer," that's what I started doing. Hammering away, happy as an old hammer dog.
Dad tried to physically stop me from hammering by inserting a small log of some sort between my hammer and the fence. But I just kept on hammering, 'cause that's the way I am when I get that hammer going. Then, he just grabbed my arm and and made me stop.
"I'm afraid I have some news for you," he said.
I swear, what I did next was not hammering. I was just letting the hammer swing lazily at arm's length, and maybe it tapped the fence once or twice, but that's all. That apparently didn't make any difference whatsoever to Dad, because he just grabbed my hammer out of my hand and flung it across the field.
And when I saw my hammer flying helplessly through the air like that I just couldn't take it. I burst out crying, I admit it. And I ran to the house, as fast as my legs could take me.
"Son, come back!" yelled Dad. "What about your hammer?!"
But I could not have cared less about hammering at that point. I ran into the house and flung myself onto my bed, pounding the bed with my fists. I pounded and pounded, until finally, behind me, I heard a voice. "As long as you're pounding, why not use this?" I turned, and it was Dad, holding a brand-new solid-gold hammer.
I quickly wiped the tears from my eyes and ran to Dad's outstretched arms. But suddenly, he jumped out of the way, and I went sailing through the second-story window behind him.
Whenever I hear about a kid getting in trouble with the drugs, I like to tell him this story.

[EliteNinja]

Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaut on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, "Think again, bat man."

I think a good scene in a movie would be where one scientist tells another scientist, "You know what will save the world? You're holding it in your hand." And the other scientist looks, and in his hand are peanuts. Then when he looks up, the first scientist is being taken away to the insane asylum.

I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said. "I'm off the team, aren't I?" "Well," said Coach, "you never were really ON the team. You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times." It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mould. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on.

[ucfryan]

Ingenius.

[Soul Daddy]

This one was always my favorite. I don't even know why.

"If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy."

[Sully]

[ QUOTE ]
I don't find most of his stuff funny, but this is a gem

"I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning and nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to the old board of his. Then he'd spin it round and round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where it stopped he'd yell out, "Tadpoles! Tadpoles is a winner!" We all thought he was crazy. But then we had some growing up to do."

[/ QUOTE ]

If this is your favorite one, then no wonder you don't like the rest.

[Spladle Master]

As we were driving, we saw a sign that said "Watch for rocks." Marta said it should read "Watch for pretty rocks." I told her she should write in her suggestion to the highway department, but she started saying it was a joke, just to get out of writing a simple letter. And I thought I was lazy.

I bet what happened was, they discovered fire and invented the wheel on the same day. Then, that night, they burned the wheel.

I remember how my great uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all day long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a larger toy boat I had. It was almost as good as the first one, except now it had bumpy whittle marks all over it, and no paint, because he had whittled off the pain.

I think a cute idea would be about a parrot who is raised with eagles. It would be cute because the parrot can't seem to act like an eagle. After awhile though, to keep the movie from getting boring, maybe put in some pornography. Later, we see the happy parrot flying along, acting like an eagle. He sees two parrots below and starts to attack, but it's his parents. Then, some more pornography.

I think a good gift for the president would be a chocolate revolver, and since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up real quick and hand it to him.

I think a good novel would be where a bunch of men on a ship are looking for a whale. They look and look, but you know what? They never find him. And you know why they never find him? It doesn't say. The book leaves it up to you, the reader, to decide. Then at the very end, there's a page you can lick, and it tastes like Kool-Aid.

I wish I would have a real tragic love affair, and get so bummed out that I just quit my job, and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway.

If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call it Trampoland, because you might think it was a store for tramps, which is not the impression we are trying to convey with our store. On the other hand, we would not prohibit tramps from browsing or testing our trampolines, unless a tramp's gyrations seem to be getting out of control.

If you go flying back through time, and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.

If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.

If you're robbing a bank, and your pants suddenly fall down, I think it's OK to laugh, and to let the hostages laugh too, because come on, life is funny.

In weightlifting, I don't think sudden, uncontrolled urination should automatically disqualify you.

Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset, and he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet, and also, you're drunk.

Many people never stop to realize that a tree is a living thing, not that different from a tall leafy dog that has roots and is very quiet.

Sometimes the beauty of the world is so overwhelming, I just want to throw back my head and gargle. Just gargle and gargle, and I don't care who hears me, because I am beautiful.

The sound of fresh rain runoff splashing from the roof reminded me of the sound of urine splashing into a filthy Texaco latrine.

You know one thing that will really make a woman mad? Just run up and kick her in the butt. P.S.: this also works with men.

[Spladle Master]

As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable, until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but a HUMAN HEAD!

Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home, his face might burn up.

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

When the age of the Vikings came to a close, they must've sensed it. Probably, they gathered together one evening, slapped each other on the back and said, "Hey, good job."

You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who makes people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.

I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet you can really see it in those genitals.

Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.

I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him, and not feel too bad.

As the evening sky faded from a salmon color, to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named him Flint.

If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and your friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.

If you're a young mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.

It's too bad that whole families have to be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.

Today, I accidentally stepped on a snail on the sidewalk in front of our house, and I thought, "I too am like that snail. I build a defensive wall around myself - a shell if you will - but my shell isn't made out of a hard protective substance. Mine is made out of tinfoil and paper bags."

If you ever go temporarily insane, don't shoot somebody, like a lot of people do. Instead, try to get some weeding done, because you'd be really surprised.

I wish I had a kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula and Superman away.

It makes me mad when I go to all the trouble of having Marta cook up about a hundred drumsticks, then the guy at Marineland says, "You can't throw that chicken to the dolphins. They eat fish." Sure they eat fish if that's all you give them. Man, wise up!

It makes me mad when people say I turned and ran like a scared rabbit. Maybe it was like an angry rabbit, who was running to go fight in another fight, away from the first fight.

Too bad there's not such a thing as a golden skunk, because you'd probably be proud to be sprayed by one.

Children need encouragement, so if a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way, he develops a good, lucky feeling.

If you're at a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the stuffing, or the cranberry sauce, or anything else, just pretend you're eating it, but instead put it into your lap and form it into a big mushy ball. Then, later, when you're out back having cigars with the boys, let out a big cough and throw the ball to the ground, then say, "Boy these are good cigars."

If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope he likes enchiladas, because that's what he's getting.

Instead of having answers on a math test, they should just call them "impressions", and if you got a different impression, so what? Can't we all be brothers?

I bet for an indian, shooting an old fat pioneer woman in the back with an arrow, and she fires her shotgun into the ground as she falls over, is like the top thing you can do.

Sometimes I think the world has gone completely mad, and then I think, "Ah, who cares?" And then I think, "Hey, what's for supper?"

I think a good movie would be about a guy who's a brain scientist, but he gets hit on the head, and it damages the part of the brain that makes you want to study the brain.

If you're an ant, and you're walking across the top of a cup of pudding, you probably have no idea that the only thing between you and disaster is the strength of that pudding skin.

Marta talks about sensuality, but I don't think she'd know sensuality if it bit her on the ass.

Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?

If I was a doctor operating on a patient, and he died on me, and his spirit was hovering above his own body, looking down on it, I would take out a hundred dollar bill, flash it at the spirit, and then stuff it in the hand of the dead body. This would coax the spirit to return to his body. If that didn't work, I'd put the body's hand on the breast of a nurse. That oughta do it. In any case, I'd take the hundred dollar bill back before he woke up.

I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like, "Hey, when are you going to pay me that $100 you owe me?", or, "Do you have that $50 you borrowed?" Man, quit being so cheap!

The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe, but the stupid man will just lay down on some seaweed, and roll around until he's completely draped in it. Then he'll stand up and go, "Hey, I'm Vine Man."

If aliens from outerspace ever come and we show them our civilization and they make fun of it, we should say we were just kidding, that this isn't really our civilization, but a gag we hoped they would like. Then we tell them to come back in 20 years to see our real civilization. After that, we start a crash program of coming up with an impressive new civilization. Either that, or just shoot down the aliens as they're waving goodbye.

When you go for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.

I wish outerspace guys would conquer earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little basket beds with my name on it.

When people say that the desert is lifeless, it just makes me want to grab them by the collar and yell, "Why you stupid, stupid bastard!" Then I drive them out into the desert, to where the circus is, and point out the many forms of zebra and clown life.

You know what it is that frightens ants the most? It's not the anteater, and it's not the steamroller. No wait, it is the steamroller. I got mixed up.

Isn't it funny how whenever we go to a county fair or a state fair, the first thing we do is see if they have some kind of pornography booth.

How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol? How about the pillow? It has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn't have that dangerous beak.

It's easy to sit and scoff at an old man's folly, but also, check out his Adam's apple.

Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No wait, not me, you.

It's easy to sit there and say you'd like more money, and I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy, just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.

If you go through a lot of hammers each month, I don't necessarily think it means you're a hard worker. It may just mean that you have a lot to learn about proper hammer maintenance.

If I come back as an animal in my next lifetime, I hope it's some type of parasite, because this is the part where I take it easy!

If you lived in the Dark Ages, and you were a catapult operator, I bet the most common question people would ask is, "Can't you make it shoot farther?" No, I'm sorry. That's as far as it shoots.

I think Superman and Santa Claus are actually the same guy, and I'll tell you why: Both fly, both wear red, and both have a beard.

If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at some guys, throw one of those little baby-type pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think of how crazy war is, and while they're thinking, you can throw a real grenade.

I bet a funny thing about driving a car off a cliff is, while you're in midair, you still hit those brakes. Hey, better try the emergency brake.

People laugh when I say that I think a jellyfish is the most beautiful things in the world. What they don't understand is, I mean a jellyfish with long blonde hair.

You can't tell me that cowboys, when they're branding cattle, don't sort of "accidentally" brand each other every once in awhile. It's their way of letting off stress.

The whole town laughed at my great grandfather, just because he worked hard and saved his money. True, working at the hardware store didn't pay much, but he felt it was better than what everybody else did, which was go up to the volcano, and collect the gold nuggets that shot out everyday. It turned out he was right. After 40 years the volcano petered out. Everybody left town and the hardware store went broke. Finally he decided to collect gold nuggets too, but there weren't many left by then. Plus, he broke his leg, and the doctor's bills were real high.

I remember one day I was at grandpa's farm, and I asked him about sex. He sort of smiled and said, "Maybe instead of telling you what sex is, why don't we go out to the horse pasture and I'll show you." So we did, and there on the ground were my parents having sex.

You know what's probably a good thing to hang on your porch in the summertime to keep mosquitoes away from you and your guests? Just a big bag full of blood.

One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is don't run with a wooden stake.

When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police, but then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns.

Probably the saddest thing you'll ever see is a mosquito sucking on a mummy. Forget it, little friend.

When Gary told me he had found Jesus, I thought, Yahoo! We're rich! But it turned out to be something different.

They say the mountain holds many secrets, but the biggest is this, "I am a fake mountain."

Before a mad scientist goes mad, there's probably a time when he's only partially mad. And this is the time when he's going to throw his best parties.

It's funny, but when you look at an old man, then you look at a photo of him when he was a young man, then look back at the old man, then the photo, back and forth, pretty soon you'll do whatever anybody tells you to.

When he was a little boy, he had always wanted to be an acrobat. It looked like so much fun, spinning through the air, flipping, landing on other people's shoulders. Little did he know that when he finally did become an acrobat, it would seem so boring. Years later, after he finally quit, he found out he hadn't been working as an acrobat after all. He had just been a street weirdo.

One of the worst things you can do as an actor, I think, is to forget your lines, and then get so flustered you start stabbing the other actors.

For me, the worst thing about having King Kong walk down your street is that kids could look up and see the giant genitalia.

Instead of crucifying a guy on a cross, what about a windmill? That way you get the pain and the dizziness.

Most people don't realize that playing dead can help not only with bears, but also at important business meetings.

Instead of mouse traps, what about baby traps? Not to harm the babies, but just to hold them down until they can be removed.

[bort411]

My favorite:

Probably to a shark about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal, trying to swim to shore, because where does he think he's going?

[jdl22]

I think that Superman and Santa are actually the same guy, and I'll tell you why: Both fly, both wear red, and both have a beard.

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic.

I bet when the neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would always end up saying, "Don't forget the thick, heavy brows." Then they would all get embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and they'd get mad and eat the snowman.

[Frogic]

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.

When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, mmmmmmm, boy.

I wish I had a Kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away.

[Wes ManTooth]

[ QUOTE ]
Am I the only one who found 90% of these completely unfunny?

[/ QUOTE ]

Not surprised, man it must suck to be you

[Blarg]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
I don't find most of his stuff funny, but this is a gem

"I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning and nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to the old board of his. Then he'd spin it round and round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where it stopped he'd yell out, "Tadpoles! Tadpoles is a winner!" We all thought he was crazy. But then we had some growing up to do."

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If this is your favorite one, then no wonder you don't like the rest.

[/ QUOTE ]

It's his little codas that make a lot of them shine. This one is good.

[Blarg]

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It's too bad that whole families have to be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.

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If you ever go temporarily insane, don't shoot somebody, like a lot of people do. Instead, try to get some weeding done, because you'd be really surprised.

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It makes me mad when people say I turned and ran like a scared rabbit. Maybe it was like an angry rabbit, who was running to go fight in another fight, away from the first fight.

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If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope he likes enchiladas, because that's what he's getting.


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And more...some damn funny stuff here...

[somethingstupid]

jokes, i think, are funny

[Monkeyslacks]

Stick it in her pooper!

[Jules22]

He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, 'Dust to dust,' some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, 'I'll be waiting for you in heaven---with a gun.