What in the hell can I do to get fired???? ( long, rambling, idiotic)

[Pocket Trips]

OK I am tired of my boss's bullshit. Tired of getting yelled at for fixing mistakes he made, tired of making appointments for him which get cancelled because he can't get his fat ass to a 2 pm appointment on time when it is the only thing he has to do all damn day! So I REALLY need to find a new job, but there are a few problems.

I don't drive and the area I live in is almost impossible to get around by public transportation, and my relationship with my boss is hanging by a thread as You will see later on so I can't take much time off to go on interviews while still employed so I have decided to get myself fired in order to collect unemployment while I look for a new job.

I also know that my boss is DESPERATE for people who are good on the phones and that his new clients would come to a screeching halt if I left my job so I can basically get away with murder and not get fired, but I am trying my best.

In order to get myself fired I have done the following over the past few months:

on 3 occasions now I have not showed up and not called for 2 days at a time ( 3 days is considered job abandonment) and on the 3rd daY when I show up my boss just brings me into his office yells at me tells me he will give me one more chance blah blah blah....

I have cut my production to the point where I now do in a week what I used to do in 1 day ( thanks to 2+2 /images/graemlins/smile.gif )

Then today the following happened :

Mayor McCheese waddles past my office as I am just hanging up the phone and writing the results of the last call down on my notes. He waddles in reverse and says " I want you on the phone all day today" I explain to him that I was on the phone less than 5 seconds ago and he rolls his eyes and walks away.

Fast foward 3 hours later and the exact same thing happens.. I JUST hung up the phone when he waddles past on the way that only people with the body shape of a weeble can... as I am writing the call results down he says to me


Fat Ass " I thought I told you I want you on the phone all day today"

Me " I AM on the phone, I just hung up the reciever less than a second ago"

Fat Ass " NO you didn't"

.... at this point I lost it ....

Me " don't you dare tell me what I just did when you have no clue what the hell you are talking about!"

He comes into my office and says

Fat ass "shut the fvck up"

Me "don't you dare speak to me that way! If you have a problem with me not showing up then fire me but as long as I am an employee here I will be spoken to respectfully"

Fat ass " You have worn out your welcome here and don't deserve any respect"

Me " If I am here I will be treated with a modicom of respect. If you don't like what has happened fire me, but I refuse to be harrassed while trying to make appointments for you and busting my ass all day for you and if you don't like it you can go fvck your own ass" ( yes i really said this to my boss, it was a true office space moment)

FaT Ass " I will check your call counts tomorrow and if they aren't where they should be you will be fired" and he waddled away

Unfortunately I really did do my job today, I even made 2 appointments in 1 day when the average person makes only 3 a week /images/graemlins/frown.gif

Short of crapping on his desk during a staff meeting I am really starting to wonder what I have to do to get fired ???????

[mason55]

You know you don't get unemployment if you're fired for cause?

[DemonDeac]

stick it in his wife pooper??



seriously though. that sucks. why don't you drive?
does your boss have a superior or someone you can talk to?
i dont know what else to tell you. i havent been out in "the real world" yet

[MoreWineII]

Step 1: Install hard-core porn on your work computer.

Step 2: Make an anonymous call or two.

(Step 3: Profit)

[Pocket Trips]

I know.. thats why I am trying to walk a fine line... I am doing enough to be counterproductive to have as an employee but not legally a cause for being denied unemployment

[Pocket Trips]

I have tried playing poker on the office computer and got in trouble for it.. not enough though...

[PokerBob]

[censored] his wife.

[bisonbison]

Or you could have worked like normal, and interviewed for other jobs in the meantime.

[-Skeme-]

[ QUOTE ]
[censored] his wife.

[/ QUOTE ]

His wife's in a coma.

[Edge34]

[ QUOTE ]
[censored] his wife.

[/ QUOTE ]

Or his daughter. Definitely his daughter.

I'd also say to drink VERY heavily over lunch, but that wouldn't be productive to your cause of getting unemployment.

[mmbt0ne]

</font><blockquote><font class="small">En réponse à:</font><hr />
Or you could have worked like normal, and interviewed for other jobs in the meantime.

[/ QUOTE ]

Hey, take your real world solutions and worthwhile advice elsewhere bub.

[Pocket Trips]

this is not possible...I have no vacation/ personal time left ( haven't had any since this whole episode began) and the minute I miss any more time I will be fired w/o getting unemployment

[tdarko]

[ QUOTE ]
Me " If I am here I will be treated with a modicom of respect. If you don't like what has happened fire me, but I refuse to be harrassed while trying to make appointments for you and busting my ass all day for you and if you don't like it you can go fvck your own ass" ( yes i really said this to my boss, it was a true office space moment)

[/ QUOTE ]
[censored]' A man, proud of you brother.

[mason55]

[ QUOTE ]
this is not possible...I have no vacation/ personal time left ( haven't had any since this whole episode began) and the minute I miss any more time I will be fired w/o getting unemployment

[/ QUOTE ]

Should have used those 4 skipped days for job interviews. Maybe you could pull a worker's comp scam or something?

[NotMitch]

You should have used the time you spent not showing up for 2 days at a time for interviewing. Way to blow it.

[Pocket Trips]

He has no family.. He is a fat miserable waste of DNA who spends more on whores in a month than most people make in a year.... recently took one of his "employees" on a company cruise for all the company big wigs... had her go to every dinner wearing almost nothing.. he thought people were jealous of him but they felt sorry for him.

[Pocket Trips]

I did go on a couple interviews..I'm not THAT dumb but I cannot do this anymore

[Willluck]

[ QUOTE ]
He has no family.. He is a fat miserable waste of DNA who spends more on whores in a month than most people make in a year.... recently took one of his "employees" on a company cruise for all the company big wigs... had her go to every dinner wearing almost nothing.. he thought people were jealous of him but they felt sorry for him.

[/ QUOTE ]
How fat is this guy...like in comparison to... oh I donno...John Candy?

[Pocket Trips]

he is about 5'8" and Pushing at least 350+

[skoal2k4]

"Looks like you've been missing a lot of work lately."

"I wouldn't say I've been missing it Bob."

[Pocket Trips]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
Me " If I am here I will be treated with a modicom of respect. If you don't like what has happened fire me, but I refuse to be harrassed while trying to make appointments for you and busting my ass all day for you and if you don't like it you can go fvck your own ass" ( yes i really said this to my boss, it was a true office space moment)

[/ QUOTE ]
[censored]' A man, proud of you brother.

[/ QUOTE ]

Thank I knew If any one would understand this it would be you.... now what channel are those breast exams on again? /images/graemlins/smile.gif

[DasLeben]

Start dressing like a woman. /images/graemlins/tongue.gif

[sexdrugsmoney]

You need to watch the movie "Office Space". /images/graemlins/wink.gif

[Willluck]

Man, he must have really looked like a jackass, I mean some body had to figure the impracticalities of him and that hooker actually having a relationship.

[Talk2BigSteve]

Do you know any doctors who can write you an excuse? Or can you go to a doctor first thing in the morning,say you feel like [censored], get an excuse for the day and interview in the afternoons?

Steve

[[censored]]

Probably just me but my thoughts were-- act like man (picture God Father smack)

[RacersEdge]

I was flipping through an employee realations handbook once, and I think there are cases when you can quit and collect UI. I was kind of surprised. Circumstances have to be bad/unreasonable or something. Sounds like you could be in this case. I would look in to it.

[Pocket Trips]

Just FYI an upper decker is definately in order when i do finally get canned from this hellhole

[Mike Cuneo]

Did you finish your TPS reports yet?

[tolbiny]

"I was flipping through an employee realations handbook once, and I think there are cases when you can quit and collect UI. I was kind of surprised"

You should definately have a tape recorder running on your desk at all times- and note the time and date every time he curses at you. Keep your cool- learn to aggrevate him without cursing yourself. Make sure you repeat things like "i won't be treated this way" when you are recording. File a few complaints with the appropriate athorities to leave a paper trail. Then you will be able to claim a poor work environment when you quit, and should be eligible for unemplyment.

[youtalkfunny]

[ QUOTE ]
You know you don't get unemployment if you're fired for cause?

[/ QUOTE ]

That's not true in every state. LIKE MINE!!!

My employer tried to show cause. But in this state (Mississippi), that's not enough. They would have to show misconduct, which they failed to do.

My current work schedule consists entirely of me walking down to my mailbox once per week, and saying loudly, "Hello, check! Let's go catch up on The Flintstones!"

[drdre2001mm]

If you want to get fired then just have sex with the cleaning woman on the desk in your office.

[PokerBob]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
[censored] his wife.

[/ QUOTE ]

His wife's in a coma.

[/ QUOTE ]

all the better

[PokerBob]

[censored] his dog. [censored] someting. Something must get [censored] here. His desk?

[PokerBob]

[ QUOTE ]
Or you could have worked like normal, and interviewed for other jobs in the meantime.

[/ QUOTE ]

That would make too much sense.

[ElSapo]

[ QUOTE ]
[censored] his dog. [censored] someting. Something must get [censored] here. His desk?

[/ QUOTE ]


This made me laugh harder than I have all day. Of course, it is only 1:38 a.m.

[Thythe]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
[censored] his wife.

[/ QUOTE ]

His wife's in a coma.

[/ QUOTE ]

the ocean called. they're running out of shrimp.

[DemonDeac]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
[censored] his wife.

[/ QUOTE ]

His wife's in a coma.

[/ QUOTE ]

the ocean called. they're running out of shrimp.

[/ QUOTE ]

o yea, Riley. well, the jerk store called, they're running out of you.

[TStoneMBD]

yes i agree with the recorder idea. to make this easier on yourself id suggest buying an mp3 player with voice record if you dont already have one. you can have it running all day and delete any blank air time while the boss isnt looking and you are slacking off. not getting that conversation on tape while the boss was cursing at you is really a huge negative.

[istewart]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
[censored] his wife.

[/ QUOTE ]

His wife's in a coma.

[/ QUOTE ]

the ocean called. they're running out of shrimp.

[/ QUOTE ]

o yea, Riley. well, the jerk store called, they're running out of you.

[/ QUOTE ]

Don't make the best-seller comment, you've already killed it.

[Willluck]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
[censored] his wife.

[/ QUOTE ]

His wife's in a coma.

[/ QUOTE ]

all the better

[/ QUOTE ]
PBob I am seeing a side of you, of which, I have never encountered.

[Sooga]

Or his son.

[degenerategambler]

Just a thought. What is the one thing your job requires you to do to be an effective employee? Communicate with prospective clients, right?
Here's my suggestion:
Over the course of the next few weeks you need to develop a stutter. Not all at once, be very selective and cautious about when it surfaces. A stressful confrontation with your boss would be a good time to let one slip. Act surprised, mention to a coworker that you haven't stuttered since childhood. Remember, you have to be convincing, we're talking some real Uta Hagen type sh** here. Practice in odd places, at the store, in the shower etc. You have to know why you stutter. Be a stutterer.
Let it slip a little more, be surprised. Become more shy and withdrawn as a result. Remember this is a process not an overnight thing.
Eventually your stuttering will negatively impact your relationship with prospective customers. You will be of no use to your employer and you will be terminated for a psycological condition that was stress induced from your work environment. Voila!

By the way pick three letters to have problems with. Don't randomly stutter.

I apologize in advance if anyone was offended by this. I chose stuttering because it would impact his job performance the most without being physically diagnosable.

[Talk2BigSteve]

Brilliant!

St-St-St-Steve

[cbfair]

p-p-p-pure genius!!!

[SpearsBritney]

beat the snot out of yourself in his office. then you won't have to go to work, but he'll still give you a paycheck.

[Pocket Trips]

[ QUOTE ]
Just a thought. What is the one thing your job requires you to do to be an effective employee? Communicate with prospective clients, right?
Here's my suggestion:
Over the course of the next few weeks you need to develop a stutter. Not all at once, be very selective and cautious about when it surfaces. A stressful confrontation with your boss would be a good time to let one slip. Act surprised, mention to a coworker that you haven't stuttered since childhood. Remember, you have to be convincing, we're talking some real Uta Hagen type sh** here. Practice in odd places, at the store, in the shower etc. You have to know why you stutter. Be a stutterer.
Let it slip a little more, be surprised. Become more shy and withdrawn as a result. Remember this is a process not an overnight thing.
Eventually your stuttering will negatively impact your relationship with prospective customers. You will be of no use to your employer and you will be terminated for a psycological condition that was stress induced from your work environment. Voila!

By the way pick three letters to have problems with. Don't randomly stutter.

I apologize in advance if anyone was offended by this. I chose stuttering because it would impact his job performance the most without being physically diagnosable.

[/ QUOTE ]

you sir are a genius!

[chesspain]

[ QUOTE ]

I don't drive and the area I live in is almost impossible to get around by public transportation...

[/ QUOTE ]

What does this have to do with anything?...other than to suggest that you are likely already dependent upon someone else to help you meet your basic needs, which isn't that surprising, since you sound very immature.

I'm surprised that you aren't more angry at your parents, since they must've had a quite a role in helping you develop into the entitled, helpless member of society that you've become.

[Pocket Trips]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]

I don't drive and the area I live in is almost impossible to get around by public transportation...

[/ QUOTE ]

What does this have to do with anything?...other than to suggest that you are likely already dependent upon someone else to help you meet your basic needs, which isn't that surprising, since you sound very immature.

I'm surprised that you aren't more angry at your parents, since they must've had a quite a role in helping you develop into the entitled, helpless member of society that you've become.

[/ QUOTE ]


Listen you stupid arrogant [censored]!!!!!!!!!!


I don;'t drive because I have a physical handicap which means I am dependent on public transportation so excuse me for god damn existing you fvcking nazi!

I know it would make you much more comfortable if the handicapped were killed at birth but unfortunately for you hitler lost the war so go fvck yourself with a wooden dildo

[Rick Diesel]

get your boss on tape swearing at you. You can then quit, and file for unemployment due to unworkable conditions.

[Bulldog]

You can get an interview with any company worth working for at 7 AM, or 5:30 PM, or even the occasional Saturday.

[djoyce003]

if he's really talking to you this way, tape record it and file suit for workplace harrassment...doesn't have to sexual. They are required to provide a non-threatening work environment, which you most certainly do not have. Then you can take the year off or buy a car with the settlement. Also just read that you are handicapped. Even better, how do you think he would look to a jury when they are listening to a tape of him cussing out an employee who is handicapped....i'm sure you hate to take advantage of that and all, but hey, this dude deserves a serious plunger-raping.

[djoyce003]

[ QUOTE ]
[censored] his dog. [censored] someting. Something must get [censored] here. His desk?

[/ QUOTE ]

HAHAHA. There was a guy I hated at my office. I screwed his secretary on his desk, her ass was on a mousepad that had a picture of his family on it. It was a true kodak moment.

[Sifmole]

[ QUOTE ]
if he's really talking to you this way, tape record it and file suit for workplace harrassment...doesn't have to sexual. They are required to provide a non-threatening work environment, which you most certainly do not have. Then you can take the year off or buy a car with the settlement. Also just read that you are handicapped. Even better, how do you think he would look to a jury when they are listening to a tape of him cussing out an employee who is handicapped....i'm sure you hate to take advantage of that and all, but hey, this dude deserves a serious plunger-raping.

[/ QUOTE ]

This is obviously the correct answer. You shouldn't be looking to get fired, this is cha-ching time baby!

[Random Image]

http://i18.photobucket.com/albums/b141/tiant_gitties/catapult.gif

[Shajen]

[ QUOTE ]
http://i18.photobucket.com/albums/b141/tiant_gitties/catapult.gif

[/ QUOTE ]

that's a great idea. I bet he would get fired if he assaulted the building with a catapult!

Good job, Random.

[Dorez]

[ QUOTE ]
You can get an interview with any company worth working for at 7 AM, or 5:30 PM, or even the occasional Saturday.

[/ QUOTE ]

Finally someone said it. Pure genius.

[Claunchy]

[ QUOTE ]
http://i18.photobucket.com/albums/b141/tiant_gitties/catapult.gif

[/ QUOTE ]
This gimmick account definitely has potential.

[Pocket Trips]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
You can get an interview with any company worth working for at 7 AM, or 5:30 PM, or even the occasional Saturday.

[/ QUOTE ]

Finally someone said it. Pure genius.

[/ QUOTE ]


ok let me get this your thick damn heads.. I don't drive... what limited public transportation there is only runs between 8 am and 5:30 pm... now tell me exactlyt how to avoid missing more time at work and still be able to get back and forth to interviews without spending the damn night at the interview sight?????????

[Pocket Trips]

I never have to look at my fat ass boss in the face again!!!! /images/graemlins/smile.gif

Next week will be my last one at this lousy job before I start a new one the following monday and since he is travelling this week I never have to feel the ground tremble beneath his fatness again!!!!

[daryn]

</font><blockquote><font class="small">In risposta di:</font><hr />
now tell me exactlyt how to avoid missing more time at work and still be able to get back and forth to interviews without spending the damn night at the interview sight?????????

[/ QUOTE ]


start driving.

seriously, you DO sound like an immature douche bag in this thread.

[durron597]

Um, why aren't you quitting? Forgive the noobishness of the question.

[Pocket Trips]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
now tell me exactlyt how to avoid missing more time at work and still be able to get back and forth to interviews without spending the damn night at the interview sight?????????

[/ QUOTE ]


start driving.

seriously, you DO sound like an immature douche bag in this thread.

[/ QUOTE ]

seriously douchebag.. I don't drive because of a handicap.. if you were intelligentr enough to actually read this thread you would already know that... but hey thanks for judging me... btw i am not half the douchebag u looked like on live at the bike.. thsat was u if i remember correctly

[daryn]

</font><blockquote><font class="small">In risposta di:</font><hr />
</font><blockquote><font class="small">In risposta di:</font><hr />
</font><blockquote><font class="small">In risposta di:</font><hr />
now tell me exactlyt how to avoid missing more time at work and still be able to get back and forth to interviews without spending the damn night at the interview sight?????????

[/ QUOTE ]


start driving.

seriously, you DO sound like an immature douche bag in this thread.

[/ QUOTE ]

seriously douchebag.. I don't drive because of a handicap.. if you were intelligentr enough to actually read this thread you would already know that... but hey thanks for judging me... btw i am not half the douchebag u looked like on live at the bike.. thsat was u if i remember correctly

[/ QUOTE ]

uhh.. ok, i "looked like" a douchbag. what's your handicap? mental retardation? yeah that's a tough one. i bet you can't even pronounce it. bye dickhead.