Don't Understand a Girl

[shakingspear]

So I met this girl, and we get along really well. There's a definite connection that we both feel and have talked about. I told her that I'd like to be more than just friends, and she said she doesn't want anything like that because she's only 6 months out of a bad relationship, but she likes hooking up and thinks we should be friends plus the extra stuff. I said I didn't think I could separate my feelings from that. She got mad. Later she said I'm right and that hooking up as friends is a bad idea.

I know she's into me, but is unsure about what she wants. Is there any type of move I can make here? Or am I doomed to just hoping something more could come out of it?

[jakethebake]

You're the biggest dumbass I ever heard of.

[klagett]

[ QUOTE ]
You're the biggest dumbass I ever heard of.

[/ QUOTE ]

[shakingspear]

You have no idea.

[steelcmg]

Just stick it in her pooper and let it be done

[Dominic]

sorry, but you turned her down when she offered sex with no strings?

That's just incredibly pussy-like.

If you really want to start a relationship with her, you have to STOP being her friend. Seriously. Tell her that because you're interested in her romantically, you can't just be her friend - and then back it up. Stop calling her, stop emailing her, etc.

If she really is into you, you'd be surprised how well this will work. If she's not into you, then you haven't lost a thing.

[jakethebake]

[ QUOTE ]
sorry, but you turned her down when she offered sex with no strings?.... If she's not into you, then you haven't lost a thing.

[/ QUOTE ]

...except no-strings fuc[/b]kbuddy sex, which is probably actually the best kind.

[swede123]

[ QUOTE ]
...but she likes hooking up and thinks we should be friends plus the extra stuff. I said I didn't think I could separate my feelings from that.

[/ QUOTE ]

MUAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAH.

Dumbass of the year, no contest.

Swede

[blaze666]

[ QUOTE ]
You're the biggest dumbass I ever heard of.

[/ QUOTE ]

very nice comment jake, your parents would be proud.

[wh1t3bread]

[ QUOTE ]
I said I didn't think I could separate my feelings from that.

[/ QUOTE ]

First of all. I am surprised that you don't understand women because saying something like that makes me think that you are one. I kid. I kid.

Second of all this is a horrible place to ask for girl advice. Most people on this board, like Tyler Durden for example, NEVER get laid and can't give good advice.

Third of all if I were you I would stop all contact with this chick. This will accomplish 1 of 2 things. 1 - she will realize what she is missing out on and she will want to be more than friends. 2 - she won't come running back and you can call up her best friend or her hot younger sister.

[sexypanda]

Being friends with benefits is NEVER bad. You can't have unrealistic expectations. You met a girl, hit it off, became friends, think she's cute, and she expressed interest in hooking up with you. What's wrong? Take each moment and each relationship for what it is, and enjoy things and people for what they are. If it turns into a relationship further down the road, then great. If not, great.

[jakethebake]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
You're the biggest dumbass I ever heard of.

[/ QUOTE ]

very nice comment jake, your parents would be proud.

[/ QUOTE ]

It wasn't nice but I stand by the accuracy of the comment.

[OtisTheMarsupial]

[ QUOTE ]
If you really want to start a relationship with her, you have to STOP being her friend. Seriously. Tell her that because you're interested in her romantically, you can't just be her friend - and then back it up. Stop calling her, stop emailing her, etc.

If she really is into you, you'd be surprised how well this will work. If she's not into you, then you haven't lost a thing.

[/ QUOTE ]

This is true.

[Dominic]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
sorry, but you turned her down when she offered sex with no strings?.... If she's not into you, then you haven't lost a thing.

[/ QUOTE ]

...except no-strings fuc[/b]kbuddy sex, which is probably actually the best kind.

[/ QUOTE ]

Yeah, but he already turned that down - the moron. So I figured it was now off the table.

[sexypanda]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
If you really want to start a relationship with her, you have to STOP being her friend. Seriously. Tell her that because you're interested in her romantically, you can't just be her friend - and then back it up. Stop calling her, stop emailing her, etc.

If she really is into you, you'd be surprised how well this will work. If she's not into you, then you haven't lost a thing.

[/ QUOTE ]

This is true.

[/ QUOTE ]

The way you played it, I think this is the best advice for you.

[wh1t3bread]

[ QUOTE ]


Yeah, but he already turned that down - the moron. So I figured it was now off the table.

[/ QUOTE ]

I agree.

[swede123]

Well, I wouldn't go so far as calling it off the table. The girl's first comments clearly show that she's a bit of a slut. I'm sure with the proper motivation (a few Margeritas) the guy can get past the initial stumbling block and make his move. Assuming he'll lift his skirt up and stop being such a damn pussy first, of course.

Swede

[jakethebake]

I'm going a different direction than the rest of these guys. Go out with her as friends. Have a few drinks. Go back to your place. Have a few more drinks. Have a few laughs. Slap her on the ass. At that point, if you've already been having great sex, she'll forget all about the no sex part. After you have sex again, you can tell her how wrong you were.

[chaas4747]

I think you should post her cell number. Most guys on this board will know what to do if this situation was presented to them, and will be glad to help her for no fee.

[jakethebake]

[ QUOTE ]
Most guys on this board will know what to do if this situation was presented to them...

[/ QUOTE ]

You really think so?

[Gamblor]

[ QUOTE ]
So I met this girl, and we get along really well. There's a definite connection that we both feel and have talked about. I told her that I'd like to be more than just friends, and she said she doesn't want anything like that because she's only 6 months out of a bad relationship, but she likes hooking up and thinks we should be friends plus the extra stuff. I said I didn't think I could separate my feelings from that. She got mad. Later she said I'm right and that hooking up as friends is a bad idea.

I know she's into me, but is unsure about what she wants. Is there any type of move I can make here? Or am I doomed to just hoping something more could come out of it?

[/ QUOTE ]

if you'd have shut up and not been a little puss she'd have eventually changed her mind.

now you're toast.

think about this: you're already friends, you're already able to get the benefits, so what else do you want? a "relationship"? Isn't that already a "relationship"?

[Stuey]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
sorry, but you turned her down when she offered sex with no strings?.... If she's not into you, then you haven't lost a thing.

[/ QUOTE ]

...except no-strings fuc[/b]kbuddy sex, which is probably actually the best kind.

[/ QUOTE ]

I have found this to be a trick everytime. The girl will fall in love with you as soon as you start banging her. If you do it right.

There is no such thing as no-strings fuc[/b]kbuddy sex. Unless you don't kiss them, then maybe it works. But try getting away with that. Seriously sneak a kiss in on a hooker and you are getting your money back, if she does not need it for drugs that is. /images/graemlins/blush.gif /images/graemlins/tongue.gif /images/graemlins/laugh.gif

[chaas4747]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
Most guys on this board will know what to do if this situation was presented to them...

[/ QUOTE ]

You really think so?

[/ QUOTE ]

You are right sub "a couple of " for "most"!

[McGahee]

This reminds me of that time I won the lottery. It was tempting to accept my prize, but since I hate paying taxes I turned it down.

[Gamblor]

The girl will fall in love with you as soon as you start banging her. If you do it right.

with the exception of the first, i've never had a girlfriend who wanted a relationship before we'd had sex, only after...

good point. epiphany here.

[Alobar]

Don't listen to all the chest thumping wannabes in this thread. Most of them think a no strings sex partner is the best thing in the world, simply because none of them are getting laid, or because they are chained down in a relationship they dont have the balls to get out of, and long for freedom.

This obviously isnt something you can do with this particular girl because you ahve feelings for her. There is nothing wrong with admitting that, and its admirable you can take that stance. Lots of guys would just run their emotional well being into the ground, simply for the sex and because their dumb buddies would make jokes about how stupid they are for turning down commitment free sex.

As for the girl, you are prolly fooked. Sounds like shes got issues, and is still hurting over her last relationship, so it doesnt look good for you. If you value her friendship and want to keep her as a friend and can get over your feelings for her, then hardline the no sex no touchy policy and stay friends. If being her friend would be to hard because of your feelings, then tell her its something you cant do, and then drop contact with her unless she wants a relationship. However be warned that if she does turn around, it will still come with lots of problems, since shes in a difficult place emotionally.

[utmt40]

What he is saying is that he wouldn't mine "banging" this chick. Its the fact that he has some kind of feelings for this girl. He doesn't want just sex, he wants more. He feels that if he starts "banging" her then he'll ruin it anyway if that is all she is really wanting to begin with. He'll fall helplessly in love with this girl and be ruined. Even if you guys believe it or not he prolly did the best thing for himself to save him heart ache later.

[jakethebake]

I can't figure you at all. One thread it's put it in the pig's pooper. The next you get all touchy feely. Or are you just trolling half the time? /images/graemlins/grin.gif

Anyway, I stand by my previous advice to the op.

[ QUOTE ]
Don't listen to all the chest thumping wannabes in this thread. Most of them think a no strings sex partner is the best thing in the world, simply because none of them are getting laid, or because they are chained down in a relationship they dont have the balls to get out of, and long for freedom.

This obviously isnt something you can do with this particular girl because you ahve feelings for her. There is nothing wrong with admitting that, and its admirable you can take that stance. Lots of guys would just run their emotional well being into the ground, simply for the sex and because their dumb buddies would make jokes about how stupid they are for turning down commitment free sex.

As for the girl, you are prolly fooked. Sounds like shes got issues, and is still hurting over her last relationship, so it doesnt look good for you. If you value her friendship and want to keep her as a friend and can get over your feelings for her, then hardline the no sex no touchy policy and stay friends. If being her friend would be to hard because of your feelings, then tell her its something you cant do, and then drop contact with her unless she wants a relationship. However be warned that if she does turn around, it will still come with lots of problems, since shes in a difficult place emotionally.

[/ QUOTE ]

[IndieMatty]

I agree with every word you said in this so much. I refuse to just hit quote. Excellent advice.

[Alobar]

I'm an enigma /images/graemlins/tongue.gif

seriously tho, when have I ever said to put it someones pooper?

[swede123]

[ QUOTE ]
I'm an enigma /images/graemlins/tongue.gif

seriously tho, I wanna put it in your pooper, Jake.

[/ QUOTE ]

Fixed it.

[Soul Daddy]

Fantastic post.

[Alobar]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
I'm an enigma /images/graemlins/tongue.gif

seriously tho, I wanna put it in your pooper, Jake.

[/ QUOTE ]

Fixed it.

[/ QUOTE ]

only if he doesnt want a commitment

[DBowling]

ill go ahead and dissent.

if thats how you feel, good for you. if what you wanted was no strings sex, you would have taken it. an ex-gf of mine wanted no strings sex shortly after our breakup. I was still stinging from the breakup, so i chose not to. It would have been too hard emotionaly.

[sexypanda]

[ QUOTE ]
Don't listen to all the chest thumping wannabes in this thread. Most of them think a no strings sex partner is the best thing in the world, simply because none of them are getting laid, or because they are chained down in a relationship they dont have the balls to get out of, and long for freedom.

This obviously isnt something you can do with this particular girl because you ahve feelings for her. There is nothing wrong with admitting that, and its admirable you can take that stance. Lots of guys would just run their emotional well being into the ground, simply for the sex and because their dumb buddies would make jokes about how stupid they are for turning down commitment free sex.

As for the girl, you are prolly fooked. Sounds like shes got issues, and is still hurting over her last relationship, so it doesnt look good for you. If you value her friendship and want to keep her as a friend and can get over your feelings for her, then hardline the no sex no touchy policy and stay friends. If being her friend would be to hard because of your feelings, then tell her its something you cant do, and then drop contact with her unless she wants a relationship. However be warned that if she does turn around, it will still come with lots of problems, since shes in a difficult place emotionally.

[/ QUOTE ]

I think I'm going to have to disagree with this. It appears as though he just met this girl and got along with her well. She said she got out of a bad relationship 6 months ago but enjoys his company and was down to hook up with him. Because she was getting out of a relationship though, she didn't want to jump right back into something serious. That seems acceptable.

So they got along well and there was chemistry, the only problem was that he was putting too much pressure on the "relationship" aspect. I think if he'd backed off and played it much more casual, kind of saying, "I enjoy you, we're having fun, lets play this by ear". I don't think he would have had any issues, and if a few months down the road things were still going well, then guess what? He just found himself in a relationship.

Girls aren't attracted to the guys who want to marry them as soon as they meet. They like the guys who are more aloof, and more casual about situations like this. At least that's my experience.

[jakethebake]

[ QUOTE ]
I'm an enigma /images/graemlins/tongue.gif

seriously tho, when have I ever said to put it someones pooper?

[/ QUOTE ]

That was just a figure of speech. You probably put it differently, but you've said the equivalent.

[Stuey]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
sorry, but you turned her down when she offered sex with no strings?.... If she's not into you, then you haven't lost a thing.

[/ QUOTE ]

...except no-strings fuc[/b]kbuddy sex, which is probably actually the best kind.

[/ QUOTE ]

I have found this to be a trick everytime. The girl will fall in love with you as soon as you start banging her. If you do it right.

There is no such thing as no-strings fuc[/b]kbuddy sex. Unless you don't kiss them, then maybe it works. But try getting away with that. Seriously sneak a kiss in on a hooker and you are getting your money back, if she does not need it for drugs that is. /images/graemlins/blush.gif /images/graemlins/tongue.gif /images/graemlins/laugh.gif

[/ QUOTE ]

I am disappointed this went unnoticed by everyone so I have to point it out. Tell this to every guy you think frequents hookers. If one guy starts kissing them it is more than worth it. roflmao I don't have to tell you why do I?

[DMBFan23]

She doesnt want to date you for whatever other reason (6 months is a long time to be getting over a non-marraige relationship), but you shouldnt care because she wants to [censored] you with no strings attached. seriously, how did you botch this one?

[jakethebake]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
sorry, but you turned her down when she offered sex with no strings?.... If she's not into you, then you haven't lost a thing.

[/ QUOTE ]

...except no-strings fuc[/b]kbuddy sex, which is probably actually the best kind.

[/ QUOTE ]

I have found this to be a trick everytime. The girl will fall in love with you as soon as you start banging her. If you do it right.

There is no such thing as no-strings fuc[/b]kbuddy sex. Unless you don't kiss them, then maybe it works. But try getting away with that. Seriously sneak a kiss in on a hooker and you are getting your money back, if she does not need it for drugs that is. /images/graemlins/blush.gif /images/graemlins/tongue.gif /images/graemlins/laugh.gif

[/ QUOTE ]

I am disappointed this went unnoticed by everyone so I have to point it out. Tell this to every guy you think frequents hookers. If one guy starts kissing them it is more than worth it. roflmao I don't have to tell you why do I?

[/ QUOTE ]

It didn't go unnoticed. and calling attention to your own attempts at humor is lame.

[McGahee]

[ QUOTE ]

So they got along well and there was chemistry, the only problem was that he was putting too much pressure on the "relationship" aspect. I think if he'd backed off and played it much more casual, kind of saying, "I enjoy you, we're having fun, lets play this by ear". I don't think he would have had any issues, and if a few months down the road things were still going well, then guess what? He just found himself in a relationship.
Girls aren't attracted to the guys who want to marry them as soon as they meet. They like the guys who are more aloof, and more casual about situations like this.


[/ QUOTE ]

I would agree with that. Girls are emotional and they like relationships - it's as simple as that. The feminist movement and shows like 'Sex & the City' has convinced some that they can 'play' guys and 'use them for sex', but most of the time they're just putting on a charade; and it will only last for a month or so. Eventually their true feelings will emerge and they will either ditch you altogether & find somebody else if they don't like you, or develop feelings and eventually want something more if she does like you. Play it cool for a month and see what happens.

[Stuey]

[ QUOTE ]
It didn't go unnoticed. and calling attention to your own attempts at humor is lame.

[/ QUOTE ]

That hurt, nh.

[asofel]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
I said I didn't think I could separate my feelings from that.

[/ QUOTE ]

First of all. I am surprised that you don't understand women because saying something like that makes me think that you are one. I kid. I kid.

Second of all this is a horrible place to ask for girl advice. Most people on this board, like Tyler Durden for example, NEVER get laid and can't give good advice.

Third of all if I were you I would stop all contact with this chick. This will accomplish 1 of 2 things. 1 - she will realize what she is missing out on and she will want to be more than friends. 2 - she won't come running back and you can call up her best friend or her hot younger sister.

[/ QUOTE ]

I'm not sure where you get your info from dude, but last time I saw Tyler Durden in action, he definitely was getting some phone numbers. I didn't think the guys were all that hot, but he just said something like "you know what they say about biker boys..."

[Gamblor]

He doesn't want just sex, he wants more

in my experience, people who want more are basically little children who want someone there to make them feel good, to remind them that they exist.

basically, a girl.

im always attracted to the girl that couldn't give a [censored] if i ever spoke to her again.

[DMBFan23]

you certainly raise interesting points. however, from my experience I must disagree. I have had two very good female friends for whom I developed feelings in the past, and though I would have ranked relationship above just sex with both of them, I would have ranked just sex above nothing. I would have taken a shot at the relationship just as OP did, but once she said she just wants to bone, I would wax that.

[swolfe]

[ QUOTE ]
You're the biggest dumbass I ever heard of.

[/ QUOTE ]

[jakethebake]

[ QUOTE ]
you certainly raise interesting points. however, from my experience I must disagree. I have had two very good female friends for whom I developed feelings in the past, and though I would have ranked relationship above just sex with both of them, I would have ranked just sex above nothing. I would have taken a shot at the relationship just as OP did, but once she said she just wants to bone, I would wax that.

[/ QUOTE ]

I didn't think they were just screwing. It sounded to me like they were pretty good friends that were also fuc[/b]kbiddies. This can be very fun. There are lots of fun things you can do with friends that you can't or won't with a "girlfriend".

[Shajen]

yeah, like date other women, and use your [censored]-buddy as a fall-back.

In my experience, if you have a [censored] buddy, you don't give off that "desperate" vibe to other women, therefore making yourself more desirable.

Its win win.

[Soul Daddy]

[ QUOTE ]
This can be very fun. There are lots of fun things you can do with friends that you can't or won't with a "girlfriend".

[/ QUOTE ]
Sure, it can be fun. It can also be torturous if the two of you aren't on the same page, which these two are clearly not at this point. There are always more girls to screw.

[wh1t3bread]

[ QUOTE ]

I'm not sure where you get your info from dude, but last time I saw Tyler Durden in action, he definitely was getting some phone numbers. I didn't think the guys were all that hot, but he just said something like "you know what they say about biker boys..."

[/ QUOTE ]

Getting dude's phone numbers it totally different than getting laid. But your post reminds me of the one time that TD got laid in the past 18 months.

Remember when he picked up that dude at the bar by telling him that he was an internet poker pro? Then the next day TD found out that "Ace" (or was it "Gary") stole his credit card information?

[Alobar]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
This can be very fun. There are lots of fun things you can do with friends that you can't or won't with a "girlfriend".

[/ QUOTE ]
Sure, it can be fun. It can also be torturous if the two of you aren't on the same page, which these two are clearly not at this point. There are always more girls to screw.

[/ QUOTE ]

exactly.

[asofel]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]

I'm not sure where you get your info from dude, but last time I saw Tyler Durden in action, he definitely was getting some phone numbers. I didn't think the guys were all that hot, but he just said something like "you know what they say about biker boys..."

[/ QUOTE ]

Getting dude's phone numbers it totally different than getting laid. But your post reminds me of the one time that TD got laid in the past 18 months.

Remember when he picked up that dude at the bar by telling him that he was an internet poker pro? Then the next day TD found out that "Ace" (or was it "Gary") stole his credit card information?

[/ QUOTE ]

Yeah, I think that's a pretty cheap way of getting a guys attention though. He easily could have complimented his form or the way the guy handled his stick (in pool), but he resorted to the "if you only knew the size of my...bankroll" line. Maybe he thought the guy was tight and passive?

[RicktheRuler]

[ QUOTE ]
The girl's first comments clearly show that she's a bit of a slut.

[/ QUOTE ]

What are you in high school. The chick doesn't want a boyfriend. She just wants a guy she can hang out with and screw with out feeling guilty. That said, this guy is a HUUUUUUUUUGE COWARD.

[Blarg]

[ QUOTE ]
Being friends with benefits is NEVER bad. You can't have unrealistic expectations. You met a girl, hit it off, became friends, think she's cute, and she expressed interest in hooking up with you. What's wrong? Take each moment and each relationship for what it is, and enjoy things and people for what they are. If it turns into a relationship further down the road, then great. If not, great.

[/ QUOTE ]

Sexypanda has wisdom.

To the OP, you sound like the mirror image of the type of girl who wants you to fall in love with her before sex could even be considered. You're asking way too much, all up front, before you have any reason to believe you even have enough in common for the journey, much less arriving at some probably overhyped destination.

The main thing is that you find each other attractive and cool to be around. If there's a little bit of "compelling" in there, all the better. But basically, you're all set up for seeing if you guys love each other or whatever somewhere down the line. That's something you discover, unless it's puppy love, which it sounds like what you're used to or thinking in terms of -- some sort of overwhelming instant BANG of perfection, or sex + perfection, if that could be separated out. That's not real love, though, that's just fantasy. And while fantasy can develop into real love, you don't want to throw away your chance at real love just so you can pursue fantasy instead.

Do you get what I mean? Don't look a gift horse in the mouth. If you don't like her enough to sleep with her, there may be something "wrong" with her, for you. But being that you're a guy and she's attractive to you, it sounds like there's something wrong with you, probably most of it being simply inexperience and naivete.

You're obviously young. See what the relationship is, and how it develops, and have some fun. Work from there. Not from some outside conception or set of wishes that you're trying to impose on it from the outside, like trying to fit your square peg into her round hole, if you'll forgive me there.

Relationships have their own organic kind of thing going -- a natural pacing that's different for every one. If you go from one to the next trying to impose your rigid ideas on each instead of letting them develop naturally, you're going to be frustrated time and again and women are going to wonder what the heck is going on.

And you're going to lose out on a lot of happiness and fun, and good companionship. That's the kind of thing you look back on with big regret later in life.

Give yourself a break, and women a break too. Let the both of you have some fun, and if things are meant to develop into something bigger and better, then see if you can help them just take their natural course, and don't stand in their way. Like a blockhead. And if things are only meant to go to a certain level, enjoy that too, without regret that they are what they are, and not what you imagine. A big part of the art of life is just being real about things and taking them for what they are, and still enjoying them without childish resentment that they aren't something else.

Be nice to yourself that way, and to her that way, too. You're both just what you are, so be man enough to enjoy that and support and encourage her enjoyment of it too. If you can't do that for her, she deserves better, and you need to be better to yourself, too. Give both of you a fair chance before you start to make rulings and pronouncing sentences.

[swede123]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
The girl's first comments clearly show that she's a bit of a slut.

[/ QUOTE ]

What are you in high school. The chick doesn't want a boyfriend. She just wants a guy she can hang out with and screw with out feeling guilty. That said, this guy is a HUUUUUUUUUGE COWARD.

[/ QUOTE ]

I guess I don't get what you mean by the high school comment. Me calling her a bit of a slut wasn't a bad thing in this context. I was just implying that maybe there would be a chance to salvage the situation given that the chick in question had displayed promiscuous tendencies. I do agree with your assessment of the original poster though.

Swede

[Blarg]

[ QUOTE ]
ill go ahead and dissent.

if thats how you feel, good for you. if what you wanted was no strings sex, you would have taken it. an ex-gf of mine wanted no strings sex shortly after our breakup. I was still stinging from the breakup, so i chose not to. It would have been too hard emotionaly.

[/ QUOTE ]

Nothing wrong with what you're saying, but that's a situation that couldn't be more different from the one this guy is in, though. It's pretty much the opposite. Your breaking up vs his getting together, your established bonds vs. his just starting to establish them.

[Patrick del Poker Grande]

[ QUOTE ]
she likes hooking up and thinks we should be friends plus the extra stuff. I said I didn't think I could separate my feelings from that.

[/ QUOTE ]
Wait... you're a lesbian?

[wacki]

[ QUOTE ]
I can't figure you at all. One thread it's put it in the pig's pooper. The next you get all touchy feely. Or are you just trolling half the time? /images/graemlins/grin.gif

[/ QUOTE ]

That's because Alobar has spent a lot of time living with female roommates secreting estrogen, which is now causing him to turn into a woman.

[Alobar]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
I can't figure you at all. One thread it's put it in the pig's pooper. The next you get all touchy feely. Or are you just trolling half the time? /images/graemlins/grin.gif

[/ QUOTE ]

That's because Alobar has spent a lot of time living with female roommates secreting estrogen, which is now causing him to turn into a woman.

[/ QUOTE ]

lies, all lies. I do not have vaginitis!! Altho I do have a deep appreciation for Ben and Jerrys....which is prolly the same thing /images/graemlins/confused.gif

[Blarg]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
Don't listen to all the chest thumping wannabes in this thread. Most of them think a no strings sex partner is the best thing in the world, simply because none of them are getting laid, or because they are chained down in a relationship they dont have the balls to get out of, and long for freedom.

This obviously isnt something you can do with this particular girl because you ahve feelings for her. There is nothing wrong with admitting that, and its admirable you can take that stance. Lots of guys would just run their emotional well being into the ground, simply for the sex and because their dumb buddies would make jokes about how stupid they are for turning down commitment free sex.

As for the girl, you are prolly fooked. Sounds like shes got issues, and is still hurting over her last relationship, so it doesnt look good for you. If you value her friendship and want to keep her as a friend and can get over your feelings for her, then hardline the no sex no touchy policy and stay friends. If being her friend would be to hard because of your feelings, then tell her its something you cant do, and then drop contact with her unless she wants a relationship. However be warned that if she does turn around, it will still come with lots of problems, since shes in a difficult place emotionally.

[/ QUOTE ]

I think I'm going to have to disagree with this. It appears as though he just met this girl and got along with her well. She said she got out of a bad relationship 6 months ago but enjoys his company and was down to hook up with him. Because she was getting out of a relationship though, she didn't want to jump right back into something serious. That seems acceptable.

So they got along well and there was chemistry, the only problem was that he was putting too much pressure on the "relationship" aspect. I think if he'd backed off and played it much more casual, kind of saying, "I enjoy you, we're having fun, lets play this by ear". I don't think he would have had any issues, and if a few months down the road things were still going well, then guess what? He just found himself in a relationship.

Girls aren't attracted to the guys who want to marry them as soon as they meet. They like the guys who are more aloof, and more casual about situations like this. At least that's my experience.

[/ QUOTE ]

Agreed again.

[swede123]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
I can't figure you at all. One thread it's put it in the pig's pooper. The next you get all touchy feely. Or are you just trolling half the time? /images/graemlins/grin.gif

[/ QUOTE ]

That's because Alobar has spent a lot of time living with female roommates secreting estrogen, which is now causing him to turn into a woman.

[/ QUOTE ]

lies, all lies. I do not have vaginitis!! Altho I do have a deep appreciation for Ben and Jerrys....which is prolly the same thing /images/graemlins/confused.gif

[/ QUOTE ]

No way man! Enjoying Ben and Jerrys means you have good taste in Ice Cream, nothing more. Now, if you snarf three pints of Cherry Garcia because one of your buddies told you you were fat it's a different story.

Swede

[Blarg]

[ QUOTE ]
He doesn't want just sex, he wants more

in my experience, people who want more are basically little children who want someone there to make them feel good, to remind them that they exist.

basically, a girl.

im always attracted to the girl that couldn't give a [censored] if i ever spoke to her again.

[/ QUOTE ]

Those are pretty human desires. I don't think you're ahead of the curve here.

[durron597]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
You're the biggest dumbass I ever heard of.

[/ QUOTE ]

[/ QUOTE ]

[Reef]

[ QUOTE ]
I said I didn't think I could separate my feelings from that. She got mad.

[/ QUOTE ]

you sound like a chick

[pheasant tail (no 18)]

When a woman on the rebound says

[ QUOTE ]
I told her that I'd like to be more than just friends, and she said she doesn't want anything like that because she's only 6 months out of a bad relationship

[/ QUOTE ]

She is usually ripe to fall for someone new. When she adds...

[ QUOTE ]
but she likes hooking up and thinks we should be friends plus the extra stuff.

[/ QUOTE ]

She is always ripe.

When a guy says...

[ QUOTE ]
I didn't think I could separate my feelings from that.

[/ QUOTE ]

...I'm not as sure. I'm not positive it has ever been said except by a sadistic f$%$k who knew exactly what he was doing and certainly didn't need to post for advice on a poker forum.

For Christ sakes, tell her that you have seperated your feelings. Please.

[Mike Cuneo]

I'm all in.

[BigBaitsim (milo)]

[ QUOTE ]
So I met this girl, and we get along really well. There's a definite connection that we both feel and have talked about. I told her that I'd like to be more than just friends, and she said she doesn't want anything like that because she's only 6 months out of a bad relationship, but she likes hooking up and thinks we should be friends plus the extra stuff. I said I didn't think I could separate my feelings from that. She got mad. Later she said I'm right and that hooking up as friends is a bad idea.

I know she's into me, but is unsure about what she wants. Is there any type of move I can make here? Or am I doomed to just hoping something more could come out of it?

[/ QUOTE ]

Gotta say, I think you misplayed every street.

[James Boston]

[ QUOTE ]
she likes hooking up and thinks we should be friends plus the extra stuff. I said I didn't think I could separate my feelings from that

[/ QUOTE ]

You just folded AA out of the SB in a multi-way, unraised pot.

[The Dude]

I don't agree with the masses here. I think you did well here. I don't have anything against people who want no-strings sex, but I'm not one of them. If you were pretty sure that, after sex, you would be emotionally attached enough to get hurt, turning down sex is the best option.

I don't have any advice on what to do next, I think you'll just have to play it by ear and use your best judgement, but I'm a little disappointed everybody thinks you're dumb for turning down no-strings sex, or for "wanting more," or anything else different than what they themselves are looking for.

[James Boston]

You're being very un-dude here.

[jakethebake]

[ QUOTE ]
I don't agree with the masses here. I think you did well here. I don't have anything against people who want no-strings sex, but I'm not one of them. If you were pretty sure that, after sex, you would be emotionally attached enough to get hurt, turning down sex is the best option.

I don't have any advice on what to do next, I think you'll just have to play it by ear and use your best judgement, but I'm a little disappointed everybody thinks you're dumb for turning down no-strings sex, or for "wanting more," or anything else different than what they themselves are looking for.

[/ QUOTE ]

Booooooooo

[The Dude]

"She's not my special lady, man. I'm just helping her conceive."

[jakethebake]

[ QUOTE ]
You're being very un-dude here.

[/ QUOTE ]

This observation is spot on.

[James Boston]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
You're being very un-dude here.

[/ QUOTE ]

This observation is spot on.

[/ QUOTE ]

I say it's coitus time.

[Blarg]

I think people are saying adjusting himself to the situation is better than being rigid and insisting situations have to conform perfectly with his expectations.

Sure, a lot of them are saying just goofy macho stuff without a second thought, but there actually is a certain hidden wisdom in some of it. If you go through life always looking for perfect situations or ones that don't challenge you or force you to be flexible or think differently, you're not going to experience much or get much done, and you're not going to be very interesting to be around. Maybe having a good relationship has a lot to do with your ability to adapt and see if things work out, rather than demanding everything be perfect right up front. How are you going to have a good relationship with someone you can't even adapt to in the first place?

Which can always be used as an argument not to have that relationship.

But how many good things in life do you really want to turn down, and how much of that kind of thing do you really want to turn into the pattern of who you are and what you can handle?

If he didn't like her, it would be one thing, but he says he does. I dunno, but I think it's bad karma or something to count yourself out of what you really want, and to count her out of it, too. It's just taking something good that comes from both of you and turning into two negatives. Turning the good into the bad like that is a talent you don't want to be nourishing and developing. You're lucky when life throws any good your way in the first place.

[CardSharpCook]

[ QUOTE ]
I don't agree with the masses here. I think you did well here. I don't have anything against people who want no-strings sex, but I'm not one of them. If you were pretty sure that, after sex, you would be emotionally attached enough to get hurt, turning down sex is the best option.

I don't have any advice on what to do next, I think you'll just have to play it by ear and use your best judgement, but I'm a little disappointed everybody thinks you're dumb for turning down no-strings sex, or for "wanting more," or anything else different than what they themselves are looking for.

[/ QUOTE ]

I'm glad someone else feels this way. I really don't get this "[censored]-buddy" phenomena. I mean, I understand wanting to have sex with a stranger. (not something I go for, but I "get it") But how do you mix friendship and sex???? IMHO, the only way to do that is in a serious relationship, otherwise you are just deceiving yourself when you claim to be her friend. That is, if you really care for her and love her as a friend should, you wouldn't want to have her as a "[censored]-buddy" because surely you know that this is (self)destructive behavior.

I think that you are doing well so far, but, like the Dude, I have no advice to offer. These things need to be played by ear. Be aware that it might not be meant to be, and remember that you are firstly her friend.

CSC

[jakethebake]

[ QUOTE ]
I really don't get this "[censored]-buddy" phenomena. But how do you mix friendship and sex???? IMHO, the only way to do that is in a serious relationship, otherwise you are just deceiving yourself when you claim to be her friend. That is, if you really care for her and love her as a friend should, you wouldn't want to have her as a "[censored]-buddy" because surely you know that this is (self)destructive behavior.

[/ QUOTE ]

I don't understand what you don't understand. There's nothing self-destructive for either of you. It's a great symbiotic relationship. You both have a great friend, and have great sex. There's respect there. Some of the best relationships I've ever had with women have been as fuckbuddies.

[wacki]

I agree with Blarg. Seriously kid, I've cut myself out of situations like this and I regret doing it every time. If she was abusing you that is one thing, but she's not. I don't know how to give you advice on making the romantic feelings get easier. Maybe force yourself to date other people while screwing her. Hell if other women knew your situation they might be more inclined to take you out.<--- depends on woman.

Good luck, but if you cut yourself off I can't help but think you are going to regret it in a few years. Good luck dealing with the pain though. I don't envy you with that one. Seriously I think the best deal is to bang this chick, treat her nicely, and still date other people. Just don't put your current chick above any girl you date. You are playing second string so keep her at the same level.

[B00T]

OMG!!!

How funny was that line about kissing a hooker!?!? How could it of gone unnoticed?

[jakethebake]

[ QUOTE ]
OMG!!!

How funny was that line about kissing a hooker!?!? How could it of gone unnoticed?

[/ QUOTE ]

You've made stuey very happy.

[Alobar]

Its not about looking for a perfect situation. Its about emotional investment. Him banging some chick hes going to fall for, and having her just want him for the sex, is not going to be good for his emotional well being. It's as simple as that.

Sure it's easy to say "well just be cool and see how it goes", but that doesnt mean its possible for him in this particular situation. I've got alot of experience on both sides of this situation, and have more female friends than is prolly healthy, who have all done similiar things. Without fail, if one of the 2 people involved in the "no strings sex" has an emotional attachment to the other person, it never ends well, and someone spends alot of time being tortured.

How do you think hes going to feel when they have sex and for him its about intamacy and sharing himself with someone he cares about, and for her its none of those things. And while he is busy falling for her, shes going out with other guys, going to parties and going home with other people. How well do you think hes going to respect himself when he knows all this, yet still ends up in her bed because he longs to be close to her and pretends he has some chance of her ever feeling the same way. Being self aware enough to admit to yourself this is where you will end up (even if thats not where most other people would end up) and then taking the appropriate steps to not end up there, before its to late, is a good thing. And it sounds like thats what the OP has done.

[jakethebake]

I just don't understand why you people let your feelings just run willy nilly all over the place, controlling you to the extent you do. If you don't want to fall for her, just don't. /images/graemlins/confused.gif

[Alobar]

[ QUOTE ]
If you don't want to fall for her, just don't. /images/graemlins/confused.gif

[/ QUOTE ]

If you could control who you fall for, love wouldnt be nearly the intoxicating thing that it is.

[jakethebake]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
If you don't want to fall for her, just don't. /images/graemlins/confused.gif

[/ QUOTE ]
If you could control who you fall for, love wouldnt be nearly the intoxicating thing that it is.

[/ QUOTE ]

I disagree. It makes it all the more so because you don't fall for people that will end up hurting you. I know your idea is the consensus, but I just don't get it.

[CardSharpCook]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
If you don't want to fall for her, just don't. /images/graemlins/confused.gif

[/ QUOTE ]
If you could control who you fall for, love wouldnt be nearly the intoxicating thing that it is.

[/ QUOTE ]

I disagree. It makes it all the more so because you don't fall for people that will end up hurting you. I know your idea is the consensus, but I just don't get it.

[/ QUOTE ]

You've never been in love...

Wait, aren't you married? Poor woman.

[jakethebake]

[ QUOTE ]
You've never been in love...

Wait, aren't you married? Poor woman.

[/ QUOTE ]

She's a poor woman because I don't run around acting like a teenage girl?

[wacki]

[ QUOTE ]
Without fail, if one of the 2 people involved in the "no strings sex" has an emotional attachment to the other person, it never ends well, and someone spends alot of time being tortured.

[/ QUOTE ]

[censored].....

I'm on the fence about this now.

Still I've been in those situations and I've been tortured.
I'm glad I felt that way and it was a good learning experience but ya it was hell. I don't know anymore.

I guess all I can say is if he starts to feel like a doormat, degraded, or he's in too much pain then he has to give the ultimatum and cut off all connections. But I would hold out till then.

Still a lot of these torture scenerios tend to happen with people that sit idly by and don't force themselves to go out with anyone else. If you do that you are screwed. If he dates other people he has a chance of surviving.

Dunno. I think it's time for me to back out of this conversation.

[wacki]

[ QUOTE ]
I just don't understand why you people let your feelings just run willy nilly all over the place, controlling you to the extent you do. If you don't want to fall for her, just don't. /images/graemlins/confused.gif

[/ QUOTE ]

Jake, I like you but damn this was a stupid comment.

[jakethebake]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
I just don't understand why you people let your feelings just run willy nilly all over the place, controlling you to the extent you do. If you don't want to fall for her, just don't. /images/graemlins/confused.gif

[/ QUOTE ]

Jake, I like you but damn this was a stupid comment.

[/ QUOTE ]

It works for me. I haven't let my emotions run goofy since I was a teenager. I'm just careful. It's not that I love any less. I'm just pickier about where I place my emotions. The point is that I could be fuckbuddies with this girl and not let myself "fall" for her. It's just emotional discipline. I know you have it because you employ everytime you play poker. If you can't do that, than the suggested course proposed by others of just avoiding her altogether might be best.

[Cumulonimbus]

[ QUOTE ]
So I met this girl, and we get along really well. There's a definite connection that we both feel and have talked about. I told her that I'd like to be more than just friends, and she said she doesn't want anything like that because she's only 6 months out of a bad relationship, but she likes hooking up and thinks we should be friends plus the extra stuff. I said I didn't think I could separate my feelings from that. She got mad. Later she said I'm right and that hooking up as friends is a bad idea.

I know she's into me, but is unsure about what she wants. Is there any type of move I can make here? Or am I doomed to just hoping something more could come out of it?

[/ QUOTE ]

Dude, ya gotta want it.

[Blarg]

[ QUOTE ]
Its not about looking for a perfect situation. Its about emotional investment. Him banging some chick hes going to fall for, and having her just want him for the sex, is not going to be good for his emotional well being. It's as simple as that.

Sure it's easy to say "well just be cool and see how it goes", but that doesnt mean its possible for him in this particular situation. I've got alot of experience on both sides of this situation, and have more female friends than is prolly healthy, who have all done similiar things. Without fail, if one of the 2 people involved in the "no strings sex" has an emotional attachment to the other person, it never ends well, and someone spends alot of time being tortured.

How do you think hes going to feel when they have sex and for him its about intamacy and sharing himself with someone he cares about, and for her its none of those things. And while he is busy falling for her, shes going out with other guys, going to parties and going home with other people. How well do you think hes going to respect himself when he knows all this, yet still ends up in her bed because he longs to be close to her and pretends he has some chance of her ever feeling the same way. Being self aware enough to admit to yourself this is where you will end up (even if thats not where most other people would end up) and then taking the appropriate steps to not end up there, before its to late, is a good thing. And it sounds like thats what the OP has done.

[/ QUOTE ]

Honestly, I think both he and you are positing him as both extremely emotionally fragile and very unlikely to be able to develop beyond it or handle himself. That's probably partially true at best, and at any rate it's not ideal or something that should be preserved or not worked past.

We're all emotionally fragile to some extent, even us internet tough guys in OOT, but we've probably all had to grow emotionally, too, which includes being a little tougher and more relaxed at the same time, and more open-minded.

There's a male version of the typical girly dream of waiting for love to arrive in the form of a knight on a white horse coming to make them a princess. It's a kind of childish and irresponsible dream, not that you can really blame anyone for wanting it, especially since we get pumped full of this crap from the time we're little kids and our society isn't very honest about love or sex. That dream of perfect love, how magical it's supposed to be and how perfect our partner is supposed to be, is probably the cause of a lot of poisoned relationships and missed opportunities.

Adapting to that dream as if it were reality instead of adapting, without resentment or a crushed spirit, to the good things and great opportunies life offers us, isn't necessarily taking care of yourself in a healthy way. It can also be closing yourself off and trading something good right in front of your face for something you don't have and that maybe doesn't exist.

What this guy has now is a girl he's attracted to AND likes, and who is attracted to AND likes him. And she's even cool enough to be very straightforward about it. That's at least five excellent things going right there -- and he's turning away from them to settle instead for nothing.

Getting hurt is not the worst thing in the world. I really don't think it deserves as much respect as a lot of people give it, in this context. There is no way you can possibly avoid it in life anyway unless you have no life at all and don't want one, so how hard should you really try to avoid any situation that could bring pain to you? Getting hurt is part of love, and the search for love. Giving up the possibility of pain is giving up the possibility of love. And besides love, also sex, fun, and companionship don't exactly stink either.

I'm just saying that maybe the guy is stronger than he thinks or than other people think, and that it's probably worth finding out. If his heart breaks here and there, all I can say is Welcome to the club, buddy! /images/graemlins/smile.gif Your membership card is in the mail, and you now belong to the human race. It's not such a bad organization. You've got lots of friends in it!

He can always clam up and guarantee himself no misery, but that's just guaranteeing himself no happiness, either. He's got his old age to be lonely and miserable maybe, if he wants to, but he's a young guy. He should be happy to meet women who like him and are attracted to him, and enjoy them and let them enjoy him. If his head is screwy and in the wrong place, maybe they'll help him straighten it out. Like that Aerosmith song: "You ain't seen nothin'/Till you're down on a muffin/Then you're sure to be changing your ways."

Just joking. But seriously, you learn by living, and don't get anywhere by clamming up. People survive broken hearts, and sometimes they grow up in the process and learn not to have such unrealistic expectations, making the next time a lot easier. And, for sure, making them a LOT more attractive to the next girl. Being confident, relaxed, open and accepting is very cool for a woman to see in a guy. It beats the hell out of the opposite. A broken heart is a very small price to pay for living.

[4thstreetpete]

[ QUOTE ]
sorry, but you turned her down when she offered sex with no strings?

That's just incredibly pussy-like.

If you really want to start a relationship with her, you have to STOP being her friend. Seriously. Tell her that because you're interested in her romantically, you can't just be her friend - and then back it up. Stop calling her, stop emailing her, etc.

If she really is into you, you'd be surprised how well this will work. If she's not into you, then you haven't lost a thing.

[/ QUOTE ]

You know, this is really good advice seriously. You'd so surprise how many girls get all crazy and stuff and be totally into you once you show less interest in them.

[sexypanda]

[ QUOTE ]
Its not about looking for a perfect situation. Its about emotional investment. Him banging some chick hes going to fall for, and having her just want him for the sex, is not going to be good for his emotional well being. It's as simple as that.

Sure it's easy to say "well just be cool and see how it goes", but that doesnt mean its possible for him in this particular situation. I've got alot of experience on both sides of this situation, and have more female friends than is prolly healthy, who have all done similiar things. Without fail, if one of the 2 people involved in the "no strings sex" has an emotional attachment to the other person, it never ends well, and someone spends alot of time being tortured.

How do you think hes going to feel when they have sex and for him its about intamacy and sharing himself with someone he cares about, and for her its none of those things. And while he is busy falling for her, shes going out with other guys, going to parties and going home with other people. How well do you think hes going to respect himself when he knows all this, yet still ends up in her bed because he longs to be close to her and pretends he has some chance of her ever feeling the same way. Being self aware enough to admit to yourself this is where you will end up (even if thats not where most other people would end up) and then taking the appropriate steps to not end up there, before its to late, is a good thing. And it sounds like thats what the OP has done.

[/ QUOTE ]

i understand where you're coming from, but my interpretation was that she wasn't saying it was about sex and nothing else. I think the girl said she enjoyed the friendship and wanted to hook up with him, but was just not ready to make a serious committment. In my opinion, the important thing in any friendship or relationship is honesty. He also seemed to have just met her. I really don't think it's healthy to develop such strong feelings of commitment towards someone after such a short period of time. She was willing to open the relationship, and the OP shut her down. I think that as long as both people understand where their at, I don't see a problem with having a [censored] buddy. It's sometimes a short-lived connection and sometimes not, but in either case you will still learn from it and still take alot out of it. With every relationship you have, you understand more about what you're looking for. If you aren't willing to take these chances, you'll never figure out what you want. Hey, it may even work out perfectly, but you have to be willing to allow things take their natural course, not force them into some sort of mold.

[siccjay]

[ QUOTE ]
Seriously sneak a kiss in on a hooker and you are getting your money back

[/ QUOTE ]

...or gonorrea of the mouth.

[stankybank]

man up and stick it in her pooper!

[sexypanda]

I just wanted to add that I equate getting my heart broken to a bad beat. Hey, it sucks but it happens. Don't get married to big hands preflop. I love how everyone here abides (or should abide) by that rule in poker, but thinks is a completely different story in life. Get over it and move on to the next hand. Also, be willing to take a flop, get a sense of where you're at and then make a decision.

I also equate people who are constantly heart-broken and closed off to the old men you all see at your poker table, you know, the ones who call with aces because the "know" they'll get cracked, and have tons of bad beat stories to tell you. Don't be one of those guys.

[siccjay]

Ok, well I have read this whole thread finally and I think everyone missed one thing. GIRLS LIE!!!!!!!!!

Just because she said she didn't want a relationship didn't mean she meant it. You should have been a man and banged her instead of getting all wussified and telling her how much you cared about her. YOU DONT TELL GIRLS THESE THINGS YOU SHOW THEM WITH BODY LANGUAGE, FLIRTING, AND BANGING THEM.

Everyone that doesn't have someone is looking for someone. Hell, even some people with someone are looking for someone better.

You seriously messed up. She was attracted to you enough to TELL YOU that she wanted the cock, that doesn't happen often (in these type of situations). You TOTALLY turned her off by getting all emotional. Sorry, it sucks but it's the truth.

Now, you need to act like nothing has happened. Go back to how you were acting before you became a wuss. You need to act unfazed by the whole situation. Let her call you and initiate conversations. Be busy. Make her realize that you don't need her. There are 4 million more females than men in the world, so you really don't need this ONE.

Blarq has made some good ass posts in this thread as well. Just remember that singing outside of her window in the rain and buying her things only works in the movies.

[Felix_Nietsche]

All you had to do was continue to have fun and sex with her and SHE would be the one wanting you two to be BF/GF. Instead you pressure her and you may have blown it for good. I found if you want a girl to be your women then have fun with them and THEY will give you the green light if they want it to go further.

Green light = Talk about you two in the future (1 week, 2week. 1 month, etc...) or they talk a what they love about your possesions (they afraid to to say they love you directly so talk about your attributes or your possessions that they love....

[Blarg]

I've had to agree with 100% of everything sexypanda has said.

[wacki]

[ QUOTE ]
I've had to agree with 100% of everything sexypanda has said.

[/ QUOTE ]

Ya, I'm sold. Kid needs an attitude adjustment. Funny how poker relates to life so well.

[sexypanda]

[ QUOTE ]
I've had to agree with 100% of everything sexypanda has said.

[/ QUOTE ]

I was about to say the same thing about you.

[Tyler Durden]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]

I'm not sure where you get your info from dude, but last time I saw Tyler Durden in action, he definitely was getting some phone numbers. I didn't think the guys were all that hot, but he just said something like "you know what they say about biker boys..."

[/ QUOTE ]

Getting dude's phone numbers it totally different than getting laid. But your post reminds me of the one time that TD got laid in the past 18 months.

Remember when he picked up that dude at the bar by telling him that he was an internet poker pro? Then the next day TD found out that "Ace" (or was it "Gary") stole his credit card information?

[/ QUOTE ]

Yeah, I think that's a pretty cheap way of getting a guys attention though. He easily could have complimented his form or the way the guy handled his stick (in pool), but he resorted to the "if you only knew the size of my...bankroll" line. Maybe he thought the guy was tight and passive?

[/ QUOTE ]

You guys are so funny, too funny. But by funny I mean lame and not at all funny.

[Alobar]

If Im guilting of painting him as a emotionaly fragile pansy, I think you are guilty of taking it to far to the other extreme, were its supposedly all care free, and people can [censored] and have a jolly good time. Im sure the reality is somewhere in the middle.

I break it down like this. He has deeper feelings for this chick. She doesnt share those feelings. He is interested in a relationship. She isnt. Why bother with trying to make that work? There are plenty of other chicks in the world, and plenty of other opportunities to hook up with someone who is on the same page as you. Why go down a road you know will prolly just end badly?

Life is a series of EV decisions. I used to have no hangups about hooking up with a roomate. Invariably things always went bad and I wished I handt done it. So I enacted the "roomate rule" and wouldnt hook up with a roomate. Did I have times where I wanted to do otherwise? hell yes. Was I possibly missing out on something? Maybe. but more than likely I just saved myself some grief. To make a bad poker analogy, I don't limp 97s UTG just because it has the possibility to win me a huge pot. I fold it because I know most of the time its just going to cost me chips.

[Malachii]

Oooh, "wussified." We have a David DeAngelo prodigy in the house! /images/graemlins/wink.gif

[Blarg]

[ QUOTE ]
If Im guilting of painting him as a emotionaly fragile pansy, I think you are guilty of

[/ QUOTE ]

Hey now, nobody's guilty here and this isn't a competition.

[ QUOTE ]
He has deeper feelings for this chick.

[/ QUOTE ]

I'm wondering if he does, or just thinks he does. Frankly, without knowing this girl better, I'm wondering how he has the ammunition to know. Perhaps he merely has romantic illusions? Perhaps even ones that he might apply hastily regardless of the situation at hand? The OP's post itself calls into question directly whether he is really separating romantic illusion from reality, and profitably doing so, and that's been a good part of the thrust of my posting on the matter.

I try to be careful not to take many assertions along these lines at face value. Love and emotion are complicated things, the whole truth is rarely told, and often it's not even fully known by the guy in question, much less who he's talking to about it.

My starting point is that his situation and the way he describes it hint that love may not be something he has all that mature a conception of yet, and/or that he may be misapplying those conceptions here. And it could cost him a chance at something really good that he may come to regret.

My recommendations that he basically lighten up and take enough risks to find out what love or some sort of a relationship with this woman at this point in time might possibly mean are intended to help him clarify his feelings and understanding of himself and his needs, and of love, by working them out and trying to see if something good could happen to him. After all, it could be something good, couldn't it? Why assume he's guaranteed completely right that an attempt at happiness with this girl could only lead to misery, and that that misery would be so great or lasting that it wouldn't be worth the happiness he also receives as part of it?

Pain is not the worst thing in the world, and trying to avoid it to too great a degree means you miss out on the whole world. Pain is not avoidable no matter what you do. He will never find a relationship that doesn't endanger his feelings and subject his heart to harm. That doesn't mean he has to be completely foolish and accept any relationship that comes along, but this is a girl he likes and is attracted to and who likes and is attracted to him too, and has the guts and flat out unvarnished interest in him to come right out and say so. These do not seem like bad preconditions for an attempt at a relationship.

What has always struck me as a bad precondition for a relationship is to make demands on it before it has even begun. It can be a protective measure to keep from getting involved deeper, an escape hatch for those without the courage to see a situation for what it is instead of what it could be or should be, and deal with it accordingly. I'm thinking that perhaps something like that can be grown out of, too, with some experience and a greater acceptance of both oneself and "the other." And the sooner the better.

I don't think one should cut off the chance of success by prematurely embracing failure. A leap into the known is always easier than putting oneself on the line and becoming vulnerable. "Aw, those grapes were probably sour anyway..." Is that a good response to life? Granting yourself immediate failure as a shield against the fear of failure is not the way a young man, or any man, should live his life.

[ QUOTE ]
She doesnt share those feelings

[/ QUOTE ]

I don't take her words at face value either. People have every motivation in the world for saying things, and telling the truth is only one small choice among many. Besides, people often don't know the truth, at least about their inner feelings, or are afraid to say it.

This girl just came out of a relationship and is still having emotional repercussions from it, it seems. Does that mean she doesn't want a relationship, or could it be that this is something she would merely say so that she doesn't feel pressured into developing one too quickly? Neither of us knows, he probably doesn't know, and she may not know either. The mere fact that she wants to have sex with and hang around him is a relationship of some sort already. It may easily segue into a more committed relationship once she becomes more comfortable to rendering herself more emotionally available after being with the OP for a while. Who knows? You know what? I wouldn't be surprised if SHE doesn't.

But how is either one of them going to find out?

[ QUOTE ]
Why bother with trying to make that work?

[/ QUOTE ]

Why bother living? Why get up out of bed in the morning?

We don't know what really constitutes "working" for either one of these people. I doubt they do either. Things like that get worked out in a relationship anyway, not guaranteed in writing up front. You couldn't guarantee a relationship if you tried, no matter who the parties were. That's not how people or relationships work.

Nobody knows what goes on between two people. They could find a way that works for both of them that comprises all sorts of ways to be together that neither they nor we could imagine. Not a person on earth has the ability to say. It could entail more or less time spent alone together, or as a couple with others, or more or less emotional intimacy, or sex... no one can say.

We don't know what's going to happen, or that it is going to be bad, or that either person knows either what love is or how that could be worked out between them. These are not cut and dried things.

But we do have two people who both find something good in each other and have an interest in finding out. I'm not convinced that preserving one's aloneness and ignorance and turning down what someone desires to give is better than both taking, giving, learning, and experiencing nothing is a good trade. Frankly, if he gets hurt, it won't be the first time or the last. But for all we know, the girl could be madly in love with him within a month and they could be married next year. How wise is it to turn aside the possibility of something that could be really great, whether it's for a month or for a lifetime, just to save yourself not just pain but the mere possibility of pain?

My thesis is that, especially as a young man, you don't know all that much yet about what you really feel and understand, and you've got to go live and find out. There's no "if" you're going to get your ass kicked; it's just going to happen, period. If you try to avoid it too much and cut yourself off from the good things that come your way, you've lost. And if you're not smart enough to regret it now, you'll realize it later, when it's too late. You don't get a second shot at life. This is it. Go for your friggin' joy, because you deserve it. For god sake, don't count yourself out of it because you're afraid of the misery. The misery is coming; don't worry about, just get over it and keep on going anyway. And don't think you know everything up front, because mostly you don't know shyt.

[ QUOTE ]
I used to have no hangups about hooking up with a roomate

[/ QUOTE ]

With a ROOMMATE? Dude, this is horrifically -EV. I'd never recommend hooking up with a roommate either. That's like hooking up with your secrtary, but worse, because with a roommate you can't escape. That is nothing like this kid's situation, and I wouldn't recommend anybody ever hook up with their roommate. That's insanity, and you can get a lot worse than a broken heart.

Which again, isn't the worst thing in the world. You risk a broken heart every time you get into a relationship, even the ones you think might not turn serious. That risk is the price you pay for happiness and its well worth paying. Beats the hell out of risking nothing and achieving nothing.

You have to buy your buddy a beer and listen to his sob stories when his heart is broken, and be the first to try to get him back on his feet again and chasing someone else, and not just to get him to shut up. Life is hard and scary, but so what? The girls will never be prettier, livelier, and more optimistic than they are for this guy right now, and he'll never have more time and energy to pursue them than when he's young. Who wants to grow old and have no stories to tell, or too big a collection of missed opportunities to loop your memory through while you cry in your beer alone? Seriously, you can pay a bigger price for missed opportunities than for heartbreaks and other temporary setbacks. If the girl is truly not for him, fine, but she's telling him that she is at least a little bit, and the rest is probably yet to be determined and beyond the control of either of them. They should find out, and see if either of them knows what happiness is. Maybe they can each show the other.

And if not, they'll at least have tried, and probably had some fun and grown a little along the way, which isn't a bad thing in life and shouldn't be valued as lowly as it often is. It sure beats the icy purgatory of keeping yourself perfectly safe and never knowing. Heck, there's nothing you can do to keep yourself perfectly safe anyway, and it's a pretty dispiriting, lifeless goal.

[wacki]

Blarg, you need to become a therapist. You're good at it. So go get your Ph.D..

[DMBFan23]

you know how in tournaments you dont play marginal +EV situations early because the chips you win are worth less than the chips you might lose? I think with chicks its the opposite, like the potential win is worth way more than you might lose, so now I give 97s UTG a shot and see if I can't flop something.

[censored] me for making that analogy. what the [censored].

[The once and future king]

Actualy the dumbest thing you did wasnt turning down the no-strings sex but failing to see how the no strings sex could acctualy accomplish your long term goal which was sex with strings.

If you have regular sex with a woman, chances are that women will develop more and more feelings for you, especialy if your woodsmans skills are up to scratch.

You should have taken the no strings sex as youre base camp for your assault on relationship mountain.

[raisethatmofo]

[mackthefork]

[ QUOTE ]
Well, fast forward 3 months later. She was now OFFERING to give me hand jobs from then on and smiling while doing it. Great !!!

[/ QUOTE ]

She was probably trying to make sure you didn't ask for a blow job /images/graemlins/tongue.gif, seriously you kids need to stop playing so much poker and get out some.

Mack

[RunDownHouse]

[ QUOTE ]
Well, fast forward 3 months later. She was now OFFERING to give me hand jobs from then on and smiling while doing it. Great !!!

[/ QUOTE ]

I just spit coffee all over. This needs to go in the "unintentionally funny" thread.

[Alobar]

Damn, you have to go and make a post so long and well thought out, that theres no way I'm going to put the effort into doing it justice with a reply?? Thanks alot [censored]!! /images/graemlins/wink.gif /images/graemlins/tongue.gif (seriously, really nice post)

You are right that we cant really know the OPs true situation, we have a small post written by someone with a view of things as seen through his emotional filter, then we are deciphering it through our own filter of experience. Makes for interesting takes on the subject

I find it very interesting tho, that you can talk about not limiting yourself, and not be worried about pain, and a whole kinda "just go out there and see what happens" attititude, and yet strongly advice not to hook up with somone you live with? I obviously agree with the whole "dont [censored] where you eat" concept. But why do the rules suddenly change for you here? Shouldnt you still be willing to take that chance, to see what develops, cuz you never know what good might come from it? Why is it smart to take that reservation about a situation like that, yet when asituation comes along that you should also have reservations about, its now about living and putting yourself out there?

[Patrick del Poker Grande]

[ QUOTE ]
You should have taken the no strings sex as youre base camp for your assault on relationship mountain.

[/ QUOTE ]
Nice.

[sexypanda]

Yea Blarg's posts are incredibly well thought out. I think that the OP should really read each one, there's some great advice in there.

I think the difference between the hooking up with the roommate situation, is that you rightfully have a lot invested in that relationship. Again, whenever you open the relationship, you run the risk of it going wrong. The difference here though, is that there's alot more riding on it, and if it doesn't work out, now you have to deal with it every day, and its staring you in the face. You have to re-live the bad beat every time you step into your house. That's not good at all.

I think the OP, on the otherhand, incorrectly invested too much into a budding relationship, which is also not good. Taking the poker analogy even further, I'd never recommend that anyone just LAG it up, that's also a losing strategy (though you have a little more fun loosing than when you play weak-tight). The point is, you should assess each situation for what it is and be willing to find yourself in marginal situations, because sometimes they just work out. You can't just sit around and wait for the nuts. You need to constantly be objectively evaluating the situation, and if at any point you find yourself losing, there's no shame and getting up and walking away. The difference between poker and life though, is that you should be completely honest with the people you're forming relationships with, it makes it much easier to play. There's no room for deception in a good relationship, but it does involve a good deal of thought and adjustment.

[squeek12]

[ QUOTE ]
Don't listen to all the chest thumping sex machines in this thread. All of them know a no strings sex partner is the best thing in the world, simply because all of them are getting laid, or because they are chained down to a bed and long for spankings.

This obviously isnt something I can do with girls because I have no schlong.

[/ QUOTE ]

FYP

[ThisHo]

[ QUOTE ]
an ex-gf of mine wanted no strings sex shortly after our breakup. I was still stinging from the breakup, so i chose not to. It would have been too hard emotionaly.

[/ QUOTE ]

i haven't read the rest of this thread so others may have (probly have) said it but... this is NOT the same situation as the OP.

OP :
1 - There is a HIGH likelyhood that if you ever do get this girl as a GF that she will break your heart. If she's 6mo out of a relationship and still not ready to deal with starting something new, but is willing to bang away with no attachment than there are issues there.
2 - with #1 as a warning, if you really do want her as a GF then you'll need to cut her off as others have said. I was amazed (many years ago when I was single) at how well the "ignore the bitch" plan worked. It was totally against my nature, but the few times I used it I got the girl.
3 - If you just want to be friends with her, then just be friends. That's cool.

Hope this all works out???
ThisHo

[Blarg]

[ QUOTE ]
Damn, you have to go and make a post so long and well thought out, that theres no way I'm going to put the effort into doing it justice with a reply?? Thanks alot [censored]!! /images/graemlins/wink.gif /images/graemlins/tongue.gif (seriously, really nice post)

You are right that we cant really know the OPs true situation, we have a small post written by someone with a view of things as seen through his emotional filter, then we are deciphering it through our own filter of experience. Makes for interesting takes on the subject

I find it very interesting tho, that you can talk about not limiting yourself, and not be worried about pain, and a whole kinda "just go out there and see what happens" attititude, and yet strongly advice not to hook up with somone you live with? I obviously agree with the whole "dont [censored] where you eat" concept. But why do the rules suddenly change for you here? Shouldnt you still be willing to take that chance, to see what develops, cuz you never know what good might come from it? Why is it smart to take that reservation about a situation like that, yet when asituation comes along that you should also have reservations about, its now about living and putting yourself out there?

[/ QUOTE ]

heheh! Thanks for the good word!

On pain, well, I just mean don't cut yourself out of too much of life for fear of pain, unreasonably. Balance and all. Bad things can and will happen, but there's no point letting the fear of them diminish your life out of proportion to their actual impact.

On getting together with a roommate, that brings up problems on an immediate practical level, because it's more than one kind of relationship, and it isn't compartmentalized enough so that you can keep things easily under control.

It's a financial arrangement, and if you get in a bad emotional situation with them, their rent payment may become unreliable. Plus, if they're vengeful, they can cause you a world of damage. They can spitefully run up your phonebill for hundreds of dollars that won't come due on the bill till after they've moved out; they can do the same with your electricity(I had an idiot roommate who turned the heater all the way up and opened up all the windows), they can steal or break your stuff, they can change locks on your doors or mess with your car(I had a roommate steal my other roommate's car!), they can get aggressive to your friends, they can mess with your mail and personal records ... it just goes on and on. It's easy to be nice getting together, but even people who seem really nice sometimes just act like idiots when they break up.

And if that happens, you can never get away from it by just going home for a nice safe place to breathe in -- because there they are again! Kind of like with office romances -- you can't escape each other after the break-up, and that just gives things a better chance to fester and get out of control

I think it's pretty nice for a man and woman to be able to escape from each other -- and that's even when the relationship couldn't be better. You never know, it's possible for any relationship to be satisfying, and when it breaks up to do so without rancor. But you're playing a dangerous game when you get involved with a rooommate or co-worker.

[oreogod]

http://www.forumspile.com/HitIt-Squirrel.jpg