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Bulldog
06-14-2005, 03:55 PM
Post your favorite standup quotes. Put them in the subject line if you are grandgnu. Everyone else act normal.

I could post Eddie Murphy stuff all day, but I'll start with this one...

"We need a hook for this. I know...'What A Bargain!' Chopsticks, 29 cents, What A Bargain."

Brother walks in, sees the sign, "Hmmm, chopsticks, 29 cents, what a bargain. That's a bargain for me. I think I will buy some!"

And Chris Rock:

"Hooray! We won! We won!"

"What did we win? Everyday I check my mailbox for my OJ prize...nothing!"

jakethebake
06-14-2005, 03:57 PM
[ QUOTE ]
Post your favorite standup quotes. Put them in the subject line if you are grandgnu. Everyone else act normal.

I could post Eddie Murphy stuff all day, but I'll start with this one...

"We need a hook for this. I know...'What A Bargain!' Chopsticks, 29 cents, What A Bargain."

Brother walks in, sees the sign, "Hmmm, chopsticks, 29 cents, what a bargain. That's a bargain for me. I think I will buy some!"

And Chris Rock:

"Hooray! We won! We won!"

"What did we win? Everyday I check my mailbox for my OJ prize...nothing!"

[/ QUOTE ]

Were those supposed to be funny? I guess you had to be there. I didn't even get them. /images/graemlins/confused.gif

The only funny one was your own line about grandgnu. /images/graemlins/grin.gif

Shajen
06-14-2005, 03:59 PM
...and then the big brown shark came...

...and GI Joe got stuck in the water...


Classic Eddie. No one could bring it like him back in the day. No one.

moondogg
06-14-2005, 04:07 PM
[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
Post your favorite standup quotes. Put them in the subject line if you are grandgnu. Everyone else act normal.

I could post Eddie Murphy stuff all day, but I'll start with this one...

"We need a hook for this. I know...'What A Bargain!' Chopsticks, 29 cents, What A Bargain."

Brother walks in, sees the sign, "Hmmm, chopsticks, 29 cents, what a bargain. That's a bargain for me. I think I will buy some!"

And Chris Rock:

"Hooray! We won! We won!"

"What did we win? Everyday I check my mailbox for my OJ prize...nothing!"

[/ QUOTE ]

Were those supposed to be funny? I guess you had to be there. I didn't even get them. /images/graemlins/confused.gif

The only funny one was your own line about grandgnu. /images/graemlins/grin.gif

[/ QUOTE ]

The Eddie Murphy one has to be done with a certain voice. You definitely have to hear hom do it to get it.

The Chris Rock one is in the middle of a hilarious (IMHO) routine about racism and the OJ trial.

That being said, here's some Mitch Hedburg:
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much you play, You'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. They're [censored] relentless.

All McDonalds commercials end the same way: "prices and participation may vary." I want to open my own McDonalds and not participate in [censored]. I want to be a stubborn McDonalds owner. "You got cheeseburgers?" "Nope ... we got spaghetti! ... and blankets."

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be [censored] up.


I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There's turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Some one needs to tell the turkey: man, just be yourself. I already like you, little brother. You do not need to emulate the other animals. I used to draw you. (Stares at hand.) Man, if you were missing a couple of fingers, you drew one [censored]-up turkey. You'd be like, "That turkey's been in an accident."

jakethebake
06-14-2005, 04:13 PM
[ QUOTE ]
The Eddie Murphy one has to be done with a certain voice. You definitely have to hear hom do it to get it.

The Chris Rock one is in the middle of a hilarious (IMHO) routine about racism and the OJ trial.

[/ QUOTE ]

This was kind of my point. Posting one line w/o context just isn't funny.

kyro
06-14-2005, 04:16 PM
"The problem is, people makin [censored] bigger than it really is. I mean [censored] is big, but not this big. I'm watchin the news and they're like 'Tupac Shakur...assassinated. Biggie Smalls assassinated. Struck down by assassins.' No they wasn't! Martin Luther King was assassinated. Malcolm X was assassinated. John F. Kennedy was assassinated. These two niggas got shot!"

Chris Rock

eric5148
06-14-2005, 04:22 PM
More Mitch:

I had a ant farm once, but those fuckers didn't grow shit!

I want to put a big map of the world on my wall with tacks over the places I've been to. So, first I'll need to go to the top corners of the map so it won't fall down.

Bulldog
06-14-2005, 04:48 PM
The idea was to spark the memory for those who have heard it. But, I get your point--had to be there type of thing.

blaze666
06-14-2005, 04:48 PM
the canadian steward francis (he's white by the way) says:

'one day, i thought i'd been adopted. i don't know why, but i just had a feeling. so i said, dad, am i adopted? and he said to me, kanjii, kun hajema desu ka! [audience laughs] and anyone whoa ccuses me of stealing other peoples jokes, can kiss my big black ass'

very funny stuff.

lucas9000
06-14-2005, 05:12 PM
dane cook is damn funny...

"Monopoly. Everyone had it, nobody liked it. Even if you think you liked it...you didn't. And it's simple why. This is anybody here, 4 and a half hours into a game of Monopoly....'[censored] THIS GAME!!!!!!! It's 4 in the morning grandma, you win! I'm sitting on Baltic with CRAP! And where'd you get the pink $50's grandma, I hate when you're the banker! I'm paying luxery tax out the ass and you're stealing pink $50's, I don't think so! Don't touch me grandpa, NANNA IS A CHEATING WHORE!'"

JustSomeJackass
06-15-2005, 11:15 PM
Dave Attell (from his CD "Skanks for the Memories")

I was in Reno, Nevada...what a great town...all night drinking, legalized prostitution...gambling. You know what the town doesn't have? A zoo...there's no zoo there

And after a couple days of drinking, gambling, and banging hookers....... you kinda wanna see a panda...you really do.
______________________________
You know what the most abused drug in the country is?? Go ahead yell it out (people yell out beer, pot, etc) No...Aspirin.....Aspirin...it does everything. good for headaches (takes away the headache from a hangover), it thins the blood....it's good for arthritis. I think on the bottle they should just list what aspirin *won't* do.

Aspirin will not bring a hooker back to life..............so stop taking it.

James Boston
06-15-2005, 11:28 PM
Sprite contains lemon and lime, but there's more to it, because I tried to make that s**t at home.

I have business cards that say, "Mitch Hedberg-potential lunch winner."

I saw a commercial for a product that helps you water your hard to reach plants. Who the f**k would make their plants hard to reach? It was available for three easy payments of $19.99. I want to see a product that's 2 easy payments and one complicated as f**k payment.

I got a receipt the other day for a donut. Aw c'mon..do we really need to bring ink and paper into this? I can't invision a situation where I would need to prove I purchased a donut.


...so many more

2005
06-15-2005, 11:35 PM
"You know the difference between a good friend and your best friend?"

"A friend helps you move. Your best friend will help you move... a body"

Dave Attell

youtalkfunny
06-16-2005, 04:39 AM
OK, off the top of my head:

"I asked the cab driver if he knew where I could find some action. He took me to my house!"--Rodney Dangerfield

"Let me clear this up: there is no such thing as bisexual. Either you suck dick--or you do not suck dick. What do these guys do when they get up in the morning, flip a coin? Heads, I want hairpie; tails, balls across the nose."--Andrew Dice Clay

"Katy Kouric said to me, 'Will you please be serious?' I said, "Uh, no! You're interviewing ME, and a CLOWN. Did you lose a bet?"--Bob Goldthwaite, on the Today show to discuss the impact of his alcoholic clown film

"Norton, my friend: how would YOU like to f*** ME up the ass? Now I'm gonna bend over, and when I do, staaaaart f**king."--Eddie Murphy

"You know, I'll betcha that if I learn to FCUK real good, I won't have to give away everything I own every FIVE FCUKING YEARS!"--Sam Kinison

Funny, type one Sam K line, and ten more come flooding back into your memory. Just one more:

"You know what this is? That's SAND. You can't grow a F**KING thing in it. Come back 100 years from now, you know what's gonna be here? F**king sand!"--Sam Kinison

Sorry, I can't help myself. One more, about the necrophilia victim:

"Well, it's all over. I'm dead now. It sucks, I had a lot to live for, but it's not as bad as I was expecting. Very peaceful. I should be on my way soon to meet the Lord. I've made my peace with Jesus, I'm ready to be accepted into the great Kingdom of Heaven, just as soon as...wait a minute...what the hell is that? Is that a dick up my ass?? OH NO!!! I'm dead, and I've got a dick up my ass! This is WORSE than death! This is worse than death."--Sam K

youtalkfunny
06-16-2005, 04:46 AM
When guys start talking about the funniest tv show or comedian they've ever seen, they usually mention Eddie Murphy's "Delirious", or a Monty Python movie.

But my vote always goes to Buddy Hackett's first HBO special. It was one of those things where after a half an hour, your SIDES hurt from laughing, your FACE hurt from smiling, you simply couldn't breath. It was THAT funny.

That was, what, early 80's? Late 70's? It still tops my list.

Highlight: Story where his wife drags him on a ski trip, but he doesn't want to go.

I told her, 'Jews don't ski. Jews play pinochle and say, 'Helen, bring fruit.' You see, there's this little bone in the knee called "the Jew Bone", and all you have to do is say, "How much are the skis?", and the bone breaks.

(imitating wife) You went skiing at the Concorde!

(Normal voice) That was the Catskills! Little Jewish hills! You're talking Mt. Snow, Vermont. Big Christian mountains!

(imitating mountain) "COME ON JEW, I'M WAITING FOR YA!"

(Normal voice) F*CK YOU, YOU NAZI MOUNTAIN BASTARD, I AIN'T COMIN'!!

(imitating wife) You never take me anywhere!

(normal voice) So we go. We get there, and the first thing I notice is, there's no air up there! It's skinny air. You've got to suck in three puffs just to fill up one side of a nose. And all the men up there look the same: Long legs. Thin waists, which go up like a "V" to their broad shoulders. Necks, they all have necks, and large protruding Adam's Apples. High cheek bones, blonde hair, blue eyes...

FREAKS! You want to vomit, you can't look at [censored] like this for too long! And my wife introduces me to this instructor, "And this is my husband."

And the guy says, (thick German accent) "Ah, how do you do, sir. JEWISH to ski? JEW vill ski? Jew vill NOT ski! JEWWW vill vatch."

Then they give me my ski clothes. Everything has to be super-tight, for some reason. They give me a sweater with a picture of two deer screwing on it, when I put it on, the deer are this far apart! I put on the ski pants, and the fly is open like this. I said, "Honey, there's no way." She says, "Look, you gotta PUSH and PULL." (he crouches, like someone trying to close the zipper on hopelessly tight pants) So she's pushin' in my stomach, the kids are pullin' in my ass, we get the thing closed....all of a sudden, I notice, (starts to slowly rise up out of his crouch) I'm getting taller....and my hair's turning blond and my eyes are turning blue because they're getting no air...(super deep voice) AND I GOT A LUMP IN MY THROAT I THINK I USED TO PISS WITH!

Then they give the ski boots (walks like Frankenstein), the Frankenstien boots, and ski poles, and the lift tickets, and we go outside, and this tall blonde man says to me, (German accent) "How do you do, sir? My name is Klaus, I am zee Commandant of zee Ski School. And this is Hans, and Fritz, and Wilhelm, and Sandor. With whom Jewish to ski?"

I said, "If you ain't got a Herbie, I ain't going."

I'm cracking myself up typing this. I wish you guys could hear him do it, instead of settling for my lame rendition.

One more:

[b]the nurse hands me the little hospital gown thing, and says, "Here. One size fits all." I said, "I need Double-XL." (shakes his head, imitating nurse) "One size fits all."

I put it on. It fit my "all", but my ass is hanging out! I'm in Las Vegas, I've got kids coming up behind me in the hallway shoving quarters in my ass! I made seven dollars.

And sh*t on three kids.

handsome
06-16-2005, 04:51 AM
[ QUOTE ]
...and then the big brown shark came...

...and GI Joe got stuck in the water...


Classic Eddie. No one could bring it like him back in the day. No one.

[/ QUOTE ]

(After taking a picture..)
"This ain't no instamatic motherf***er."

shant
06-16-2005, 05:07 AM
The funniest quote from Eddie Murphy stand-up movies wasn't said by Eddie Murphy. It's the part where some lady loudly says something to Eddie and instantly some random guy yells, "Shut up bitch!"

Such a classic moment. Even Eddie Murphy was caught off guard and started cracking up. I bet that guy keeps the Delirious DVD on pause in his house and whenever people come over he plays that line so everyone knows he's the "Shut up Bitch!" guy.

thatpfunk
06-16-2005, 05:22 AM
"Oscar, you're a grouch!"
"He's like- Bitch I live in a [censored] trash can!"

imported_wingman
06-16-2005, 05:23 AM
"I went to the store to get a candle holder, but they were all out...so I bought a cake."

Mitch Hedberg is the king of one liners.

JustSomeJackass
06-17-2005, 10:50 PM
[ QUOTE ]
Mitch Hedberg is the king of one liners.

[/ QUOTE ]

To all Mitch fans who didn't know...Mitch died on March 31st. He had achieved a lot of success in his stand-up career, but still was on the doorstep of even greater things. Unfortunately this did not receive as much media attention as it may have, had the Pope and that Terry Schiavo not also died either on the same day, or within a few days of Mitch's death.

The Mitch quotes here are great...I am a long time fan of his and remember the first time he performed at my local comedy club and bombed horribly, as the audience just didn't get him at the time...but 10 or so Letterman appearances, a Comedy Central special, and numerous other national appearances, and it's obvious the man was a great talent.

He appeared in the movie "Almost Famous" where Mitch got to smoke fake pot with Peter Frampton (scene cut from final movie). In classic Mitch style, he said that it was even better than smoking real pot with a guy that looked like Peter Frampton.

Mitch Hedberg (http://www.mitchhedberg.net)

istewart
06-17-2005, 11:00 PM
STFU about Mitch Hedberg. He died. He was a stand-up comedian. He did not cure AIDS.

ClaytonN
06-18-2005, 12:00 AM
Quotes from Ron White's new comedy routine:

"One of my favorite new drinking games is where you take a bunch of your buddies at the Atlanta airport, get into a limousine, get your chaeffeur to drive up the connector, and take a shot of tequila every time you see the word waffle"

___

"What's with this whole 'Mile High' club? I've never actually had the pleasure of having sex on an airplane. I did whack off in denver, though... However, I have created my own club, and it's called the 'Mile Ahead' club. You see, you take a woman, and you have sex with her behind a cracker barrel sign off the highway."

___

"You know, I married a woman my own age... I didn't marry no twentysomething, no child. Because guys, if her boobies start sagging, she can have surgery for that. If her stomach starts to get out there, she can have her stomach stapled. And if her hips get a little wide, she can fix that too. But let me tell you something... you can't fix stupid"

___

"And you know, my wife is just so smart, and I'll give you an example: We're eating dinner one night and shes just comes up with the most brilliant idea. She says 'The drug companies in america should take all the money they put towards drugs like Viagra and Cialis and instead make a drug that makes a man's semen taste like chocolate. By god, this woman is brilliant."

----------

And here are a couple from a british actor who did his routine before Ron White:

"I'm standing in the line at a convenience store, and this rather plump woman walks up to me and says "Excuse me, sir, do you know how I can get to (interstate) 285? And I says "Have you tried Atkins?".

"I tell you, this whole rectal exam thing is a very frightening experience, I'll tell you that much. The proctoligist says to me "Okay, I'll need you to drop your pants and your underwear and bend over over there". So I go over to the corner, bend over, and then I hear the snapping of latex. I think "Oh dear god, I hope that's a glove".

Jules22
06-18-2005, 01:21 AM
lewis black is pretty good, but a lot of his stuff is in the delivery. I guess this one is pretty good

"I heard something the other day that made me wanna question my sanity. I was out in public the other day, and i heard some girl say that '"If it wasn't for my horse, i wouldn't have spent that year in college"'. What the FVCK?! What does a horse, a 4 legged mammal, have anything to do with college, a degree of high learning?!"

thats a rough quote, but to see or hear him tell the story, that is uproarious.

Talk2BigSteve
06-18-2005, 02:35 AM
"Last night I was playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died." -- Steven Wright

Steve

istewart
06-18-2005, 02:39 AM
In Robin Williams' stand-up a few years back, his segment on how golf was invented was hilarious.

ClaytonN
06-18-2005, 02:57 AM
My favorite Lewis Black quote:
“My health club (is) not one of those places where people pump iron … I like to go to a place where the odds even up. My favorite health club is the International House of Pancakes. Because no matter how much you weigh there will always be someone there who weighs 150 pounds more than you will ever weigh. It’s guaranteed – it’s on the back of the menu.”

milliondollaz
06-18-2005, 05:30 AM
Sorry for another Mitch Hedberg...but it's one of my all-time favorites...

"I had a stick of Carefree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality."

trying2learn
06-18-2005, 12:13 PM
more mitch -

"You can't please all of the people all of the time - and last night they were all at my show."

"I like cinnamon rolls, but I don't always have time to make a pan. That's why I wish they would sell cinnamon roll incense. After all, I'd rather light a stick and have my roommate wake up with false hopes."

hoopsie44
06-18-2005, 12:22 PM
Richard Pryor from the late seventies after setting himself on fire with his crack pipe :

" People asked me if I learned anything valuable from this incident. Yes. I learned that white people in Beverly Hills will definitely get out of the way of a screaming black man on fire."

Dominic
06-18-2005, 01:42 PM
Buddy Hackett was awesome.

I saw him in Vegas about 20 years ago and have never laughed harder at anything.

youtalkfunny
06-18-2005, 02:43 PM
You gotta lose that avatar, Dom. Like Buddy would say, "Freaks! You want to vomit! You can't look at [censored] like that for too long."

ClaytonN
06-18-2005, 02:45 PM
[ QUOTE ]
You gotta lose that avatar, Dom.

[/ QUOTE ]

Your Mom
06-18-2005, 06:50 PM
Ron White talking about buying sunglasses (this is paraphrased):

"So I'm in the Sunglass Hut and I need a new pair of sunglasses. I find a pair and ask how much they are. The guy tells me $300. So I look at him and in the nicest voice possible I say, How the [censored] do you sleep at night? My TV cost less than that. The guy says, "But you don't understand. These sunglasses block all UV rays and allow you to look directly into the sun." I say, "No, you don't understand. MY TV receives a signal from outer-[censored] space." Boy did I feel like a jackass when I realized the sunglasses got cable.

HtotheNootch
06-19-2005, 10:20 PM
How did this thread get so far without anything from Bill Hicks:

How come people always flip and think they're Jesus? Why not Buddha? Particularly in America, where more people resemble Buddha than Jesus. 'Ah'm BUDDHA!' 'You're Bubba!' 'Ah'm Buddha now..All I gotta do is change 3 letters on ma belt..."

"A lot of Christians wear crosses around their necks. Do you think when Jesus comes back he ever wants to see a [censored]' cross? It's kind of like going up to Jackie Onassis with a rifle pendant on."

"My final point about alchohol, about drugs, about Pornography...What business is it of your's what I do, read, buy, see or take into my body as long as I don't harm another human being whilst on this planet? And for those of you having a little moral dilemna on how to answer this, I'll answer for you. NONE OF YOUR [censored] BUSINESS Take that to the bank, cash it and take it on a vacation outta my [censored] life. And stop bringing shotguns to UFO sightings, they might be here to pick me up and take me with 'em."

"You ever noticed how people who believe in Creationism look really unevolved? You ever noticed that? Eyes real close together, eyebrow ridges, big furry hands and feet. "I believe God created me in one day" Yeah, looks liked He rushed it"

"The world is like a ride in an amusement park. And when you choose to go on it, you think it's real because that's how powerful our minds are. And the ride goes up and down and round and round. It has thrills and chills and it's very brightly coloured and it's very loud and it's fun, for a while. Some people have been on the ride for a long time and they begin to question, is this real, or is this just a ride? And other people have remembered, and they come back to us, they say, "Hey - don't worry, don't be afraid, ever, because, this is just a ride... And we... kill those people."

"I smoke. If this bothers anyone, I suggest you look around at the world in which we live and shut your [censored]' mouth."

"One of my big fears in life is that I'm gonna die and my parents are going to come to clean out my apartment and find that porno wing I've been adding on to for years."


"It's great to be here. I thank you. Ah, I've been on the road doing comedy for ten years now, so bear with me while I plaster on a fake smile and plough through this [censored] one more time."

I could go on and on...

touchfaith
06-19-2005, 10:57 PM
It's all about Denis...

[ QUOTE ]
I tried eating vegetarian. I feel like a wimp going into a restaurant. "What do you want to eat sir? Brocolli?" Brocolli's a side dish, folks. Always was, always will be, ok? When they ask me what I want, I say, "What do you think I want!? This is America. I want a bowl of raw red meat right now. Forget about that. Bring me a live cow over to the table. I'll carve off what I want and ride the rest home! [Making riding noises]"



I gonna open up my own place. Open my own restaurant and get away from you people. I gonna open up a restaurant with two smoking sections; Ultra and Regular, ok? And we're not gonna have any tables or any chairs or any napkins. None of that pussy [censored]. Just a big wide open black space. And all we're gonna serve is raw meat, right on the bone! And only men are going to eat there, naked men, sitting around a big giant camp fire, and no men's room either. You have to piss, you mark your territory like a wolf! And if some guy has a heart attack from eating too much meat, [censored] him, we throw him in the fire! More meat for the other meat-eaters! Yeah!


[/ QUOTE ]

The13atman
06-19-2005, 11:26 PM
"I would never have sex with a cow, cuz it's wrong, and I am lactose intolerant. I wouldn't do it. Ya gotta know your body. What? What animal would I have sex with? A horse. Cuz that's a beautiful animal. And when you [censored] a horse you know you always have a a ride home. It's true. It's an old Amish trick." - Dave Attell

aaarrrggghhhhhh
06-20-2005, 12:48 AM
"My daddy died while [censored], the girl he was with couldn't give it away in the end. Everyone was saying "get your killer pussy away from me". It's not a bad way to go though. If I was given the choice of being hit by a bus or dying in some pussy, I'm joining that long MF'ing queue." - Richard Pryor

edtost
06-20-2005, 10:58 AM
wow, no one mentioned carlin yet....

"And it does not take a lot of imagination to piss off a feminist. All you gotta do is run into NOW headquarters or Ms. magazine and say, "hey, which one of you cute little cupcakes wants to come home and cook me a nice meal and give me a blowjob!" "blowjob!" Oh. Oh, that pisses them off. You want to piss off a feminist, call her a cum-catcher. That'll get her attention. Aww don't act disgusted. Don't act disgusted. Half of you are going to go home and go down on each other tonight remember? If you're willing to swallow cum, let's not make believe something I said was disgusting. Okay? Huh? All right, let's not have a double standard here, one standard will do just fine.

Now, speaking of blowjobs, do you know why they call it a blowjob? So it'll sound like it has kind of a work ethic attached to it. Make you feel like you did something useful for the economy. As long as I'm being a complete pig up here, let me ask you guys a question. Let me ask, let me ask one question of the men. Are you ever able to watch a woman eating a banana and not think about a blowjob? Huh? I can't do it and I know why. I'm a sick evil [censored]. I accept that, but I can't do it. Eating a banana, eating a pickle, licking on an ice-cream cone. I'm saying to myself, look at the tongue on her. Wooowww. So you women be careful when your standing in front of that Hägen Daz. Cause god dammit were watching, hah, and god dammit were thinking.

Another women's issue, prostitution. I do not understand why prostitution is illegal. Why should prostitution be illegal. Selling is legal. [censored] is legal. Why isn't selling [censored] legal? You know, why should it be illegal to sell something that's perfectly legal to give away. I can't follow the logic on that at all. Of all the things you can do to a person, giving someone an orgasm is hardly the worst thing in the world. In the army they give you a medal for spraying napalm on people. Civilian life, you go to jail for giving someone an orgasm. Maybe I'm not supposed to understand it"

TheIrishThug
06-20-2005, 11:29 AM
mitch:
i think the best invention is the escalator, it can't break. it can only become stairs.

i haven't slept for ten days straight, cause that would just be too long

dave chappelle:
i would like to have...and before i could even finish he was like "THE CHICKEN".