FrankTheTank
06-11-2005, 09:19 PM
Paddington should have been nervous, in this, his first live tournament. This was it, the WSOP main event, him against 6000 other hopefuls in a week-long bloodbath for $10 million. No one would blame him for having butterflies in his stomach, but as he sat down on day 1, Doyle Brunson to his right, Amarillo Slim to his left, he didn’t even bat an eyelash underneath his wraparound Oakleys. Of course he knew the odds were against him, a lone amateur against the best, and the worst, the poker world had to offer. But he was as cool as the other side of the pillow. He had just as much right to be here as anyone else, he had earned his seat (by losing with Aces full to quad Jacks in an online bad beat promotion). Besides, he had a secret weapon up his sleeve. No he wasn’t cheating, and he didn’t have an ingenious new strategy, nor even a perfunctory understanding of the game (he sometimes got the turn and river mixed up). That didn’t matter though. What he had was something all the Sklanskys and Malmuths could never teach in a million books: image. He knew that poker was 99.8% psychology and .02% other. Which is why he shopped at poker-dude.com. web page (http://secure.netsolhost.com/175761.177880/Merchant2/merchant.mvc?Screen=CTGY&Store_Code=P&Category_Cod e=PT2)
http://secure.netsolhost.com/175761.177880/Merchant2/graphics/00000001/Texas%20Holdem-small-Black%20w%20Caption.jpg
From poker-dude.com: This shirt is a must for the Texas Hold'em poker enthusiast. It displays the phrase "TEXAS HOLD'EM POKER...A MINUTE TO LEARN, A LIFETIME TO MASTER." It illustrates an Ace and King also know as "Big Slick" in Texas Hold'em poker.
Ahhhhh yeah. Oh what’s that, Doyle? You wanna raise my blind? Well you better think twice, sucka, cuz I play capital T- Texas holdem! Or can you not read my shirt? And it takes a lifetime to master, so [censored] you grampa, because with shirts like these you know I’m almost there.
Paddington’s plan started working perfectly as soon as he sat down. He could sense the fear in the other players, which they tried to disguise in muffled laughter and sarcastic remarks. Haha, even the dealer’s scared, Paddington thought. Heh, she’s even grabbing other dealers and discreetly pointing at me because she’s so scared. Check and mate.
Unfortunately, Paddington got off to a slow start, losing over 95% of his chips in the first level of play. No problem, he thought, Q10s isn’t going to lose every time. He had brought along 6 shirts, one for each day of play, but he’d just have to bump the schedule up a bit. During the first break, he headed up to his room and threw on this beauty
http://secure.netsolhost.com/175761.177880/Merchant2/graphics/00000001/Pocket%20Rockets-Small-White%20w%20SALE%20Cap.jpg
From poker-dude.com: This shirt illustrates two aces as rockets resting in a fake (printed) shirt pocket. It is meant to symbolize the catch phrase "Pocket Rockets" which signifies the best pocket hand in Texas Hold'em poker.
He came back to the table and sat in the dealer’s chair before the dealer patiently pointed out his assigned seat. He sat there, hands locked behind his head, leaned back with his chest puffed out, a satisfied smile on his simple face. The other players reacted in the only possible way to seeing a grown man sporting twin drawn-on dildos on his chest: a comically exaggerated rubbing of the eyes. "And the pieces," Paddington thought, "fall into place."
Over the next few hours, he went on an incredible rush. Q5s, J7s, if it was suited, he was getting in there and doubling up. Finally, after busting two players in one hand with an improbable 1 card straight flush, he was second in chips at his table. With the blinds at 200-400, and just a few minutes until the end of play for the day, Phil Helmuth, who had been moved to Paddington’s table, made it 1200 to go utg. Paddinton looked down and saw a King-Ten. OF DIAMONDS. Were the dealers betting on him or something? He looked down at his chips, stared at Phil for a second or two, and pushed in all his chips, making it 78,000 to go, a textbook move. The other players quickly folded, and Phil called, flipping over black kings. Paddington had watched enough poker on tv to know the percentages. “Let’s race” he announced to the table, furiously flicking the thumb of each hand against its neighboring index, flipping imaginary coins. With a final board of K 9 3 J Q, Phil was out and, in an unbelievable poker longshot more impressive than Doyle Brunson’s 9 bracelets, Dan Harrington’s back to back final tables, or Kathy Leibert once deadlifting 500 lbs., Paddington was the chip leader after the first day of the WSOP. Phil stormed away from the table, yelling “Shows up with a King-Ten!” before going backstage, kicking over a cart full of water bottles, and giving his exit interview to “Mean” Gene Okerland. That night Paddington slept the sleep of the just, secure that he, and his t-shirts, would be on the top of their game tomorrow.
He showed up the next morning sporting the mother of all psyche-outs
http://secure.netsolhost.com/175761.177880/Merchant2/graphics/00000001/Seven%20Deuce-Small-Black%20w%20Caption.jpg
From poker-dude.com: This shirt displays the phrase " SEVEN, DEUCE MAKES ME RAISE." As seven, deuce is the worst pocket hand in Texas Hold'em, this shirt is meant to be humerous. It will be the topic of conversation at your next Texas Hold'em tournament.
Oh, the shirt was a topic of conversation indeed. Paddington could see the gears turning in his opponents’ heads. “Yes, yes, seven-deuce makes me fol- - - whu whu WHA?? R-R-Raise? Zuh?!” That’s right, Paddington thought. OR DID I JUST BLOW YOUR MIND?
Thirteen minutes later, Paddington went bust after a series of comically bad calls. Even an emergency change to
http://secure.netsolhost.com/175761.177880/Merchant2/graphics/00000001/Misdeal-Small-White%20w%20SALE%20Cap.jpg
From poker-dude.com: This shirt displays the phrase "IF YOU MISDEAL, I'LL MAKE YOU SQUEAL!" It is intended to poke fun at the person who has a problem dealing cards due to too much alcohol or just plain stupidity! It will get everyone at the poker table laughing even harder when someone actually misdeals!
didn’t help. Not even the threat of physical violence could persuade the dealers to throw him a bone.
Later that night, after his
http://secure.netsolhost.com/175761.177880/Merchant2/graphics/00000001/All%20In%20w%20Ladies-Small-White%20w%20Caption.jpg
From poker-dude.com: This shirt displays the phrase "I GO ALL IN WITH THE LADIES." It is meant to have dual meaning: 1.) It is common to go "all in" with two queens in Texas Hold'em and 2.)We will let you figure this one out!
and even his
http://secure.netsolhost.com/175761.177880/Merchant2/graphics/00000001/Short%20Stack%20Wife-Small-White%20w%20Caption.jpg
From poker-dude.com: This shirt displays the phrase "I MAY BE SHORT STACKED, BUT MY WIFE IS A 36 DD." It illustrates a short stack of poker chips and a woman silhouette with a big chest.
shirts couldn’t get him any action on the rail, he wandered into the Rio bar to drown his sorrows, adorned in his sixth and final poker-dude.com shirt
http://secure.netsolhost.com/175761.177880/Merchant2/graphics/00000001/Aces%20&%20Beer-Small-Black%20w%20Caption.jpg
From poker-dude.com: This shirt dispalys the phrase "POKER ACES & BEER...MY BEST FRIENDS." It was created for the Texas Hold'em player who covets pocket aces and loves beer. Shirt displays the best pocket hand in Hold'em (2 Aces) and a mug of beer -- what more could someone ask for?
It was the shirt Paddington was born to wear as he A) coveted pocket aces and B) had a raging alcohol problem. His shirt caught the eye of a portly gentleman sitting two stools down. He offered to buy Paddington a beer, and as he downed it, he told the man his sob story. He finished with “I thought I was gonna be a Poker Champ, but I’m just a Poker Chump!” and couldn’t help but chuckle at his own cleverness. The man looked him over and said, “Kid, you’re gonna go places” and handed him a business card.
Ted Brogan, Founder and Operator, poker-dudes.com. The card featured a crudely-drawn image of a man holding what appeared to be pocket aces.
http://secure.netsolhost.com/175761.177880/Merchant2/graphics/00000001/Texas%20Holdem-small-Black%20w%20Caption.jpg
From poker-dude.com: This shirt is a must for the Texas Hold'em poker enthusiast. It displays the phrase "TEXAS HOLD'EM POKER...A MINUTE TO LEARN, A LIFETIME TO MASTER." It illustrates an Ace and King also know as "Big Slick" in Texas Hold'em poker.
Ahhhhh yeah. Oh what’s that, Doyle? You wanna raise my blind? Well you better think twice, sucka, cuz I play capital T- Texas holdem! Or can you not read my shirt? And it takes a lifetime to master, so [censored] you grampa, because with shirts like these you know I’m almost there.
Paddington’s plan started working perfectly as soon as he sat down. He could sense the fear in the other players, which they tried to disguise in muffled laughter and sarcastic remarks. Haha, even the dealer’s scared, Paddington thought. Heh, she’s even grabbing other dealers and discreetly pointing at me because she’s so scared. Check and mate.
Unfortunately, Paddington got off to a slow start, losing over 95% of his chips in the first level of play. No problem, he thought, Q10s isn’t going to lose every time. He had brought along 6 shirts, one for each day of play, but he’d just have to bump the schedule up a bit. During the first break, he headed up to his room and threw on this beauty
http://secure.netsolhost.com/175761.177880/Merchant2/graphics/00000001/Pocket%20Rockets-Small-White%20w%20SALE%20Cap.jpg
From poker-dude.com: This shirt illustrates two aces as rockets resting in a fake (printed) shirt pocket. It is meant to symbolize the catch phrase "Pocket Rockets" which signifies the best pocket hand in Texas Hold'em poker.
He came back to the table and sat in the dealer’s chair before the dealer patiently pointed out his assigned seat. He sat there, hands locked behind his head, leaned back with his chest puffed out, a satisfied smile on his simple face. The other players reacted in the only possible way to seeing a grown man sporting twin drawn-on dildos on his chest: a comically exaggerated rubbing of the eyes. "And the pieces," Paddington thought, "fall into place."
Over the next few hours, he went on an incredible rush. Q5s, J7s, if it was suited, he was getting in there and doubling up. Finally, after busting two players in one hand with an improbable 1 card straight flush, he was second in chips at his table. With the blinds at 200-400, and just a few minutes until the end of play for the day, Phil Helmuth, who had been moved to Paddington’s table, made it 1200 to go utg. Paddinton looked down and saw a King-Ten. OF DIAMONDS. Were the dealers betting on him or something? He looked down at his chips, stared at Phil for a second or two, and pushed in all his chips, making it 78,000 to go, a textbook move. The other players quickly folded, and Phil called, flipping over black kings. Paddington had watched enough poker on tv to know the percentages. “Let’s race” he announced to the table, furiously flicking the thumb of each hand against its neighboring index, flipping imaginary coins. With a final board of K 9 3 J Q, Phil was out and, in an unbelievable poker longshot more impressive than Doyle Brunson’s 9 bracelets, Dan Harrington’s back to back final tables, or Kathy Leibert once deadlifting 500 lbs., Paddington was the chip leader after the first day of the WSOP. Phil stormed away from the table, yelling “Shows up with a King-Ten!” before going backstage, kicking over a cart full of water bottles, and giving his exit interview to “Mean” Gene Okerland. That night Paddington slept the sleep of the just, secure that he, and his t-shirts, would be on the top of their game tomorrow.
He showed up the next morning sporting the mother of all psyche-outs
http://secure.netsolhost.com/175761.177880/Merchant2/graphics/00000001/Seven%20Deuce-Small-Black%20w%20Caption.jpg
From poker-dude.com: This shirt displays the phrase " SEVEN, DEUCE MAKES ME RAISE." As seven, deuce is the worst pocket hand in Texas Hold'em, this shirt is meant to be humerous. It will be the topic of conversation at your next Texas Hold'em tournament.
Oh, the shirt was a topic of conversation indeed. Paddington could see the gears turning in his opponents’ heads. “Yes, yes, seven-deuce makes me fol- - - whu whu WHA?? R-R-Raise? Zuh?!” That’s right, Paddington thought. OR DID I JUST BLOW YOUR MIND?
Thirteen minutes later, Paddington went bust after a series of comically bad calls. Even an emergency change to
http://secure.netsolhost.com/175761.177880/Merchant2/graphics/00000001/Misdeal-Small-White%20w%20SALE%20Cap.jpg
From poker-dude.com: This shirt displays the phrase "IF YOU MISDEAL, I'LL MAKE YOU SQUEAL!" It is intended to poke fun at the person who has a problem dealing cards due to too much alcohol or just plain stupidity! It will get everyone at the poker table laughing even harder when someone actually misdeals!
didn’t help. Not even the threat of physical violence could persuade the dealers to throw him a bone.
Later that night, after his
http://secure.netsolhost.com/175761.177880/Merchant2/graphics/00000001/All%20In%20w%20Ladies-Small-White%20w%20Caption.jpg
From poker-dude.com: This shirt displays the phrase "I GO ALL IN WITH THE LADIES." It is meant to have dual meaning: 1.) It is common to go "all in" with two queens in Texas Hold'em and 2.)We will let you figure this one out!
and even his
http://secure.netsolhost.com/175761.177880/Merchant2/graphics/00000001/Short%20Stack%20Wife-Small-White%20w%20Caption.jpg
From poker-dude.com: This shirt displays the phrase "I MAY BE SHORT STACKED, BUT MY WIFE IS A 36 DD." It illustrates a short stack of poker chips and a woman silhouette with a big chest.
shirts couldn’t get him any action on the rail, he wandered into the Rio bar to drown his sorrows, adorned in his sixth and final poker-dude.com shirt
http://secure.netsolhost.com/175761.177880/Merchant2/graphics/00000001/Aces%20&%20Beer-Small-Black%20w%20Caption.jpg
From poker-dude.com: This shirt dispalys the phrase "POKER ACES & BEER...MY BEST FRIENDS." It was created for the Texas Hold'em player who covets pocket aces and loves beer. Shirt displays the best pocket hand in Hold'em (2 Aces) and a mug of beer -- what more could someone ask for?
It was the shirt Paddington was born to wear as he A) coveted pocket aces and B) had a raging alcohol problem. His shirt caught the eye of a portly gentleman sitting two stools down. He offered to buy Paddington a beer, and as he downed it, he told the man his sob story. He finished with “I thought I was gonna be a Poker Champ, but I’m just a Poker Chump!” and couldn’t help but chuckle at his own cleverness. The man looked him over and said, “Kid, you’re gonna go places” and handed him a business card.
Ted Brogan, Founder and Operator, poker-dudes.com. The card featured a crudely-drawn image of a man holding what appeared to be pocket aces.