Confronting Strangers

[The Dude]

So I'm watching a movie tonight, and in the row behind me, on the edge next to the aisle, there's a young couple with a 5 year old daughter. She spends the first 45 mins of the film intermitantly making noise and letting everybody know she doesn't want to stay in her seat. She then spends the next 30 minutes hopping around in her seat, rolling down the steps on the side, and running back and forth across the aisleway in front.

So finally I got up and talked to the father, who was quite obviously offended and got very defensive. I don't really want to get into the gist of the conversation we had in the theatre or afterwords when they approached me about it, but I do have a question for you guys.

Why is it so hard to confront a stranger? I'm not a shy person at all, and I don't fear confrontation. But I sat in my seat at least 20 minutes longer than I had resolved to confront them. Generally, I think everybody wants to mind their own business, but when a confrontation is appropriate, why do we put it off as much as we absolutely can?

[thatpfunk]

I hope you asked for your money back from the theater.

[brassnuts]

Confronting strangers about their own family can be a really touchy situation. I might have just complained to someone who works for the theater. I've never done this, though, and don't know how they usually respond to complaints about other viewers. That all said, I really hate parents that don't control their children in theaters, or in any place for that matter.

[eric5148]

This is why I don't go to movie theatres unless I REALLY fucking want to see a movie. And also why I'd shoot myself if I ever had kids.

[The Dude]

[ QUOTE ]
I hope you asked for your money back from the theater.

[/ QUOTE ]
No, I don't think the theatre did anything wrong. If I wanted to see the movie again, I wouldn't be opposed to asking the theatre for another ticket, but since I'm not then I won't.

[nolanfan34]

Two reasons I think. One, most people instinctively try to use confrontation as a last resort. But the other reason is, you'll take that extra 20 minutes because you want to think the best of humanity, and you hope the parents will wake up and shut up their kid before you're tempted to tear some arms out of sockets.

I think parents with kids get the benefit of the doubt that extra time as strangers, because it's embarassing to watch someone who can't control their kids in public. We were at Dennys the other night and there was a mom with like 4 kids, who were climbing all over the booth, hitting each other with menus, taking off their shirts, crawling under the table, etc. And she just sat there and did NOTHING. Pissed me off.

[nolanfan34]

Oh, and what was the movie? Because parents who take kids that age to see movies that they CLEARLY will have no interest in, is another of my moviegoing pet peeves.

[TStoneMBD]

by confronting them, you know that they may think you are essentially telling them they are bad parents. its probably pretty obvious that they either dont know how, or cant do anything about their daughters noise. if thats the case they should certainly leave.

you dont want to confront them because you dont want to go out of your way to pick a fight. even though you know you wouldnt be a jerk for telling them to control their daughter, they will see you as that and you want people to like you.

besides, the daughter may stop and you want to give it a chance because the longer you wait, the less of a jerk they will think you are.

[eric5148]

[ QUOTE ]
We were at Dennys the other night and there was a mom with like 4 kids, who were climbing all over the booth, hitting each other with menus, taking off their shirts, crawling under the table, etc. And she just sat there and did NOTHING. Pissed me off.

[/ QUOTE ]

You were at Denny's. Wtf did you expect to see? The Cosby's?

[[censored]]

I would guess it is just a general fear of the unknown about where the situation will go.

A lot depends on what you mean by confront. If you were polite and simply explained that you were having trouble enjoying the film then there probably wasn't much reason to worry. However if you confronted in a way that backed the guy into a corner of either looking bad infront of his family or having to esculate with you, then yes I could see why you would be somewhat worried.

[IQ89]

[ QUOTE ]
...but when a confrontation is appropriate, why do we put it off as much as we absolutely can?

[/ QUOTE ]

Fear.

[BoxTree]

[ QUOTE ]
This is why I don't go to movie theatres unless they have an age requirement (usually 13 for PG-13 movies).

[/ QUOTE ]

FYP, in a totally not humorous way.

[The Dude]

[ QUOTE ]
Oh, and what was the movie? Because parents who take kids that age to see movies that they CLEARLY will have no interest in, is another of my moviegoing pet peeves.


[/ QUOTE ]
It's much worse. We saw "Unleashed." No five year old should be watching that movie.

[nothumb]

I don't know, I can think of two very easy ways to handle this.

1. Without getting out of your seat, simply say loudly, "Control that little brat or I'm gonna stuff her in a wastebasket." Only try this if you are a big dude.

2. The more civilized option is a very simple, short conversation:

You: "Excuse me sir, could you please get your daughter to settle down or remove her from the theater? She's disturbing everyone here."

He might say, "Okay, sorry," in which case you're done. If he says anything else, you say:

"Whatever, sir, if you can't teach your child to behave in public I'm going to complain to the manager."

Not so hard.

EDIT: I'm guessing you tried to have a civilized conversation with the guy or debate it with him or something, or else you were indirect. People that have no manners or social skills are not the type of people to engage in a civil discussion with. Give him a warning and then have them thrown out. Save your breath.

NT

[daryn]

please elaborate on the convo you had.. i'm serious

[TStoneMBD]

this is why i wear steel-toe lugz every time i go to the theater.

[The Dude]

No, it wasn't hard, and I wasn't afraid of confronting them. And yet I sat there much longer than I should have, perhaps because I was hoping that they would control her w/o me having to get up. But after over an hour, it was clear things weren't going to change. Why I waited longer then, I can't tell you.

[nothumb]

[ QUOTE ]
this is why i wear steel-toe lugz every time i go to the theater.

[/ QUOTE ]

How many loud, obnoxious five-year-olds...

NT

[bernie]

Because you don't know what they're capable of.

You were probably much nicer than I would've been. Movies cost alot to see now. I don't pay to hear some brat behind me.

If they approached me afterward, I'd tell them in detail exactly what I thought. Selfish pieces of sh*t.

b

[CrashPat]

Was the mother there?

If so, obviously the answer is put it in her pooper.

I go to so few movies that I've never had this problem. Usually I either go to a violent film opening night or after it is in the cheap seats, either way I never seem to see children. If I did and they annoyed me I'm not sure what I'd do, I'm sure it would be involve annoying said child's parental units though.

[daveymck]

When you have kids this gets worse as you end up at movies etc with kids more often. Generally turning round and looking is enough, if not I then look round and make a huge show of sighing or whatever diplay of annoyance and generally its enough.

I was at the panto with my daughter and the lads behind were older and kept putting their feet on the seats and stuff and so my daughter was scared to sit in her seat, then I just turned and asked then not to put their feet up and that stopped it.

But some parents dont care or cos they have kids around them all the time can be oblivious to the disruption that kids not sitting still can cause to others.

Its hard to go up and speak though cos they are either going to apologize and sort it or act angrily and defensively, or the worst they say sorry but two minutes later the kid is doing the same things again.

[jakethebake]

1) Next time don't expect quiet in The Care Bears Movie.

2) Was everyone at least giving them the SSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH? I usually give them the Sssshhhhhh a few times before I go find a manager or something to confront them.

[Chris Daddy Cool]

This kind of reminds me of that scene in Fight Club where he tells the members to pick fights with totally random strangers. Then the members do the best they can to get their asses kicked, but the strangers, despite getting harrassed, try to avoid the confrontations at all costs.

[Bluffoon]

[ QUOTE ]
So I'm watching a movie tonight, and in the row behind me, on the edge next to the aisle, there's a young couple with a 5 year old daughter. She spends the first 45 mins of the film intermitantly making noise and letting everybody know she doesn't want to stay in her seat. She then spends the next 30 minutes hopping around in her seat, rolling down the steps on the side, and running back and forth across the aisleway in front.

So finally I got up and talked to the father, who was quite obviously offended and got very defensive. I don't really want to get into the gist of the conversation we had in the theatre or afterwords when they approached me about it, but I do have a question for you guys.

Why is it so hard to confront a stranger? I'm not a shy person at all, and I don't fear confrontation. But I sat in my seat at least 20 minutes longer than I had resolved to confront them. Generally, I think everybody wants to mind their own business, but when a confrontation is appropriate, why do we put it off as much as we absolutely can?

[/ QUOTE ]

Because being assertive can be difficult to pull off. Confrontations are tense, uncomfortable and unpredictable and it is often easier (and wiser) to just suck it up.

[rlpsjstyle]

Being a former movie theatre employee, I can at least address what I did when people complained about their fellow movie-goers.

The complainer needed only to say something to me and I would speak with the offenders. I would tell the offender that I (myself, not other customers in the theatre) had heard the situation and that they had one chance to keep the situation under control. If I heard anything myself or had any other customers complain after that fact, they would be removed from the theatre and refunded their money.

I would then check back periodically. If the situation did not improve, I would follow up on what I told them. They would be escorted to the box office to refund their money. Management, if it were to be called, always backed up the decisions of the staff in this regard. The people removed from the theatre could always return for a later show or a show on another day.

Oh, and the cops find it very entertaining to come to the movie theatre and settle "squabbles" in my area, so if things get out of hand, that is always an option.

For myself, through working in a place where I often had to confront and follow through with things others may view as threats, I have very little problem with it anymore. The most important thing to keep in mind is to state exactly what your problem is with a minimum of blame. It gets much easier with time and practice.

Hope it helped.

[Phat Mack]

[ QUOTE ]
Why is it so hard to confront a stranger? I'm not a shy person at all, and I don't fear confrontation. But I sat in my seat at least 20 minutes longer than I had resolved to confront them.

[/ QUOTE ]

You were in a bad situation. You waited 20 minutes too long, maybe longer, to address the situation. Stuff builds up when you wait, and in any kind of confrontation, the first person to lose their cool loses.

And you were asking them to control their kid, something they couldn't or wouldn't do. It was unlikely that they didn't notice the kid was being a brat. Some parents don't believe in controlling their kids, some don't know how to control them, and sometimes 5-year-olds just can't be controlled.

I would have tried a dirty look the first time I heard a peep out of her, then I would have looked for a better seat. Failing that, I would have found the management.

[quadzilla]

When it's someone else's kids it is difficult. If it was a loud group of teenagers or adults would it have been tough? It depends on the situation but, if someone is old enough to know better I have no problem confronting them.

A few years ago I was at the bad Ben Stiller flick "Mystery Men". There was a group of teenagers in the back talking and carrying on. Less than a minute in I heard a guy approach them and tell them to, "Shut the [censored] up." They didn't quiet down so he grabbed a fire extinguisher and blasted the with it.

This is the correct play.

[bump]

Phat Mack,
This is a really stupid comment:

[ QUOTE ]
Stuff builds up when you wait, and in any kind of confrontation, the first person to lose their cool loses

[/ QUOTE ]

If you are ever going to fight the best advice is to throw the first punch (which is related to losing your cool first)

Also, in response to the recent gun violence thread, the first person to lose their cool in a gun fight almost always is the winner.


In fact, it is more difficult to think of situations where the person losing his cool first wins.

Maybe an example would be in the recent LHE thread about the guy getting hit over the head with a bottle (100 years ago he would have shot you! (http://forumserver.twoplustwo.com/showflat.php?Cat=&Number=2448234&page=0&view=colla psed&sb=5&o=365&fpart=1) .) The villain certaintly lost his cool first and although he was arrested I would say that the hero, by virtue of being knocked out, also certaintly lost.

Just wanted to point out that you were way off on that comment...

[stankybank]

to avoid confrontation? basically, the less drama the better.

[Kurn, son of Mogh]

1. Without getting out of your seat, simply say loudly, "Control that little brat or I'm gonna stuff her in a wastebasket." Only try this if you are a big dude.

Ummm, as frustrating as the situation is, this is, in effect, you threatening a child. Somehow I doubt you're really do this.