SlackerMcFly
05-22-2005, 12:20 AM
Okay, so this may belong in OOT. I am a Noob (first post) and have been a "lurker" for a couple of months. I have learned way more about poker than I deserve or have a right to know from this forum. You regular posters have made me a poker fan (and a small profit) in the past couple of months.
SuitedSixes is to blame/thank for my foray into money SNGs, so I have taken liberty. Some of the other regulars have enriched my poker life and stimulated my imagination with their comments, trip reports and posts.
Thanks to you all for helping me attain (current) 37% ITM / 11% ROI since February. Just $11's and $22s mostly with a few flyers for giggles and less than 500 SNG's as a sample. Currently in a "variance" funk, the profit will return.... In any case, you all have helped me gain a love for this game!
So.... Read if you will and my apologies for the long post.
It was almost 6:00pm on a Friday. In fact, it was exactly Brunson six when I rolled up to the Forum Bar on Broadway. Weary from a week of Dolly Partons, I was looking forward to drinking and gamboooling it up with my 10-4s. Just a little sore from the ride, I got off of my pocket rocket and limped in to the foyer.
The sign on the door read “Poooosh”, another said “No Checks”.
This has to be the place.
I opened the door and checked it out. Looking around at the full house, I noticed it was Grampers and Pampers night. 40% of the crowd was over 70, the other 1/3 was under 20. Math was never my strong suit, but it seemed +EV to me.
Weaving through the crowd to the bar I noticed Sixes all dressed up. He was suited! Overdressed IMHO. I sat down next to him anyway and ordered a Yugo from the perky barmaid.
A tad short-stacked, she was as cute as a button in her cut-off shirt. She slid two Heinekens my way, but the bar was a little slick and I only caught one. 1/3 of my order crashed to the floor. Told you I was bad at math.
Sixes laughed and ordered a 77 along with another Yugo for me. He is weak-tight with the wallet, so I paid for the round. Now with 1.5 Yugos and a buddy to chat with, I was feeling better. In fact, my math was improving!
Just then one of the Pampers tried to leap onto the bar stool, missed his mark and hit his set on the rail. “Bwaahaahaaaa” he cried in pain as he tried to stand. No use. He doubled-up, his knees folded like a K-Mart lawn chair and he flopped to the floor like a fish. The impact to his big stack had sucked-out his strength.
“Won’t be any Bad Uncle Larry for that boy tonight”, I said to Sixes.
“Yep, definitely got the Nutz.” he replied.
In his struggle to get up, Pamper Boy dropped a bag of Shibby. Scooping the pot, he finally did get to his feet and gingerly sat down to my right. He called Perky the Barmaid over and asked for a bag of ice and a Dell 2100 so he could multi-table without moving.
Leaning over far enough to rub her Paris Hiltons on the bar, Perky said with a leer: “You play poker?? Poker is niiice… I like to play poker.”
His face was flush, but Pamper was in no shape at this point to hope for a Perky lay-down and was 51:1 odds to consider pushing all-in. “Meh, I’ll just have a Diet Coke and a Diet Pepsi to go with the ice. Thanks anyway for showing the over pair, Perky.”
“Maybe you could use Eastbay’s tool tonight?” I suggested.
That did it. We all busted out laughing and ordered yet another round of drinks. Let’s see, that would be 1 Yugo consumed, leaving one Heineken on the bar and 2 on the way. My math was definitely improving.
About that time, Ziegfield and Roy sashayed in holding hands and went straight (can they do that?) for the restrooms. A pair of Cowboys across the room whistled loudly at the Queens and commented how nice they looked in their ducks and tights.
Looking a little confused at their options in the hallway they hesitated for a second, then chose the Sit-N-Go stalls.
By then I could float a boat, (what with the drinks and all). Time to cash in my liquid assets and re-buy me thinks. I head for the head and play a little trough hockey with the air-freshener for exercise. I was a 3:2 favorite against the porcelain in my mind, but lost when the “puck” went on tilt, got stuck and refused to move. No, not in the SNG room…..
On my way back to the bar, Ziegfield and Roy were at the luck-box trying to decide on a tune. I plugged in a couple of quarters and pushed J5 twice. Motown was soon wafting over the crowd and everyone seemed happy, even the Grampers. One of them stopped me at his table and asked if he should fold 77. I told him to play any combination of cards like these that were more than his age, but it Depends. He folded.
Some commotion was happening near the ATM machine. I wandered over to find what looked like bunch of doctors playing Twister. Turns out there was one Irieguy getting rich teaching the others how to play Chinese poker. It was Greek to me and I’m not a doctor, so I continued on……
Sixes (still suited, but somewhat disheveled), had found a seat at a lively NL ring game full of Pampers and was UTG with our new young friend on the button. A quick calculation by me concluded that by sitting down, Sixes raised the median age at the table to blackjack. Now if I take a seat, it would be more like the speed limit. But I’m not good at math.
I take a chair just to make the nose-hair free crowd uncomfortable. Perky jiggles over with my remaining Yugo and some chips. Chips, a seat, two beers…….I am soooo ready to play cards.
Very first hand I’m dealt AhAd in the SB. I only play red Aces (black ones never win). I calmly place my card protector (a tube of Pimple Cream for effect) on my cards and wait for the betting.
All players have t800
6 handed. 2 folds to the t100 BB.
UTG folds
Button bets 2BB
Hero raises 2BB (AhAd)
BB calls
Pot: t1050 (what the hell is the t all about anyway?)
Flop: 2d, Kc, As
Hero bets t350 (all-in)
“wtf?????” says BB
BB folds
Button says: “Bwahaahaa, he’s got nothing. Bluffer, bluffer…….Ship it Biatch!.....LOL” (he actually said LOL out loud here)
Button calls t350
Turn: 5s
River: 5h
Final result: BB collects t1750 Balance t1950 (four 5’s) 5h,5d,5s,5c, 2d, Kc, As
Hero – lost t800 Balance 0 (Full house Aces and 5’s) Ah, Ad, As, Kc, 2d, 5s, 5h
I’m not good at math, so the converter probably won’t work………
I felt somehow……un-clean….. Talk about tilt! Only I had no chips left to toss about or push all-in waking up to any two cards. In fact, the dealer pushed my chips to BB and mucked my cards so quickly that I never noticed he also palmed my Pimple Cream.
I had already drained the last of the remaining Heineken so I was left with: No Chips, No Cards, No FE, No EV, No Beer, No ITM, No ROI, No ROFLMAO (except for BB’s maniacal Bwaahaaa continuation), No Biatches, No Avatar and No $$$.
Had this been an online game, I would have closed all tables, deleted all HHs, run Disk Cleanup, deleted all Internet files (cookies and history included), de-fragmented my hard-drive and downloaded the latest virus protection files. After a full virus scan, I would have uninstalled all poker related programs and reset the system to a full-restore point prior to ever downloading PP, Empire, Poker Stars, Full-Tilt or Joe’sCrabShack GamboolingAllinPokerGods.
After that, I would consider a clean re-install of XP depending on how late it was and how many Yugos I had consumed that hour. On second thought, perhaps it would be best to just fold and buy a Mac.
My only real outs at that point would probably be:
A. Moving back into my mom’s basement under the mobile home and going back to working at the Comic Book store during the day and delivering pizzas at night. Paying rake-back on tips to my neighbor for using his Mini-van is –EV, but it’s a living.
B. Q: Hero?
But this was a live game, and the sum of the cards Button held were 2 years more than his age (less than ½ of mine). I’m not good at math, so I said “Nice hand”, then “Good Game”, then “Good Luck All” (for no good reason). I smoothly stood up from the table (something Pamper Boy still couldn’t do without wincing) and made my way back to Perky at the bar.
Pamper couldn’t raise it up, but I thought maybe I could convince Perky to join me and come over the top after my string bet. She wouldn’t complete, so I never did see her in the bluff. Still no Biatches!
“SkipperBob” said the Gramper on my left. “There will be others…..”
“My name is not BOB” I said. “But thanks for the advice.”
Sixes (now not really suited – he was missing his coat and had loosened his tie), bought me .5 Yugos with his remaining cash. I thanked him for the beer and he left to re-join the giggling mass of pre-pubescent poker stars. Grampers #1 came by to offer condolences and a ride home if I needed one. Judging from the thickness of his glasses, I decided he was Big time Blind so I declined.
Bad beat and all, it was a great evening at the Forum Bar and Holla Torture center.
Besides, having never actually played in a “live” poker game to date, this is how my imagination constructed it. That is not to mean that it hasn’t actually happened on-line to somebody somewhere…….
I would have called Sixes the next morning and asked how his night went after I left.
My guess is he would have said: “You know John……. I just don’t remember.”
SuitedSixes is to blame/thank for my foray into money SNGs, so I have taken liberty. Some of the other regulars have enriched my poker life and stimulated my imagination with their comments, trip reports and posts.
Thanks to you all for helping me attain (current) 37% ITM / 11% ROI since February. Just $11's and $22s mostly with a few flyers for giggles and less than 500 SNG's as a sample. Currently in a "variance" funk, the profit will return.... In any case, you all have helped me gain a love for this game!
So.... Read if you will and my apologies for the long post.
It was almost 6:00pm on a Friday. In fact, it was exactly Brunson six when I rolled up to the Forum Bar on Broadway. Weary from a week of Dolly Partons, I was looking forward to drinking and gamboooling it up with my 10-4s. Just a little sore from the ride, I got off of my pocket rocket and limped in to the foyer.
The sign on the door read “Poooosh”, another said “No Checks”.
This has to be the place.
I opened the door and checked it out. Looking around at the full house, I noticed it was Grampers and Pampers night. 40% of the crowd was over 70, the other 1/3 was under 20. Math was never my strong suit, but it seemed +EV to me.
Weaving through the crowd to the bar I noticed Sixes all dressed up. He was suited! Overdressed IMHO. I sat down next to him anyway and ordered a Yugo from the perky barmaid.
A tad short-stacked, she was as cute as a button in her cut-off shirt. She slid two Heinekens my way, but the bar was a little slick and I only caught one. 1/3 of my order crashed to the floor. Told you I was bad at math.
Sixes laughed and ordered a 77 along with another Yugo for me. He is weak-tight with the wallet, so I paid for the round. Now with 1.5 Yugos and a buddy to chat with, I was feeling better. In fact, my math was improving!
Just then one of the Pampers tried to leap onto the bar stool, missed his mark and hit his set on the rail. “Bwaahaahaaaa” he cried in pain as he tried to stand. No use. He doubled-up, his knees folded like a K-Mart lawn chair and he flopped to the floor like a fish. The impact to his big stack had sucked-out his strength.
“Won’t be any Bad Uncle Larry for that boy tonight”, I said to Sixes.
“Yep, definitely got the Nutz.” he replied.
In his struggle to get up, Pamper Boy dropped a bag of Shibby. Scooping the pot, he finally did get to his feet and gingerly sat down to my right. He called Perky the Barmaid over and asked for a bag of ice and a Dell 2100 so he could multi-table without moving.
Leaning over far enough to rub her Paris Hiltons on the bar, Perky said with a leer: “You play poker?? Poker is niiice… I like to play poker.”
His face was flush, but Pamper was in no shape at this point to hope for a Perky lay-down and was 51:1 odds to consider pushing all-in. “Meh, I’ll just have a Diet Coke and a Diet Pepsi to go with the ice. Thanks anyway for showing the over pair, Perky.”
“Maybe you could use Eastbay’s tool tonight?” I suggested.
That did it. We all busted out laughing and ordered yet another round of drinks. Let’s see, that would be 1 Yugo consumed, leaving one Heineken on the bar and 2 on the way. My math was definitely improving.
About that time, Ziegfield and Roy sashayed in holding hands and went straight (can they do that?) for the restrooms. A pair of Cowboys across the room whistled loudly at the Queens and commented how nice they looked in their ducks and tights.
Looking a little confused at their options in the hallway they hesitated for a second, then chose the Sit-N-Go stalls.
By then I could float a boat, (what with the drinks and all). Time to cash in my liquid assets and re-buy me thinks. I head for the head and play a little trough hockey with the air-freshener for exercise. I was a 3:2 favorite against the porcelain in my mind, but lost when the “puck” went on tilt, got stuck and refused to move. No, not in the SNG room…..
On my way back to the bar, Ziegfield and Roy were at the luck-box trying to decide on a tune. I plugged in a couple of quarters and pushed J5 twice. Motown was soon wafting over the crowd and everyone seemed happy, even the Grampers. One of them stopped me at his table and asked if he should fold 77. I told him to play any combination of cards like these that were more than his age, but it Depends. He folded.
Some commotion was happening near the ATM machine. I wandered over to find what looked like bunch of doctors playing Twister. Turns out there was one Irieguy getting rich teaching the others how to play Chinese poker. It was Greek to me and I’m not a doctor, so I continued on……
Sixes (still suited, but somewhat disheveled), had found a seat at a lively NL ring game full of Pampers and was UTG with our new young friend on the button. A quick calculation by me concluded that by sitting down, Sixes raised the median age at the table to blackjack. Now if I take a seat, it would be more like the speed limit. But I’m not good at math.
I take a chair just to make the nose-hair free crowd uncomfortable. Perky jiggles over with my remaining Yugo and some chips. Chips, a seat, two beers…….I am soooo ready to play cards.
Very first hand I’m dealt AhAd in the SB. I only play red Aces (black ones never win). I calmly place my card protector (a tube of Pimple Cream for effect) on my cards and wait for the betting.
All players have t800
6 handed. 2 folds to the t100 BB.
UTG folds
Button bets 2BB
Hero raises 2BB (AhAd)
BB calls
Pot: t1050 (what the hell is the t all about anyway?)
Flop: 2d, Kc, As
Hero bets t350 (all-in)
“wtf?????” says BB
BB folds
Button says: “Bwahaahaa, he’s got nothing. Bluffer, bluffer…….Ship it Biatch!.....LOL” (he actually said LOL out loud here)
Button calls t350
Turn: 5s
River: 5h
Final result: BB collects t1750 Balance t1950 (four 5’s) 5h,5d,5s,5c, 2d, Kc, As
Hero – lost t800 Balance 0 (Full house Aces and 5’s) Ah, Ad, As, Kc, 2d, 5s, 5h
I’m not good at math, so the converter probably won’t work………
I felt somehow……un-clean….. Talk about tilt! Only I had no chips left to toss about or push all-in waking up to any two cards. In fact, the dealer pushed my chips to BB and mucked my cards so quickly that I never noticed he also palmed my Pimple Cream.
I had already drained the last of the remaining Heineken so I was left with: No Chips, No Cards, No FE, No EV, No Beer, No ITM, No ROI, No ROFLMAO (except for BB’s maniacal Bwaahaaa continuation), No Biatches, No Avatar and No $$$.
Had this been an online game, I would have closed all tables, deleted all HHs, run Disk Cleanup, deleted all Internet files (cookies and history included), de-fragmented my hard-drive and downloaded the latest virus protection files. After a full virus scan, I would have uninstalled all poker related programs and reset the system to a full-restore point prior to ever downloading PP, Empire, Poker Stars, Full-Tilt or Joe’sCrabShack GamboolingAllinPokerGods.
After that, I would consider a clean re-install of XP depending on how late it was and how many Yugos I had consumed that hour. On second thought, perhaps it would be best to just fold and buy a Mac.
My only real outs at that point would probably be:
A. Moving back into my mom’s basement under the mobile home and going back to working at the Comic Book store during the day and delivering pizzas at night. Paying rake-back on tips to my neighbor for using his Mini-van is –EV, but it’s a living.
B. Q: Hero?
But this was a live game, and the sum of the cards Button held were 2 years more than his age (less than ½ of mine). I’m not good at math, so I said “Nice hand”, then “Good Game”, then “Good Luck All” (for no good reason). I smoothly stood up from the table (something Pamper Boy still couldn’t do without wincing) and made my way back to Perky at the bar.
Pamper couldn’t raise it up, but I thought maybe I could convince Perky to join me and come over the top after my string bet. She wouldn’t complete, so I never did see her in the bluff. Still no Biatches!
“SkipperBob” said the Gramper on my left. “There will be others…..”
“My name is not BOB” I said. “But thanks for the advice.”
Sixes (now not really suited – he was missing his coat and had loosened his tie), bought me .5 Yugos with his remaining cash. I thanked him for the beer and he left to re-join the giggling mass of pre-pubescent poker stars. Grampers #1 came by to offer condolences and a ride home if I needed one. Judging from the thickness of his glasses, I decided he was Big time Blind so I declined.
Bad beat and all, it was a great evening at the Forum Bar and Holla Torture center.
Besides, having never actually played in a “live” poker game to date, this is how my imagination constructed it. That is not to mean that it hasn’t actually happened on-line to somebody somewhere…….
I would have called Sixes the next morning and asked how his night went after I left.
My guess is he would have said: “You know John……. I just don’t remember.”