How much is fair? (real life question)

[Cubswin]

OK... quick run-down....

My GF moves back from france Feb 6th and is going to stay with me until she finds a place to live here in DC. Anyway, my roomie, a mutual friend, agrees that she can stay with us without any extra charges or anything... hes a nice guy. But my rommie moves out and i get a replacement roomie April 1st.... i tell the new roomie its a temp situation and ill pay all utility bills (about $200 a month) until the GF finds a place to live. Total rent is $1425 or 712.50 each and the roomie and i are both cool with the situation.

Fast forward to today... the GF has been living with me for 3 months and has given me two checks thus far for a total of $800. Since shes been here ive paid rent for 3 months ($2150ish), utilites for 2 full months ($400), utilties split for 1 month ($100) and about 80% of all grocery costs. Now, i love my GF dearly and i am currently making a bit more money then her BUT i need my space and feel like im getting shafted here.... she has put in a minimal effort to find a place to live while shes has taken 2 trips to new york and 2 to cincy to visit family these past 3 months. am i dick for thinking that she should be paying more??? and if she should be paying more is it worth even bringin g it up?

cubs

Anyway

[Nick B.]

Tell her your roommate is uncomfortable with the situation and wants to know how close she is to finding a place of her own.

[IggyWH]

It depends on how good the kitty is...

So to give you the correct answer, I will be over tomorrow to give her a test drive.

[FrankLu99]

dont ask for more if you do it might make the situation awkward. tell her that you would like to have some more room. help her find a place that is affordable and close.

if she gets mad, kick her to the curb (and maybe toss some money at her to make her feel cheap)

[nolanfan34]

How serious are you guys?

I ask, because if you're already living together and want to keep doing so, then you might as well just suggest that you guys get your own place and split it 50-50. Even after my wife and I got engaged, we still split all costs 50-50 even though we were living together.

If that's not on the horizon, then you have a much tougher situation. And frankly, you've kind of backed yourself into a corner.

Here's what I would do.

Start dropping hints about her getting her own place, but say it's because you want to be able to have more privacy around her, without your roommate around. Say that you can't afford to get your own place, and your roomie can't either, so you don't want to ditch him.

But this turns it on her, so she thinks you're thinking about the time you spend together, and she feels like that's important. Start grabbing apartment rental mags and the like, and point out ones that you like that are semi-close, etc.

You show initiative that way, and it's like the only chance of resolving the situation without offending her too greatly. Even if she thinks you're hinting that she needs to move out, you've packaged it in a way that she should take the subtle hint and not get too offended.

Of course if she's a psycho, then my advice is all moot.

[gorie]

if you don't say anything , even though it is bothering you , it will probably cause some resentment later on...

it's best to just be honest, hopefully she will understand and you guys can work something out.

[CardSharpCook]

You've been living together for what, 3-4 months now? If you ask her to move out it will be a huge step back on your relationship. At the very least, she'll start asking herself if you are really serious about this relationship. More likely it will be the end. Better question, why is it that you want your girlfriend to move out? Perhaps this is indicitive of your feelings for her?

I think that asking her to move out even by way of dropping hints is gonna lead to a really bad "discussion". Is this just a pre-cursor to breaking up with her? Kind of what it sounds like, but what do I know. I am not "with it".

CSC

edit: just did a reread. Sounds more like you are just bothered by finanicial questions, are happy with her living with you, but would like her to be doing more. Sit down and hace a serious financial discussion with her. You know, share your concerns, etc. Relationships are supposed to be partnerships.

[Yobz]

Am I first?

Stick it in her pooper.

[Slacker13]

[ QUOTE ]
am i dick for thinking that she should be paying more???

[/ QUOTE ]
Not at all. your not married therfore I think it should be 50-50.

[ QUOTE ]
and if she should be paying more is it worth even bringin g it up?

[/ QUOTE ]
there lies the tricky part. I was actually in a similar situation once and it ended up in a total splitup of the relationship. It sounds as though you have that married feeling and you don't like it. To me it's a sign that this is not the girl that you want to spend your life with so if you do approach her about paying up (which i would) and she leaves because of it then you know where she stands also.

But then again I am no Dr Phil and could probably get arrested for giving relationship advice.

I would def ask her to ante up though.

[daryn]

</font><blockquote><font class="small">In risposta di:</font><hr />
Am I first?

Stick it in her pooper.

[/ QUOTE ]

this is why OOT sucks.. idiots with no originality. if you honestly think this is funny, you are borderline retarded.

[Stuey]

[ QUOTE ]


In risposta di:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Am I first?

Stick it in her pooper.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



this is why OOT sucks.. idiots with no originality. if you honestly think this is funny, you are borderline retarded.

[/ QUOTE ]

Why the hate?

What are you a borderline genius? Any smarter and you would be a super genius? Do I get my serving of hate now? Bring it. /images/graemlins/wink.gif

[daryn]

it's just stupid that's all. do people really think they are being funny or clever? do what you want, but i'm just commenting on it.

[ethan]

[ QUOTE ]
Tell her your roommate is uncomfortable with the situation and wants to know how close she is to finding a place of her own.

[/ QUOTE ]

Blaming the roommate is definitely the way to go here. You should figure out what you're going to say if she says "we should just get a place together then." It may not come up, but if it does you don't want to have to ad-lib that one.

[Stuey]

Yah I'm not looking for a fight or anything. I'm just thinking bro was having fun, relaxed typed the first thing he thought of and wham. Along comes mighty daryn to put him in his place.

Plus I wanted to use my cheesy genius line. It's stupid but it makes me happy for some reason. /images/graemlins/grin.gif

[bernie]

[ QUOTE ]
OK... quick run-down....

My GF moves back from france Feb 6th and is going to stay with me until she finds a place to live here in DC.

[/ QUOTE ]

This is all I really needed to read. My first thought when I read this line was, "She's staying."

You didn't see this coming? How often do you hear of one person moving in with their b/f or g/f so they can then turn around and move out? It just doesn't happen(other than rare occurrences). It's opposite of the whole dating procession. It's also very awkward to the dating procession. It makes it take a big stutterstep.

You should've at least noticed this going into the 2nd month. It isn't that hard to find an apartment. You bring it up now, you'll likely break up. It's been too long and she's likely settled in.

Although, I really like CSC's answer also.

good stuff (http://forumserver.twoplustwo.com/showthreaded.php?Cat=&amp;Number=2384038&amp;page=0&amp;view=c ollapsed&amp;sb=5&amp;o=31&amp;vc=1)

Good luck.

b

[bernie]

[ QUOTE ]
How serious are you guys?

I ask, because if you're already living together and want to keep doing so, then you might as well just suggest that you guys get your own place and split it 50-50. Even after my wife and I got engaged, we still split all costs 50-50 even though we were living together.

If that's not on the horizon, then you have a much tougher situation. And frankly, you've kind of backed yourself into a corner.

Here's what I would do.

Start dropping hints about her getting her own place, but say it's because you want to be able to have more privacy around her, without your roommate around. Say that you can't afford to get your own place, and your roomie can't either, so you don't want to ditch him.

But this turns it on her, so she thinks you're thinking about the time you spend together, and she feels like that's important. Start grabbing apartment rental mags and the like, and point out ones that you like that are semi-close, etc.

You show initiative that way, and it's like the only chance of resolving the situation without offending her too greatly. Even if she thinks you're hinting that she needs to move out, you've packaged it in a way that she should take the subtle hint and not get too offended.

Of course if she's a psycho, then my advice is all moot.

[/ QUOTE ]

I agree except about dropping hints. Just tell her the deal. Don't baby it. It's been 3 months. You want to go through this for 3 more?

b

[InchoateHand]

1/3 is fair. At this point, its the only solution. I make 50% of my significant other, we have lived together for years, I pay half. (And I use 2/3).

[bernie]

[ QUOTE ]
You've been living together for what, 3-4 months now? If you ask her to move out it will be a huge step back on your relationship. At the very least, she'll start asking herself if you are really serious about this relationship. More likely it will be the end. Better question, why is it that you want your girlfriend to move out? Perhaps this is indicitive of your feelings for her?

I think that asking her to move out even by way of dropping hints is gonna lead to a really bad "discussion". Is this just a pre-cursor to breaking up with her? Kind of what it sounds like, but what do I know. I am not "with it".

CSC

edit: just did a reread. Sounds more like you are just bothered by finanicial questions, are happy with her living with you, but would like her to be doing more. Sit down and hace a serious financial discussion with her. You know, share your concerns, etc. Relationships are supposed to be partnerships.

[/ QUOTE ]

[bernie]

[ QUOTE ]
But then again I am no Dr Phil and could probably get arrested for giving relationship advice

[/ QUOTE ]

Dr Phil should be arrested for giving relationship advice. The spineless 'tard. He makes me want to puke.

b

[bosoxfan]

ask you roommate if it's ok to blame him. If he's alright with it you have your out. just say your roommate isn't comfortable with the situation and offer to help her find a place.

[jackdaniels]

[ QUOTE ]
ask you roommate if it's ok to blame him. If he's alright with it you have your out. just say your roommate isn't comfortable with the situation and offer to help her find a place.

[/ QUOTE ]

This is a very temporary solution, and it does nothing at all to solve the bigger problem here: communication.

If you think this girl is worthy of being your partner for the forseeable (sp?) future, you must be comfortable discussing these things with her. Don't worry about sugar coating it and don't worry about finding ways to remain the "good guy". If you spill your heart to her (same way you did in this thread), you might be surprised to find that she understands completely and will voluntarily share in the expenses.

[fnord_too]

I haven't read the whole thread but I think if you have been living together for 3 months now, the chances are pretty good that you will be living with your gf the entire time she is your gf. I could be dead wrong here, but that is just my gut reaction. Obviously it is a serious relationship, and my suspicion is that from her point of view since you have lived together for three months living together is the stage the relationship is now at. It is awfully hard to downgrade once you get to that status IMO. (I got there once (at 30) and ended up married. Not complaining, I'm happily married, but that should put my oppinion in perspective, that is, that it is not based on a wealth of personal experience.) I think sometime about the two month mark is when, for a lot of women, it would cease to be viewed as a temporary thing, maybe even sooner.

[fnord_too]

[ QUOTE ]
ask you roommate if it's ok to blame him. If he's alright with it you have your out. just say your roommate isn't comfortable with the situation and offer to help her find a place.

[/ QUOTE ]

This sounds like the best tact I have read so far if you don't want to be living with the woman. But as another poster observed, be prepared for the "Why don't we just find a place together" line. Definitely get buy in from your roomate if you are going to be using him as a lever, since presumably they he and your gf can/do/will talk when you aren't home.

[mostsmooth]

[ QUOTE ]
Tell her your roommate is uncomfortable with the situation and wants to know how close she is to finding a place of her own.

[/ QUOTE ]
yes, lying is always the first option!

[sublime]

no matter what you decide yo do, the truth ALWAYS works out better in the long run.

[mostsmooth]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
Am I first?

Stick it in her pooper.

[/ QUOTE ]

this is why OOT sucks.. idiots with no originality. if you honestly think this is funny, you are borderline retarded.

[/ QUOTE ]
fwiw, most of the threads in this forum are stupid/retarded, and the posts follow suit