My turn for girl advice. Confusing/Mixed signals lead to ruin [Archive]

shadow29

05-01-2005, 10:44 PM

So I'm at this party a few weeks ago and my friend (the girl) starts hanging out with me. We're sitting on a couch, listening to the music and chilling. She is not drunk. I've had like one Jack and Coke, so I'm not misinterpeting anything. I put my arm around her, she snuggles in and we start talking. Then, a bunch of us go to her place for a little while and we hang out there and have a good time. (No hookups or anything; I want a bit more from this relationship than just one night).

So the next week I ask her out for lunch. We go to this sandwhich shop and talk. I blow it once (she asks why I'm taking her out and I fumble). But other than that, it went well.

So Friday night we're hanging out after moving a friend into an apartment. We're the only two left. We have a nice conversation and have some good disclosure (blow it again and miss an opportunity to tell her I'd like to see her), but she tells me that she's looking for a boyfriend b/c her love life hasn't been very interesting in the last few months. I, of course, make sex jokes. Probably not the best idea, but it seemed right at the time (after a couple beers).

So tonight, I see she's on AIM and I want to talk to her a bit and then ask her out for lunch (prelude to a dinner date). But I don't ask her out because she gives short replies and often takes 5 minutes or more to respond and then only with a "haha" or something. I didn't want to ask her out again if she's not interested because I have to see her every day and we're friends and I'd rather not mess that up.

So what's the deal? Is she playing "hard to get" or whatever? Or is she not interested?

istewart

05-01-2005, 10:45 PM

The correct move is clearly to give her the AIM virus.

ScottyP431

05-01-2005, 10:47 PM

Even if she was interested, you've now self admittedly blown it twice, she'd have to be a real glutton for punishment to keep flirting with you really overtly. You're not gonna be able to backdoor you're way into this one- be direct

Klepton

05-01-2005, 10:47 PM

[ QUOTE ]
I put my arm around her, she snuggles in and we start talking.

[/ QUOTE ]

i would be trying to hook up with her that night after this detail

it seems like she wants to be in a relationship with you...man up and ask her to dinner, then go back to your place to "chill"...problem solved

mason55

05-01-2005, 10:47 PM

She might be busy or be doing homework.

And who cares if you mess it up, there's 3 billion girls in the world. You'll meet more.

I promise /images/graemlins/cool.gif

RunDownHouse

05-01-2005, 10:48 PM

Jesus, you're on strike two and wondering if you should IM asking her out?

Call her, ask her to dinner (at a decent place, so there's no ambiguity about whether this is friend or date territory), and have done with it. Pussyfooting around is just about your worst move.

kerssens

05-01-2005, 10:49 PM

Ask her out. If she says she's not interested, so what? Just move on, I don't see why there would be any problems.

shadow29

05-01-2005, 10:51 PM

[ QUOTE ]
Jesus, you're on strike two and wondering if you should IM asking her out?

[/ QUOTE ]

Well I think that I'm only on strike 1. The first "blown attempt" wasn't really an attempt since it was an ambiguous setting between friends and "other".

So I guess the consensus is to man up and do it? B/c I'd rather not fuck up the friendship if she's not interested (which asking her out would definetly do).

kerssens

05-01-2005, 10:52 PM

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
Jesus, you're on strike two and wondering if you should IM asking her out?

[/ QUOTE ]

Well I think that I'm only on strike 1. The first "blown attempt" wasn't really an attempt since it was an ambiguous setting between friends and "other".

So I guess the consensus is to man up and do it? B/c I'd rather not fuck up the friendship if she's not interested (which asking her out would definetly do).

[/ QUOTE ]

Why would asking her out fvck up the relationship?

shadow29

05-01-2005, 10:53 PM

[ QUOTE ]
Why would asking her out fvck up the relationship?

[/ QUOTE ]

It's just my read on her. It would be filled w/ awkward tension and would mess things up. We see each other every day and are pretty close friends. You get the idea.

TimM

05-01-2005, 10:53 PM

[ QUOTE ]
she tells me that she's looking for a boyfriend b/c her love life hasn't been very interesting in the last few months

[/ QUOTE ]

You have to think you're dead in the water when she tells you this.

ScottyP431

05-01-2005, 10:54 PM

Dude, friends are for fags

shadow29

05-01-2005, 10:57 PM

[ QUOTE ]
You have to think you're dead in the water when she tells you this.

[/ QUOTE ]

Really? This is the first time I've had that kind of conversation with a girl friend.

Bad news?

Or is my sarcasm detector off?

Richie Rich

05-01-2005, 10:58 PM

[ QUOTE ]
I've had like one Jack and Coke, so I'm not misinterpeting anything. I put my arm around her, she snuggles in and we start talking. Then, a bunch of us go to her place for a little while and we hang out there and have a good time. (No hookups or anything; I want a bit more from this relationship than just one night).

[/ QUOTE ]
I love the last sentence here. Relationship? /images/graemlins/tongue.gif

[ QUOTE ]
So Friday night we're hanging out after moving a friend into an apartment. We're the only two left. We have a nice conversation and have some good disclosure (blow it again and miss an opportunity to tell her I'd like to see her), but she tells me that she's looking for a boyfriend b/c her love life hasn't been very interesting in the last few months.

[/ QUOTE ]
By telling you the same things that she would tell another girl, you've already fallen into the unlucky "friend" category.

[ QUOTE ]
So what's the deal? Is she playing "hard to get" or whatever? Or is she not interested?

[/ QUOTE ]
Hope this doesn't come as any kind of shock, but she isn't interested. And if she ever was before, she isn't anymore. In the future, be more confident and direct. Just ask her out...don't wait for a shooting star to give you the perfect sign to ask her at the perfect moment. JUST DO IT!!! And if she doesn't accept, then you move on. Life (and especially, college) is too short to get wound up in situations like this. As you begin to date and learn more about girls, you'll find that they're actually not that hard to figure out. Just ask "as if". One day you'll figure out what that means.

Edge34

05-01-2005, 10:59 PM

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
Why would asking her out fvck up the relationship?

[/ QUOTE ]

It's just my read on her. It would be filled w/ awkward tension and would mess things up. We see each other every day and are pretty close friends. You get the idea.

[/ QUOTE ]

My analysis: this isn't your read on her...its your read on YOU, projected on her.

You probably have the idea in your head that the "asking her out" thing would "hang in the air" and make things different between you two...but here's the thing...

Why should they? Most likely, if you tell her you're interested in her, if she's THAT good of a friend, she'll understand your intentions and tell you she's not interested (if she's not), and you two can go about being friends. That is, if you don't let it bother you every time you see her.

You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Plus, if SHE would make things that awkward, well, she's probably not that great of a friend in the first place...

Go for it dude. I've been there, done that, bought the T-shirt. I thought the same thing about a girl and just manned up and did it. Didn't work, but me and her are still friends, same as ever. Not to mention, the wonder isn't hanging over me. Honesty rules (well, at least sometimes).

MEbenhoe

05-01-2005, 10:59 PM

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
she tells me that she's looking for a boyfriend b/c her love life hasn't been very interesting in the last few months

[/ QUOTE ]

You have to think you're dead in the water when she tells you this.

[/ QUOTE ]

This isn't exactly a great sign, but I wouldn't rule it as a totally bad sign either. Sometimes this can be a girl hinting at something.

I say just ask her out, dinner + movie = easiest first date ever. And like another person said DO NOT ASK HER OUT OVER AIM. I made this mistake when I was a freshman in high school, you should be past this point by now. In fact screw even doing it over the phone, in person is the best way to do it.

mason55

05-01-2005, 10:59 PM

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
Why would asking her out fvck up the relationship?

[/ QUOTE ]

It's just my read on her. It would be filled w/ awkward tension and would mess things up. We see each other every day and are pretty close friends. You get the idea.

[/ QUOTE ]

In that case you're trying to jump ladders. This has been proven impossible.

If you're close enough where messing up the friendship matters, it's too late.

kerssens

05-01-2005, 11:01 PM

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
Why would asking her out fvck up the relationship?

[/ QUOTE ]

It's just my read on her. It would be filled w/ awkward tension and would mess things up. We see each other every day and are pretty close friends. You get the idea.

[/ QUOTE ]

My analysis: this isn't your read on her...its your read on YOU, projected on her.

You probably have the idea in your head that the "asking her out" thing would "hang in the air" and make things different between you two...but here's the thing...

Why should they? Most likely, if you tell her you're interested in her, if she's THAT good of a friend, she'll understand your intentions and tell you she's not interested (if she's not), and you two can go about being friends. That is, if you don't let it bother you every time you see her.

You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Plus, if SHE would make things that awkward, well, she's probably not that great of a friend in the first place...

Go for it dude. I've been there, done that, bought the T-shirt. I thought the same thing about a girl and just manned up and did it. Didn't work, but me and her are still friends, same as ever. Not to mention, the wonder isn't hanging over me. Honesty rules (well, at least sometimes).

[/ QUOTE ]

What he said.

shadow29

05-01-2005, 11:01 PM

[ QUOTE ]
And like another person said DO NOT ASK HER OUT OVER AIM. I made this mistake when I was a freshman in high school, you should be past this point by now. In fact screw even doing it over the phone, in person is the best way to do it.

[/ QUOTE ]

Right. Wasn't plannig on asking her to dinner over aim. heh.

shadow29

05-01-2005, 11:02 PM

That makes sense. Thanks.

MEbenhoe

05-01-2005, 11:02 PM

[ QUOTE ]
Didn't work, but me and her are still friends, same as ever. Not to mention, the wonder isn't hanging over me. Honesty rules (well, at least sometimes).

[/ QUOTE ]

This is some awesome advice. You don't want to not ask her, see her with another guy a few months from now and be thinking damn I wonder what would have happened if I had asked her.

tbach24

05-01-2005, 11:02 PM

[ QUOTE ]
DO NOT ASK HER OUT OVER AIM.

[/ QUOTE ]

Worked for me in 5th grade /images/graemlins/tongue.gif

Dominic

05-01-2005, 11:04 PM

stop doing the lunch thing.
stop doing the friend thing.

if you're interested in a romantic/sexual relationship with this girl, make it clear - ask her out.

Do NOT "hang out" anymore. You do that one more time, you've fallen irervocably into the "friend" zone and u will not get any lovin' from said honey.

Stop IMing her. Don't respond to her emails for a few days. If she calls you, tell her you'd love to talk but you're busy - can you call her back? Then don't call her back until the following day.

If you're too available, she will bcome disinterested. If you act like you have a whole other life that doesn't include her, she will be intrigued.

STOP BEING FRIENDS WITH HER.

If she makes it clear she's not interested, move on. Girls love having male "friends" they can talk to and snuggle with but who won't expect to get laid. It's comforting and safe. And they are in control. Do not give her this. Make it very clear that you are interested in SEX/RELATIONSHIP with her. And not friendship. And if she says she's not interested, STICK TO YOUR GUNS and do not fall back into the "friend zone."

BE THE GUY WHO IS ALOOF AND DISTANT AND NOT THAT INTO HER. Not the "nice" guy. You can do it.

Also, when you take her out to dinner - make it nice but casual. Do not make it into an event. And keep the expense down.

Good luck.

TimM

05-01-2005, 11:08 PM

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
You have to think you're dead in the water when she tells you this.

[/ QUOTE ]

Really? This is the first time I've had that kind of conversation with a girl friend.

Bad news?

Or is my sarcasm detector off?

[/ QUOTE ]

I can't believe she would say this to someone she considered a prospective boyfriend.

I think you should have made a move on the snuggling night, even if it was just going for a kiss. I don't think this would have hurt the friendship if she wasn't interested, you could just accept that. What would hurt it is when it becomes increasingly clear that you are interested but afraid to do something about it.

Felix_Nietsche

05-01-2005, 11:09 PM

Your making a classic mistake.

Your waiting for her to roll out the red carpet. She has already expressed interest by her actions.....NOW, decide if you want her and if the answer is Yes then take her out for coffee. YOU ARE THE ONE giving mixed signals. And when you give mixed signals...guess what they send back. /images/graemlins/frown.gif

When you act decively, the mixed signals will stop....

ScottyP431

05-01-2005, 11:09 PM

"BE THE GUY WHO IS ALOOF AND DISTANT AND NOT THAT INTO HER. Not the "nice" guy. You can do it."

When you go up to talk to her man, I don't want you to be the guy in the PG-13 movie everyone's *really* hopping makes it happen. I want you to be like the guy in the rated R movie, you know, the guy your not sure whether or not you like yet.You're not sure where he's coming from alright. You're a bad man. You're a bad man. You're a bad man

Dominic

05-01-2005, 11:12 PM

[ QUOTE ]
"BE THE GUY WHO IS ALOOF AND DISTANT AND NOT THAT INTO HER. Not the "nice" guy. You can do it."

When you go up to talk to her man, I don't want you to be the guy in the PG-13 movie everyone's *really* hopping makes it happen. I want you to be like the guy in the rated R movie, you know, the guy your not sure whether or not you like yet.You're not sure where he's coming from alright. You're a bad man. You're a bad man. You're a bad man

[/ QUOTE ]

Amen.

SpearsBritney

05-01-2005, 11:16 PM

[ QUOTE ]

I think you should have made a move on the snuggling night, even if it was just going for a kiss.

[/ QUOTE ]

You definately should have raised the flop to find out where you were at. Calling was weak. Betting out the turn was good, but checking the river was terrible.

Im so lame. /images/graemlins/frown.gif

Yobz

05-01-2005, 11:24 PM

[ QUOTE ]
stop doing the lunch thing.
stop doing the friend thing.

if you're interested in a romantic/sexual relationship with this girl, make it clear - ask her out.

Do NOT "hang out" anymore. You do that one more time, you've fallen irervocably into the "friend" zone and u will not get any lovin' from said honey.

Stop IMing her. Don't respond to her emails for a few days. If she calls you, tell her you'd love to talk but you're busy - can you call her back? Then don't call her back until the following day.

If you're too available, she will bcome disinterested. If you act like you have a whole other life that doesn't include her, she will be intrigued.

STOP BEING FRIENDS WITH HER.

If she makes it clear she's not interested, move on. Girls love having male "friends" they can talk to and snuggle with but who won't expect to get laid. It's comforting and safe. And they are in control. Do not give her this. Make it very clear that you are interested in SEX/RELATIONSHIP with her. And not friendship. And if she says she's not interested, STICK TO YOUR GUNS and do not fall back into the "friend zone."

BE THE GUY WHO IS ALOOF AND DISTANT AND NOT THAT INTO HER. Not the "nice" guy. You can do it.

Also, when you take her out to dinner - make it nice but casual. Do not make it into an event. And keep the expense down.

Good luck.

[/ QUOTE ]

Do exactly this. One of my roommates has not had much success before this semester. At the beginning of this semester he started w/this plan and he has had non-stop "female callers" the whole time. If I didnt have a gf, I would be doing this... /images/graemlins/smile.gif

Richie Rich

05-01-2005, 11:24 PM

[ QUOTE ]
Well I think that I'm only on strike 1. The first "blown attempt" wasn't really an attempt since it was an ambiguous setting between friends and "other".

[/ QUOTE ]
Strike? Blown attempt? Are you for real? If you want to succeed with girls, you will give yourself only one attempt. Because that's all you need. If it doesn't work, you'll just move along to the next. Just-freakin'-do-it!

[ QUOTE ]
B/c I'd rather not [censored] up the friendship if she's not interested (which asking her out would definetly do).

[/ QUOTE ]
You don't need another friend. /images/graemlins/tongue.gif

waffle

05-01-2005, 11:26 PM

Am I the only person that thinks she wanted to [censored] him, but got upset that he keeps setting up lunch and dinner dates instead of inviting her over and [censored] her?

mmbt0ne

05-01-2005, 11:28 PM

Dude, furcoat. Be the stupid guy with the sore dick.

bernie

05-02-2005, 01:07 AM

[ QUOTE ]
So what's the deal? Is she playing "hard to get" or whatever? Or is she not interested?

[/ QUOTE ]

How much more does she have to do? Take off her clothes and get on her knees looking over her shoulder while spreading her thighs backward?

Im well known for blowing it with my share of chicks. Much to my buds entertainment value. But never like this. Wake the f*ck up!

[ QUOTE ]
Your making a classic mistake.

Your waiting for her to roll out the red carpet. She has already expressed interest by her actions.....NOW, decide if you want her and if the answer is Yes then take her out for coffee. YOU ARE THE ONE giving mixed signals. And when you give mixed signals...guess what they send back.

[/ QUOTE ]

He typed it, I copied it. I agree.

b

FishNChips

05-02-2005, 02:03 AM

your young, yes? under 25?

Ask her out... the whole "I don't want to mess up the friendship" thing is soooo friggin' overrated its insane. you are not going to be lifelong friends with her unless u get married (insert "uh, not then either" jokes here). Ask her out. If it works out you'll be very pleased. If it doesn't, you may lose 1 year of friendship because its not going to be a lifelong friend.

FishNChips

tech

05-02-2005, 02:16 AM

[ QUOTE ]
I can't believe she would say this to someone she considered a prospective boyfriend.

[/ QUOTE ]

I interpreted her comment as a big huge fat hint that she is interested in our hero ... as in PLEASE ASK ME OUT YOU BLOCKHEAD.

FWIW, I asked my wife what she thinks it meant, and she also thinks it was intended to be a hint that she is interested in you.

swolfe

05-02-2005, 11:21 AM

sounds like you may be her Cuddle Bitch (http://www.intellectualwhores.com/manifestations.html)

JinX11

05-02-2005, 11:30 AM

[ QUOTE ]
man up and ask her to dinner, then go back to your place to "chill"...problem solved

[/ QUOTE ]

mostsmooth

05-02-2005, 11:32 AM

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
I can't believe she would say this to someone she considered a prospective boyfriend.

[/ QUOTE ]

I interpreted her comment as a big huge fat hint that she is interested in our hero ... as in PLEASE ASK ME OUT YOU BLOCKHEAD.

FWIW, I asked my wife what she thinks it meant, and she also thinks it was intended to be a hint that she is interested in you.

[/ QUOTE ]
i agree with this
it seems the girl needs a bigger hammer to hit our hero over the head with.
what "friends" cuddle?
btw, if hero saves this one, i think we all should get a piece of the pie(pun intended)/images/graemlins/cool.gif

Felix_Nietsche

05-02-2005, 11:49 AM

One of my favorite approaches to use on women is the "Ballsy UNapologetic" approach.

After having established a rapport I'll shutup and start staring at them and then I'll smile and say, "I like you, I think I'm going to make you my girlfriend... <PAUSE>....I'm going out for coffee this Saturday at ________. Why don't you join me? Then I shut up and listen and smile. If you have rapport, it works 100% of the time. /images/graemlins/smile.gif If your rapport is not 100% they may back away a bit....then I'll say you'll be a fool not to come with me on Saturday...You know Why? Because I'm SOOOOOOO MUCH FUN (which I am /images/graemlins/smile.gif ). So shall we say 10:30am. And what is the best way for me to contact you (let it be their idea to give you their phone#, if they give no phone# and just a pager# your then things aren't looking good. If the give you their cell#, phone#, pager#, email, AIM, etc.... then they probably like you as well. /images/graemlins/smile.gif

PS
Also it is a lot of fun to watch their expression after you say this. Most women aren't use to guys being this direct. I always smile when I say this because I want to come off as a flirt (which I am). /images/graemlins/smile.gif

Bluffoon

05-02-2005, 11:51 AM

[ QUOTE ]
So I'm at this party a few weeks ago and my friend (the girl) starts hanging out with me. We're sitting on a couch, listening to the music and chilling. She is not drunk. I've had like one Jack and Coke, so I'm not misinterpeting anything. I put my arm around her, she snuggles in and we start talking. Then, a bunch of us go to her place for a little while and we hang out there and have a good time. (No hookups or anything; I want a bit more from this relationship than just one night).

So the next week I ask her out for lunch. We go to this sandwhich shop and talk. I blow it once (she asks why I'm taking her out and I fumble). But other than that, it went well.

So Friday night we're hanging out after moving a friend into an apartment. We're the only two left. We have a nice conversation and have some good disclosure (blow it again and miss an opportunity to tell her I'd like to see her), but she tells me that she's looking for a boyfriend b/c her love life hasn't been very interesting in the last few months. I, of course, make sex jokes. Probably not the best idea, but it seemed right at the time (after a couple beers).

So tonight, I see she's on AIM and I want to talk to her a bit and then ask her out for lunch (prelude to a dinner date). But I don't ask her out because she gives short replies and often takes 5 minutes or more to respond and then only with a "haha" or something. I didn't want to ask her out again if she's not interested because I have to see her every day and we're friends and I'd rather not mess that up.

So what's the deal? Is she playing "hard to get" or whatever? Or is she not interested?

[/ QUOTE ]

She has probably already written you off as a eunich. If you want any future with this girl at all you are going to have to stop being such a pussy.

Ask her out and make it clear why you are asking her out. It may be too late but you never know until you try.

Felix_Nietsche

05-02-2005, 12:09 PM

You know Why? Because I'm SOOOOOOO MUCH FUN (which I am /images/graemlins/smile.gif )
*************************************************
P.S. If you're not a fun person, THEN LIE! /images/graemlins/smile.gif

meep_42

05-02-2005, 12:26 PM

Seriously, nut up.

It saves a lot of time and trouble.

-d

J_V

05-02-2005, 12:46 PM

Yep, there's no way around nutting up. The more practice you get, the better you become. Suprisingly good girl advice in OTT lately.

Reef

05-02-2005, 12:51 PM

stop blogging right now and go ask her out and tell her youre interested in her in that kind of way. She already dropped so many hints that a dumb, deaf, blind retard could've got the message.

Alobar

05-02-2005, 01:40 PM

you.....move.....way.....to......slow.

And im not in anyway refering to sex or a hookup.

Jersey Nick

05-02-2005, 01:57 PM

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]

I think you should have made a move on the snuggling night, even if it was just going for a kiss.

[/ QUOTE ]

You definately should have raised the flop to find out where you were at. Calling was weak. Betting out the turn was good, but checking the river was terrible.

Im so lame. /images/graemlins/frown.gif

[/ QUOTE ]
No you're not - that's a perfect read.

shadow29

05-02-2005, 02:00 PM

[ QUOTE ]
you.....move.....way.....to......slow.

[/ QUOTE ]

not normally. but since she was a friend before, i figured that it was worth a bit extra time.

anyway, i left this thread like 11:30 last night and haven't responded to y'all. the last advice i heard was to ask her out, so i did this afternoon.

we're going out to dinner in the 'burbs (like $50 for two type place) and then downtown for desert. dinner and movies are for people that don't have anything to say.

Bluffoon

05-02-2005, 02:02 PM

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
you.....move.....way.....to......slow.

[/ QUOTE ]

not normally. but since she was a friend before, i figured that it was worth a bit extra time.

anyway, i left this thread like 11:30 last night and haven't responded to y'all. the last advice i heard was to ask her out, so i did this afternoon.

we're going out to dinner in the 'burbs (like $50 for two type place) and then downtown for desert. dinner and movies are for people that don't have anything to say.

[/ QUOTE ]

Glad she said yes. Have a nice date.

ucfryan

05-02-2005, 02:17 PM

Girls like to play hard to get and make it seem like they're not overly available. From what it sounds like she's interested in you, you just need to go ahead and put your cards on the table my friend.

edit: you did, good job, good luck.

Fins

05-02-2005, 02:30 PM