Favorite lines from Seinfeld

[ripdog]

From one of the "Kieth Hernandez" episodes:

"Thank you for the lovely evening, George. It's been a long time since I've had a Big Mac"

(line delivered by the hideously ugly daughter of the unemployment official that George is trying to schmooze into an extension of benefits)

[hoopsie44]

"You're and idiot."
Susan to George after he asks her who leads when she and her girlfriend dance.

[JaBlue]

the whole naked woman speach delivered by Kramer in The Contest episode

[Shajen]

Seinfeld sucks.

You double-dipped the chip.

[miajag81]

From the episode where they get stranded at the party out on Long Island. Some annoying woman keeps talking to Elaine about her baby and Elaine finally turns around and goes "MAYBE THE DINGO ATE YOUR BABY" in this ridiculous Aussie accent. Kills me ever time I see it.

[PoBoy321]

Well you know who's responsible for astroturf, don't you? The jews.

[kerssens]

Jerry and George are out on separate dates.

George's date: do you wanna come up for some coffee?
George: No thanks, coffee keeps me up.

Jerry's date: why don't we go back to your place?
Jerry: well ok, but I don't have any cake if that's what you're looking for

[wayabvpar]

[ QUOTE ]
Cosmo Kramer: The bus is outta control. So I grab him by the collar, I take him out of the seat, I get behind the wheel, and now I'm driving the bus.
Jerry: Wow.
George Costanza: You're Batman.
Cosmo Kramer: Yeah, yeah, I am Batman. Then the mugger, he comes to and he starts choking me. So I'm fighting him off with one hand and I kept driving the bus with the other, ya know. Then I managed to open up the door and I kicked him out the door, ya know, with my foot, ya know, at the next stop.
Jerry: You kept making all the stops?
Cosmo Kramer: Well, people kept ringing the bell.

[/ QUOTE ]

[ QUOTE ]
[staff meeting at J. Peterman; Anna, one of Elaine's employees, enters wearing George's Yankee jacket]
Elaine: Anna, whose jacket is that?
Anna: It's mine.
Elaine: Oh really? Because, it looks a bit big on you. It looks like something a short, stocky, slow-witted bald man would wear.

[/ QUOTE ]

[miajag81]

I'm also a fan of "A George divided against itself cannot stand!"

[tech]

No soup for you!

[touchfaith]

"Why don't you just tell me the name of the movie you'd like to see...."

"A George, divided amongst itself, cannot last" (Errrr, "stand", and I just saw it last night...)

"Stelllllllllllla"

"Maybe the dingo ate your baby!"

[JTrout]

"maybe the dingo ate your baby"

wow. great minds think alike....

[JaBlue]

When Jerry is dating that girl that was in the whole nine yards or whatever in the Tony's award and its the summer of george, they decide that:

"Maybe the two of us working at full capacity could do the job of one man"
"Then we'd only have to be like ... a half man! ... That sounds about right!"

[eejit]

These pretzels are making me thirsty.

[BWebb]

Don't remember it word for word, but the part where Kramer is talking to Jerry about how something was unbelievable. Kramer said something to the affect:

"Is it?!? Or is it so possible, I just blew your mind?!?"

I'm sure someone will remember the rant better than me.

[lucas9000]

too many to list, but one that always comes to mind for me:

"rising like a phoenix from arizona!" (frank costanza)

[Pocket Trips]

Hi My name is George, I'm unemployed and live with my parents

[shant]

[ QUOTE ]
George Costanza: The sea was angry that day, my friends - like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli. I got about fifty feet out and suddenly the great beast appeared before me. I tell you he was ten stories high if he was a foot. As if sensing my presence, he let out a great bellow. I said, "Easy, big fella!" And then, as I watched him struggling, I realized that something was obstructing its breathing. From where I was standing, I could see directly into the eye of the great fish.
Jerry: Mammal.
George Costanza: Whatever.
Cosmo Kramer: Well, what did you do next?
George Costanza: Well then, from out of nowhere, a huge tidal wave lifted me, tossed me like a cork, and I found myself right on top of him - face to face with the blowhole. I could barely see from the waves crashing down upon me but I knew something was there. So I reached my hand in, felt around, and pulled out the obstruction.
[George reveals the obstruction to be a golf ball]
Cosmo Kramer: What is that, a Titleist?
[George nods]
Cosmo Kramer: Hole in one, huh?

[/ QUOTE ]

[shant]

[ QUOTE ]
Don't remember it word for word, but the part where Kramer is talking to Jerry about how something was unbelievable. Kramer said something to the affect:

"Is it?!? Or is it so possible, I just blew your mind?!?"

I'm sure someone will remember the rant better than me.

[/ QUOTE ]

Jerry: Ah, you're crazy.
Cosmo Kramer: Am I? Or am I so sane that you just blew your mind?
Jerry: It's impossible.
Cosmo Kramer: Is it? Or is it so possible that your head is spinning like a top?
Jerry: It can't be.
Cosmo Kramer: Can't it? Or is your entire world just crashing down all around you?
Jerry: All right, that's enough.

[MyMindIsGoing]

Yo-yo Ma!

[Phoenix1010]

George: "I don't want hope. Hope is killing me. My dream is to become hopeless. When you're hopeless you don't care. And when you don't care, that indifference makes you attractive."
Jerry: "So, hopelessness is the key?"
George: "It's my only hope."

[jack spade23]

Hellooooo!!!

[BWebb]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
Don't remember it word for word, but the part where Kramer is talking to Jerry about how something was unbelievable. Kramer said something to the affect:

"Is it?!? Or is it so possible, I just blew your mind?!?"

I'm sure someone will remember the rant better than me.

[/ QUOTE ]

Jerry: Ah, you're crazy.
Cosmo Kramer: Am I? Or am I so sane that you just blew your mind?
Jerry: It's impossible.
Cosmo Kramer: Is it? Or is it so possible that your head is spinning like a top?
Jerry: It can't be.
Cosmo Kramer: Can't it? Or is your entire world just crashing down all around you?
Jerry: All right, that's enough.

[/ QUOTE ]

That's it! Awesome.

[Russ McGinley]

NEWMAN: June 14, 1987.... Mets Phillies. We're enjoying a beautiful afternoon in the right field stands when a crucial Hernandez error to a five run Phillies ninth. Cost the Mets the game.

KRAMER: Our day was ruined. There was a lot of people, you know, they were waiting by the player's parking lot. Now we're coming down the ramp ... Newman was in front of me. Keith was coming toward us, as he passes Newman turns and says, " Nice game pretty boy.". Keith continued past us up the ramp.

NEWMAN: A second later, something happened that changed us in a deep and profound way front that day forward.

ELAINE: What was it?

KRAMER: He spit on us.... and I screamed out, "I'm hit!"

NEWMAN: Then I turned and the spit ricochet of him and it hit me.

ELAINE: Wow! What a story.

JERRY: Unfortunately the immutable laws of physics contradict the whole premise of your account. Allow me to reconstruct this if I may for Miss Benes as I've heard this story a number of times.

JERRY: Newman, Kramer, if you'll indulge me. According to your story Keith passes you and starts walking up the ramp then you say you were struck on the right temple. The spit then proceeds to ricochet off the temple striking Newman between the third and forth rib. The spit then cam off the rib turned and hit Newman in the right wrist causing him to drop his baseball cap. The spit then splashed off the wrist, Pauses In mid air mind you- makes a left turn and lands on Newman's left thigh. That is one magic loogie.

NEWMAN: Well that's the way it happened.

JERRY: What happened to your head when you got hit?

KRAMER: Well. uh, well my head went back and to the left

JERRY: Again

KRAMER: Back and to the left

JERRY: Back and to the left Back and to the left

ELAINE: So, what are you saying?

JERRY: I am saying that the spit could not have come from behind ... that there had to have been a second spitter behind the bushes on the gravelly road. If the spitter was behind you as you claimed that would have caused your head to pitch forward.

ELAINE: So the spit could have only come from the front and to the right.

JERRY: But that is not what they would have you believe.

NEWMAN: I'm leavin'. Jerry's a nut.

KRAMER: Wait, wait,

JERRY: The sad thing is we may never know the real truth.

[Sponger15SB]

[ QUOTE ]
the whole naked woman speach delivered by Kramer in The Contest episode

[/ QUOTE ]

JERRY: (Nodding) Yes. Yes I am. (Kramer chuckles) Master of my domain. But I will tell you this: I am going over to(Gestures to the nudist) her apartment, and I'm tellin' her to put those shades down!

KRAMER: Woah, woah, woah. What-what did you just say?

JERRY: I can't take it anymore! She's driving me crazy! I can't sleep, I can't leave the house, and I' here, I'm climbin' the walls. Meanwhile, I'm dating a virgin, I'm in this contest - something's gotta give!

KRAMER: Do you hear what you're saying?! Can you hear it?! (Jerry puts on his coat) This is a beautiful woman walking around naked, and you want to tell her tostop?! That's the dumbest thing I ever heard! I mean, think comprehens- I'm not gonna let you do it.

JERRY: (Persistent) Well, I'm doin' it, get out of my way.

KRAMER: (Stopping him) No, no, no, no. You can't! You can't! This is something that comes about once in a lifetime! When we were boys, looking through our bedroom windows, we would think: "Why can't there be a woman out there, taking her clothes off?" And now that wish's come true, and you want to (Makes a

noise) throw it away?!

JERRY: Look, I'm sorry-

KRAMER: No, I'm not gonna let you do it, Jerry.

JERRY: Kramer, (Trying to pass him) get outta my way!

KRAMER: (Frantic) No, no, no. Don't do it. Don't do it! For my sake! God knows I don't ask you for much! (Pleading) Now, come on. Please, Jerry. Please! I'm beggin' ya! Please! (Claps hands) Come on! Please!

[jakethebake]

"And now as Festivus rolls on, we come to the feats of strength."

[DeezNuts]

Steinbrenner: Mrs. Costanza?
Estelle: Yes?
Steinbrenner: My name is George Steinbrenner, I'm afraid I have some very sad news about your son.
Estelle: (gasps)
(Costanza living room)
Estelle: I can't believe it. He was so young. How could this have happened?
Steinbrenner: Well, he'd been logging some pretty heavy hours, first one in the morning, last one to leave at night. That kid was a human dynamo.
Estelle: Are you sure you're talking about George?
Steinbrenner: You are Mr. and Mrs. Costanza?
Frank: What the hell did you trade Jay Buhner for?! He had 30 home runs and over 100 RBIs last year. He's got a rocket for an arm. You don't know what the hell you're doin'!

[swede123]

Poppy's been sloppy...

Swede

[RacersEdge]

"We went out for dinner, I had the lobster brisque - a little too salty, we went back to my place, and yada yada yada, I never saw him again."

[Bulldog]

"And you want to be my latex salesman..."

"George is getting angry!"

"I don't think you wanna get hurt. Because if you wanna get hurt I can hurt you. Now, just back off."

"You kept making all the stops?" "People kept ringing the bell!"

[Bulldog]

[ QUOTE ]
"Why don't you just tell me the name of the movie you'd like to see...."

[/ QUOTE ]

Awesome

[Huskiez]

One of my favorite dialogues:

Kramer: Dean Jones, you wanted to talk to me?

Dean Jones: I've been reviewing Darren's internship journal. Doing laundry, mending chicken wire, hi-tea with a Mr. Newman.

Kramer: I know it sounds pretty glamorous, but it's business as usual at Kramerica.

Dean Jones: As far as I can tell your entire enterprise is nothing more than a solitary man with a messy apartment which may or may not contain a chicken.

Kramer: And with Darren's help, we'll get that chicken.

Dean Jones: I'm sorry, but we can't allow Darren to continue working with you.

Kramer: Well, I have to say this seems capricious and arbitrary.

Dean Jones: Your fly is open.

[Turning Stone Pro]

George, when he gets rid of the hairpiece:

"I feel just like my old self again. Completely inadequate, paranoid, neurotic, it's a pleasure."

also,

Jerry: "But Kramer, cockfighting is illegal!"
Kramer: "Well, only in the United States."


So many more classic lines, great ones from other posters.

TSP

[liquidboss]

Jerry: "So where's my sneakers?"
Kramer: "That's what I want to know."
Jerry: "What do you mean?"
Kramer: "Well, I saw mom and pop this morning, but when I went by the store on my way home the place was empty. Everything is gone. Mom and pop vanished!"
Jerry: "So all my sneakers are gone?"
Kramer: "I'm afraid so, and that's just the tip of the iceberg. I've been asking around. They didn't even have any kids."
Jerry: "Mom and pop aren't even a mom and pop?
Kramer: "It was all an act, Jerry. They conned us, and they scored big-time!"
Elanie: "So, mom and pop's plan was to move into the neighborhood, establish trust - for 48 years - and then run off with Jerry's sneakers?"
Kramer: "Apparently."

[asofel]

"they're real, and they're spectacular!"

unfortunately none of my friends seem to remember this if i ever use it in conversation...

[jakethebake]

[ QUOTE ]
"they're real, and they're spectacular!"

unfortunately none of my friends seem to remember this if i ever use it in conversation...

[/ QUOTE ]

Classic line. You need new friends.

[Klepton]

"Where does the meat go?"
"Right there."
"Ok, where do you turn it on?"
"Right there."
"But WHERE does the meat go?"

My truly alltime favorite is more of a facial expression than quote, but involves George when the company thought he was fully handicapped.
He wedges his little handicapped cart into Jerry's coffe table, and honks his horn to get Jerry to help him...

"Now if you will kindly unwedge my front wheel, I will be going."
(Honking Horn)
The face he makes is priceless

[asofel]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
"they're real, and they're spectacular!"

unfortunately none of my friends seem to remember this if i ever use it in conversation...

[/ QUOTE ]

Classic line. You need new friends.

[/ QUOTE ]

good, I was beginning to lose faith in pop culture.

[jakethebake]

[ QUOTE ]
George: I am not giving you my code.

Kramer: I'll bet I can guess it.

George: Pssh. Yeah. Right.

Kramer: Oh, alright. Yeah. Uh, let's see. Um, well, we can throw out birthdays immediately. That's too obvious. And no numbers for you, you're a word man. Alright, let's go deeper. Uh, what kind of man are you? Well, you're weak, spineless, a man of temptations, but what tempts you?

George: Huh?

Kramer: You're a portly fellow, a bit long in the waistband. So what's your pleasure? Is it the salty snacks you crave? No no no no no, yours is a sweet tooth.

George: Get out of here.

Kramer: Oh you may stray, but you'll always return to your dark master, the cocoa bean.

George: I'm leaving.

Kramer (building up steam as George bolts for the door): No, and only the purest syrup nectar can satisfy you!

George: I gotta go.

Kramer: If you could you'd guzzle it by the gallon! Ovaltine! Hershey's!

George: Shut up!

Kramer: Nestlé's Quik!

George: Shut up

[/ QUOTE ]

[Turning Stone Pro]

I agree. That is the single funniest facial expression in all of Seinfeld. George is looking at Jerry like he expects Jerry to immediately bow down to his every whim and fancy, since he is now "handicapped". Hilarious.

TSP

[steviej1717]

old guy to Jerry

"It's go time"

[ClassicBob]

"Let's go watch them carve this fat bastard up."

Line was completely ad-libbed, and you can see Jerry using the coffee cup to mask his laughter.

[Zoltri]

George, the hand model episode.


MAN: (Clears throat) Tragic story, I'm afraid. He could've had any woman in the world.. but none could match the beauty of his own hand.. and that became his

one true love..

(Long pause)

GEORGE: You mean, uh..?

MAN: Yes. he was not.. master of his domain.

GEORGE: (Makes a gesture saying he understands. The man nods) But how.. uh..?

MAN: (Quick, to the point) The muscles.. became so strained with.. overuse, that eventually the hand locked into a deformed position, and he was left with nothing

but a claw. (Holds hand up, displaying a claw-like shape) He traveled the world seeking a cure.. acupuncturists.. herbalists.. swamis.. nothing helped. Towards the

end, his hands became so frozen the was unable to manipulate utensils, (Visibly disgusted by this last part) and was dependent on Cub Scouts to feed him. I hadn't

seen another pair of hands like Ray McKigney's.. until today. You are his successor. (George looks down at his hands) I.. only hope you have a little more

self-control.

GEORGE: (Smiling to himself) You don't have to worry about me. (Nodding, gloating) I won a contest.

[the42]

"Mr Tommasullo wants to play dirty huh... well there's nothing dirtier than a big ball of oil"

"DID YOU STEAL MY JESUS FISH"

Jackie: Did you put the top on or did they put the top on
Kramer: they put the top on. Is that a problem?
Jackie: Yeah thats a problem. Its a problem for them.

Jaqkie: Who put the balm on? Did you put the balm on? Did I tell you to put the balm on

" What there's a bomb threat. Quick everyone under the desk"

"Festivus the hoiliday for the rest of us"

George( in complete panic )JERRY a women from the unemploymnet departmnet will be calling and you need to answer Van Delay Industries because I told her I was interviewing there for a sales position

Jerry: Who is this

" I'M RICK JAMES BIOCTH " ohh wait thats Dave Chappelle

[kerssens]

the whole sequence where Kramer is "deformed" from the smoking lounge....."look away, I'm hideous!"

[Klepton]

This episode also reminds me of the reason I say "NH"

George is with Mr Tomasulow, and the boss says on the intercom how George's bathroom is now open to everyone, even their families...

George's response - "Well Played."

I laugh out loud just thinking about if he said "Nice Hand"

[ripdog]

These quotes are hilarious! Here's another priceless moment form the Festivus episode:

"Many Christmases ago, I went to buy a doll for my son. I reached for the last one they had, but so did another man. As I rained blows upon him, I realized there had to be another way."
"What happened to the doll?"
"It was destroyed. But out of that a new holiday was born... A Festivus for the rest of us!"


Line delivered by Frank Costanza (Jerry Stiller), arguably my favorite character on the show.

[Sponger15SB]

[ QUOTE ]
the whole sequence where Kramer is "deformed" from the smoking lounge....."look away, I'm hideous!"

[/ QUOTE ]

The outtakes that they have of that scene on the clip shows are even funnier.

[WEASEL45]

Kramer: Who's gonna turn down a Junior Mint? It's chocolate, it's peppermint -it's delicious!
Jerry: That's true.
Kramer: It's very refreshing!

Jerry: What happened to your face? It looks like an old catcher's mitt.
Kramer: What?? My face is all craggly, it's crinkly!
Jerry: It's from all that smoke. You've experienced a lifetime of smoking in 72 hours. What did you expect?
Kramer: Emphysema, birth defects, cancer, but not this! Jerry, my face is my livelihood. Everything I have I owe to this face.
Jerry: And your teeth, your teeth are all brown!
Kramer: Look away, I'm hideous.

Jerry : So were going to make the Post Office pay for my new stereo?
Kramer : It's just a write off for them.
Jerry : How is it a write off?
Kramer : They just write it off.
Jerry : Write it off what?
Kramer : Jerry all these big companies they write off everything
Jerry : You don't even know what a write off is.
Kramer : Do you?
Jerry : No. I don't.
Kramer : But they do and they are the ones writing it off.
Jerry : I wish I just had the last twenty seconds of my life back.


Jerry: I had a very interesting lunch with George Costanza today.
Kramer: Really?
Jerry: We were talking about our lives, and we both kind of realized we're kids. We're not men.
Kramer: So then you asked yourselves, 'Isn't there something more to life?'
Jerry: Yes, we did.
Kramer: Yeah, well let me clue you in on something... There isn't.
Jerry: There isn't?
Kramer: Absolutely not. I mean, what are you thinking about, Jerry, marriage? Family? They're prisons! Man-made prisons. You're doing time. You get up in the morning, she's there. You go to sleep at night, she's there. It's like you gotta ask permission to use the bathroom. 'Is it alright if I use the bathroom now?!' And you can forget about watching TV while you're eating.
Jerry: I can?
Kramer: Oh yeah. You know why? Because it's dinnertime, and you know what you do at dinner?
Jerry: What?
Kramer: You talk about your day. 'How was your day today? Did you have a good day today or a bad day today? Well, what kind of day was it? Well, I don't know, how about you, how was your day?'
Jerry: Boy.
Kramer: It's sad, Jerry. It's a sad state of affairs.
Jerry: I'm glad we had this talk.
Kramer: Oh, you have no idea.

[Benal]

Newman eating broccoli: "Vile Weed!"

[ScottyP431]

These are really some pittiful quotes, the only 2 that even deserve to be in the "best of seinfeld" category that have been mentioned are the write off and kramers NYU intern

Others
Kramer: Some big holywood so and so optioned my coffe table book for a movie
George: the one with the little legs? how are they gonna make a movie out of that
Kramer: tou remember that picture book of toy ray guns? Independance day

Kramer: ill tell you what we do, we take the license plates, scratch the id number of the engine block and we walk away. Report the car as stolen, then insurance will get you a new one
Jerry: Isn't there a deductable?
Kramer: Ok whats your deductable?
Jerry: i dont know
Kramer: Thats cause they've already deducted it
Jery: From what
Kramer: From the car, which we're leaving. So the net is zero. See you pocket the money, if there is any, and you get a new car

George: Quick, whats your favorite animal
Kid: Um, err, i dont know, frog
George: Frog? Frog is wrong


Basically the entire episode the Burning is one of the best written sit coms of all time

George: Reprogram all the buttons, see if he changes them back. You know? The
old switcheroo.

Jerry: No, no, the old switcheroo is you poison your drink then you switch it
with the other person's.

George: No, it's doing the same thing to someone that they did to you.

Jerry: Yeah, Elaine's gonna do the same thing to Puddy's radio that the radio
did to her.

George: Well that's the gist of it!

George: Hey, so, did you give that radio the old switcheroo?

Elaine: I did.

George: And the Christian rock?

Elaine: Ressurected! And look what I pried off of his bumper, a Jesus fish!

George: Jerry, do you have any fishsticks?

Jerry: No. So you're disappointed he's a spiritual person?

Elaine: Well yeah, I got him because he seemed so one-dimensional, I feel
misled.

George: I think it's neat. You don't hear that much about god anymore.

[PoBoy321]

Oh my god, I burst out laughing in the middle of the library when I read this.

[theredwave]

SALES WOMAN: Did the broker send you over?
KRAMER: Uh, yes, most likely, yes. I'm, uh, H.E. Pennypacker. I'm a wealthy industrialist and philanthropist and, uh, a bicyclist. And, um, yes, I'm looking for a place where I can settle down with my, uh, peculiar habits, and, uh, the women that I frequent with. (sniffing wall) Mmm. Mombassa, hmm?
SALES WOMAN: The asking price is $1.5 million.
KRAMER: Oh, I spend that much on after shave. Yes, I buy and sell men like myself every day. Now, I assume that there's a waterfall grotto?

Kramer: Now, just because Jerry Seinfeld is a has-been, don't make Little Jerry Seinfeld a never-was!

Elaine: Do you think you could transport some stumps for me? I'll make it worth your while.
Kramer: Well, if they don't mind sitting in the back.
Elaine: No they don't.
Kramer: Are they war veterans?

George: Kramer goes to a fantasy camp. His whole life is a fantasy camp. People should plunk down two-thousand dollars to live like him for a week. Do nothing, fall ass-backwards into money, mooch food off your neighbors, and have sex without dating. That's a fantasy camp!

Kramer: I'm Cosmo Kramer, the Assman.

[lucas9000]

BOOKMAN: Yeah, '71. That was my first year on the job. Bad year for libraries. Bad year for America. Hippies burning library cards, Abby Hoffman telling everybody to steal books. I don't judge a man by the length of his hair or the kind of music he listens to. Rock was never my bag. But you put on a pair of shoes when you walk into the New York Public Library, fella.

JERRY: Look, Mr. Bookman. I--I returned that book. I remember it very specifically.

BOOKMAN: You're a comedian, you make people laugh.

JERRY: I try.

BOOKMAN: You think this is all a big joke, don't you?

JERRY: No, I don't.

BOOKMAN: I saw you on T.V. once; I remembered your name--from my list. I looked it up. Sure enough, it checked out. You think because you're a celebrity that somehow the law doesn't apply to you, that you're above the law?

JERRY: Certainly not.

BOOKMAN: Well, let me tell you something, funny boy. Y'know that little stamp, the one that says "New York Public Library"? Well that may not mean anything to you, but that means a lot to me. One whole hell of a lot. Sure, go ahead, laugh if you want to. I've seen your type before: Flashy, making the scene, flaunting convention. Yeah, I know what you're thinking. What's this guy making such a big stink about old library books? Well, let me give you a hint, junior. Maybe we can live without libraries, people like you and me. Maybe. Sure, we're too old to change the world, but what about that kid, sitting down, opening a book, right now, in a branch at the local library and finding drawings of pee-pees and wee-wees on the Cat in the Hat and the Five Chinese Brothers? Doesn't HE deserve better? Look. If you think this is about overdue fines and missing books, you'd better think again. This is about that kid's right to read a book without getting his mind warped! Or: maybe that turns you on, Seinfeld; maybe that's how y'get your kicks. You and your good-time buddies. Well I got a flash for ya, joy-boy: Party time is over. Y'got seven days, Seinfeld. That is one week!

[touchfaith]

"I don't return fruit. Fruit is a gamble. I know that going in." - Jerry

"I think it moved." - George

"Mrs. Seinfeld, please. I am begging you. Put the air conditioner on." - Elaine

"I'm Cosmo Kramer, the Assman!" - Kramer

"I can feel his blood inside of me. Borrowing things from my blood." - Jerry

"I've driven women to lesbianism before, but never a mental institution." - George

"I'm speechless. Speechless! I have no speech." - George

"Don't you even care? This is your company. It's your name on the outside of the building. Speaking of which, the R fell off and all it says now is K-UGER."
"K-UGER. That sounds like one of those old time car horns, huh? K-UGER! K-UGER!"
"You are too much, Mr. Kruger. Too much!"
"Thank you George, you've been great. That's it for me!"
"What? No, no, you're not going out on a high note with me, Mr. Kruger."
"It's K-UGER!"
- George and Mr. Kruger

"Serenity now! Serenity now!"
"What is that?"
"The doctor gave me a relaxation cassette. When my blood pressure gets too high, the man on the tape tells me to say 'serenity now!'"
"Are you supposed to yell it?"
"The man on the tape wasn't specific."
- Frank and George

"Now I can peek in and see if anyone is waiting to jack me with a sock full of pennies." - Kramer

http://www.pkmeco.com/seinfeld/timeless.jpg

[stankybank]

anything Kramer says I find to be pretty funny.

[LotsOfOuts69]

"Hey George, Little Jerry just ran from here to Newmans in under 30 seconds"

"Is that good?'

"I dunno."

[the42]

Love those calzones George

[kerssens]

[ QUOTE ]
I agree. That is the single funniest facial expression in all of Seinfeld. George is looking at Jerry like he expects Jerry to immediately bow down to his every whim and fancy, since he is now "handicapped". Hilarious.

TSP

[/ QUOTE ]

Another good facial expression is Kramer when he's going commando...."I'm out there Jerry and I'm lllllovin' every minute of it!"

[esknights]

There are so many great lines and the facial expressions that usually come with them are priceless.

Kramer: That looks like a dog with a glove on its head.

Kramer: That looks like a dead bear. (looking at fur coat in tree in NYC)

George: They all have swirling chocolate in the commercials.
Old Man: Not skittles

[IsaacW]

[ QUOTE ]
Seinfeld sucks.

[/ QUOTE ]
Indeed. Clearly the best line was "Well, that was the last episode of Seinfeld. We totally suck and apologize for keeping this on the air beyond the pilot."

[mostsmooth]

why no puddy comments thus far?
puddy is awesome!
-i thought we agreed no more face painting?
thats not my face

-yea, thats right

-shes whacked

-keys?!?!
thats right, how you gonna start it?
(btw, this episode is one of the best imho)

[Homer]

If you're bleak, you're bleak.

[DukeSucks]

Well, the jerk store called. They're running out of you!

[PoBoy321]

"I don't see why it'd be a problem, you're their best seller!"

"Well I had sex with your wife!"

"...his wife's in a coma."

[jakethebake]

[ QUOTE ]
why no puddy comments thus far?
puddy is awesome!

[/ QUOTE ]

"That's right."

"High five."

[DukeSucks]

"I didn't know it was possible to come out of a coma."

"I didn't know it was possible to not know that."

[DukeSucks]

"So I started to walk into the water. I won't lie to you boys, I was terrified. But I pressed on, and as I made my way past the breakers a strange calm came over me. I don't know if it was divine intervention or the kinship of all living things, but I tell you Jerry, at that moment I was a marine biologist."

[mostsmooth]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
why no puddy comments thus far?
puddy is awesome!

[/ QUOTE ]

"That's right."

"High five."

[/ QUOTE ]
-on the flip side
-takes me to arbys (thata elaine, but so what, it was funny)

[BWebb]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
why no puddy comments thus far?
puddy is awesome!

[/ QUOTE ]

"That's right."

"High five."

[/ QUOTE ]
-on the flip side
-takes me to arbys (thata elaine, but so what, it was funny)

[/ QUOTE ]

"Talk to the 8-ball"

[Sponger15SB]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
why no puddy comments thus far?
puddy is awesome!

[/ QUOTE ]

"That's right."

"High five."

[/ QUOTE ]
-on the flip side
-takes me to arbys (thata elaine, but so what, it was funny)

[/ QUOTE ]

"Talk to the 8-ball"

[/ QUOTE ]

omg you ass! I was reading this thread and ready to post that, and you're the last damn guy. bah bah bah

[JustPlayingSmart]

"Then, shouldn't you be wearing the bucket?"

[LoaferGee12]

"Feels like an Arby's night". Puddy, obviously. Sidenote: Is puddy the voice of some character in Family Guy?

[kerssens]

[ QUOTE ]
"Feels like an Arby's night". Puddy, obviously. Sidenote: Is puddy the voice of some character in Family Guy?

[/ QUOTE ]

Isn't he Joe the handicapped neighbor?

[touchfaith]

lol, I can't stop...I love Seinfeld quotes...


"I can't carry a pen. I'm afraid I'll puncture my scrotum." - George

"It's like I'm Neil Armstrong. I turn around for a sip of Tang, and you jump out first!" - George

"Are you Master of your Domain?"
"I am King of the County. You?"
"Lord of the Manor."
"I'm Queen of the castle!"
- Jerry, George and Elaine

"His mother was a mudder... His father was a mudder." - Kramer

"Yeah, I'm a great quitter. It's one of the few things I do well. I come from a long line of quitters. My father was a quitter, my grandfather was a quitter... I was raised to give up." - George

"So when somebody has B.O., the "O" usually stays with the "B". Once the "B" leaves, the "O" goes with it." - Jerry

"I wish there were pig-men. You get a few of those pig-men walking around, suddenly I'm looking a lot better. That way if someone wanted to fix me up they could say, 'Hey, at least he's no pig-man.'" - George

"That's pie country. They do a lot of baking up there."
"They sell them by the side of the road. Blueberry blackberry."
"Blackberry boysenberry."
"Boysenberry huckleberry."
"Huckleberry raspberry."
"Raspberry strawberry."
"Strawberry cranberry."
"Peach."
- George and Jerry

"So you feel 'women and children first' in this day and age is somewhat of an antiquated notion."
"To some degree."
"So, basically, it's every man, woman, child and invalid for themselves."
"In a manner of speaking."
"Well, that's honest."
"She should be commending me for treating everyone like equals."
"Well, perhaps when she's released from the burn center she'll see things more clearly."
- Jerry and George

"I need the secure packaging of Jockeys. My boys need a house!" - Kramer

"Seven? Yeah, I guess I could see it. Seven. Seven periods of school, seven beatings a day. Roughly seven stitches a beating, and eventually seven years to life. Yeah, you're doing that child quite a service." - Jerry

[goofball]

[ QUOTE ]
Cosmo Kramer: The bus is outta control. So I grab him by the collar, I take him out of the seat, I get behind the wheel, and now I'm driving the bus.
Jerry: Wow.
George Costanza: You're Batman.
Cosmo Kramer: Yeah, yeah, I am Batman. Then the mugger, he comes to and he starts choking me. So I'm fighting him off with one hand and I kept driving the bus with the other, ya know. Then I managed to open up the door and I kicked him out the door, ya know, with my foot, ya know, at the next stop.
Jerry: You kept making all the stops?
Cosmo Kramer: Well, people kept ringing the bell.

[/ QUOTE ]

oooohhh yeah!


also

[ QUOTE ]
JERRY: I can't. I'm not an orgy guy.
GEORGE: Are you crazy? This is like discovering Plutonium ... by accident.
JERRY: Don't you know what it means to become an orgy guy? It changes
everything. I'd have to dress different. I'd have to act different. I'd have to
grow a mustache and get all kinds of robes and lotions and I'd need a new
bedspread and new curtains I'd have to get thick carpeting and weirso lighting.
I'd have to get new friends. I'd have to get orgy friends.
... Naw, I'm not ready for it.

[/ QUOTE ]

[jakethebake]

"I like to stop at the duty-free shop."

[kerssens]

[ QUOTE ]
"Seven? Yeah, I guess I could see it. Seven. Seven periods of school, seven beatings a day. Roughly seven stitches a beating, and eventually seven years to life. Yeah, you're doing that child quite a service." - Jerry

[/ QUOTE ]

I like the scene in that episode where Jerry is giving George other names.....Mug Costanza

[fingokra]

Little kid after hearing Jerry cuss "That Jerry Seinfeld is a funny @^$@%^@?"

and

We had a date I ordered the lobster, had some wine, went back to his place for cofee, yada yada yada, I was late for work this morning.

[mlb3zr]

another one that is best if you remember what Jerry looks like when he says it:

GEORGE: Salsa is now the number one condiment in America.

JERRY: You know why? Because people like to say "salsa."

[blatz]

Bookman rant is awesome...and i laughed at the writeoff dialogue for at least 30 seconds...

"So I started to walk into the water. I won't lie to you boys, I was terrified. But I pressed on, and as I made my way past the breakers a strange calm came over me. I don't know if it was divine intervention or the kinship of all living things, but I tell you Jerry, at that moment I was a marine biologist."
- George, in "The Marine Biologist"

"Oh yes, the jerk store called, they're running low on you!" --George.

[youngndumb]

From the episode where Kramer isn't talking. Elaine is writing her New Yorker cartoon where the pig is at the complaint department. Jerry doesn't really like her quote, comes up with a couple. Kramer writes something down, Elaine reads "My wife is a slut"

[edtost]

Mr. Steinbrenner: (the back of his head to the camera) John Tyler? George Steinbreener here. I want to talk about George Castanza. I understand he's been dividing his time between us and you. I cannot have that.

John Tyler: (the back of his head also to the camera) Well I don't know who he is but if you want him that bad I'm not giving him up that easily.

Mr. Steinbrenner: Oh is that so. Playing a little hardball huh Jonnyboy?

John Tyler: How about this. You give me Castanza, I convert your concessions to all chicken no charge. Instead of hot dogs, chicken dogs. Instead of pretzels, chicken twists. Instead of beer, alcoholic chicken.

Mr. Steinbrenner: How do you make that alcoholic chicken?

John Tyler: Let if ferment, just like everything else.

Mr. Steinbrenner: That stuff sounds great. All right. I'll have Costanza on the next bus.

[Jules22]

bizarro jerry, the absolute funniest episode of seinfeld

KRAMER
George, why couldn't I use the bathroom in that store?

GEORGE
Krama, trust me, this is the best bathroom in midtown!

KRAMER
[frustrated] Wha??

JERRY
[dry] He knows.

GEORGE
{Anyway,} on the left--exquisite marble! High ceilings. An' a flush, like a jet engine! [imitates sound] Ha ha!
-------------------------------
[As they continue talking, MAN3 and KRAMER go to the elevator.]

MAN3
Good work today, K-man!

KRAMER
Well, you know what they say, you don't sell the steak, you sell the sizzle.

MAN3
Heh, heh!

KRAMER
{You want a drink? I'm buyin'.}

MAN3
In that case, make mine a double!

[They yuck it up, getting on the elevator.]
-----------------------------------
JERRY
She had Man hands.

ELAINE
[pause] Man, Hands?

JERRY
The hands of a man. It's like a creature out of Greek Mythology, I mean, she was like part woman, part horrible beast.
------------------------------------
JERRY
Really. So uh, what do you do down there all day?

KRAMER
T.C.B.
You know, takin' care o' business.
-------------------------------------
GEORGE
You know, I used to love Paris. My uh, dead Fiancé, Susan.. [opening wallet] In fact I. think I, I may have a picture of her.. [shows them the picture]

MODEL #3
[awed] Wow.. She was beautiful.. Do you wanna dance?
---------------------------------
KEVIN
[getting up] Well. See ya later, Elaine. Feldman an' I 'a' gotta get down 'o the library. [the three guys are leaving]

ELAINE
What are you gonna do down there?

KEVIN
Read!
------------------------------------
JERRY
An' then when you come home at night, you're always exhausted--we never do anything anymore!

KRAMER
What are you starting with me for? You know this is my crazy time o' year?!

JERRY
[pause] It's your third day..

KRAMER
[grabs briefcase to leave] I gotta go to work. We'll talk about this later. [leaves]

JERRY
Well.
[calling down the hall] Call if you're gonna be late!
----------------------------------
JERRY
[calmly getting up with plate of chicken] Oh! Sure! Sure! You an' your work! Elaine's off in the Bizarro World, George only calls when he wants something, an' I'm left sitting here like this plate of cold chicken, which, by the way, [drops chicken into sink] was, for two.
-----------------------------------------
LELAND
Well, I'm sorry. There's just no way that we could keep you on.

KRAMER
I don't even really work here!

LELAND
That's what makes this so difficult.





not to mention all the bizarro world scenes with elaine, but those dont read quite as well without the background. best episode ever

[nate1729]

Simple and underrated: "I enjoy understanding" -- George, and I don't know which episode it's from. Anyone remember?

[Non_Comformist]

Bizarro Jerry is the best episode of Seinfeld. Kramer's day at the office set to music is enough to make the episode a classic.

[Wes ManTooth]

It's all water next to the bridge.
-Kramer-

[ripdog]

How about this classic:

Jerry: Hey Georgie!

George: Coming up.

Jerry: How did you do on the IQ test?!

George: 85!

Jerry: What?!!

George: 85, Jerry! 85 IQ !

[Jerry laughs.]

Elaine: 85?

Jerry: Well, well, well...

Elaine: He's coming up?

Jerry: Well, I'm no genius, but according to my calculations he should be here in a few seconds.

Elaine: Yeah, but an 85, that's ridiculous.

Jerry: Well, maybe the test had gender bias, you know a lot of questions about hunting and testicles...

[George comes in looking angry.]

George: Oh, hello professor.

[coltrane]

Puddy (ringing up Jerry's car bill): "Finder's fee."
Jerry: "Finder's fee? It was on the lot!"
Puddy: "Yeah that's right."
............"Keys."
Jerry: "Keys!?"
Puddy: "How you gonna start it?"

[marsvolta619]

Sorry if this is long, this and Curb Your Enthusiasm are my favorite shows ever

"Hey nobagelnobagelnobagelnobagel!"

"... not that there's anything wrong with that."

[ QUOTE ]
Jerry: The answering machine is like a relationship barometer.
George Costanza: What IS a barometer?
Cosmo Kramer: It's pronounced thermometer.

[/ QUOTE ]

[ QUOTE ]
[At Yankees batting practice]
George Costanza: Guys, hitting is not about muscle. It's simple physics. Calculate the velocity, v, in relation to the trajectory, t, in which g, gravity, of course remains a constant.
[Hits a home run]
George Costanza: It's not complicated.
Derek Jeter: Now, who are you again?
George Costanza: George Costanza, assistant to the traveling secretary.
Bernie Williams: Are you the guy who put us in that Ramada in Milwaukee?
George Costanza: Do you wanna talk about hotels, or do you wanna win some ball games?
Derek Jeter: We won the World Series.
George Costanza: In six games.


[/ QUOTE ]

[ QUOTE ]
Cosmo Kramer: They're redoing the Cloud Club.
Jerry: Oh, the restaurant on top of the Chrysler building? That's a good idea.
Cosmo Kramer: Of course it is, it's my idea.
Jerry: Which part, renovating the restaurant you don't own part, or spending the 200 million you don't have part?

[/ QUOTE ]

[ QUOTE ]
Jerry: I need to talk to you about my friend, Dr. Tim Whatley. I think he's converted to Judaism just for the jokes.
Priest: And this offends you as a Jewish person?
Jerry: No, it offends me as a comedian.


[/ QUOTE ]

[ QUOTE ]
Cosmo Kramer: You know Darren, if you would have told me twenty-five years ago that some day I'd be standing here about to solve the world's energy problems, I would've said you're crazy... Now let's push this giant ball of oil out the window.


[/ QUOTE ]
^^ My favorite episode. Best part, I don't have the exact quote, was when they meet for lunch and Kramer asks Darren what he missed and Darren says like "Well first Mr. Costanza and Mr. Seinfeld debated whether Iron Man wore underwear, then Mr. Seinfeld went to the bathroom at which point Mr. Costanza scooped out an ice cube from his drink and washed his hands with it."

[jack spade23]

The one on last night was the one with Tony, the good looking guy w/ long hiar that elaine is going out w/. Best line of the show

Jerry: "how was your date w/ (pops his collar and does a shuffle) Tooonny!!!"

Same one as the "am i so sane, im blowing your mind"

[wayabvpar]

[ QUOTE ]
The one on last night was the one with Tony, the good looking guy w/ long hiar that elaine is going out w/. Best line of the show

Jerry: "how was your date w/ (pops his collar and does a shuffle) Tooonny!!!"

Same one as the "am i so sane, im blowing your mind"

[/ QUOTE ]

"Tony said 'Step off', George."

[kerssens]

Haven't read though the last 30 posts....has "serenity now!!" been said yet?

[youtalkfunny]

I can't believe anyone finds this stuff funny.

I know I'm the only guy in America who doesn't like the show. I really don't see what distinguishes it from every other crappy sitcom.

Don't reply, because I won't see it--I quit reading this thread about 10 posts in.

[hmohnphd]

"That's your big boy."

Jerry to Newman relating that his Drake's Coffe Cake is a full size cake.

[Sponger15SB]

[ QUOTE ]
bizarro jerry, the absolute funniest episode of seinfeld

[/ QUOTE ]

KRAMER

[leaving] I'll see you tonight, huh? [turning back, grabs his briefcase] Forget my briefcase.

JERRY

W-w-wha' you got in there?

KRAMER

[as he leaves with it] Crackers.

[Sponger15SB]

[ QUOTE ]

[ QUOTE ]
Cosmo Kramer: You know Darren, if you would have told me twenty-five years ago that some day I'd be standing here about to solve the world's energy problems, I would've said you're crazy... Now let's push this giant ball of oil out the window.


[/ QUOTE ]
^^ My favorite episode.

[/ QUOTE ]

George: Good Morning!

Co-worker: Go to hell!

George: Hi Allison, that’s a nice dress.

Allison: Don’t even look at me.

George: Hey Glenn!

Glenn: Hey, go tell hell!

George: Heard that one already.

[LAGmaniac]

Jackie the lawyer: Miss Wilkie, your tobacco company has turned this beautiful specimen, into a horrible twisted freak.
Kramer: Who could love me?
Miss Wilkie: I disagree. In fact, I feel Mr. Kramer projects a rugged masculinity.
Jackie: Rugged? The man's a goblin. He's only been exposed to smoke for four days. By the time this case gets to trial, he'll be nothing more than a shrunken head


Bubble Boy: MOORS!!
George: MOOPS!!


Jerry: But I don't want to be a pirate!


Kramer: I've cut slices so thin I couldn't even see them
Elaine: How did you know you cut a slice?
Kramer: Well I guess I just assumed...


Kramer: Jerry, George got arrested.
Jerry: What?
Kramer: Yeah. He went at the Beatman, he tried to land, but they cheesed him.
Jerry: Oh now I see.


Bookman: Or maybe that turns you on, Seinfeld... Maybe that's how you get your kicks... You and your goodtime buddies... I've got a flash for you, joy boy. Partytime is over."

[Kurn, son of Mogh]

Jerry: "'We have to talk.' The worst four words a woman can say to you."

George: "Yeah, or 'Whose bra is this?'"

[Luv2DriveTT]

Art Vandalay, I'm in Latex.

TT /images/graemlins/club.gif

[Kurn, son of Mogh]

That's one of two Seinfeld scenes that reprises a movie scene that Wayne Knight(Newman) was in (JFK).

Can you name the other?

[Kurn, son of Mogh]

Kramer: "Joe Pepitone or not, I OWN the inside part of the plate."

[ScottyP431]

are you referring to when he and babs talk?

[marsvolta619]

The one with the mail fraud. It spoofs Basic Instinct

[Luv2DriveTT]

[ QUOTE ]
Haven't read though the last 30 posts....has "serenity now!!" been said yet?

[/ QUOTE ]

it has now... possibly the funniest line in the show. It ranks right up there with Festivus.

Its amazing how far NY Jewish ironic humor has traveled around the world thanks to this show. Larry David is king!

TT /images/graemlins/club.gif

[CallMeIshmael]

Most of my favourites have already been mentioned... but this one was overlooked...

They hear a noise from the hallway.

Jerry: Hear that? Guess who's back. (Opening the door) Hey!

Kramer: Hey.

Jerry: I thought you weren't coming back till Monday.

Kramer: Well, the camp ended a few days early.

Jerry: Why?

Kramer: Uh, well there was an incident.

Jerry: What happened?

Kramer: I punched Mickey Mantle in the mouth.

Jerry: What?

Kramer: Yeah, I punched him and they took him to the hospital and then they
canceled the rest of the week.

Elaine: You punched who in the mouth?

Kramer: Mickey Mantle.

Jerry: What happened?

Kramer: Well, you know, we were playing a game and, you know, I was pitching,
and I was really throwing some smoke. And Joe Pepitone, he was up, and man that
guy, you know, he was crowding the plate.

Jerry: Wow! Joe Pepitone!

Kramer: Yeah, well, Joe Pepitone or not, I own the inside of that plate. So I
throw one, you know, inside, you know, a little chin music, put him right on his
pants. Cause I gotta intimidate when I'm on the mound. Well the next pitch,
he's right back in the same place. So, I had to plunk him.

Jerry: You plunked him.

Kramer: Oh yeah. Well, he throws down his bat, he comes racing up to the
mound. Next thing, both benches are cleared, you know? A brouhaha breaks out
between the guys in the camp, you know, and the old Yankee players, and as I'm
trying to get Moose Skowron off of one of my teammates, you know, somebody pulls
me from behind, you know, and I turned around and I popped him. I looked down,
and woah man, it's Mickey. I punched his lights out.

[DougOzzzz]

[ QUOTE ]
"We went out for dinner, I had the lobster brisque - a little too salty, we went back to my place, and yada yada yada, I never saw him again."

[/ QUOTE ]

You yada yada yada'd over the best part.

"I mentioned the bisque."

[Kurn, son of Mogh]

Bingo

[kerssens]

When Kramer is driving the handsome cab (quote probably a little off)

"And this is Central Park. It was designed by Joe Pepitone during the Civil War so the Union soldiers could practice fighting on grass"

[kem]

"I'm thinking of buying a yo yo."
-Jerry

[FoxwoodsFiend]

[ QUOTE ]

Line delivered by Frank Costanza (Jerry Stiller), arguably my favorite character on the show.

[/ QUOTE ]

That's weird-you don't know who your own favorite character is? Or do other people argue about it?

[touchfaith]

These pretzels are making me thirsty

[ihardlyknowher]

Kramer: "I'm out!"

[Tuco]

My favorite line is from that episode.

Darren, Kramers intern, walks into Jerrys apartment and says:

"Mr Kramer says 'Hey buddy'"

Tuco.

[Harv72b]

(At the car rental agency, where Jerry is informed that the midsize he had reserved is not available, and finally settles on a compact)

Agent: We have a blue Ford Escort for you, Mr. Seinfeld. Will you need our insurance?
Jerry: Yeah, you better give me the insurance, because I am going to beat the heck out of this car.

[TheCroShow]

"GET OUT!" -Elaine

[bighomage]

"You're as pretty as any of them. You just need a nose job."

[fluorescenthippo]

Kramer(in a sauna): it's like a sauna in here

[UCF THAYER]

Elaine: Oh. So, you're pretty religious?
Puddy: That's right.
Elaine: So is it a problem that I'm not really religious?
Puddy: Not for me.
Elaine: Why not?
Puddy: I'm not the one going to hell.
Later
Elaine: David, I'm going to hell! The worst place in the world! With devils and those caves and the ragged clothing! And the heat! My god, the heat! I mean, what do you think about all that?
Puddy: Gonna be rough.
Elaine: Uh, you should be trying to save me!
Puddy: Don't boss me! This is why you're going to hell.


FATHER CURTIS: Let me see if I understand this. You're concerned that he isn't concerned that you're going to hell. And you feel that she's too bossy.
ELAINE & PUDDY: Yeah, that's right.
FATHER CURTIS: Well, oftentimes in cases of inter-faith marriages, couples have difficulty--
ELAINE (Interrupting) Woah, woah, woah! No one's getting married here.
FATHER CURTIS: You aren't?
PUDDY: No.
ELAINE: We're just, you know, having a good time.
FATHER CURTIS: Oh, well then it's simple. You're both going to hell.

PUDDY: No way, this is bogus, man!

[Matt Williams]

Clint Howard in the back of the cop car saying Ann Landers sucks when Jerry asks how much to tip a bellhop.

"You've never slipped one past the goalie?"

"That's a Shame."

"I come up the stairs and find you treating your body like it's some kind of amusement park!"

"You were making out during Schindler's List?"