Zeno
11-06-2002, 02:14 AM
I have finally decided to post this story as it is good gossipy news, delightfully perverse, and it being election night; we need a diversion. Least anyone think I am making the story up, and to make sure it passes censorship, it comes directly from a book called, The Best of the Raconteurs, published by the Folio Society of London, 2000. The story appears on page (believe it!) 69. The story is quite true and funny, especially the very last sentence - which is as interesting as it is comical.
THE ABOMINABLE CRIME as recounted by Michael Green.
Reporting the Assizes I was astonished at the number of men accused of making love to animals. Northants was still a rural country then and a bicycle the chief form of transport for farmworkers, so perhaps it wasn't surprising given the perversity of human nature. Some unfortunte farm laborer, wearing the labourer's uniform of thick grey flannel trousers, incongruously topped by the upper half of a double-brested chalk-striped grey suit, and a shirt with collar stud but no collar, would stand with head bowed in the dock of the ancient Assize Court while the clerk read the charge. This was couched in the most awe-inspiring language, something like this: '...that you did commit and perpetrate the abominable crime, to wit BUGGERY, with a sheep, the property of Thos. Hardcastle, at Guilsborough, an April 21st 1948....'
The Abominable Crime became a catchword in the office. 'Much at the Assizes?' Eric would ask and get the replay, 'Oh, only a criminal assault and a couple of abominable crimes.'
The evidence would proceed ponderously.
'As a result of a complaint by a farmer I kept watch on a field near Smith's farm, Rothersthorpe, on the night of July 5th. I saw the defendant enter the field. There was a screeching noise and he came out doing up his clothing.'
Under cross-examination: 'What was the defendent's manner when he came out?'
Very furtive, sir.'
Inevitably a learned gentlemen from the Home Office Forensic Laboratory at Nottingham travelled sixty-five miles to give evidence, and as this rarely amounted to much more than that the sheep was a sheep, judges sometimes abused them for wasting public money. The animal was always destroyed. I asked a policeman why this was and he said cryptically, 'They might get a taste for it, you see.'
THE ABOMINABLE CRIME as recounted by Michael Green.
Reporting the Assizes I was astonished at the number of men accused of making love to animals. Northants was still a rural country then and a bicycle the chief form of transport for farmworkers, so perhaps it wasn't surprising given the perversity of human nature. Some unfortunte farm laborer, wearing the labourer's uniform of thick grey flannel trousers, incongruously topped by the upper half of a double-brested chalk-striped grey suit, and a shirt with collar stud but no collar, would stand with head bowed in the dock of the ancient Assize Court while the clerk read the charge. This was couched in the most awe-inspiring language, something like this: '...that you did commit and perpetrate the abominable crime, to wit BUGGERY, with a sheep, the property of Thos. Hardcastle, at Guilsborough, an April 21st 1948....'
The Abominable Crime became a catchword in the office. 'Much at the Assizes?' Eric would ask and get the replay, 'Oh, only a criminal assault and a couple of abominable crimes.'
The evidence would proceed ponderously.
'As a result of a complaint by a farmer I kept watch on a field near Smith's farm, Rothersthorpe, on the night of July 5th. I saw the defendant enter the field. There was a screeching noise and he came out doing up his clothing.'
Under cross-examination: 'What was the defendent's manner when he came out?'
Very furtive, sir.'
Inevitably a learned gentlemen from the Home Office Forensic Laboratory at Nottingham travelled sixty-five miles to give evidence, and as this rarely amounted to much more than that the sheep was a sheep, judges sometimes abused them for wasting public money. The animal was always destroyed. I asked a policeman why this was and he said cryptically, 'They might get a taste for it, you see.'