Expert Zoologists Opinions on the Animal Tourney (more emails)

[mason55]

I apologize for clogging up the forum, but this is obviously very important and I don't want anyone to miss it.

With that said, holy [censored], these people did a lot of work. I should send them a fruit basket or something. She didn't answer my question about who would win it all though /images/graemlins/frown.gif Guess we'll have to buy the animals still.

----------------------------------------------
Dear Xxxxx,

I'm glad I could help. Here is information about the other animals that you asked about.


Lion vs. Rhino: I think the rhino would have the advantage. The size
difference between the lion and rhino is considerable. The white rhino is the second largest land mammal next to the elephant. The five species of rhino range in weight from 750 pounds to 8,000 pounds and stand anywhere from four and a half to six feet tall and up to 15 ft. long. Because they are very nearsighted, rhinos often charge when they are startled. (This has given them an undeserved reputation for having a bad temper.) Don't be fooled by a rhino's lumbering size-a black rhino can thunder along at 40 miles per hour.


African Lion: Males stand at a shoulder height of about 4 feet and reach about 5 ½ to 8 feet in length. Their tails average a length of 3 to 3 ½ feet, and they can weigh as much as 330 to 550 pounds. Females are smaller than males.

Elephant vs. Grizzly Bear Because of size, the elephant would have the advantage. Remember, in the wild, the grizzly, a type of brown bear, and the elephant would never meet because they do not live in the same regions of the world. In addition, they do not compete for the same food sources.
Elephants are herbivores, eating grass, small branches, and bark from trees.
Grizzly bears eat are omnivores, which means that they will eat both plants and animals. Grasses, sedges, roots, berries, insects, fish, carrion and small and large mammals are all part of a bear's diet. Elephants are found in Africa and SE Asia; Brown bears are found in North America, eastern and western Europe, northern Asia and in Japan. Size alone gives the elephant the advantage. While a grizzly bear seems large to a human, the elephant is the largest land animal Some male elephants can grow to be thirteen feet tall. That's more than twice as tall as many human adults. Elephants can weigh as much as a school bus-between ten and fourteen thousand pounds! An elephant's skin can be up to one inch (2.54 centimeters) thick on some parts of its body. Tusks are an elephant's incisor teeth. They are used for defense, digging for water, and lifting things. Elephants tend to live in herds of 10 or more females and their young. Adult males, called bulls, don't live in a herd. Once male elephants become teenagers, they leave the herd.
Only after they become adults will they visit other herds, and that is only for short periods of time to breed. Bulls do not take part in caring for the young.

One of the largest of living carnivores, grizzly bears can grow as large as 9
ft. in length from head to rump. Females reach their maximum weight of 270
to 770 pounds in 8 years. Males reach their maximum weight of 330 to 1150 pounds in 12 years. Bears are generally solitary. Occasionally, bears may gather in large numbers at major food sources and form family foraging groups with more than one age class of young.

The laws of physics and animal biomechanics prevent a giant animal, like the elephant, from walking faster than about 12 mph. A Grizzly bears can run at
a top speed of 30 m.p.h. but only for a short distance.


Crocodile vs. Human: The crocodile is one of the largest living reptiles.
There are a very few reports of this species attacking humans, but because of the shy and reclusive nature of crocodiles, they generally do not pose a problem for humans. The American crocodile feeds largely on fish and other small marine life. Some large individuals may also feed on small mammals, birds and turtles. In Florida, some are known to eat bass, tarpon and mullet.
If the crocodile and human were to fight, I believe the crocodile has the advantage here, if the human has no weapons.

I hope this information is helpful.

[tbach24]

Wow, that's sweet. All of my votes were right with them then.

[jakethebake]

Hilarious! I love the way he tried to throwmin little educational facts: "Bulls do not take part in caring for the young." How hard do you think the room full of zookeepers was laughing when they got this? And how low on the totem pole is the intern that responded?
/images/graemlins/grin.gif

[mason55]

[ QUOTE ]
Hilarious! I love the way he tried to throwmin little educational facts: "Bulls do not take part in caring for the young." How hard do you think the room full of zookeepers was laughing when they got this? And how low on the totem pole is the intern that responded?
/images/graemlins/grin.gif

[/ QUOTE ]

That's what I was thinking. She added a lot of extra info, but I don't think I can email her and ask "I don't really care the the elephant and grizzly would never fight or even see each other in the wild. We're talking about a pay per view cage match to the death"

Some how I don't see an honest reply coming from that.

[jakethebake]

Maybe we could ask her what match-ups would yield the best entertainment for audiences?

[mason55]

[ QUOTE ]
Maybe we could ask her what match-ups would yield the best entertainment for audiences?

[/ QUOTE ]

I bet she'll be down if we offer her a couple points on the distribution rights. Maybe she can help us find the animals? Oh... this is starting to sound like a fun email just to see what will happen. I'll probably have the FBI show up at my door though.

[jakethebake]

Ask if she has any other animal recommendations as well.

[Shajen]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
Maybe we could ask her what match-ups would yield the best entertainment for audiences?

[/ QUOTE ]

I bet she'll be down if we offer her a couple points on the distribution rights. Maybe she can help us find the animals? Oh... this is starting to sound like a fun email just to see what will happen. I'll probably have the FBI show up at my door though.

[/ QUOTE ]

Whatever happens with this, I applaud your efforts bro.

Great work.

[fsuplayer]

hahah. great avatar/location combo!

[mason55]

[ QUOTE ]
Ask if she has any other animal recommendations as well.

[/ QUOTE ]

Thank you so much for answering my emails. You're probably wondering why I've been asking about fights between random animals. Here's the truth. I am a wealthy businessman from Columbus (the reason I'm corresponding with the Columbus Zoo). My friends and I have grown tired of the normal types of entertainment within society and we're looking for a new investment opportunity. While dining over lobster one night we thought of the idea of a big game death match tournament. Each fight is between two animals who are locked in a cage and are provoked until they fight to the death.

This will provide amazing entertainment for us as well as being a great invesment opportunity. We plan to hold the tournament in a smaller country with less strict laws and video tape the whole thing. We're considering live pay-per-view but a video distribution deal will definitely happen. Even if we don't make money we have more than enough to pay for everything for our own entertainment.

I can tell by the tone of your previous two emails to me that you are interested in the outcomes of these fights. I think it would be a great research opportunity for your zoo as well. The only problem we've had so far is obtaining the animals. If you or the Columbus Zoo could get us one of each species I listed in my previous emails (as well as any other large animals that would provide an entertaining death match), we would make a very large donation to the zoo as well as giving the zoo a few points on video distribution.

Please let me know if you or the zoo in general is interested in this great fundraising/entertainment opportunity. If the Columbus Zoo isn't interested, do you know any other zoos that might be interested? Or maybe some private large game dealers?

Thanks again

[mason55]

[ QUOTE ]
hahah. great avatar/location combo!

[/ QUOTE ]

Man I wish i'd thought of that :-/

[tbach24]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
Ask if she has any other animal recommendations as well.

[/ QUOTE ]

Thank you so much for answering my emails. You're probably wondering why I've been asking about fights between random animals. Here's the truth. I am a wealthy businessman from Columbus (the reason I'm corresponding with the Columbus Zoo). My friends and I have grown tired of the normal types of entertainment within society and we're looking for a new investment opportunity. While dining over lobster one night we thought of the idea of a big game death match tournament. Each fight is between two animals who are locked in a cage and are provoked until they fight to the death.

This will provide amazing entertainment for us as well as being a great invesment opportunity. We plan to hold the tournament in a smaller country with less strict laws and video tape the whole thing. We're considering live pay-per-view but a video distribution deal will definitely happen. Even if we don't make money we have more than enough to pay for everything for our own entertainment.

I can tell by the tone of your previous two emails to me that you are interested in the outcomes of these fights. I think it would be a great research opportunity for your zoo as well. The only problem we've had so far is obtaining the animals. If you or the Columbus Zoo could get us one of each species I listed in my previous emails (as well as any other large animals that would provide an entertaining death match), we would make a very large donation to the zoo as well as giving the zoo a few points on video distribution.

Please let me know if you or the zoo in general is interested in this great fundraising/entertainment opportunity. If the Columbus Zoo isn't interested, do you know any other zoos that might be interested? Or maybe some private large game dealers?

Thanks again

[/ QUOTE ]

lmao. did you really send that?

[willie]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
Ask if she has any other animal recommendations as well.

[/ QUOTE ]

Thank you so much for answering my emails. You're probably wondering why I've been asking about fights between random animals. Here's the truth. I am a wealthy businessman from Columbus (the reason I'm corresponding with the Columbus Zoo). My friends and I have grown tired of the normal types of entertainment within society and we're looking for a new investment opportunity. While dining over lobster one night we thought of the idea of a big game death match tournament. Each fight is between two animals who are locked in a cage and are provoked until they fight to the death.

This will provide amazing entertainment for us as well as being a great invesment opportunity. We plan to hold the tournament in a smaller country with less strict laws and video tape the whole thing. We're considering live pay-per-view but a video distribution deal will definitely happen. Even if we don't make money we have more than enough to pay for everything for our own entertainment.

I can tell by the tone of your previous two emails to me that you are interested in the outcomes of these fights. I think it would be a great research opportunity for your zoo as well. The only problem we've had so far is obtaining the animals. If you or the Columbus Zoo could get us one of each species I listed in my previous emails (as well as any other large animals that would provide an entertaining death match), we would make a very large donation to the zoo as well as giving the zoo a few points on video distribution.

Please let me know if you or the zoo in general is interested in this great fundraising/entertainment opportunity. If the Columbus Zoo isn't interested, do you know any other zoos that might be interested? Or maybe some private large game dealers?

Thanks again

[/ QUOTE ]

the reply to this email is going to be classic.

[mason55]

I posted it here first to get some impressions. if you guys think it's good i'll send it.

[fsuplayer]

you are quickly becoming one of my favorite posters.

[jakethebake]

ROFOFOFL! I'm crying! Oh my side! It hurts! POTY!

Send it! Send it now! /images/graemlins/grin.gif

[Soul Daddy]

Can you post the e-mails that you've sent her? For some reason I bet they're amusing as well.

[tbach24]

[ QUOTE ]
you are quickly becoming one of my favorite posters.

[/ QUOTE ]

[mason55]

[ QUOTE ]
Can you post the e-mails that you've sent her? For some reason I bet they're amusing as well.

[/ QUOTE ]

Meh the ones I sent aren't that great, I just wrote like a little kid who was arguing with his friends cause I wanted some real info. Now that she's given me what I want I can harass her with this third email.

[pshreck]

Your email is funny / satirical, but I think it would be a dick move to send it. They have been really cool in responding to our theoretical questions, why send them an email that will almost certainly offend them, when it's just for us to get a laugh?

[jakethebake]

[ QUOTE ]
Your email is funny / satirical, but I think it would be a dick move to send it. They have been really cool in responding to our theoretical questions, why send them an email that will almost certainly offend them, when it's just for us to get a laugh?

[/ QUOTE ]

for us to get a laugh.

[IndieMatty]

[ QUOTE ]
you are quickly becoming one of my favorite posters.

[/ QUOTE ]

[pshreck]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
Your email is funny / satirical, but I think it would be a dick move to send it. They have been really cool in responding to our theoretical questions, why send them an email that will almost certainly offend them, when it's just for us to get a laugh?

[/ QUOTE ]

for us to get a laugh.

[/ QUOTE ]

It may seem stupid for me to argue against that on a place like OOT, I just was really impressed that someone took the emails seriously and responded to us. Dont know why we would want to turn it around and mock them.

[IndieMatty]

This just might be the best thing posted here in the last two weeks. Brilliant.

[mason55]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
Your email is funny / satirical, but I think it would be a dick move to send it. They have been really cool in responding to our theoretical questions, why send them an email that will almost certainly offend them, when it's just for us to get a laugh?

[/ QUOTE ]

for us to get a laugh.

[/ QUOTE ]

It may seem stupid for me to argue against that on a place like OOT, I just was really impressed that someone took the emails seriously and responded to us. Dont know why we would want to turn it around and mock them.

[/ QUOTE ]

That's why I haven't sent it yet and instead posted it here. I'm thinking if I'll even get a response, because without a response it's pointless. I had considered this though.

[pshreck]

Well you have my opinion. I think there is a solid chance they will be able to tell it is a joke, and will enjoy it themselves. I would hate for it to ruin this lady's day though.

[sexypanda]

Don't listen to him. Send it. It's funny and will bring a little excitement to their lives. I think it's +EV for everyone invloved.

[mason55]

[ QUOTE ]
Well you have my opinion. I think there is a solid chance they will be able to tell it is a joke, and will enjoy it themselves. I would hate for it to ruin this lady's day though.

[/ QUOTE ]

Yeah, she obviously took a lot of time to write those emails to me, and it's not in my nature to be a dick. I will think about this the rest of the day at work. I'll probably get drunk and send it tonight though.

[mason55]

[ QUOTE ]
Don't listen to him. Send it. It's funny and will bring a little excitement to their lives. I think it's +EV for everyone invloved.

[/ QUOTE ]

Haha when I get home from work I'll drink some tequila and then decide. I just hope I get a response!!

[Chairman Wood]

Send them a picture of the hot tub and tell them these are your business associates that are in on this deal with you.

[IndieMatty]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
Well you have my opinion. I think there is a solid chance they will be able to tell it is a joke, and will enjoy it themselves. I would hate for it to ruin this lady's day though.

[/ QUOTE ]

Yeah, thats a rough moral decision. I struggle constantly with the humor vs [censored] behavior issues. I think I leaned towards humor up until I was 25, and recently I've been a lot nicer but not nearly as funny.

Yeah, she obviously took a lot of time to write those emails to me, and it's not in my nature to be a dick. I will think about this the rest of the day at work. I'll probably get drunk and send it tonight though.

[/ QUOTE ]

[Chairman Wood]

Well whatever you do send a hot tub picture and say "My friends and I thank you!"

[Edge34]

Oh my god this is [censored]' hilarious... /images/graemlins/grin.gif

We should see if a big group like PETA wants part of the action. /images/graemlins/tongue.gif

[Chairman Wood]

[ QUOTE ]
Remember, in the wild, the grizzly, a type of brown bear, and the elephant would never meet because they do not live in the same regions of the world. In addition, they do not compete for the same food sources.


[/ QUOTE ]
I did not know that.

[Voltron87]

ROFLMAO

[jakethebake]

Ask them for a recommendation for a liger-breeding consultant too.

[Blarg]

I think the dining on lobster bit was overdone, but the letter was hilarious.

But I agree on the dick factor. After the zoo lady has been nice enough to respond to repeated e-mails, telling her you've basically duped her and are just a jerk is kind of uncool.

Not that I argue against the funniness of it whatsoever; but it does kind of seem like a pointless slap in the face.

Now, if you were to send that letter to some OTHER zoo that you had never written to before...now you're just talking a classic crank letter.

[partygirluk]

Very very funny.

[fsuplayer]

[ QUOTE ]
I think the dining on lobster bit was overdone, but the letter was hilarious.

But I agree on the dick factor. After the zoo lady has been nice enough to respond to repeated e-mails, telling her you've basically duped her and are just a jerk is kind of uncool.

Not that I argue against the funniness of it whatsoever; but it does kind of seem like a pointless slap in the face.

Now, if you were to send that letter to some OTHER zoo that you had never written to before...now you're just talking a classic crank letter.

[/ QUOTE ]

couldnt agree more with this post.

hilarious as hell, but i hate being a dick when people are nice to me, and I would kinda feel bad encouraging you to do this.

i like the idea of another zoo, catch them completely off guard.

[slickpoppa]

I vote for you not sending it

[tolbiny]

i vote against.

[ilya]

This is a good start but to get some really great answers you'd have to ask Roman emperors.

[fsuplayer]

*cue someone with that awesome thumbs down pose of whats-his-face-phoneix in gladiator*

[mason55]

[ QUOTE ]
*cue someone with that awesome thumbs down pose of whats-his-face-phoneix in gladiator*

[/ QUOTE ]

perfect. to another zoo it shall go!

[jakethebake]

What the hell is wrong with you people? This is clearly hilarious! Yes, it's slightly azzhole but it's not like you're hitting the lady in the head with a bat or something. I'm sure she'd be slightly pissed off, but that's exactly what makes it funny.