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View Full Version : can you cheat and still have an intimate relationship?


gamblore99
04-02-2005, 04:58 PM
the banged her best friend post sparked this. I don't understand how people can cheat on there girlfriend/fiance/wife whom they claim to really care about. I mean, how can you look this person in the eye after you have lied and decieved them? All trust is shattered. It's one thing if it is just a sexual relationship with no real feelings involved (though i don't think i would cheat here, dunno really), but if you really care about someone, wouldn't cheating ruin your entire relationship? especially if you haven't told her.

ucfryan
04-02-2005, 05:07 PM
[ QUOTE ]
can you cheat and still have an intimate relationship?

[/ QUOTE ]

No.

PoBoy321
04-02-2005, 05:10 PM
I think that it's situation dependent. For example, I think that a college kid who's in a serious relationship, but one night goes out, gets trashed and ends up hooking up with some girl is more forgivable than a married guy with kids who's screwing around with his secretary. In the former relationship, there's still a chance for the guy to redeem himself, while I think that the marriage in the second example is unsalvagable.

tdarko
04-02-2005, 05:13 PM
i have (ignorantly) been in the first situation you mention and it's unsalvagable as well because once trust is broken its over. the only difference is that in the first situation its easier to move on b/c it is just a college relationship where as a marriage has alternate factors such as kids.

uw_madtown
04-02-2005, 05:18 PM
No. I'm one of those people, if a chick cheated on me, it's over. Don't care what the excuse is, don't want to hear it. We're done, get out.

Mostly because I'm NOT a jealous guy. I trust people I'm seeing a lot, so I don't feel jealous when they have guys as friends that they hang out with, or whatever. I know I'm just-friends with many girls, frequently flirt and joke around with them all in the name of fun.

But I see that as okay, because I'm incapable of cheating. I just couldn't do it, ever. If I'm in a relationship, I'd trust her the same way.

If you break that simplest level of trust, I have no time for you. I'd expect the same if I, for some unforeseeable reason, was the cheater.

trying2learn
04-02-2005, 05:19 PM
there are marriages and solid relationships that continue on after adultry. my parents had a great marriage for 30 years (until my moms death) and my father cheated on her, yet still cared for her deeply. he regrets it quite a bit now...but it happened...and they got through it. to say this is a situational topic would be an understatement.

tdarko
04-02-2005, 05:22 PM
i completely understand that you can still deeply love and care for and work things out after adultry, but the trust is broken and that can't be changed is all i am saying.

uw_madtown
04-02-2005, 05:27 PM
[ QUOTE ]
i completely understand that you can still deeply love and care for and work things out after adultry, but the trust is broken and that can't be changed is all i am saying.

[/ QUOTE ]

I'm sure it's possible for some, even many, people.

I don't think it's so much situation dependent as it is dependent on the individuals involved.

jaxUp
04-02-2005, 05:27 PM
I would be unable to do this. I think some can...I have no idea how.

Matty
04-02-2005, 05:30 PM
Yes. The idea of monogamy is recent, unnatural, and unsuccessful.

The trick is finding a girl who understands this. Preferably an Anthropology major. =]

DcifrThs
04-02-2005, 05:47 PM
[ QUOTE ]
the banged her best friend post sparked this. I don't understand how people can cheat on there girlfriend/fiance/wife whom they claim to really care about. I mean, how can you look this person in the eye after you have lied and decieved them? All trust is shattered. It's one thing if it is just a sexual relationship with no real feelings involved (though i don't think i would cheat here, dunno really), but if you really care about someone, wouldn't cheating ruin your entire relationship? especially if you haven't told her.

[/ QUOTE ]

polyamorous relationships exist and are successful. jealousy for the one you love is probably the most difficult to deal with but its very possible...monogomy is one way to live. and within THAT way to live, cheating is unacceptable b/c trust is broken.

similarly, in a polyamorous relationship, its the same in that if you have sex or "cheat" in that you gave your word about not having/having sex with somebody and you do it then the trust wihtin THAT relationship is also broken.

-Barron

PS- for accurate and good discussion of this topic read "The Ethical Slut"

BusterStacks
04-02-2005, 05:50 PM
"The problem is, you dudes treat the one that you lovin
with the same respect that you treat the one that you humpin"

Yes.

thatpfunk
04-02-2005, 05:54 PM
Yes. Many people do it.

bogey
04-02-2005, 06:17 PM
[ QUOTE ]
Yes. The idea of monogamy is recent, unnatural, and unsuccessful.

The trick is finding a girl who understands this. Preferably an Anthropology major. =]

[/ QUOTE ]

No the trick is finding a girl who understand this, but also understands the double standard that it only applies to guys. /images/graemlins/tongue.gif

Girchuck
04-02-2005, 06:49 PM
Open relationship. If you can handle open relationship, this issue becomes moot.
Also, lies of omission are very easy. If you cheated once in a remote town and no one ever finds out, you would be wise to hold your peace. Trust is only shattered if you get caught/give a reason to strongly suspect you.

trying2learn
04-02-2005, 06:51 PM
that's a good point...people assume cheating is breaking the trust but it's like the tree in the woods argument.

you haven't broken trust until that person finds out...now were into a moral thing.

gamblore99
04-02-2005, 07:43 PM
polyamorous relationships exist and are successful. jealousy for the one you love is probably the most difficult to deal with but its very possible...monogomy is one way to live. and within THAT way to live, cheating is unacceptable b/c trust is broken.

I think polyamarous relationships are fine. And like you said it is not cheating. I don't think polyamarous relationships apply here because there is no breach of trust or betrayal.

gamblore99
04-02-2005, 07:46 PM
[ QUOTE ]
that's a good point...people assume cheating is breaking the trust but it's like the tree in the woods argument.

you haven't broken trust until that person finds out...now were into a moral thing.

[/ QUOTE ]

No it still is cheating. You are aware of the fact that you have cheated. Everytime you tell this girl how much you love her and all that [censored] you know its all a lie.

gamblore99
04-02-2005, 07:56 PM
oh ya. another question. how far into a relationship do you consider it cheating?

like if you get a girls number, then later that night you meet another girl who just wants a 1 night thing, is that cheating? what about after lik 3 dates?

trying2learn
04-02-2005, 07:57 PM
are you serious?! after you get a girls number?! i think you may be one of those cats who falls for someone WAY to quickly.

you get a girls phone number and sleep with another girl that night and you want to know if that's cheating? that's the oddest thing i've heard in awhile.

gamblore99
04-02-2005, 08:04 PM
[ QUOTE ]
are you serious?! after you get a girls number?! i think you may be one of those cats who falls for someone WAY to quickly.

you get a girls phone number and sleep with another girl that night and you want to know if that's cheating? that's the oddest thing i've heard in awhile.

[/ QUOTE ]

Reread my post. I didn't say I think that is cheating.
I was asking when you guys consider it cheating.

Felix_Nietsche
04-02-2005, 08:05 PM
If a chick cheats on me....it is over FOREVER. NO forgiveness.
I've learned the hard way.

I cheated once and it was because an ex-GF showed up at my apartment while my GF was out of town and threw herself at me... She seduced me. /images/graemlins/smile.gif She walked in in her sexiest outfit and talking honey into my ear. If any guy here could say no in that situation, then you have more self-control than me.
I blew my ex-gf off after that... And I stayed w/ my GF and we had a nice thing going for two years afterwards.

But with my ex-GF it was just closure sex and I zero no desire to see her again... My ex was probably hurt by the blow-off because wanted to get back together... But I didn't care...I loved my GF and she is who I wanted to be with.

oreogod
04-02-2005, 08:29 PM
[ QUOTE ]
If a chick cheats on me....it is over FOREVER. NO forgiveness.
I've learned the hard way.

I cheated once and it was because an ex-GF showed up at my apartment while my GF was out of town and threw herself at me... She seduced me. /images/graemlins/smile.gif She walked in in her sexiest outfit and talking honey into my ear. If any guy here could say no in that situation, then you have more self-control than me.
I blew my ex-gf off after that... And I stayed w/ my GF and we had a nice thing going for two years afterwards.

But with my ex-GF it was just closure sex and I zero no desire to see her again... My ex was probably hurt by the blow-off because wanted to get back together... But I didn't care...I loved my GF and she is who I wanted to be with.

[/ QUOTE ]

Haha, Ive been in a similar situation about two years ago. I know most pple read the above post will find it ridicioulous but, for me, its much harder when the Ex comes around -- especially if shes hot, you still care about her somewhat and when u parted ways it didnt go over to horribly. Especially if she shows up unannounced looking way sexy, christ thats a hard one.

I wont try and justify that situation, obviously it's unethical, and showcases no morals...it was a mistake at the time, but the gf never found out, I just kept it to myself. Of course I have since moved on and past even that relationship.

gumpzilla
04-02-2005, 08:48 PM
[ QUOTE ]
If a chick cheats on me....it is over FOREVER. NO forgiveness.
I've learned the hard way.

[/ QUOTE ]

[ QUOTE ]
But with my ex-GF it was just closure sex and I zero no desire to see her again... My ex was probably hurt by the blow-off because wanted to get back together... But I didn't care...I loved my GF and she is who I wanted to be with.

[/ QUOTE ]

Ah, so you're a douchebag. Thanks for clarifying.

jakethebake
04-02-2005, 09:12 PM
[ QUOTE ]
can you cheat and still have an intimate relationship?

[/ QUOTE ]

maybe. but who the hell really wants one. i spend most of my time trying NOT to talk to her. /images/graemlins/grin.gif

Felix_Nietsche
04-03-2005, 03:04 AM
I don't know about that but I've had a very good time. /images/graemlins/smile.gif