Funniest Family Guy Quotes/Scenes

[i wanna be me]

Everyone's got a favourite or two....

When Peter is watching that "relationship video" and Lois interrupts the video - once he sees the real Lois and starts making out with her he rewinds the tape over and over - "you should have told me....."

Classic!

[ArchAngel71857]

the one where peter uses the search function to bring up the 50 other times this has been done.

I think it's on Road to Rhode Island.

-AA

[istewart]

"Oh my god, are you Stephen King?"

"No, Dean Koontz."

[moondogg]

<---

[DemonDeac]

Peter: "Yea, I read about this once in a book"
Brian: "Are you sure it was a book? Are you sure it wasn't nothing"


Peter: "My Alphabets are talking to me. They're saying, 'oooooooooo'".
Brian: Peter, those are cheerios


Lois: That commerical is so disgusting. It was obviously made by men.
Peter: Of course a man made it, Lois. It's a commerical, not a delicious Thanksgiving meal.


hahahahah

[moondogg]

Oh no, Lois. A guy I know bought a car out of the paper once.

Ten years later, BAAM. Herpes.

[istewart]

The Dennis Miller intro, I forget which episode right now. It's a spot-on impersonation.

"I don't want to go on a rant, here, but America's foreign policy makes about as much sense as Beowulf having sex with Robert Fulton at the first battle of Antietam. I mean when a neo-conservative defenestrates it's like Raskolnikov filibuster deoxymonohydroxinate..."

[AngryCola]

Here are a couple.


"Lois: I care about the size of your penis as much as you care about the size of my breasts.


Peter: Oh my God! (runs off crying)"

-*-*-

"Olivia: You are the weakest link, goodbye. (laughter)


Stewie: Ha ha ha! Oh gosh that's funny! That's really funny! Do you write your own material? Do you? Because that is so fresh. You are the weakest link goodbye. You know, I've, I've never heard anyone make that joke before. Hmm. You're the first. I've never heard anyone reference, reference that outside the program before.

Because that's what she says on the show right? Isn't it? You are the weakest link goodbye. And, and yet you've taken that and used it out of context to insult me in this everyday situation.

God what a clever, smart girl you must be, to come up with a joke like that all by yourself. That's so fresh too. Any, any Titanic jokes you want to throw at me too as long as we're hitting these phenomena at the height of their popularity.

God you're so funny!"

[Huskiez]

Excuse me, is your refrigerator running? Because if it is, it probably runs like you -- very homosexually.

[cielo]

Peter signs some sort of loan w/ a shady guy, buys boat etc.

House gets taken away...

Brian: Peter didn't you read the fine print?

Peter: If by read the fine print you mean imagined a naked lady, yes.

classic example of the humor syllogism

if by x, you mean -x, then yes.

brilliant

[ QUOTE ]
Everyone's got a favourite or two....

When Peter is watching that "relationship video" and Lois interrupts the video - once he sees the real Lois and starts making out with her he rewinds the tape over and over - "you should have told me....."

Classic!

[/ QUOTE ]

Das Gym. By a mile.

[i wanna be me]

"a boat is a boat, but the mystery box could be anything - it could even be a boat! you know how we've always wanted one of those...."
"then let's just take..."
"we'll take the box"

[MEbenhoe]

Oh No!
Oh No!
Oh No!

Oh Yeah!

[i wanna be me]

[ QUOTE ]
"I don't want to go on a rant, here, but America's foreign policy makes about as much sense as Beowulf having sex with Robert Fulton at the first battle of Antietam. I mean when a neo-conservative defenestrates it's like Raskolnikov filibuster deoxymonohydroxinate..."

[/ QUOTE ]

haha "what the hell is a rant"

[moondogg]

[ QUOTE ]
Oh No!
Oh No!
Oh No!

Oh Yeah!

[/ QUOTE ]

Winner.

[i wanna be me]

Drunk Sheriff: "The only thing you do around here is eat pie and get drunk"
Peter: "Pie.......drunk.....the?"

[AngryCola]

[ QUOTE ]
Oh No!
Oh No!
Oh No!

Oh Yeah!

[/ QUOTE ]



http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v431/AngryCola/kool1.jpg

[Edge34]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
Oh No!
Oh No!
Oh No!

Oh Yeah!

[/ QUOTE ]

Winner.

[/ QUOTE ]

[mgsimpleton]

chris: ok guess what i'm thinking of. it's not kitty
meg: is it kitty?
chris: get out of my head! get out of my head!


then there's the diamonds ad: "diamonds. she'll pretty much have to."


or:
brian: you wanna cookie?
stewie shakes head
brian: you wanna soda?
stewie shakes head
brian: you wanna go take a dump in mother maggie's shoes?
stewie nods.
brian: ok, let's go take a dump in mother maggie's shoes.

[bugstud]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
Oh No!
Oh No!
Oh No!

Oh Yeah!

[/ QUOTE ]



http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v431/AngryCola/kool1.jpg

[/ QUOTE ]

WIIIINNAR

[mgsimpleton]

also with the quote where brian says "are you sure it was a book? are you sure it wasn't... nothing?" i'm pretty sure peter responds "oh yeah" which to me is even funnier than the other line.

[i wanna be me]

Where Peter is Lois' bitch and the next morning he's eating Stewie's cookies:

Stewie: "Whoa! What the hell do you think you're doing?"
Peter: "Run along Stewie, daddy had a rough night"
Stewie: "How dare you.....I'm going to find something to strike you with! Excuse me...."

[TheIrishThug]

[ QUOTE ]
"a boat is a boat, but the mystery box could be anything - it could even be a boat! you know how we've always wanted one of those...."
"then let's just take..."
"we'll take the box"

[/ QUOTE ]

and don't forget:
Peter: Ok, here's another riddle. A woman has two children. A homicidal murderer tells her she can only keep one. Which one does she let him kill?
Brian: That's... that's not a riddle. That's... that's just terrible.
Peter: Wrong, the ugly one!

and "I felt Guilty once, but she woke up half way through." -- Quagmire

[Phoenix1010]

I didn't know Optimus Prime was Jewish!

[jason_t]

Peter: You want to know what my problem is? You want to know what my problem is? I LOVE TOO MUCH!
Lois: Peter, what are you talking about?
Peter (dramatically): Don't you see, Lois? We're alive!
Lois: Peter, you're scaring me.
Peter (shaking Lois): Good! Embrace the fear. (Peter dances on tiptoes) Dance with me, Lois. Dance the dance of life! (Peter moves backwards, tripping over a coffee table and crashing into a cabinet)

[LAGmaniac]

<------------------------



Oh Yeah!!!

[MEbenhoe]

awesome avatar /images/graemlins/grin.gif

[AngryCola]

[ QUOTE ]
awesome avatar /images/graemlins/grin.gif

[/ QUOTE ]

It runs too fast in firefox.
I'm going to try to fix it (avatar) to make it smoother.

Why?

Because I'm bored.

I forget, why do some GIFs run at a faster speed in firefox?

[LAGmaniac]

I get that a lot /images/graemlins/grin.gif
Oh yeah!

[Russ McGinley]

Peter Griffin: Well, fine. Until you put 'Gumbel 2 Gumbel' back on the air, I'm going on a hunger strike. Can you live with that? Huh, can you?"
[brief pause]
Peter Griffin: You gonna eat that stapler?
Network executive: Mr. Griffin, you can't eat a...
Peter Griffin: Wanna split it?

Glen Quagmire: Don't look at me like that. Fat chicks need love too... but they got to pay.

Young Peter Griffin: Why did all the dinosaurs die?
Museum Curator: Because you touch yourself at night.
[Peter looks down in shame]

Auctioner: Our first item is a pair of panties confiscated from a prostitute.
Glen Quagmire: Fifty bucks.
Auctioner: She had nine STDs.
Glen Quagmire: Forty-five bucks.
Auctioner: And when we caught her she wet herself.
Glen Quagmire: Fifty bucks.

Quagmire: Hello there, cutie. How old are you?
Girl: Sixteen.
Quagmire: Eighteen? You're first.
Girl: MOM.
Quagmire: I like where this is going.

[jason_t]

Stewie: Ah! Damn it! I want pancakes. God! You people understand every language except English. Yo quiero pancakes. Donnez-moi pancakes. Clik clik bloody clik pancakes.
Foster Mother: Poor little guy, pancakes must be street for crack.

[Edge34]

[ QUOTE ]

Quagmire: Hello there, cutie. How old are you?
Girl: Sixteen.
Quagmire: Eighteen? You're first.
Girl: MOM.
Quagmire: I like where this is going.

[/ QUOTE ]

Giggity giggity gi-gi-ty!

[Daliman]

(guys realize they are in a lesbian bar..)

Oh. /images/graemlins/confused.gif Oh /images/graemlins/ooo.gif Oh! /images/graemlins/laugh.gif Oh. /images/graemlins/frown.gif

[LAGmaniac]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
awesome avatar /images/graemlins/grin.gif

[/ QUOTE ]

It runs too fast in firefox.
I'm going to try to fix it (avatar) to make it smoother.

Why?

Because I'm bored.

I forget, why do some GIFs run at a faster speed in firefox?

[/ QUOTE ]

I slowed it down, not sure why it plays differently on firefox..

[AngryCola]

[ QUOTE ]


I slowed it down, not sure why it plays differently on firefox..

[/ QUOTE ]

Yeah, it looks much better now.

[Benholio]

Peter: Just don't forget our deal, Lois. I sit through this and later tonight I get anal. You hear me? No matter how neat I want the house you have to clean it.

[Eurotrash]

The scene in Benholio's avatar /images/graemlins/smirk.gif

ssssssssssss-AHHHHHHH!

[Daliman]

Peter to Lois: "Ok, but if I win, when we get home, I get anal. I'm serious, no matter how clean the house is, you keep cleaning"

(not verbatim)

[Dantes]

Holy water? Where's that acid I ordered?

[JKDStudent]

Sun: "Every day's a great day with two scoops of raisins!" *drops car-sized raisins from the sky*

Brian: "Hey, how about a little less criticism and a little more shut the hell up!"

[AEKDBet]

[after having sex]
Social Worker: Glen, honey. Can I ask you a question? What do you do for a living?
Quagmire: Heh! I got a question for you too. Why are you still here?

[Reef]

Peter: Ah, my first bike, I had so much fun playing with it...(flashback)little Peter: More tea, Mr. Bike?

[Reef]

Chris:Hey meg guess what word I'm thinking, this time its definitely not kitty
Meg: is it kitty?
Chris: AAAAH Get out of my head!!

[AEKDBet]

Joe Swanson: Hey, Pat, where's the wheelchair ramp?
Pawtucket Pat: Oh, we don't have one. I guess this is where you get off.
[Pawtucket Pat blows a whistle and the Chumba Wumbas come out]
Chumba Wumba Chorus: Chumba Wumba gobbledy goo / Life isn't fair it's sad but it's true / Chumba Wumba gobbledy gee / When your poor legs are stiff as a tree.
Chumba Wumba #1: What do you do when you're stuck in a chair?
Chumba Wumba #2: Finding it hard to go up and down stairs?
Chumba Wumba #3: What do you think of the one you call God?
Chumba Wumba Chorus: Isn't His absence slight-ly odd?
Chumba Wumba #4: Maybe He's forgotten you.
Chumba Wumba Chorus: Chumba wumba gobbledy gorse / Count yourself lucky you're not a horse / They would turn you into dog food / Or to chumba wumba gobbledy glue!
[the Chumba Wumbas push Joe out of the factory]
Joe Swanson: I'm glad I'm not taking your stupid tour! I'm a Coors man anyway. Silver bullet!

[Reef]

Peter: Oh my God, it's better than i thought. it's an audi. i'm getting a car.
Brian: Peter, there's a T in there your getting an audit.
Peter: No Brian it's a foreign car. The T is silent. Sweet i'm getting an audi.
Chris: I have an inny.

[Reef]

this thread kicks major ass.

definite POTD. Possible POTY candidate.

[The Armchair]

"Diamonds.

She'll pretty much have to."

[Suited Deuce]

Lois: Oh, I haven't been on a college campus in years. Everything seems so different.
Stewie: Really? Perhaps if you laid on your back with your ankels behind your ears that would ring a few bells.


Stewie: You know, I rather like this God fellow. Very theatrical, you know. Pestilence here, a plague there. Omnipotence ... gotta get me some of that.

[kyro]

[ QUOTE ]
the one where peter uses the search function to bring up the 50 other times this has been done.

I think it's on Road to Rhode Island.

-AA

[/ QUOTE ]

Nope, Road to Europe. But I always get those two mixed up because they're both Roads.

[fsuplayer]

[ QUOTE ]
this thread kicks major ass.


[/ QUOTE ]

[LotsOfOuts69]

Guy:In order to pass you need to answer this question, name something you bring to a picnic.

Peter:(discusses with family)We're gonna go with Potato Salad

Guy:"Show me Potato Salad!......."

(Points to the non-existant family feud board)

Peter:(whispers) I think we better go

--LoO

[ddollevoet]

[ QUOTE ]
(guys realize they are in a lesbian bar..)

Oh. /images/graemlins/confused.gif Oh /images/graemlins/ooo.gif Oh! /images/graemlins/laugh.gif Oh. /images/graemlins/frown.gif

[/ QUOTE ]

All the guys leave, except Quagmire. He walks up to a group of women as says:

"Sooooo.... any of you ever been penetrated?"

[miajag81]

[ QUOTE ]
also with the quote where brian says "are you sure it was a book? are you sure it wasn't... nothing?" i'm pretty sure peter responds "oh yeah" which to me is even funnier than the other line.

[/ QUOTE ]

YES.

[captZEEbo1]

Peter: If you could be stranded on a desert island with any woman in the world, who would it be?
Quagmire: Taylor Hanson.
Joe: Taylor Hanson is a guy.
Quagmire: You guys are yankin' me. "Hey, let's put one over on Quagmire."
Peter: No, he's actually a guy, Quagmire.
Quagmire: What? That's insane. That's impossible. Oh god. Oh my god. I've got all these magazines. Oh god

[TheIrishThug]

Quagmire: WHOA! Transvestite! BACK OFF! ... Wait a minute, pre-op or post-op?.
Other person: Pre-op.
Quagmire: WHOA! Transvestite! BACK OFF!

Meg: Chris, you're hogging up all the fans.
Chris: Yeah, well, you're, hogging up all the UGLY!

Peter: WILSON...WILSON...WILSON
Ball: My name is voit, dumbass

[meep_42]

Quag: "Dear diary -- Jackpot."

-d

[BiffMan]

[ QUOTE ]
Joe Swanson: Hey, Pat, where's the wheelchair ramp?
Pawtucket Pat: Oh, we don't have one. I guess this is where you get off.
[Pawtucket Pat blows a whistle and the Chumba Wumbas come out]
Chumba Wumba Chorus: Chumba Wumba gobbledy goo / Life isn't fair it's sad but it's true / Chumba Wumba gobbledy gee / When your poor legs are stiff as a tree.
Chumba Wumba #1: What do you do when you're stuck in a chair?
Chumba Wumba #2: Finding it hard to go up and down stairs?
Chumba Wumba #3: What do you think of the one you call God?
Chumba Wumba Chorus: Isn't His absence slight-ly odd?
Chumba Wumba #4: Maybe He's forgotten you.
Chumba Wumba Chorus: Chumba wumba gobbledy gorse / Count yourself lucky you're not a horse / They would turn you into dog food / Or to chumba wumba gobbledy glue!
[the Chumba Wumbas push Joe out of the factory]
Joe Swanson: I'm glad I'm not taking your stupid tour! I'm a Coors man anyway. Silver bullet!

[/ QUOTE ]

Particurally the "What do you think of the one you call God" part... /images/graemlins/laugh.gif

Close second would be when Stewie does Shatner's Rocket Man... Brilliant!

[kerssens]

Announcer: The password is...flaming

Peter: Yooooouuuu
Tony Randall: Actor?
Peter: Yooooouuuu
Tony Randall: Tony?
Peter: Yooooouuuu....

[beerbandit]

I.R.S. Representative:Well sir, I'm afraid that your not qualified for a tax refund.

Peter:AAAHHHHH... ohh sorry, i still haven't gotten over the loss of party of five.

I.R.S.: Well as I was saying you are not getting a tax refund.

Peter:AAAHHHHHH... oh Party of Five. What were you saying?

IRS: You're not intitled for a tax refund.

Peter: AAHHHHH!

IRS: Was that for Party of Five again?

Peter: No, that was for my tax refund! What the hell is Party of Five!?
--------------------------------------

Lois: I care about the size of your penis as much as you care about the size of my breasts.

Peter: Oh my God! (runs off crying)

[i wanna be me]

Peter: "Hey, you're sitting in my favourite seat, and I had sex with your mother last night"
New Yorker: "What did you just say?"
Peter: "What, about the seat? Or about me plowing your father's wife?"

[jakethebake]

[ QUOTE ]
Oh No!
Oh No!
Oh No!

Oh Yeah!

[/ QUOTE ]

context?

[kipin]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
Oh No!
Oh No!
Oh No!

Oh Yeah!

[/ QUOTE ]

context?

[/ QUOTE ]


They are sitting in court with Peter (The father) on trial, and the judge sentences Peter to some amount of jail time. The camera pans the room scanning his family and they all say "Oh No!" and then the Kool-Aid man jumps through the building, says, "OH YEAAHHH", looks around nervously and leaves.

This was in the very first episode of Family Guy.

[trotski]

Stewie: "I thought this was 'kids say the darndest things' not old black comics don't know when to shut the hell up."

[shant]

Chris: Dad, what's the blow-hole for?
Peter: I'll tell you what it's not for, son. And when I do, you'll understand why I can never go back to Sea World.

[Wes ManTooth]

Peter "The lesson here is that abusing alcohol has absolutely no negative consequences. You have your trophy and my brain cells are just fine."

[Freakin]

Man: "It's A JACKAL! A JACKAL! IS IT A JACKAL?! JACKAL! IT LOOKS LIKE A JACKAL! JACKAL! IT'S A JACKAL!"
Stewie: "It wasn't a jackal the first time you said it, why the hell would it be one the next 10 times."

Freakin

[Sponger15SB]

[ QUOTE ]
the one where peter uses the search function to bring up the 50 other times this has been done.

I think it's on Road to Rhode Island.

-AA

[/ QUOTE ]


Yeah that took me about a minute to get it.

[Suited Deuce]

just ran across this, thought i'd share.

http://www.briansbar.com/Returnbig.gif

[Russ McGinley]

[ QUOTE ]
just ran across this, thought i'd share.

http://www.briansbar.com/Returnbig.gif

[/ QUOTE ]

nh

[Dr. Strangelove]

Quagmire walks up to woman at theme park: "You must be this beautiful to ride the Quagmire."

[Russ McGinley]

Peter Griffin: Lois, come see what I did with the money your dad gave me.
Lois Griffin: Oh my God. You turned the den into Pee-Wee's Playhouse?
Peter Griffin: [singing] Come on, get up / Knock off your napping / It's a crazy, messed up place where anything can happen / There's a chair that freakin' talks. Hey look! / There's some fish that give advice. Holy crap / It's screwey at Peter's Playhouse. Ha ha ha. Watch this, Lois.
[imitates Pee-Wee]
Peter Griffin: Hewy Jambi.
Brian Griffin: [as Jambi the Genie] Mekka-lekka-hi, mekka-hinie - God, I hate you so much.
Lois Griffin: Peter, that reparation money should be going to worthy black charity.
Peter Griffin: Lois, the King of Cartoons will be here in 5 minutes. I will not have you embarrass me.
Lois Griffin: Peter, you're acting ridiculous.
Peter Griffin: [everyone screams, "Ridiculous" flashes at the bottom of the screen] You said the secret word!

[SuitedSixes]

Lois: Peter, I'm not wearing any panties.
Peter: That's OK, we'll just throw that chair out.

[AngryCola]

[ QUOTE ]
Lois: Peter, I'm not wearing any panties.
Peter: That's OK, we'll just throw that chair out.

[/ QUOTE ]



http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v431/AngryCola/hahajesus.jpg