AOL = Satan

[private joker]

A list of random tasks in increasing order of difficulty:

1) Climbing Mt. Everest
2) Running a marathon in less than 2 hours
3) Lifting a Toyota above your head with one hand
4) Canceling an AOL account
5) Sitting through an entire episode of Dr. Phil

Has anyone ever tried to cancel an AOL account? It's totally impossible. I despise the service, and have never used it, really. I have SBC DSL here in L.A., but I was traveling for work last year and had to get an emergency internet service while on the road -- AOL offered a few months free so I had to take it. I called tonight to cancel the service before I got charged for it, since once I got back home I never used it.

Here is the conversation that happened tonight between me (whom I will henceforth note as "Me" or "Mr. Joker") and the customer service representative (whom I will henceforth note as Mr. Patel -- I don't remember the name he gave, if he gave one). I swear I am not exaggerating any of this. I just literally hung up the phone minutes ago so the conversation is fresh in my head. This is very close to how it went down...

Mr. Patel: What can I do for you today, Mr. Joker?

Me: I'd like to cancel my account.

Patel: I'm sorry to hear that, but I am glad I am the one to receive your call and be able to assist you today. Can I have your account information please.

Me: [blah blah]

Patel: Thank you, Mr. Joker. Why would you like to cancel your account?

Me: I don't use it. I don't need it. I don't want it. I just want to cancel it now before I have to pay for something I don't want or need.

Patel: Thank you, Mr. Joker. Now that you have AOL, are you aware that we offer a free Firewall protection. What I am going to do for you today is extend your account until April 14. It will completely free until April 14, and you can go to AOL website and download our free virus protection firewall to ensure the safety of your computer.

Me: Excuse me? No. I just want to cancel it right now.

Patel: Sir, do you connect through broadband?

Me: Uh... yes.

Patel: And am I right in assuming that you would not want unsafe programs sending viruses into your computer? That you want the ultimate in firewall protection?

Me: I don't want viruses, correct. I also don't want AOL. Please cancel it.

Patel: With AOL's free firewall service, you won't have to worry about virus protection anymore when you connect using broadband service.

Me: What is going on? I don't understand. Are you saying you won't cancel my account? Why are we talking about virus protection? I just want to cancel my AOL.

Patel: Sir, your AOL will be free for another month, through April 14, and you can get free firewall service.

Me: And what happens after April 14? Does it automatically cancel?

Patel: You can call us anytime between now and April 14 to cancel your service if you wish.

Me: Good. Then let's say I am calling now. Let's look into the future at April 13, a whole five weeks away, and pretend I am calling then to cancel my service. But instead, we cancel it right now. How about that?

Patel: Sir, am I to understand that the reason you want to cancel is because you think you will forget to cancel by April 14? That is the only reason you are not happy with the service AOL provides?

Me (starting to lose it): What? No! Are you listening to me? I don't want AOL. I want to cancel it right now. Tonight. I don't want firewall. Stop talking about firewall. This isn't about firewall. This is about me canceling my account. We started this six minutes ago. Why isn't my account canceled yet? Are you unable to perform this cancelation for me?

Patel: Mr. Joker, I certainly can cancel the account for you. What I wish to offer you is our free firewall serv-

Me: Shut up about the firewall! I don't care! Look. You and I are two rational adults. I think that neither of us are retarded (though I'm starting to doubt that). I think that between the two of us, we can reach an understanding here. You are a customer service representative. I am a customer. Please do a service. Please help me. Help me understand why you can't cancel my account right now.

Patel: Sir, I certainly can cancel your account tonight. Are you aware that AOL offers-

Me: Dude! Stop talking! Put the script down! Put it down! Is it down? Is your script down?

Patel: [silence]

Me: Okay. Are you or are you not authorized to cancel my service? If you aren't let me speak to someone who can. If you are, then tell me now. Can you do this for me?

Patel: Yes sir, I can.

Me: Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it now. Cancel it. Cancel it now. Just cancel the account. Do it.

Patel: Certainly sir. Your account is now being canceled, and allow me to read the following legal document to confirm your cancellation order: "Mr. Joker, I have now canceled your account per your request effective today. Your cancellation number is 093...[blah blah]."

Me: Okay. Good.

Patel: Is there anything else I can do today to help?

Me: God no.

Patel: Thank you for calling AOL and have a very good day.

[[censored]]

That's awesome.

[ilya]

[ QUOTE ]
A list of random tasks in increasing order of difficulty:

1) Climbing Mt. Everest
2) Running a marathon in less than 2 hours
3) Lifting a Toyota above your head with one hand
4) Canceling an AOL account
5) Sitting through an entire episode of Dr. Phil

Has anyone ever tried to cancel an AOL account? It's totally impossible. I despise the service, and have never used it, really. I have SBC DSL here in L.A., but I was traveling for work last year and had to get an emergency internet service while on the road -- AOL offered a few months free so I had to take it. I called tonight to cancel the service before I got charged for it, since once I got back home I never used it.

Here is the conversation that happened tonight between me (whom I will henceforth note as "Me" or "Mr. Joker") and the customer service representative (whom I will henceforth note as Mr. Patel -- I don't remember the name he gave, if he gave one). I swear I am not exaggerating any of this. I just literally hung up the phone minutes ago so the conversation is fresh in my head. This is very close to how it went down...

Mr. Patel: What can I do for you today, Mr. Joker?

Me: I'd like to cancel my account.

Patel: I'm sorry to hear that, but I am glad I am the one to receive your call and be able to assist you today. Can I have your account information please.

Me: [blah blah]

Patel: Thank you, Mr. Joker. Why would you like to cancel your account?

Me: I don't use it. I don't need it. I don't want it. I just want to cancel it now before I have to pay for something I don't want or need.

Patel: Thank you, Mr. Joker. Now that you have AOL, are you aware that we offer a free Firewall protection. What I am going to do for you today is extend your account until April 14. It will completely free until April 14, and you can go to AOL website and download our free virus protection firewall to ensure the safety of your computer.

Me: Excuse me? No. I just want to cancel it right now.

Patel: Sir, do you connect through broadband?

Me: Uh... yes.

Patel: And am I right in assuming that you would not want unsafe programs sending viruses into your computer? That you want the ultimate in firewall protection?

Me: I don't want viruses, correct. I also don't want AOL. Please cancel it.

Patel: With AOL's free firewall service, you won't have to worry about virus protection anymore when you connect using broadband service.

Me: What is going on? I don't understand. Are you saying you won't cancel my account? Why are we talking about virus protection? I just want to cancel my AOL.

Patel: Sir, your AOL will be free for another month, through April 14, and you can get free firewall service.

Me: And what happens after April 14? Does it automatically cancel?

Patel: You can call us anytime between now and April 14 to cancel your service if you wish.

Me: Good. Then let's say I am calling now. Let's look into the future at April 13, a whole five weeks away, and pretend I am calling then to cancel my service. But instead, we cancel it right now. How about that?

Patel: Sir, am I to understand that the reason you want to cancel is because you think you will forget to cancel by April 14? That is the only reason you are not happy with the service AOL provides?

Me (starting to lose it): What? No! Are you listening to me? I don't want AOL. I want to cancel it right now. Tonight. I don't want firewall. Stop talking about firewall. This isn't about firewall. This is about me canceling my account. We started this six minutes ago. Why isn't my account canceled yet? Are you unable to perform this cancelation for me?

Patel: Mr. Joker, I certainly can cancel the account for you. What I wish to offer you is our free firewall serv-

Me: Shut up about the firewall! I don't care! Look. You and I are two rational adults. I think that neither of us are retarded (though I'm starting to doubt that). I think that between the two of us, we can reach an understanding here. You are a customer service representative. I am a customer. Please do a service. Please help me. Help me understand why you can't cancel my account right now.

Patel: Sir, I certainly can cancel your account tonight. Are you aware that AOL offers-

Me: Dude! Stop talking! Put the script down! Put it down! Is it down? Is your script down?

Patel: [silence]

Me: Okay. Are you or are you not authorized to cancel my service? If you aren't let me speak to someone who can. If you are, then tell me now. Can you do this for me?

Patel: Yes sir, I can.

Me: Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it now. Cancel it. Cancel it now. Just cancel the account. Do it.

Patel: Certainly sir. Your account is now being canceled, and allow me to read the following legal document to confirm your cancellation order: "Mr. Joker, I have now canceled your account per your request effective today. Your cancellation number is 093...[blah blah]."

Me: Okay. Good.

Patel: Is there anything else I can do today to help?

Me: God no.

Patel: Thank you for calling AOL and have a very good day.

[/ QUOTE ]

Hahahahaa

Awesome piece of writing man. The way it escalates, the diction, the tone, the timing, everything feels right. The only bit that sounds off-key to me is "I think that neither of us are retarded (though I'm starting to doubt that)," about 2/3 of the way through.

Write more!

[jason_t]

[ QUOTE ]
2) Running a marathon in less than 2 hours

[/ QUOTE ]

Never been done.

[private joker]

Ilya, I swear I actually said that to him. I said "I think that neither of us are retarded, though I'm starting to doubt that." Actually, I'm remembering that I also said, "Why do I have to come up with excuses? Why are you putting me on the spot? I'm an educated, rational adult and I am just asking you to do this for me. Cancel my account." I mean, I just went off on the guy. He was unbreakable. His script and demeanor was unshakable. He was the unflappable Mr. Patel. He would not stop selling me AOL Firewall.

[private joker]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
2) Running a marathon in less than 2 hours

[/ QUOTE ]

Never been done.

[/ QUOTE ]

Neither has lifting a Toyota above your head with one hand. Or canceling an AOL account. Do you see why?

[jason_t]

[ QUOTE ]
Neither has lifting a Toyota above your head with one hand.

[/ QUOTE ]

This I can't verify. The statement about the marathon I can. /images/graemlins/smile.gif

[Brainwalter]

How?

[ilya]

[ QUOTE ]
Ilya, I swear I actually said that to him. I said "I think that neither of us are retarded, though I'm starting to doubt that." Actually, I'm remembering that I also said, "Why do I have to come up with excuses? Why are you putting me on the spot? I'm an educated, rational adult and I am just asking you to do this for me. Cancel my account." I mean, I just went off on the guy. He was unbreakable. His script and demeanor was unshakable. He was the unflappable Mr. Patel. He would not stop selling me AOL Firewall.

[/ QUOTE ]

I'm not saying you didn't say it, just that you should have edited it out of the story.
Do you write professionally or work as an editor or anything like that?

[ilya]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
Neither has lifting a Toyota above your head with one hand.

[/ QUOTE ]

This I can't verify. The statement about the marathon I can. /images/graemlins/smile.gif

[/ QUOTE ]

Nawwww, not really. Just because the official world record is over 2 hours, doesn't mean some crazy guy on a little island in the Indian Ocean hasn't run 26 miles in an hour and 56 minutes after chewing too many hallucinogenic cockroaches or what not.

[Macdaddy Warsaw]

I'm going to say that this conversation actually happened in this precise way. For like a day AOL offered $100 amazon Gift Certificates for signing up for its free trial. I did so, got my gift certificate, and called to cancel. They have all your info on computers, and it showed up as me never using the service (I obviously just wanted the gift certificate).

The lady on the other end of the line actually began to yell at me while I was trying to cancel my account.

Mr. Daemonspawn: "DO YOU REALIZE IT COSTS AOL MONEY TO PROVIDE YOU THIS SERVICE AND YOU DON'T EVEN USE IT?"
Me: "Uh...yes. That's why I want to cancel it."

She yelled for a very long while. The line that actually seemed to work is "I want to cancel my account, and isn't the customer always right?"

That broke her and she pretty much immediately cancelled it. But I was on the phone for about 10 minutes. I was actually laughing because this wasn't the first time I've cancelled AOL, and each time it's a struggle.

I think their goal is to get you to curse at them so that they can hang up on you and make you start the process over again. That way you're never able to cancel.

MORE LIKE AOHELL! HAHAHAHA.

[private joker]

[ QUOTE ]

Do you write professionally or work as an editor or anything like that?

[/ QUOTE ]

I'm a screenwriter, but have sold very little (just a few television treatments and optioned a dramatic pilot that never made it to air). Thus it's still a struggling artist/side passion thing. I'm a casting director for a living.

(I also publish movie reviews online and used to write for a music magazine, and college papers doing humor columns and movie/music reviews). Writing is hard.

[ilya]

I wish you luck, joker, and I hope you keep writing and get your big break soon.

[TylerD]

very funny.

[rusty JEDI]

[ QUOTE ]


Me: Okay. Good.

Patel: Is there anything else I can do today to help?

Me: God no.

Patel: Thank you for calling AOL and have a very good day.

[/ QUOTE ]


You should have asked about the firewall.

rJ

[DukeSucks]

That's hilarious. I know that Mr Patel that you speak of. He also works for DirecTv and numerous other ISP's that I've had to cancel.
I always wondered how many free months in row they'd be willing to give you if you called to cancel every month. But sitting through that phone call isn't worth the trouble to find out.

[guller]

I hope you wrote down that cancellation number. I'm 99% sure your credit card will be charged anyway and that you are still not cancelled.

Ever try to change long distance companies? I've gotten double billed every time!

[IndieMatty]

Easily the Post of the Month; good job PJ.

[bcunha]

POTD, possible POTM, great stuff. I'm glad we got rid of them 7-8 years ago and never looked back.

[private joker]

An update: I wrote this post/had this phone conversation before I went to sleep last night, and just wanted to say that I actually had a nightmare about it.

I needed to get tech support for my computer so I flew to India for some reason and tried to find the office that would help me. Nobody there would give me a straight answer, and in fact they fired me from my job. In the dream they were authorized to do this.

[jakethebake]

I'm pretty sure that same guy used to work for my local cable company.

[stabn]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
Neither has lifting a Toyota above your head with one hand.

[/ QUOTE ]

This I can't verify. The statement about the marathon I can. /images/graemlins/smile.gif

[/ QUOTE ]

Nawwww, not really. Just because the official world record is over 2 hours, doesn't mean some crazy guy on a little island in the Indian Ocean hasn't run 26 miles in an hour and 56 minutes after chewing too many hallucinogenic cockroaches or what not.

[/ QUOTE ]

Yah, but that isn't a marathon /images/graemlins/smile.gif.

[private joker]

[ QUOTE ]
I'm pretty sure that same guy used to work for my local cable company.

[/ QUOTE ]

Did he look like Jim Carrey?

[private joker]

[ QUOTE ]
I hope you wrote down that cancellation number.

[/ QUOTE ]

You better believe I did. I just realized I could also call the credit card company now to contest any charges from them in advance.

[jason_t]

[ QUOTE ]
I hope you wrote down that cancellation number. I'm 99% sure your credit card will be charged anyway and that you are still not cancelled.

Ever try to change long distance companies? I've gotten double billed every time!

[/ QUOTE ]

I'm still working on getting my money back from a Verizon account that I cancelled last July but was being charged for until November. I had to change my credit card number so they couldn't auto-bill me. I'm expecting the refund imminently. Oh wait, I've been expecting it imminently since November. Sigh.