09-19-2002, 01:57 AM
In the beginning, God created Adam and Eve. At least that's how the story is supposed to go. But when it comes to learning the basic facts about the Bible's Old Testament and New Testament, it seems that our children are missing the point. Big time.
Following are REAL test answers and excerpts from papers assigned to students in middle school and high school that were collected by the very funny people who staff RinkWorks.com. Read this, test your kids, and look for the nearest remedial Bible story class.
In the Beginning...
• In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so He took the Sabbath off.
• Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
Moses Did All This?
• Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.
• The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.
• Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments.
• Moses died before he ever reached Canada.
The Ten Commandments
• The First Commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
• The Fifth Commandment is 'Humor thy father and mother.'
• The Seventh Commandment is 'Thou shalt not admit adultery.'
Noah and the Ark
• Noah built an ark, which the animals came on to in pears.
• Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.
The Women of the Bible
• Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
• Samson was a strong man who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
The Bible's VIPs
• Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
• The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still, and he obeyed him.
• David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar.
• David fought with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
• Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
Twists on the New Testament
• The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.
• The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
• St. Paul cavorted to Christianity.
• Paul preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
• In some religions a man can have many wives, and this is called polygamy. In our religion a man can have one wife, and this is called monotony.
--Cathryn Conroy
Following are REAL test answers and excerpts from papers assigned to students in middle school and high school that were collected by the very funny people who staff RinkWorks.com. Read this, test your kids, and look for the nearest remedial Bible story class.
In the Beginning...
• In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so He took the Sabbath off.
• Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
Moses Did All This?
• Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.
• The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.
• Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments.
• Moses died before he ever reached Canada.
The Ten Commandments
• The First Commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
• The Fifth Commandment is 'Humor thy father and mother.'
• The Seventh Commandment is 'Thou shalt not admit adultery.'
Noah and the Ark
• Noah built an ark, which the animals came on to in pears.
• Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.
The Women of the Bible
• Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
• Samson was a strong man who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
The Bible's VIPs
• Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
• The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still, and he obeyed him.
• David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar.
• David fought with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
• Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
Twists on the New Testament
• The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.
• The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
• St. Paul cavorted to Christianity.
• Paul preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
• In some religions a man can have many wives, and this is called polygamy. In our religion a man can have one wife, and this is called monotony.
--Cathryn Conroy