Ethics Poll

[jimdmcevoy]

Basically, I'm curious to know whether you guys think it is immoral to tell a girl you love her even if she is with another dude.

Stack sizes and relevent reads:

I went out with this girl for bout 3 or 4 months during which all was well. Except I had the feeling I was about to fall out of love with her, and to avoid what happened in a previous relationship (where I basically pretended to still be in love with her for like a year cause I didn't want to hurt her) I decided to break it off, figuring yeah she'd be hurt, but it would only get worse if I prolonged it.

So anyway, we've been friends ever since, she's gotten a new boyfriend few months after we broke up, she's been with this boyfriend for bout a year. And ever since we've broke up, I don't think I've stopped loving her, and now feel much regret. So is it immoral to tell her this now?

Also, it may just be that I am a dick and as soon as I get a girl to like me I don't like them. This was part of my thinking of breaking it off with her in the first place, because I cared enough about her to do what I thought was best for her.

Not sure if this info is relevent, but I'm 22 she's 20, and the dude who she is with now I think is a big dork, but a nice guy.

[The Dude]

I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing at all. It might be tricky to pull off, and depending on how you think the girl will react you might decide not to risk telling her, but it'd definately not ethically wrong.

[Edge34]

You had her.

You left her.

She got someone new.

I'm sorry bud, but it looks like you're S.O.L. I don't see anything really good coming from you telling her while she has another man. Maybe if she was on the way out of it, maybe, but unless that's the case, I'd just leave it alone if you value her friendship...

[The Dude]

[ QUOTE ]
I'd just leave it alone if you value her friendship...

[/ QUOTE ]
I value a lifelong, vibrant, soul-mate relationship a lot more than I value a friendship. That's not to say I don't value friendship, nor that what he could have with this girl would be what I described, but who knows? You don't. I don't. But I do know it's not bad ethics to tell an involved woman you love her and you want her back. It might be unwise, but it's not wrong.

[Shajen]

I'd wait til she dumps dude before you tell her.

But that's just me. If she's still a friend, you'd be adding (maybe) unneeded drama to your friendship. Besides, I bet she already knows.

[chaas4747]

I had a friend that did this in college. Although your intentions are genuine. You will probably still get labeled as "that guy". We all know that guy that goes to your girlfriend and tells them how much they love them. How much better off they would be with them. Blah, blah blah. I would just wait it out. She might even think that it was sleazy of you to hit on her while she was dating someone else.

[The Dude]

[ QUOTE ]
She might even think that it was sleazy of you to hit on her while she was dating someone else.

[/ QUOTE ]
What he is contemplating doing is much different than "hit[ting] on her." That said, she still may not appreciate it.

[chaas4747]

Sorry that was put badly I should have said, she might think it is sleazy that you would bring this up while she was dating someone else.

Thanks Dude.

[brettbrettr]

Bud, you're all over the place. You break up with her b/c you *think* you're going to fall out of love with her? Certainly admirable given you were trying to spare her getting hurt, but a bit premature (and I guess you regret this so I'll move on.)

As for telling her now, I feel pretty strongly that this would be a huge mistake. How do you expect her to use this info? Its only going to make things more difficult for her, which in turn will make her resent you, both for telling her now and for breaking up with her in the first place.

Wait out her current relationship, go from there.

To answer your question, its not immoral or unethical, but telling her will not help you get her back. I think itll have the exact opposite effect.

[Edge34]

[ QUOTE ]
Besides, I bet she already knows.

[/ QUOTE ]

If there's any chance of him getting her back, this is true, and he doesn't need to say it right now.

Dude's right - it may not be "unethical", but then there's really no ethics involved in this type of thing...

[jimdmcevoy]

[ QUOTE ]

Bud, you're all over the place. You break up with her b/c you *think* you're going to fall out of love with her? Certainly admirable given you were trying to spare her getting hurt, but a bit premature (and I guess you regret this so I'll move on.)


[/ QUOTE ]

Yah I think the reason I did this was that I jumped into this relationship pretty soon after the last one ended, and I think my judgement was a little clouded.

[ QUOTE ]

As for telling her now, I feel pretty strongly that this would be a huge mistake. How do you expect her to use this info? Its only going to make things more difficult for her, which in turn will make her resent you, both for telling her now and for breaking up with her in the first place.

Wait out her current relationship, go from there.

To answer your question, its not immoral or unethical, but telling her will not help you get her back. I think itll have the exact opposite effect.


[/ QUOTE ]

Yah this is pretty much what I was thinking.

But suppose I wait it out what's my play now?

Pretend I just fell in love with her again? If I tell her the truth, do you reckon she'd think that's a bit weird I never told her?

[brettbrettr]

[ QUOTE ]
But suppose I wait it out what's my play now?

[/ QUOTE ]

Then you can tell her. Now right then mind you and not that you love her. But that you regret breaking up with her and you'd like to give it another shot.

[Edge34]

[ QUOTE ]

But suppose I wait it out what's my play now?

Pretend I just fell in love with her again? If I tell her the truth, do you reckon she'd think that's a bit weird I never told her?

[/ QUOTE ]

You're overthinking things bro...if you wait it out and tell her the whole truth, assuming you still feel that way whenever it is, she'll respect that you didn't want to make things complicated with her and her current BF.

The best advice I can give you: get out there and date other girls! The whole movie thing where a guy spills his guts to his taken ex-gf and magically gets her back doesn't work so good in real life. Not only will you at the LEAST look better to your taken gf (as not being the needy, hung-up type), but you might make a connection with someone else you never saw coming. Similar thing happened to me, and I'm a thousand times better for it.

Out of curiosity, how old are you?

[jimdmcevoy]

Yah I'm gonna make that the plan, wait it out and go out with other girls in the meantime if they strike my fancy.

I'm 22, as said in my OP.

Btw after she figures out that this guy is just a big dork how long before I try to get it started again?

I almost bungled it the first time cause she just broke up with some one else (one of my good friends actually, but he gave me the go-ahead).

I'm thinkin if the time comes and I'm still single I'll wait bout month. Comments?

[The Dude]

[ QUOTE ]
I'm thinkin if the time comes and I'm still single I'll wait bout month. Comments?

[/ QUOTE ]
It depends entirely on how she feels coming out of her breakup.

I want to make a comment, though. If you're really in love with this girl, I'm not sure what you'd be doing dating other girls. Are you just looking for random fun, or are you looking for a relationship? If she had dumped you and you were trying to get over her I could see dating other girls, but this situation is different. If you're only looking for non-committal hook-ups, then I'm in no position to tell you to do otherwise, but I don't think I'd be seeking other relationships if I were in love with a girl. But maybe I take being in love a little more seriously than the average guy.

[brettbrettr]

[ QUOTE ]
Btw after she figures out that this guy is just a big dork how long before I try to get it started again?

[/ QUOTE ]

It depends.

Bud, you're asking strangers on a poker board about your girl problems. Some good advice granted, but assuming you have female friends, ask them. Especially those who know her.

[Fat Nicky]

I was recently involved in a similar situation, only I was in the boyfriend role. My GF of a year and 1/2 is 22, she's had this guy friend since she was 16. They never dated, she always considered him just a friend. At the same time, it was painfully obvious that this guy had a huge crush on her/was in love with her, whatever you want to call it. Keep in mind that he knows she has a BF as he has seen us together in group hang outs and such.

Now, with me knowing this guy has a crush on her, and her still being friends and hanging out with him, it caused friction between us as we would continously argue over it.

Now, after being friends for 6 years, he finally tells her that he is in love with her, blah blah blah. He even attempted to kiss her. She tells him there is no way they will be more than friends, and if he couldn't handle it, then they shouldn't be friends. She also tells him that she has been fighting with me because of him and explains that he is just making things worse. So, he's like, ok, i can deal with it, I don't want to lose you as a friend.

Move ahead 1 month to Valentines day, he sends her flowers with a note once again professing his love for her. At this point, my gf is so fed up with him, she does not talk to him anymore and just ignores his calls and emails with no interest in being friends with him.

That said, there is nothing morally wrong if you tell her your feels, but consider the consequences of your actions.

[The Dude]

Jim,

Asking a mutual female friend that you know will tell her might be a good approach to take.

[Shajen]

[ QUOTE ]
Jim,

Asking a mutual female friend that you know will tell her might be a good approach to take.

[/ QUOTE ]

Uh...I wouldn't do this. Not a MUTUAL friend. Maybe someone you are friends with she isn't.

That way it won't get back to her without you wanting it to.

[jimdmcevoy]

Well yah I guess I'm not really sure what I'd do if I started a casual relationship with another girl that begins to get serious.

I dunno, but I don't really wanna just wait around stewing over my past mistakes in the meantime, is this too selfish?

[jimdmcevoy]

I think the point was that I want it to get back to her.

Yah this approach might be ok, but I think she is smart enough to figure out exaclty what I'm doing, hence not much differce to telling her directly.

[Shajen]

[ QUOTE ]
I think the point was that I want it to get back to her.

Yah this approach might be ok, but I think she is smart enough to figure out exaclty what I'm doing, hence not much differce to telling her directly.

[/ QUOTE ]

Ok, doing it this way is a bad idea.

Seriously.

If you don't see why it needs to come from you and not someone else you may as well go ahead and do this.

GL. Oh, and if you do take this route, expect to no longer be friends with her. /images/graemlins/frown.gif

[thatpfunk]

[ QUOTE ]
Quote:
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Jim,

Asking a mutual female friend that you know will tell her might be a good approach to take.


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Uh...I wouldn't do this. Not a MUTUAL friend. Maybe someone you are friends with she isn't.

That way it won't get back to her without you wanting it to.

[/ QUOTE ]

It is probably the best/easiest way to go about things without involving alcohol.

[Shajen]

Yes, you are correct.

it's also the best/easiest way to totally screw over a friendship.

[The Dude]

[ QUOTE ]
hence not much differce to telling her directly.

[/ QUOTE ]
That depends on the type of girl she is. A lot of (most?) girls would find it easier to pretend both of you didn't know that she knew than to tell you directly that she's no longer interested.

It's a little more discreet and tipsy-toed than I tend to be, but I can think of several female friends of mine that this would be a wise plan with, were I advising a buddy in your situation.

[Sponger15SB]

Why do people even consider going for people who are in relationships? If they leave who they are with and start going out with you or even worse cheat on them with you and then you start going out, how in the world could you possibly trust them?

Stupidest idea ever.

[droolie]

I wouldn't tell her. You blew it by dumping her before the relationship had run it's course. She has moved on accept it. She might be happy with this guy even if he is a dork. You ruined her last relationship and really shouldn't do the same to her current one. The final outcome will almost definitely be anger, confusion and frustration. If you really love her she's worth waiting for and you should just let her current relationship run it's course without interference from you. If you're still friends I'm sure you're giving her subtle signals your unaware of and on some level she knows you still care for her. Wait until this relationship ends and be there for her in the aftermath. If she's all messed up don't proclaim your love to her until she has healed. If she seems relieved it's over start hanging out wiht her jump right in there as soon as you start getting those subtle signals back.

As far as dating other girls is concerned, it depends. How much do you love your ex? If you love her very much and can't imagine having something better with someone else you shouldn't start anything with anybody else. If you just have some regrets and feel there is unfinished business it's probably better if you move on too. Waiting around for someone you have serious baggage with is not the best idea. Her relationship could last years and your 22. You should intersted in meeting and falling in love many more times at that age. There are other fish in the sea and you might learn from this experience and not blow it with the next one (take it from a married guy in his 30's that you'll not regret having a broad range of relationships to draw on when you finally find "the one")

With this particular girl if it's meant to be you'll find each other at a time when you're both single and can give your relationship another try when you are older and wiser.

[The Dude]

[ QUOTE ]
If they leave who they are with and start going out with you... how in the world could you possibly trust them?

[/ QUOTE ]
I fail to see how leaving 'Guy A' for 'Guy B' is a violation of trust.

[Sponger15SB]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
If they leave who they are with and start going out with you... how in the world could you possibly trust them?

[/ QUOTE ]
I fail to see how leaving 'Guy A' for 'Guy B' is a violation of trust.

[/ QUOTE ]

Because they developed feelings for another person while they were going out with someone.

Anyways, I'm not very good and communicating this belief....anyone care to elaborate?

Also I have no idea how college dating really works, as I've been with the same girl for pretty much all of college.

[The Dude]

Developing feelings isn't in-and-of itself a betrayal of trust - especially in this kind of situation where it's a resurfacing. If cheating/ inappropriate flirting went on, then yeah, that's not cool, but there's nothing malicious or deceptive about developing/ recovering feelings.

[Patrick del Poker Grande]

I don't believe how slow you guys are to post this little gem (http://www.quarterlifecrisis.com/forums/index.php). I must say I'm very disappointed in all of you.

[Shajen]

sorry man. I'll flog myself with your permission.

[The Dude]

lol, I've been thinking about signing up again on that site. Good times.

[thatpfunk]

You guys are all way to nice. Or maybe I'm a jerk... /images/graemlins/confused.gif

[ QUOTE ]
Also I have no idea how college dating really works, as I've been with the same girl for pretty much all of college.

[/ QUOTE ]

Guy: Hey, hows it going? Need another beer?
Girl: Good. No thanks, I'm pretty drunk already. I had a lot of jello-shots with my friends already.
Guy: Cool. (drinks beer) Did you see that chick making out with Joe? What a slut, that was hilarious.
Girl: Ohmygawd! Yes. She's such a whore. Shh, don't tell her I said that.
Guy: Ya right, I'm gonna tell her right now.
Girl: Oh my god. You better be joking!
Guy: Of course dear. Hey, we're thinking about going back to our place for drinks, this parties kinda dead.
Girl: Oh ya?
Guy: Yeah. C'mon, let's cruise.
Girl: Ok.
Guy: Whats your name again?

Thats about it Sponger.

[Fratony]

Chasing a girl with a bf is a waste of time. If this guy is truely a geek and the girl is worth your time, she will break up with him in due time. While you wait, go get some random play and who knows, maybe you'll find someone better anyway. OR when she does break up with him and she is on the rebound you will be in prem-o position since you are still friends.

[jimdmcevoy]

LOL

yup think you pretty much nailed it, it ain't complicated