tell based limit hold em or "I AM MIKE L. AND DONT F*CK WITH ME!"

[mike l.]

people have told me that i should play no limit and avoid online because im good at reading players and situations. that said, im oftentimes left tapping the table at the showdown after making it 4 bets on the river with a busted 6 high against the guy with the second nuts. so which is it? expert or sham? i, my friends, now present to you exhibit one.

40-80 hand. the opponent is a self taught mediocre at best guy who owns a bunch of liquor stores. he fancies himself some sort of a playa but he doesnt have any moves or anything, he's a dork.

he raises utg+2 like this: he smiles at the dealer really noticeably and cocky like and points his thumb towards the ceiling and says almost wistfully "raise it up". i decide at that moment he doesnt have a big hand, he's full of shiit, he's putting on an act. so i show him where to stick his thumb by 3 betting from the cutoff with A9o. blinds clear the hell out of my way for a change and liquor boy calls.

the flop is KT7 nothing to do with me. part of me is thinking, gee would it kill ya to flop me two pair or something for once dear god, and the part that matters is thinking, gee i hope he checks so i can bet so he can fold. so he checks, i bet, and he..he...he..well he calls of course or this wouldnt be much of a post at all would it?

so the turn is another K. at that point im thinking, brilliant that will make it super easy for him to call me down now with 33 or whatever he has stupid cursed cards! damnit! why oh why did i ever come in to play today! F*CK! so the guy does this clumsy sort of stall a second, realise that im his opponent and i never have anything especially when im vomiting forth chips every chance i get (note to self: indeed i had nothing this hand again so they may be on to you), and then goes ahead and shows me NO RESPECT and bets his ugly ass right into my pot.

not that i thought for even a second about it at the time, but what could he have? could he have AQ? no, he would be in call down mode with that. could he have A9? that is possible actually although wait a second, that's my hand.. nah we cant have the same hand, never happens. hmmm could he have 22 or 33 or 44? well.. no he would never miss the opportunity to just check-call me all the way down. he could even make a game out of it and not even look at the board, just smile at me and say "go ahead mike" and the whole table has a good laugh when i bet the river and say no pair and he flips over his baby monster call down nut pair. so no he doesnt have a little pair. could he have like J9 or 96s or something? maybe. i dont know. it gives me a headache to think about it. how am i supposed to know what the f*ck he has? ive only been playing for like 6 years now, im new to this game.

anyway i decide that he's full of sh*t. i raise. let's see where he's at, let's play like a man for a change, show this freak some sackage and put him to the test. my read is he's weak. my read is he cant possibly call, i have the nuts. i dont know what he has, it's like he has no hand. he has xx. he has two cards that have disappeared before his very eyes. if he held them up they'd be just bone white, two blanks, two absolute blanks. his hand would turn into a little pumpkin before his very eyes. can he call me down with just one measly pumpkin? does one pumpkin beat ace f*cking nine in this place?!?! f*ck no! so i raise.

and he quickly folds.

so you see im an expert limit hold em player and i use reads and tells to dominate and intimidate and terrify my opponents and dont you forget it.

[Justin A]

Nice post mike. Why not call him down and get two bets out of him? It doesn't seem like you think there's any chance you're behind.

[eugeneel123]

[mike l.]

"Why not call him down and get two bets out of him?"

i was so excited to raise the creep with ace high that it never crossed my mind to try and actually maximize EV.

[mike l.]

u=humorless

[surfdoc]

Did you play that hand last night? Because if the answer is yes, I can't f*cking believe I stayed home for something as silly as my child when I could have met you up there.

[mike l.]

"I can't f*cking believe I stayed home for something as silly as my child"

leave one child to go see another? what's the point?

[fsuplayer]

nice post mike.

it seems as if you can write, in addition to intimadating scummy liquor store owners.

[fnord_too]

I love your posts.

[CanKid]

http://www.sportsposterwarehouse.com/warehouse/rockyarms03ii-1.jpg

[mike l.]

perfect. but put teddy ruxpin as the face and it's the spitting image of me walking out of commerce having just dumped off $8000.

[surfdoc]

That is what I was thinking. I just pushed raise so hard I almost broke my mouse. Fired up. Too bad poker is not a contact sport. I am ready.

[surfdoc]

[ QUOTE ]
"I can't f*cking believe I stayed home for something as silly as my child"

leave one child to go see another? what's the point?

[/ QUOTE ]

Because:
[ QUOTE ]
i never have anything especially when im vomiting forth chips every chance i get

[/ QUOTE ]

Cleaning up this kids vomit is much more fun than cleaning up my kids vomit.

[Ulysses]

Try that crap with me and I will 3-bet your crappy A9o and when you 4-bet I will 5-bet and shove that piece of crap down your gullet and when you fold I will triumphantly show you 23o and tell you where you can stick your reads.

[bicyclekick]

[ QUOTE ]
and tell you where you can stick your reads.

[/ QUOTE ]

omg I just gotta know. Where diablo, where!? WHERE CAN MIKE L STICK HIS [censored] READS?! THE SUSPENSE IS KILLING ME.

[mike l.]

yes but i already know i cant read you. you wear a mask.

[mike l.]

"Where diablo, where!?"

why in my pocket of course. for later reading.

where did you think he meant?

[Steve Giufre]

[ QUOTE ]
u=humorless

[/ QUOTE ]

And stop wearing that stupid underarmor at the table. Its for shortstops and middle linebackers, not poker players.

[The Dude]

[ QUOTE ]
Why not call him down and get two bets out of him? It doesn't seem like you think there's any chance you're behind.

[/ QUOTE ]
Villian will fold hands with outs. He might even call the raise, depending on how many outs he thinks he has.

[Gabe]

the opponent is a self taught mediocre at best guy who owns a bunch of liquor stores. he fancies himself some sort of a playa but he doesnt have any moves or anything, he's a dork=roy?

[mike l.]

"roy"

i dont get it. or maybe i do. you mean that red haired dude? no it's not him. he's cool. he doesnt own any liquor stores.

or is that not what you meant?

[mike l.]

im assuming that was some sort of not so cryptic weight joke.

listen pretty boy, is you coming to gabe's if we have a home game later this month or isnt yous?

[Gabe]

50 something, grey, balding, accent, pudgy.

[mike l.]

"50 something, grey, balding, accent, pudgy."

uh oh that describes like 80% of the players at oceans 11. no it's not him, this guy is like hispanic or persian or something. he's a nice guy, but clueless. like me.

[Gabe]

Ocean's 11? I thought it was Commerce. Never mind.

[glen]

haha awesome. . . that's criticism taken with a grain of salt. . . good stuff.

[Michael Davis]

You seem to have gotten much angrier in the past week.

-Michael

[The Dude]

"I like your style, Dude. But do you have to use so many cuss words?"

[jgorham]

What the F$CK are you talking about?

[lapoker17]

You should definitely play some NL.

[mikelow]

mike l's book of tells--when's it coming out?

[mike l.]

"You should definitely play some NL."

ive played a litte and i enjoy it and have done pretty well, maybe ill play some tonight.

[astroglide]

it seems like you and i might play badly in the same ways, if that's the case NL isn't a good game long-term (for now anyway). i could be wrong about the similarity though.

[bicyclekick]

[ QUOTE ]
it seems like you and i might play badly in the same ways, if that's the case NL isn't a good game long-term (for now anyway). i could be wrong about the similarity though.

[/ QUOTE ]

As in want to raise and win every hand? (obviously not every hand but you know what i mean)

i really dont know how you play, just trying to figure out what you meant

/edit also never believe anyone?

[Ulysses]

[ QUOTE ]
You should definitely play some NL.

[/ QUOTE ]

I think the leaks in mike's game are particularly dangerous ones to have when playing NL.

[Huhmare]

[ QUOTE ]
i never have anything especially when im vomiting forth chips every chance i get

[/ QUOTE ]

Cleaning up this kids vomit is much more fun than cleaning up my kids vomit.

[/ QUOTE ]´

I'd like to play against these funny guys

[mike l.]

"it seems like you and i might play badly in the same ways"

that's the only nice thing youve ever said to me!

[mike l.]

"I think the leaks in mike's game are particularly dangerous ones to have when playing NL."

that's what tommy said too although less directly.

nevertheless i think im the greatest no limit player ever. i went over to the $500 max buy in here and bought in and started screwing with some guy who was trying to play well, he's pretty good in some ways. anyway i raised a limper on the button, i had 6d3d and both blinds called, bb being the guy i was getting in some confronations with. he kept staring me down so i kept trying to throw this barrage of reverse tells at him it was really funny actually, i was having trouble not laughing at myself.

anyway the flop was 8s7d4c one diamond they checked to me obediently and i checked. the turn was the 5d and they checked to me again and i bet $60 and now the sb made it $200 and the bb called and i said "all in" and sb folded and the bb called for all of his chips w/ the J6o. so i was on a freeroll with him all in for like $800-900 total.

of course the river was the 4d giving me the straight flush and making me the new king of small no limit games.

at least for tonight.

[J_V]

Man, I don't know where to start. I guess I could pull a few quotes out or something, but the whole post was just too damn funny.


[ QUOTE ]
gee would it kill ya to flop me two pair or something for once dear god

[/ QUOTE ]

I've been there so many times and I'm sure you practically own a condo there, or at the very minimum a time-share.

[ QUOTE ]
no he would never miss the opportunity to just check-call me all the way down. he could even make a game out of it and not even look at the board, just smile at me and say "go ahead mike" and the whole table has a good laugh when i bet the river and say no pair and he flips over his baby monster call down nut pair

[/ QUOTE ]

Great post Mike. I'm gonna have to save this one for a rainy day.

[El Dukie]

I hope you took the opportunity to tell him not to F*CK with you. /images/graemlins/tongue.gif

[J_V]

[ QUOTE ]
he kept staring me down so i kept trying to throw this barrage of reverse tells at him it was really funny actually, i was having trouble not laughing at myself.



[/ QUOTE ]

Is it just me or is this that thinks this is hilarious? Am I the only one eating this stuff up?

I can't just see Mike, ticking like a guy w/ tourretes syndrome to get this guy to stop staring at him. Did you go start breaking out any armpit farts. If you do, you got to be dead serious, no smiling.

[mike l.]

"ticking like a guy w/ tourretes syndrome to get this guy to stop staring at him.'

no i was loving it, it was really fun. i was like doing this shaky hand thing all scared and like really deliberately counting out my chips and then i did the directed bet, which is supposed to be a tell of a bluff. and i was putting my hand over my mouth and staring at his chips and just doing all this stuff and he was staring at me deadpan like eating it all up all this false bizarre aimless information. it was sweet. no limit is a lot of fun and since im essentially so bad at limit hold em i should be relegated to recreational player status i think ill start playing no limit more and more.

[lapoker17]

Yeah - I was kinda just hoping to get to play with him at Commerce some night. I know it would be fun. And in all honesty Diablo, there are so many bad players that he'd be fine. He doesn't seem to mind variance.

[mike l.]

"gee would it kill ya to flop me two pair or something for once dear god" "I've been there so many times and I'm sure you practically own a condo there, or at the very minimum a time-share."

a time share's perfect exacmple cause it's the most rake heavy bunch of nothing. condo has HOA so it's rake heavy, but time share is like dump something into nothing so it's the best analogy.

anyway glad you liked it.

[mike l.]

"He doesn't seem to mind variance."

well i certainly do when i lose. el diablo has the private messages to prove it where im literally sobbing, begging him to look at empire hand histories where they took all my money at the 10-20 6max. and all the f+cker ever sends back is one word of insulting recognition: "OLE".

"O-f*cking-LE". how do you like that?

[lapoker17]

Awesome.

[Ulysses]

[ QUOTE ]
no i was loving it, it was really fun. i was like doing this shaky hand thing all scared and like

[/ QUOTE ]

The best is when you bet like that all meek, they put in some BS raise and then you hem and haw and act all squirrelly then finally push. That always throws them for a loop. BTW, all of this nonsense only works against players who suck. Well, except against one specific guy, but I promised him not to talk about that hand any more.

[mike l.]

"BTW, all of this nonsense only works against players who suck."

i know. you say that every time. fortunately that's the only sort of player i play against.

[El Dukie]

[ QUOTE ]
fortunately that's the only sort of player i play against

[/ QUOTE ]

Hey Mike, you should try using game selection for limit hold'em too! It works for me! Just find players who suck, and your LAG-ish (or, in my case, weak-tight-nittish) play won't matter so much. You, too, could be a winning limit player! (Then you won't post about no-limit, and I won't have to face the disturbing image of you sending all those reverse tells. Let's see... Mike's cherubic face... directed bets... Mike's awe-inspiring physique... shaky hands... Mike's goofy grin/smirk... Yeah, that's gonna keep me awake tonight... /images/graemlins/laugh.gif )

[astroglide]

i think you would get a serious kick out of looking at my pokertracker database, you could just sort hands by position and look at the interesting ones and then look at AK. i really think it would be like looking in a mirror. so i have to like you.

[mike l.]

"so i have to like you."

cool. it took JV over a year to say anything nice to me as well.

[astroglide]

i just haven't really had a reason to say anything nice. i liked you even when i was railing on you for indulgence. if one of us figures out how to stop [censored] it up we have to tell the other one now that we're pals though ok?

[mike l.]

" if one of us figures out how to stop [censored] it up we have to tell the other one now that we're pals though ok?"

i have this friend gabe who plays really well and doesnt seem to f+ck up too much. i will consult with him and get back to you with what i find out.

come around to commerce sometime soon and im sure youll do very well.

[astroglide]

i think it's important to [censored] it up and then fix it. if you never [censored] it up you wouldn't understand how to fix it, you know?

[BottlesOf]

Awesome.

[Gabe]

You left out my favorite part. When you told me you said: "a player limps. I make it $60 on the button with 6d3d. The SB, who thinks I'm full of sh*t, calls..."

[Rick Nebiolo]

I'd fold before the flop but I'm an anal retentive nit.

~ Rick