pirate walks into a bar

[astroglide]

the barkeep asks, "do you know you have a ship's wheel sticking out of your pants?" the pirate says, "ARRRRG...IT'S DRIVING ME NUTS!!"

[nolanfan34]

I'll admit I laughed at that. Simple, but funny, always works.

[cnfuzzd]

ZING!!!

A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says "Hey, ive got a drink named after you!" To which the grasshopper replies "Youve got a drink named Henry?"

Ba Da Dum.

peace

john nickle

[JustDerek]

I'm a little ashamed that I laughed out loud at that.

...wait, no I'm not. /images/graemlins/grin.gif

[astroglide]

it was written on a bathroom wall at a bar i visited on monday, i thought it was hilarious

[ArchAngel71857]

how can you read that and not laugh out loud?
/images/graemlins/grin.gif

-AA

[Rushmore]

The Pirate's Alphabet:

ABCDEFGH--"AAAAAYE"--JKLMNOPQ--"AAAAAARRR"--STUVWXYZ.

Lame, but I laughed when I heard it out loud.

[mikech]

A piece of string walks into a bar and asks for a drink, the bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve string here, it's bar policy."

The piece of string leaves very upset, but finds a passerby on the street and asks him to tie him into a knot and fray his ends. The friendly passerby is baffled but obliges. The string returns to the bar, hops on the barstool and asks for a drink again. The bartender does a double-take and says, "Hey, aren't you the piece of string I just kicked out?"

The string says, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."

[Chah Ngo]

Bartender walks up to a guy at the bar and asks: "What'll you have?"
Guy says, "I'll have a beer and get that douchebag down at the end anything she wants - on my tab."
Bartender says, "I'll get the lady her drink but there is no reason to call people names. Let's keep it civil."
The Bartender tells the lady "The guy at the other end of the bar wants to buy you a drink, what'll you have?"
Lady replies. " A vinegar and water, please."

[daryn]

none of the jokes so far have made me even crack a smile.

let's get some funny jokes here people.

[ThaSaltCracka]

your picture always makes me laugh.

[slickpoppa]

So a priest, a minister, a rabbi, a nun, an irishman, a polish guy, and a chinese guy walk into a bar together and the bartender looks at them and says, "What is this, a joke?"

[Pirc Defense]

A woman walks into a bar with a frog on her head.

The bartender say, "Holy crap, can I help you?"

Frog says "yea, help me get this broad off my ass."

If you say it right, and if you say it fast, I'll send you $5 if you don't get a lot of laughs.*



*Offer not valid.

[daryn]

hahaha.. i laughed. congratulations you win!

[Ryner]

Guy walks into a bar.

It hurt.

[daryn]

to follow pircdefense's joke with that trash is dispicable. you should be ashamed of your very existence.

[cnfuzzd]

I was just picturing some animation of GOT's avatar walking into a bar. Kind of amusing.

peace

john nickle

[Ryner]

[ QUOTE ]
to follow pircdefense's joke with that trash is dispicable. you should be ashamed of your very existence.


[/ QUOTE ] /images/graemlins/frown.gif

[daryn]

aww come on i'm just playin

[nicky g]

What do you get if you drop a piano down a mineshaft?

A flat miner.

Why did the Irishman wear two condoms?

To be sure to be sure.

[Gamblor]

A guy walks into a bar.

Ouch.

The Pope got really sick and nobody in the College of Cardinals could figure out how to cure him. Finally they brought him to an old doctor who specialized in old-fashioned medicine, you know, leeches and stuff like that. After an hour of examination he told the cardinals what was wrong:

"Gentlemen; His Holiness has a rare disorder of the testicles. But the good news is this: all he has to do is have sex, just once."

Well, this was not good news to the cardinals, who argued about it for days. Finally, they came to the conclusion that there was no man better suited to answer than the Pope himself.

After some thought, the pope stated, "I agree, but under four conditions."

Needless to say, there arose quite an uproar in St. Peter's.

Over the din, someone called out, "And what are the four conditions?"

The room stilled. There was a long pause...

The pope replied,

"First the girl must be blind, so that she cannot see with whom she is having sex.

"Second, she must be deaf, so that she cannot hear with whom she is having sex.

"And third she must be dumb so that if somehow she figures out with who she is having sex, she can tell no one."

After another long pause a voice arose and asked, "And the fourth condition?"

The pope thought for a moment and replied, "Big tits."

[Sponger15SB]

That joke is too long...

Oh look a BLUE car!

[Gamblor]

Does anyone ever say anything as succintly and appropriately as the Simpsons do?


What do you call a homo's ball sack? Mud flaps!

[ThaSaltCracka]

that pope joke is always funny to me.

[Stu Pidasso]

A Protestant, Catholic, and a Mormon are sitting in a bar discussing their respective families.

Protestant says to the Catholic and the Mormon, "I have 4 children, only one more and I'll have a basketball team!"

The Catholic starts chuckling a bit and replies, "Awe, thats nothing! I have 10 children, only one more and I'll have a football team!!"

Meanwhile, The Mormon is rolling on the floor totally busting up laughing. The Catholic and Protestant both ask him what's so halarious. To which the Mormon replies, "I have 17 wives. Only one more and I'll have a golf course!!!"

Stu

[mmbt0ne]

Two condoms walk past a gay bar. One looks to the other and says, "Wanna go get shitfaced?"


What's the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson?
Neil Armstrong was the first man on the moon, and Michael Jackson [censored] little boys.

[Sponger15SB]

That 2nd one always makes me laugh. For a nice touch add "in the ass" to the end (its redundant, yet gives it a little kick).



Q: Whats worse than getting sand in your sandwich?
A: The Holocaust

[youtalkfunny]

One of my favorite jokes is a Pope joke. TELLING IT is not nearly as long as READING THIS makes it seem:

It's Palm Sunday, and the Pope is going to perform the Mass in St Peter's square. There are 100,000 people packed into the square for this event.

The doors open, and the Pope walks out onto the balcony, with a platoon of Cardinals in tow. When the Pope gets to the edge of the balcony, he looks over the crowd, and notices that right in the middle of the front row is a dirty homeless man living in a cardboard box. The Pope does an about-face, and goes back inside the building.

A buzz goes through the crowd. "Is the Pope angry?" "Did that smelly man make the Pope upset?"

Suddenly, the doors at street-level burst open, and the Pope comes out, followed by the Cardinals, and he walks right up to the homeless man, and does this:

>>
when telling the joke, pick a listener; walk up to him, put your hands on his shoulders, and bring your face close to his left cheek, then his right cheek--you know, like you were kissing both his cheeks, but don't kiss him. When telling the joke, say, "The Pope walks right up to him, and gives him one of these (move your face close to his cheek) and one of these (do it to the other cheek)
>>

The crowd goes crazy! Everyone is thrilled that the mighty Pope would show this much respect to, and compassion for, a lowly peasant.

An American tourist in the crowd sees this, and gets an idea. The following Sunday is Easter, and the Pope is scheduled to say Mass in front of an even bigger crowd. The American runs down to the front, finds the homeless guy, and gives him $100 for his cardboard box and his ragged clothes. He'll put this stuff on next Sunday, and maybe the Pope will come bless him.

(When telling the joke, start speaking very quickly from this point on.)

Next Sunday, Easter Sunday, half-a-million people in the square, balcony doors open, Pope comes out, looks down, sees the bum again, turns around, walks back into the building...

The guy thinks, "Oh my God! Is he coming?"

Ground-level doors fly open, Pope is heading right for this guy...

"I don't believe it! The Pope is coming to talk to ME!!"

The Pope walks up to him, and says....

(deliver the punchline while doing that cheek thing)

(left cheek) I thought I told you
(right cheek) to get the f*** out of here!

***

Trust me, it may not READ funny, but when performed it IS funny. I've never failed to get a big laugh with this one. Try it!

[smudgex68]

Three pilgrims visit Lourdes, one blind, one deaf, one paralysed. The blind pilgrim enters the water and comes out - it's a miracle I can see. The deaf pilgrim enters the water and comes out - its a miracle, I can hear. The paralysed pilgrim enters the water and comes out - jeez, new tyres again.

Is that an old joke?

[spamuell]

[ QUOTE ]
Q: Whats worse than getting sand in your sandwich?
A: The Holocaust


[/ QUOTE ]

This is disgusting, offensive and hilarious.

[elwoodblues]

Q: What do you call nuts on a chest?
A: Chestnuts

Q: What do you call nuts on a wall?
A: Walnuts

Q: What do you call nuts on a chin?
A: A blow job

[ThaSaltCracka]

If you have ever listned to The Chronic by Dr. Dre, you would know the answer to the last one is, "Hell no, you'd have a dick in yo mouth bitch."

[shawn_p]

What are a typical rednecks three last words?

[shawn_p]

"Hey, watch this!"

[Iplaydrunk]

I know I'm gonna catch [censored] for this one, but here goes:

A black guy with a parrot on his shoulder walks into a bar.
The bartender says"wow where'd you get that thing"
Parrot says " Africa, they're everywhere"

[wacki]

[ QUOTE ]
I know I'm gonna catch [censored] for this one, but here goes:

A black guy with a parrot on his shoulder walks into a bar.
The bartender says"wow where'd you get that thing"
Parrot says " Africa, they're everywhere"

[/ QUOTE ]

Wow, that is a good one. Here's one you might like:

Q: "Why is a city of Jews better than a forest of Trees?"
A: "Hippies don't complain when you burn the Jews."

Sorry Gamblor. /images/graemlins/grin.gif

[Sponger15SB]

I wouldn't have said that if I were you. Everyone knows their share of racist/antisemetic jokes, but I would never say them in the company of the people I would be offending and I would never actually mean what I said. This joke is clearly inappropriate.

At least in my halocaust joke I wasn't really making fun of anything.

[wacki]

Sponger15SB, your right.

Everyone please understand that joke was meant for shock value only. I mean no offense.

I would delete it, but it's too late.

[Cerril]

Hah... as an aside the MMORPG World of Warcraft has an emote /silly... the human male tells that exact joke, just at the expense of Orcs.

[Ray Zee]

the jokes started out good. then got tasteless. too bad.

[wacki]

Ya, the tasteless part, thats my fault. Maybe this will help redeem myself.


Q: Why does the Easter Bunny hide his eggs?

A: He doesn’t want anybody to know he boinks chickens.



================================================== =======

Q: Why are nurses so bad at oral sex?

A: They always wait for the swelling to go down.

[nothumb]

Hey wacki,

You should have defensively pointed out that you were mocking liberal anti-semitism, not the actual suffering of Jews.

On second thought, maybe not. /images/graemlins/tongue.gif

Here's a long one:

So a guy is having an Emotions Party. He's wicked excited and gets everything set up proper. Then there's a knock at the door. He opens it, and a man is standing there, covered head to toe in pink paint, with a feather on his head. "Oh, I get it," says the host, "you're tickled pink! Come on in!"

The guest gets situated and there's another knock. This time the man is wearing all green and is dragging the letters "N" and "V" behind him on a string. "Oh, I get it, you're green with envy! Come on in!"

Things go on this way for some time, until there's a loud bang on the door. Everyone is getting a little loose and turns around to see what's up. The host opens the door, and he sees two enormous black men standing in front of him, naked as the day they were born. One has his penis dangling in a bowl of custard, while the other has jammed a pear onto the end of his.

"Um, guys, I don't know what kind of party you thought this was," says the host, "but you're not dressed as emotions, so you'll have to leave."

The man with the custard protests. "Nah, man, we dressed as emotions! I'm [censored] dis custard, and he's deep in dis pear."

NT

[tek]

Sometime in the future Bill Gates dies. He's at the Pearly Gates and St. Peter says 'Welcome Bill. You've been such a good guy I will give you a choice of Heaven or Hell."

Ol' Pete turns on his megaplasma TV and shows Bill Heaven. A bunch of Angels are playing harps and eating good food.

Bill says "That's a little too tame even for me"

Pete then shows him Hell. It's a live poker room full of $3/6 holdem tables. There's a free buffet. Scantally clad drink girls. The whole nine yards.

Bills yells "Yeah baby I'll go to hell!"

6 months later St. Pete checks in on Bill. Bil is hanging from his feet over huge flames.

Bill says "This isn't what I asked for!"

Peter says "Uh that was just the beta version, Bill"

/images/graemlins/grin.gif

[tek]

So this Leprechaun pops up onto the poker table. Only I can see him. He says "tek, I'll give you a bucket o' gold if you quit gamblin' forever."

I said "Ok, but wait until I get back to even" /images/graemlins/laugh.gif

[beerbandit]

hehehehe

pants

cheers
beer