What to do if your family disagrees?

Hey all!


I was wondering if any of you may be in the same situation as I and have any advice. I am a young man, just graduated University and love poker. The problem is my parents are concerned about whether or not I spend too much time with it. I have a small collection of books, play on paradise a few times a week and rarely make the drive to the nearest card room at 1.5 hrs away. My friends believe I am addicted due to the fact I frequently think about poker when not playing it. Just the fact that I own poker books automatically means I have a gambling addiction to my friends and family.


I have tried to use the arguement that it is not truly a form of gambling as poker is a learned skill. I point out I do not miss work, or that I did not drop out of school to pursue poker full time. I am not a fantastic player, but I am a student of the game. I apply myself to reading my books and practicing on low limit games at Paradise.


I am now off to vegas next week with a good friend of mine to play some poker now that I am done school for good. He is my one friend who does not seem to be a part of "The More You Know" generation who try to intervene if you gamble or have 1 too many beers. Needless to say this trip has raised some eyebrows among the family. The girlfriend is also concerned that if I start to lose my money I will become horribly depressed and waste my life away hunched over a poker table.


In conclusion, any advice in what to do with my family and friends who do not support my past time would be great.


MisFit

It is hard to know what part poker will play in your life at such an early stage. You are still probably learning many new and interesting aspects, and that may be the most interesting time.


It may be that you do end up a professional poker player, which could be considered "losing money" to a girl who dreams you will buy her dream home, or support a large family, or something.


But look at it like this. Suppose if, instead of poker, you were drinking beer with your friends, or water-skiing, or doing something else for kicks. And, moreover, some interest which you do not share with your family.


Would they not be nearly equally disappointed in the focus of your time and attention?


eLROY

My advice is to continue discussing things with them, assuming you're all able to do this without arguing. It's likely that they misunderstand the nature of poker (being a game of skill and so forth) which you have been trying to explain to them. It's also possible that they may be right in some of their concerns.

man, i feel like i know all about what you're going through.


i too am young (23) and am not in school. i plan on going back, but circumstances haven't allowed it thus far (long story). my parents have been vocal about my poker habits, and moreso, my friends have been REALLY vocal about it, on occasion. some, even the really smart ones, just can't see it as being a game where luck isn't the overriding factor. some see it as a 'waste' of my time and money (although i win money. they don't believe me that i win money. unfortunately, i haven't kept detailed records thus far, and can't use them in my defense. when i start playing again, i am keeping notes...). there is even one girl who i was super inlove with who told me her thoughts about my habits. she wasn't thrilled with them, but patronized my explanations to her. i think i may have screwed up that relationship by playing too 'weak-tight' so to speak, but i think i may have lost her partly because of this differing of opinions.


while i am trying to get over that, i have found that if you don't talk about poker at all, except when it seriously pertains to the subject at hand, then people don't really give you such a hard time about it. don't talk about it unless they ask you. read it if you want, and defend your habits, but don't try to push it on people. if they can't get it, its not your fault. there is a good thread from back in march when i posted about this same dilemma. i got some pretty good responses. there is a link at the bottom.


for advice, id say just keep playing, do your best to explain that it is a skill game, and ask people not to attack something you enjoy just because they can't understand it.

Do you love your girlfriend? Do you want to lose her because you're playing poker on the weekends insetad of hanging out with her?


If you're a student of the game, then continue being a student and play once in a while.


You gotta find a balance and once you show that you've got everything under control, everything will be fine.


However, don't become a scumbag on the poker floor.


I've got a girlfriend too, almost 15 months now, and like most girls, she hates poker. I used to play every other day, if not every day, and she helped me realized what's important in life, and that is not grinding out a hundred here and there.


The only fair thing to do, of course, is spend a week with her. If you can spend a week at vegas for a vacation, I feel you should at least plan some nice getaway with her, so at least she knows she's more important than poker. [say to yourself, how the heck can i go off to play poker for a week and not spend as much time with her. please don't tell me you don't like sex in a hotel room far far away from everything]


That last paragraph is my biggest advice for you.


-Joe

I think you should get your family members, one at a time, enter in a tournament, low buy in, take them along to sit with you. Explain that the tournament is just like a golf competition. You pay to enter, a competition fee. If you win, or go close to winning, you get a prize, just like a golf competition. If you lose, its bad luck, you get nothing, just like a golf competition. Talk to the other guys at the table, be friendly to them. Make it look like a social competition. After this, just tell them that you play in poker tournaments, so its not really gambling right?? At any given day on the golf course, you can play good, bad , average, and a lot of it is luck. On any given day, you can play good, bad or average in a poker tournament. A lot of it is luck. Now, once you have established that you are just entering competitions, its easy. They dont know the tournament shedule at the casino. You can play regular cash games all the time, just tell them your playing tournaments. I would recommend that you do play some tournaments anyway. Keep you poker bankroll, which must be totally seperate from all other funds that you use for everyday life, away from your friends/family, dont report whether you lose or win any given session. You will lose and be depressed sometimes, but just go to your girlfriend, and tell her that you are depressed, because you have been putting in work, and that your tournament play has been unlucky, and you really wanted that 1st place. If you continually talk about 1st place, second, final tables, and dont mention a word about money, she will soon come around. I am sure of it. I have experience in this field. My girlfriend is from the midwest. She thinks gambling is evil. lol. maybe not that bad, but you get my idea. Anyway, after a while, you can justify to yourself that everytime you sit down in a cash game, its a competition. THink about who is winning, and losing. Go with that. Are you winning the competition?? What is the score?? Just remember, everytime people ask, you dont gamble, you enter tournaments. Explain the whole concept to them. IT WORKS!

but it still involves 'lying'. im not sure how comfortable id be telling my girl that i was playing in 'competitions' when i wasn't. it would get to me.

I personally suffered (will always be a sufferer of) an addiction to drugs. If they are concerned--LISTEN!


I'm not saying you are or ever will be an addict to anything, but they obviously have concerns and they probably have good reasons to be concerned.


I never pursued my career, but will always be able to pursue poker. You are only young once.

I suppose that my idea is, that if poker is not an addiction or obsession like they think it is, that that will show itself on its own...they will learn to appreciate what you do for recreation and extra cash. Until that time, don't worry about it. Go to Vegas with your extra cash and have fun.


The people in my life now can't believe that I don't play MORE OFTEN than I do...but I'm not old enough to give up softball, golf, sex, DVDs, my 'regular' job, etc. yet.

I don't make too much of an impression in person, I guess. And it is pretty obvious, to most girls, that I will never be good for much apart from assigning odds to the probability people are thinking different things.


I have actually had all the people closest to me, at times, leaning on me to trade futures more. I have actually had girls who needed help with the rent, or something, encourage me to get out and play a little poker.


I don't really like these things, but my skills are pretty limited. Anybody who has any stake in me ever amounting to anything, holds out no hope that I might ever do anything apart from gamble and win.


eLROY

As soon as they find out that you are lying and that you are playing in cash games instead of the tourneys, it will give them even further grounds for concerns.


Be as honest as you can be. Keep valid, detailed records. Don't make every conversation that you have with them about poker. Find a gal who can win at the game and enjoy your life.


btw.... there is more to life than just poker. /images/smile.gif I have to keep telling myself that also...


Lar

I have seen this same type of sentiment in several posts here over the last few months. The issue always seems to stem from the reaction of family, friends or significant other to the playing of poker. I am puzzled by this.


There are a couple of possibilities; first, the individual may have a problem, or the "concerned" individuals may be sticking their noses in where it doesn't belong. My advice is as follows: first, take a good hard look at your activities and try to realistically determine if there is reason for concern. If you can honestly say you do not have a problem, I would not overreact to what others are saying. Play when it suits you, but keep your mouth shut about it. If the concerned parties don't hear pokerisms and bad beat stories come out of your mouth all the time, they will probably back off.


Those who find gambling evil; will not be persuaded by logical arguements no matter how cogent they might be. You could tell them it is an enjoyable way to spend time that helps you relax, and they could tell you it is just a waste of time and talent to sit in a smokey room for hours on end with a bunch of degenerate gamblers and hoodlums. You could show them detailed records of your winnings, and they would either ask for a loan or tell you, "Past performance is not guarantee of future success." You could point out that you had won the WSOP main event, and they naysayers could retort with, "So did Stu Unger, and look how he ended up." My point being, there is no way to convince some people of your point of view, and there is a point when you have to stop banging your head against the wall.


As far as accounting for your time when you are playing, why should you have too? Unless, the concerned party is a wife/husband/significant other who lives with you, how will they know exactly how much time you are spending in the casino? I don't advocate lying, but I do advocate not addressing the situation. If you don't talk about poker, show you do have some other interests, and turn your cell phone off when at the casino, things should settle down.


I will reiterate, this is only if you can be VERY sure you don't have a problem. If you think you may have a problem, get help, but otherwise enjoy your poker time, and don't let anyone make you feel guilty about it.


Just my opinion,


Fitz

lol