jokes needed

[tacklebox]

I need some good jokes for this weekends poker game...

[ThaSaltCracka]

read Elwoodblues "argument" for women being allowed to enter combat roles in the military, it's a riot.

[daryn]

did you hear lorena bobbit died?

yeah.. she was in a fatal car accident.

turns out some dick cut her off.

[NLSoldier]

LOL LOL LOL

[NLSoldier]

Haha, I just went and read it, thanks for pointing that out! /images/graemlins/laugh.gif

[Stu Pidasso]

What did Jeffrey Dahmer say to Lorena Bobbit?
Are you gonna eat that?


Stu

[daryn]

what did lorena bobbit do to her husband?






she cut his penis off.




ok that is what we call thomastem humor.

[nicky g]

One night a lab rabbit notices his cage hasn't been properly locked. He runs out of the cage, out of the building, and finds the animal testing lab is built right next to a beautiful big green full of rabbits, with a carrot patch next to it. The new rabbits welcome him enthusiastically, and explain that their daily schedule revolves entirely around having sex, eating carrots and sleeping, over and over again. For a few days the rabbit does nothing but shag, eat carrots and sleep. On the evening of the fourth day, however, he sneaks back into the lab, finds his cage, jumps in and locks the door behind him. The rabbit in the next cage asks him what the outside world was like.

"Ah it was great", he says. "Nothing but eating, sleeping and shagging."

"Wow" says the other, "So why on earth did you come back here?"

"I was dying for a cigarette."

[Stu Pidasso]

A frog leaps out of the magical forest where he has lived all his life and into a real forest. Since he lived in the magical forest he has magical powers. He sees a bear chasing a rabbit and thinks to himself, this isn't right, everyone should live in peace. So he stops the bear and rabbit and tells them that if they stop chasing each other he'll give them both three wishes.
The bear thinks for a second and wishes that all the rest of the bears in the forest were female. Poof, all of them are female. Next the rabbit wishes for a crash helmet. The bear looks at the rabbit wondering why he would want a crash helmet.

The bear thinks for a second making sure he makes a good second wish and wishes that all the rest of the bears in the country were female. Again -- poof -- all the rest became female. Then the rabbit wishes for a motorcycle. Now the bear steps back and looks at the rabbit in amazment. How dumb is this rabbit he thinks to himself. All he had to do was wish for money and he could buy all the motorcycles he ever wanted. This has to be the dumbest creature the bear has ever seen, he thinks to himself.

It is time for the bear's final wish and he takes a second to think and makes sure he doesn't waste it. After a minute he wishes that all the other bears in the whole world were female. And again poof they are all female.

Next the rabbit puts on his helmet and jumps on the bike. He turns around and smiles. Then he says, ''I wish that that bear is gay.''


Stu

[Stu Pidasso]

Did you hear about the leper poker game?
One guy threw in his hand and the other three laughed their heads off.

Stu

[WC64]

Someone sent me these, kinda dumb but they are poker related lol

Q: How do you get a professional poker player off your porch?
A: Pay him for the Pizza!
Q: How can you tell a poker player is lying?
A: His chips are moving.

Q: Heard of the Los Angeles poker hand?
A: Four Clubs beat a King

Q: What is the difference between a poker player and a dog.
A: In about ten years the dog quits whinning.

[nothumb]

Alright, here's one of my all-time favorites, but you've got to be able to do a good Scottish and Irish accent to tell it.

There's an Irish bloke walking down a country road in Scotland when, lo and behold, he sees a Scottish farmer, just over the fence, having his way with one of his sheep.

The Irish fellow says, "You know, back in my country, we shear those."

To which the Scot replies, "I ain't sharin' nothin!"

The other good one involves the difference between a Scottish farmer and Mick Jagger.

Mick Jagger said, "Hey, you, get off my cloud!"

The farmer is more likely to say, "Hey, McCloud, get off my ewe!"
/images/graemlins/grin.gif

NT

[TheRake]

Did you hear Michael Jackson checked himself into the Betty Ford Clinic?


He is trying to kick his 12 year old crack habit.


TheRake

[nothumb]

On the MJ tip...

Q: How can you tell when it's bedtime at Neverland Ranch?
A: When the big hand touches the little hand.

I have a large cache in my memory of deeply disturbing jokes about child-molestation that I will not share without further prompting.

NT

[Toro]

[ QUOTE ]
Did you hear Michael Jackson checked himself into the Betty Ford Clinic?


He is trying to kick his 12 year old crack habit.


TheRake

[/ QUOTE ]

Another crack joke.

Oprah Winfrey got arrested at LAX for trying to smuggle 20 lbs of crack under her blouse.

[M2d]

prompt

[Knockwurst]

A husband and wife are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. The wife comes into the bedroom wearing a negligee and asks her husband if he remembered it.

"Sure," he says "that's the negligee you wore on our wedding night."

"And do you remember what you told me," his wife asks him.

"Sure, I said I'm going to suck the life out of your t#ts and f#ck your brains out."

"So," his wife asks him "What do you have to say now, fifty years later."

"Mission accomplished."

[kak17]

The egg, while smoking a cigarette, turns to the chicken and says "well I guess that answers that question."