what the [censored] is wrong with me...

[whiskeytown]

I just got off the phone with the girl I've been dating the last two months - Like most of the women I date, she made the first move on me - (me the gutless wonder - only time I can ask a woman out is when I'm drunk - and half the time I get overdrunk and screw it up.

anyways...she was an artist...pretty cute - kinda curvy (which is a good thing - sorta like Kate Winslet/Renee Zelwigger curvy - the good kind) - and we had a couple pretty good makeout sessions...I spent the night at her place twice... - while she was worried I might be a compulsive gambler because of the way I discussed poker so much, I was able to convince her I wasn't a degenerate - (didn't wanna get the "I don't like you playing poker" speech in 6 months...

all going great, right? - except in my heart....I came to realize after a short time that despite her good qualities, I just wasn't feeling this. Can't point to one thing - maybe it's me being too selfish and wanting all my time to myself - maybe it was that relationship two years ago that absolutely crushed me and has totally ruined me for all women for life - but for some reason, I just couldn't make the romantic thing kick in. Couldn't be affectionate - couldn't get excited about wanting to spend time with her... - the one other relationship I've had the last two years, I couldn't WAIT to see the female again - couldn't make myself scope out other women cause my heart was somewhere else - (except Jessica Alba, maybe) - but it wasn't working for me.

I held out for a little bit - tried to think that if I could focus on the good qualities of this woman that I would find those feelings - but it wasn't happening - I didn't expect love at first sight, but I didn't think I'd be spending two months trying to find something that wasn't there attractionwise -

and I'm 31, 225 pounds (tall but overweight) and grey hair is coming out everywhere...not like I have a ton of options or a fallback or anything stupid like that...I may have just blown the last good relationship I'll ever have - cause I didn't feel right about it -

so today I made the call - spoke for a bit and said I didn't think I could do this anymore. - she didn't say a word - (except at the end to say she was a bit embarassed and good bye) - and then I just [censored] cried for 5 minutes - washed up, and went back to work. Sad to end it, and sad to continue it...

like my friend Bill M. wrote in a song "happy being lonely, lonely being happy"

RB

[Mayhap]

You're 31?
1. You can lose that extra weight in about 4-6 months probably. Ten years from now it would probably take you more than a year to lose the same weight.
2. Enjoy your drinking but don't let yourself get drunk anymore.
You are too young and resiliant to realize how much damage that does to you.

Take care of these fundementals and don't feel sorry for yourself. You have way too much going for you. Matters of the heart tend to unfold on their own; but, if you take care of yourself, the unfolding happens on a higher plane.
hth,
/M

[whiskeytown]

1. I could probably lose it sooner - I start cutting back on food a bit (and coke a LOT) and I'll be about 1500 calories a day down from normal...but I still like it..."sob"

2. - me and drinking have a long and varied history (covered in previous 2+2 posts no less) - my binge days are fairly worn out - but every once in a while I'll wanna let go and have a hard night...

mostly, I'm just bummed about having to end it and not really wanting to - thought this could be the one - and if I can't make it work with a cute artistic blonde who smiles and laughs all the time, then WTF am I gonna do...phooey.

RB

[MMMMMM]

She just might not have been really right for you. Just because someone is attractive and has lots of good qualities doesn't mean you two are really a match. You found something very special a couple years ago and now if you don't have a very special feeling with someone you will know it. Of course you will never find the exact same kind of special again, and it isn't fair to compare exactly, but you might find another super-special someone sometime. Who knows, maybe even more special;-)

From your description it doesn't sound like there is anything wrong with you in this regard. You may not be satisfied with the sort of relationship you would have been satisfied with years ago, that's all. Nothing wrong with being alone for a while, either; do your thinking and whatever, and just remember to keep your eyes open in case someone new comes along that you really like a lot.

I am guessing you might feel there is no chance of getting back with the woman of a couple years ago? Maybe she is worth keeping in touch with even if you aren't seeing each other. If it was a real and good relationship maybe some years from now things will be different and who knows. Not saying you should wait or hope too much but maybe keeping in touch would be OK.

[whiskeytown]

[ QUOTE ]
I am guessing you might feel there is no chance of getting back with the woman of a couple years ago? Maybe she is worth keeping in touch with even if you aren't seeing each other. If it was a real and good relationship maybe some years from now things will be different and who knows. Not saying you should wait or hope too much but maybe keeping in touch would be OK.

[/ QUOTE ]


DEFINATELY not an option....that bitch broke my heart so badly I had to go to the hospital...I'll just look for a golddigger next time /images/graemlins/grin.gif

RB

[MMMMMM]

OK, so that's not an option. Anyway the main thing I was trying to say is that once you have had something really really special, youy know the difference between that and just a typical "good" relationship. And you never forget. That's why I don't think there is anything wrong with you for feeling that your most recent relationship lacked something or that you didn't feel like going on with it.

[Duke]

Sometimes there is no going back.

~D

[Ulysses]

You need to move to SF or NYC, where it's perfectly normal to be single in your 30s.

[Phat Mack]

- maybe it was that relationship two years ago that absolutely crushed me and has totally ruined me for all women for life -

I was reading a celebrity poll in the newspaper a few years ago. They asked Leonard Cohen how long it took to get over a broken heart. He said, "You never get over a broken heart."

He's right. You never do. But what you do do, is change. Sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse, but you become a different person. And when this happens, your perspective on a lot of things changes, among them what you want to give to, and get from, women.

So I think what happened today was for the best. She may have been the greatest girl in the world, but it wasn't your time. You're doing the right thing, you're waiting, and you're not screwing anybody over.

The only advice I have is to keep waiting. Don't try to force relationships; don't try to engineer them. You'd be amazed at the number of problems that a human being is prone to that solve themselves if given enough time.

[whiskeytown]

worst part is, I instigated this...not her...

now I feel like I tried bluffing with 27 offsuit vs AA - like it was the worst mistake on record...but the game is done, I guess for now.

RB